my journal 3

[Yamato]

Elton John - Song For Guy.mp3, eternal song

Eternity with a song, eternity with a book.. the catcher in the rye

JD Salinger, he could do anything after writing it, no one would bother him - he became a legend

I need to do something memorable, to be free from social restrictions

win a nobel prize, anything

...

but this is not going to happen, so i am really considering cutting off all links with the outside world of humans, except for when I need them, for technical discussions, such as buying food, exchanging useful information, etcetera.

basically, I should... except for my family of course and for completely pleasant people, i should get rid of all chitchat, which basically means interrupting relationships with all those who only engage in chitchat.

I should do this methodically

The thing is that i already do this in rome, but i stop doing it with relatives, and yet relatives are just as stupid and annoying as regular people

well, this will happen naturally of course, one way or another, if i live here, i will get rid of all the gossip aunts altogether - if i don't see the problem repeatedly, i might even forget about it, so this post was just idle complaining, because there's not going to be any plan to implement. It will all come naturally. Like with my boss: if he yells again, i'll solve the problem. If he doesn't, there's no problem to really address.

 

[Yamato]

I don't know what I solved last night, don't know if I can solve these problems.

I went swimming at 7 am, and just came back. The showers are getting longer and longer to compensate for the colder and colder air. The water is not that much colder. I was told it is 25 degrees celsius. I am not one of those people asking every day "how's the water?", since I know it doesn't change from one day to the next. But what changes is the outside temperature, and that in turn makes you take longer and longer showers. I remember those days when i went around the island and swam for more than 3 hours straight later during the night i was shivering in bed like when you get a fever. Then the next morning it was all gone, but it must have been from being for so long in the cold water - even 25 celsius is colder than body temperature, so it does take a toll.

I am still going over and over again the thought of being reminded how old i am by my aunt, and how that made me feel: a failure. Ok with that, but not ok with the aunt now, because whatever the situation, to tell people they're old is not a nice thing to do. So i am going over her possible motivations. Over and over again.

1) she's bothered by the fact that I've had it so easy until here, and that compared to her I seem carefree
2) she's bothered by my family, my father being a big shot - she's asked him favors before, and now that he's less powerful, she takes it out on me
3) she's not bothered and wasn't trying to criticize me, but feels it's time to tell me to act more maturely, more my age

I don't know whether to call her a bitch and avoid her like I avoid many people at work, or to think that maybe she is not out to hurt me, and... yeah, because in the past decades, she's been nice to my family. This is like the first that i hear anything unpleasant from her.

But you see, maybe it's only unpleasant because the reality is unpleasant and what hurt me is the reality of being older.

I used to be too nice, as a teenager, having learned from my mom, and judge people better than their real intentions, justifying everything they said or did to me.

Then I turned vindictive and I started interpreting everything for the worse, and that is how I am right now.

So, I do have a tendency to be touchy and take offense easily right now. I know i tend to take everything personally even if there was no intention to offend me.

That is why I am trying to compensate and checking if she really is out to hurt me or if I am just being overly sensitive.

Another question is if it's convenient for me to get offended the way i usually do, and sever all links with her.

Is it convenient to do so? Nope, she controls the island basically. Bitch.

We inherited this land from her father.

But then again... I am pretty good at manipulating people into respecting me.

This is what I do: I play offended way more than I am offended, I blow things out of proportion, make sure they remember they offended me, and next time they'll think about it twice before speaking. It's easy: I don't speak to them for months. I avoid them. Then they learn.

The thing is that with relatives, I never had to do it. But so, if relatives never made this necessary, then it means they "love" me, so to speak. So they either stopped... she either stopped loving me, or she felt this thing was a loving thing to do: telling me to act more my age.

Ok, let's face the problem.

I have an original attitude.

I disregard the social norms.

I act like I'm special, and I can do anything I want.

And now - according to her, probably - it's like a wake up call: it's time to conform. You can't have these original behaviours anymore.

Like what? Like... I invited these two guests, and didn't speak to them for the last two days. Yup. Childish. Then telling about it as if it was a funny experience. That was childish.

Ok, I understand.

My cousin, who's 22, can do this. And I can't do it anymore.

Ok, ok. Fine.

I can't screw up anymore and invite the wrong guests, or at least I have to pretend that I didn't screw up and can't laugh about having screwed up. I guess this is what she's saying - if it was a good intention that motivated her telling me.

But who says that I can't do this? Social norms. I am not in touch with this crap, never have been. Or maybe i am. Ok, I shave when i go to work. I take a shower. This is all about social norms.

So, where do i stop following them?

I follow them at work? Not completely. I try to not say "hi" to all the bosses, when I cross them in the hallway, because i don't like them. I try not to kiss up to these people, by playing "the loner". It's not that I am not talkative, but i pretend not to be, so they think I'm shy and they let me get away with avoiding them. The truth is that I despise all these people. And other than that I am very talkative. But I am shy with the people i despise.

So, at work, I follow half of the social norms. But I know the norms - at least they're a distant memory, even when I haven't followed them for years.

Whereas at home and with my relatives, and friends, I follow the norms even less.

And maybe this aunt is one who - she has a lot of time for chichat, for sure - and she is one who follows the norms.

And the norms, while not at work, are that you get married and act serious. Concerned about your children. What if you don't have children and aren't married? Then you have the same responsibilities as a student, so can you act like a teenager because your lifestyle and your worries are the same?

It seems that according to these people you can't do it. You have to act like you've got serious concerns, such as getting home in time for meals, taking your child to school, picking the child up from school, taking the child to the gym, driving your wife... all crap that i don't do, and that makes adults stop swimming... like those movies that i did last year: i showed them to her and she said something like "i see an adult man acting like a kid". I was excited about those movies and she acted like they were no big deal, and all my excitement was misplaced.

What was she doing at my age and now while I am making underwater movies?

She sits at the beach in the sun, talking to my other aunts, watching children play or even not watching any children anymore, but still there, doing the chitchat.

So, besides all those father activities, what she has in mind for me is sitting at the beach monitoring some child that I don't have, and talking to a wife that i don't have, developing a skin tumor like her.

Summary of this is as follows: if I want to lead an alternative lifestyle, i need the money that will allow me to buy a house not in front of a beach, but in front of the whale-shaped rock, where there aren't people chicchatting, nor any people at all. Or, if I can't afford that, I either change my lifestyle to suit their expectations, or I stop caring about their judgment, or I stop hearing their judgment by not talking to them. The other alternative was not growing up and stopping time, because at 20 you can really do anything you want, and people will be ok with it. Well, they might still talk, but I don't remember what i was thinking at 20 about these people, maybe i wasn't caring, or maybe I was just as offended about judgments and now i don't remember.

It seems that everything would be much easier without people, or if people didn't talk.

Anyway, i've been just venting out some frustrations. I'm ok if all these words only achieve the purpose of venting out some frustration, as if i were complaining to someone. It is not an essay on anything. Just regular complaining.

...

Losing close to 1000 dollars on the systems. Capital is now back at 10k.

Trying to go back to sleep, after that swim and having slept only 6 hours.

When you age, you are worth less. This is what I take from my aunt. You have fewer options. You should invest some capital in your children and that way you compensate and you with your children are worth even more than you were worth alone. It's as if a person at 10 is worth 70% of a person, a person at 20 is worth 100% and then it starts decreasing. It parallels physical strength.

But then things change also according to money and many other things.

There's a bunch of equations into this bigger equation.

There's physical strength, mental strength, financial strength... all these things come together and determine how much you're respected/liked and how people interact with you.

And basically I was disrespected by being told something like "you don't have the status to act like this", "you're not rich enough, successful enough, young enough... to act like this". Maybe if i had been richer or more successful in any other way, she would have felt i could act any way i wanted. And if I had been unemployed, she would have told me this thing to act my age even sooner.

Or maybe it's about another field where I am showing weakness. Whatever it is, I know she wouldn't have told everyone else, what she told me. So I am resentful, because I am taking it personally. She perceived something wrong in my behaviour and she didn't respect me enough to keep quiet. Two things that are a problem: 1) her perception 2) her telling me.

I am offended but not in the sense of going to her and telling her "please don't tell me these things". I am disappointed at me for letting this happen, for not having been aware of the situation, and not having avoided this situation, such as being with someone who doesn't respect me enough. Or letting someone who doesn't respect me get so close to me. Even my posture and expression are usually enough to not have these things happen. But there could have been many more things that I could have done: left the room, left the house... I am disappointed that I didn't see this coming. Disappointed for not having been aware of the world around me.

 

[Yamato]

This "act your age" thing is still bothering me. I've slept those two hours I was missing but now I am still depressed and don't feel like doing anything.

I wonder how long it will take me to recover and if then i will be "act your age-proof" or if it'll get me down again, if anyone will be so mean to tell me that again.

According to this philosophy I am past the age of being carefree, original, individualistic, and I am now into an age of seriousness, sacrifice for my family, responsibility. It's like saying that I am not allowed to have the mindset of a child but only that of the parent - even though I am not a parent. Of course this is just the opinion of one person against mine, but the reason it bothers me is that it's also the opinion of society in general. According to social norms, at least here in Italy, there's an age when we're children, an intermediate age when we can be either, and then there's an age when you're supposed to be a parent, or an adult, and therefore you have to talk a certain way and act a certain way. The problem is that I don't know exactly what I've done to break these rules, but this aunt has been bugging me for years with this concept, and only this time overtly, but some things she said before made me sense this years ago, that she was the most outspoken critic of an alleged difference between my age and my behaviour.

I thought that on vacation, among relatives, I could be relaxed and open. I saw her father die. The whole crying business of all the relatives. We're close enough, even if she is only the daughter of my grandfather's cousin. Either she thought i urgently needed to be told to act my age, or I was wrong in my assumption that i can rely on relatives to not hurt me.

It could be that these aunts i relied on are actually a bunch of gossiping bitches. And that I should avoid them.

Or it could be that I am blatantly not acting my age, that i am acting childishly, and that I need to change that, or i'll be hearing this more and more frequently. Or, just as bad, i'll be ridiculed behind my back - which would be the proof I am doing something wrong, because i certainly do not want that to happen, whether they're right or wrong in laughing at me.

Is she just the tip of the iceberg? The reason I'm worrying is that I sense she might be the tip of iceberg and that there's a lot of people thinking that I am not acting my age. I wouldn't want to be derided, so I'd change any behaviours that might cause that. On the other hand, it's not like I'll stop going down to the beach and swimming miles, because people my age are supposed to have beer bellies and look after their children. So, all in all, I am willing to deprive myself of some useless activities such as joking around with these gossiping bitches, but I am not going to renounce useful habits such as swimming for hours every day, or being excited about learning, and being as curious as a teenager should be.

In other words, I may change my attitude when talking to these idiots, but I am not going to speed up my physical and intellectual death to conform to social norms.

 

[Yamato]

Yeah... just came back from my hideout in the rocks:



No one there today, except me and my mom.

Yep. I'm finally getting over the "act your age" lecture from my gossiping aunt.

But it's taken its toll, because up to the moment she told me i was old, I would have swum my way back here, whereas, since she told me I am old, i decided to walk back.

A self-fulfilling prophecy.

You act old and become weak because others tell you should be getting weaker by now. I might even grow a belly now, because it's improper not to have some belly at my age.

Gossiping bitch.

The systems are recovering from the losses of this morning. I might end the day at breakeven. It kind of sucks. To be depressed and losing from the systems. But at least i didn't engage in discretionary trading trying to make it back.

I am already thinking of my next guest victim. Yeah, because i don't drive, so if I want to come back, i need another guest. And i want to come back in the coming weekends.

There's my roommate who wanted to come. But not with his family, so he'll probably say no. There's another colleague, too.

If it doesn't work out with anyone, I'll go to another city, to visit my relatives, and swim there.

But first i need to make sure we've got some money to spend, which i need to get from the markets. Because otherwise i should be saving. So, we might come here in november, which is still swimmable. And the advantage is that there will be no one else.

Anyway, getting over the "act your age" thing, and on top of it, now I know who are the bitches to avoid. So I'm arguably stronger than before, or rather, more knowledgeable, in the sense, that I won't be listening to any more **** from that gossiping bitch.

Plus now i'm stronger because i'm desperate. Since i'm getting older and pretty soon I won't be able to swim anymore, I should enjoy swimming while I can. Soon i'll have to join the gossiping bitches at the beach, read newspapers, and walk into the water only up to my knees, and complain that it's cold and come back to the gossiping bitches, and get busy developing skin tumors, lying in the sun all day long. So I can even look older than i am.

 

[Yamato]

Lisa Ono - Dans mon ile\12 Derniere Valse.mp3

Yep. Went to the supermarket with my mom, and bought some groceries.

The systems have recovered all their losses from this morning. Capital at about 11k. But still over an hour to go.

Lisa_Ono\Soul & Bossa - 2007\08 Nada Mais Lately.mp3

Yep. Still pretty depressed about myself and people's comments on me.

I am not a rockstar, not a movie star, so i have to put up with such comments.

Then mosquitoes.

Lots of mosquito bites lately.

This afternoon at about 6 pm, it was nice: no one else in the water but me. A lot of wind and waves.

No one on the beach either, maybe 3 people at the most. No lifeguard. Good, I didn't have to talk about the bible.

The water is cold, but it compensates for the mosquito bites, so I don't mind. They keep me warm.

I invited my roommate at work to come here, because i need a ride and he wanted to come, but he won't come without his family, so I told him he can't come, because it gets too complicated. He was coming to give me a ride, and I told him i argued with all the previous guests. So now I am out of guests.

I'm going to write to another colleague, who's pretty tidy.

...

Yeah, I wrote to him. Still depressed though.

There's no excitement in me any longer. All of a sudden I feel old. Because of the bitch, the gossiping aunt, and the way she told me. At this age, I cannot argue with my guests and lock myself in the house for two days. It seems like a very low blow. How many things won't I be able to do now that I've been told i am old? It seems a really sad situation all of a sudden.

I don't know how long it'll take me to recover from this blow. I think I look great, healthy and muscular, but I am still sad. I guess this would work with anyone, because everyone can be shamed into feeling old for something, for not getting laid, for not graduating, for not finding a job... anyone can be shamed about something. But it takes a real bitch to do so. And this bitch is my aunt... i wish her death. I hope she dies within... a week. Only her death will avenge me. I'll come back next weekend, just in time for her funeral. Only her death will avenge me. I want the other aunt dead, too, but a week later, so I can go to both funerals.

Mina - Contigo en la distancia.mp3

I sing and i write, alternating one another.

Lisa_Ono\2001 - Bossa Hula Nova - Jazz\09-Poliahu.MP3

I am hoping for some good news from my systems, so to uplift my mood.

You know, if i had the money to live here, thanks to my trading, I could easily deal with any worry. So easily. I don't care what others may say about me living here. They're working, I am not. That's what would matter. You're working, and I am not. That's the deal. That's how I win over you. Oh yeah. And actually those two aunts will be dead anyway.

Let's check what the systems are doing. Last time I checked they were making the 500 they lost this morning.

... Yeah, same. And capital at about 11k.

Mood still depressed.

Lisa_Ono\Pretty_World\Lisa Ono - I Wish You Love.mp3

She wishes me love, she wishes me well. That's good, I am in safe hands.

Lisa Ono - Dans mon ile\05 J' Ai Vu.mp3

This one is good and it represents my mood. From depressed to a little better, but still sad. Sad and depressed but not dead, and still reasoning better than everyone else.

J'ai cru
Etre au bout de l'aventure
Mais mon cœur lui me murmure
Qu'il y a tant de rêves à vivre encore.

 

[Yamato]

Day is over. Didn't lose anything today. If it ends like this, the week was not profitable, if i remember correctly. All the money was made last week, or until monday at the most.

Still. Without discretionary trading, I've been able to keep my capital for a week, despite some losses. No anger, no fighting back, and the capital is still here.

Tomorrow it's friday. Usually nothing big happens, but we'll see.

Still depressed about the usual things.

I am not sure but this might be the first vacation that i am depressed. I also do not have any guests. I think in the previous years, I was too busy and upset at the guests to be depressed.

What's good though is that everyone says that on vacation you get depressed, when you don't have things to do, and that you can't stay on vacation for too long, so I'd be normal for once. The fact is that I wouldn't be bored and depressed usually. This is just transitory.

And in fact, I'd be feeling great if i were on vacation all year long. Far from complaining about a situation like that.

We will see how it will all evolve. This is the point of this journal. I could make money, it could all work out. Or it could work out and still be depressed. I could write a post before committing suicide, or I could drown accidentally and not write one final post.

Certainly I am not having much fun right now, except for staying fit by swimming a lot. I am better off than at the bank, though and i have no doubts about that.

So, let's state it clearly: vacation is better than being at work.

Would I have fun with my aunt, if she invited me to dinner at her house? Who knows? She only invited us the time she had to ask my father a favour. Now she hates the secretary, because that favour didn't go through. She's a local, so everything is in her hands. She knows everyone. Still, if I lived here, I could ignore her.

I might come here every weekend if trading goes well. And then I might die in a plane crash.

For the past two weeks I've been seeing a lot of chemtrails in the sky. I wonder why they're spraying us. It's not for weather manipulation, so why? Just for polluting the fields and forcing Monsanto's GMO seeds on us?

Anyway. I'm still here. Don't know for how long, but right now I am very healthy, and still here. And very intelligent.

I feel very intelligent right now.

Still here. Not happy, but still here.

Still here.

Still here.

To record the changes in my life and in my mind. Still here to record the graph of my happiness, depression, and whatever crosses my mind.

 

[Yamato]

Still thinking about these "you're too old to do this" issues.

Ok, maybe I've identified one concrete problem.

All these years I've been swimming to this rock in the middle of the bay:



Well, it's not in the middle of the bay, but you get my point: it looks far, from the beach.

Then, once i get to it, in about 3 or 4 minutes of swimming, I sit on the little rock that slightly emerges from the water.

I guess what she's doing when each year she reminds me my age is saying "you could do this when you were 20 and still were eccentric, but now you look ridiculous".

Ok, so the point is that I cannot play in the water and in the waves after ceasing to be a youngster.

I guess I can still swim, but seriously, and without doing anything eccentric, such as sitting on my favorite rock.

Jesus. This really sucks but she may be right. The whole problem arises from the fact that there's a whole beach of gossiping idiots in front of that rock, and similar situations.

Not that anyone could even see me, or know my age from such a distance, but she's probably the one who's bothered by it, because she's the only one aware of it, together with another two or three gossiping bitches.

I don't understand why she's so bothered by it. It's not like my mom or my dad ever told me anything about this. She didn't either, but along the years, i can sense that she's been bothered by my behaviour at "her" island, where she lived her whole life.

If I were sure that she's doing it for my own good, then I'd think "damn, thanks, and how stupid of me to look so ridiculous", but I am not sure of it. I mean, what is she doing instead? Lying in the sun all day long. Is this good for anyone? Should i rely on her to recommend what's right for me?

She might be in good faith, and I may look ridiculous, especially to the locals, but for sure, whatever she'd recommend for me and my age would not be the right thing, because she's doing anything but the right thing. If the right thing for a person is to lie in the sun all day long and gossip, then the right thing for a youngster is to dive from cliffs, and risk their lives, and the right thing for an 80 year old man is to die, and so on. I mean, ok. I'll keep in mind to not do anything eccentric. But I will keep breaking the rules in order to keep myself healthy and swim wherever i can, regardless of any age i reach.

I had forgotten about people's opinion back when i was in highschool and they made me stay back a year. Since then i've stopped caring, realizing how stupid my professors were (I wouldn't conform to the wrong rules of indoctrination, and they failed me). Now I am being forced to care again, because I don't want to look ridiculous, but I find the rules just as stupid as when i was in highschool.

Or maybe, I am slightly an exhibitionist, not exhibiting naked body parts but physical prowess. And I guess i could cut down on it a little bit. I mean, yeah: as a teenager reaching that rock was a feat, and now it's not even a feat to me anymore, because i've swum around the whole island.

Damn. Yeah. I remember other instances that I keep doing since i was a child and that I've got to stop. Swimming underwater is another one. That is just exhibitionism of physical prowess. There's no point in doing it in front of everyone. And yet i do that, too. Even as a teenager you're going to be a show-off if you do that. So I realize that i should stop that, too.

I guess she's referring to those things, even though she didn't mention them. I guess if this were my own island and there was just my wife looking at me, i could do anything i want. But like this, it might be ridiculous. Yep. I get it. I've taken plenty of tests already that told me i fit the profile of the narcissist. This is just one more confirmation.

My father is probably one, too, and basically he shows off his physical prowess, too, by going for long swims. Jesus. What a family. Yet she doesn't tell him anything, because she might have to ask him for favors in the future, like she did in the past. Also, my father doesn't climb and sit on that rock.

I guess i understand them. You want to be weird (in a healthy way)? Own a boat and go elsewhere to do your swimming and don't act weird by being healthy in front of the whole beach. But the thing is that owning a boat is complicated, a pain in the ass, expensive first of all, and we neither own a boat nor have a private beach, goddamn it. So we have to put up with all this crap from the locals. Of course i am the only sensitive to this, who cares, and it's only because my guests have left - otherwise i'd be too busy arguing with them.

Anyway, now it's beautiful because it's too cold for the locals to swim or be at the beach, so basically it's all to myself and I am taking advantage of it. It's not even cold, but they think it's cold, because the temperature outside is cold, so they say "the water is freezing!". In reality the water has almost the same temperature as in august (imperceptible difference). But since they don't even spend much time in the water, their reasoning is: 1) outside it's freezing, 2) water is freezing (when they're wet and stay outside it's freezing to them), therefore let's not go to the beach. Idiots. But this is great because it gives me a chance to swim in peace.

Still sleepless at 1.30 am, always focusing on these issues. Yeah. Yep. That's me.

I have plenty of free time to think about this stuff.

The reason is that I didn't get married, which practically ends your life, because from that moment on, your brain is busy processing family information/problems. I ain't putting my brain to sleep yet. It's going to take one beautiful woman begging me to do it. It hasn't happened so i haven't done it. And as a consequence i didn't join the sheeple, and I still keep my mental skills.

...

Still sleepless.

It's going to take a little longer to fall asleep. I may go on facebook for a bit. I opened an account just focusing on the truth movement, with all its ramifications: medical, financial, political, military, etcetera.

 

[Yamato]

Yeah, up on the mountain. Beautiful view, i can see the island from here.

No trades from the systems.

Getting over the "you're too old for that". Talked to another aunt, who confirmed my take on the gossiping bitches: she spoke of "beach mentality" or something similar. They're sitting there all day long, have nothing to do, and start bothering the neighbours, the relatives, and form a gang of gossiping bitches. I should simply stay away from them in the future.

[...]

Two hours later, still on the mountain, now 300 meters higher.

One internet stick doesn't have any reception, despite being surrounded by all these antennas. The other one works perfectly.

Still no trades whatsoever by the systems. As i said, on Friday the trades are very few (none from the systems I'm trading).

I wouldn't say I am having fun, but I'm not having too many worries. When I spent vacations with guests, there was never any time to relax and I had to worry about all the schedules, accomodations and so on. Now I am typing this in the sun, leaning with my back on a granite rock, with a lunar panorama in front of me. No human traces except for the antennas. No sounds except the wind.

When i came up here with my friends from highschool, we'd take two hours to get here, and two hours to get back, but only spend here 15 minutes, looking at the scenery from the road, and then we'd leave. And i'd have to worry about finding the way back, too. Not worth it.

 

[Yamato]

Back from the mountains. No trades from the systems today. Very boring. Still struggling with finding my place in a changing world, a changing person in a changing world.

 

[Yamato]

One trade did take place, but it lost a few dollars.

Hunted on vacation at the island, hunted at work... no idea how this will end. Hopefully something good and new will come along - maybe from within myself, maybe from trading, maybe both. Don't know how long i can keep this up. Very unsatisfactory life in general. Vacation sucks, work sucks... can't bear it much longer. Can't bear an environment with crappy coworkers, awful boss, and even crappy relatives on vacation. Something has to change or I'll end up lowering my standards. Maybe i've been raising my standards and expectations for too long. Or maybe i'll come up with something to improve my life.

You know what i mean, it's the usual reasoning: change what you can change and accept what you can't change. The usual thing of changing what surrounds you or changing yourself and your attitude. I mean, even some people in auschwitz made it out alive, so eventually i'll find a way.

 

[Yamato]

Today I broke my vegan rule for a couple of occasions, such as eating some sausage and, earlier, an ice cream, and guess what: 3 hours later i am here still digesting it.

It ****ing sucks. When I eat vegan instead, I never feel myself digesting anything.

 

[Yamato]

Damn, still can't sleep. Always being concerned about other people's opinion of me. I've always been self-conscious, but I used to beat that with total confidence in myself and my appearance. But now that's gone, too, thanks to that bitch who told me I am too old for some things. So, most people are confident because they say "well, **** it who cares...". I was confident because i said "i am better...". And now that I am not better, even according to this bitch, merely due to age, then I am feeling very insecure. Confidence as a swimmer was my biggest strength. But if someone comes along and tells me that I am no good at something or similar, that really hurts my confidence. I am left feeling ridiculous or similar. And I haven't recovered - it's been 3 days already. Maybe this bitch wanted to hurt my father, out of envy, but she didn't dare, she hurt me instead. Part of me thinks she wanted to warn me or help me. Another part of me thinks something in my behaviour bothered her. Another part thinks she is envious of my family, and wanted to bother us, in any way she could find.

3 days already gone and I am still thinking about it. We all know that I obsess about things, but only when i feel they're worth it, so this is a major issue for me: aging. Not her words, but the fact that there's truth - of course - behind her words. Now, another thing I am wondering, as i said, is if she did it to help me or to hurt me. I'm not sure. She might have done it to help me, and yet be so stupid that she hurt me. You know, a lot of stupid people mean well but produce damage, with acts as well as with words.

I know for a fact that she's stupid, but she may also be mean, on top of being stupid. Let's not underestimate her mean side. I wonder if she's more mean or stupid. I think she's more stupid, so I would tend to attribute her words to stupidity, but in this case... i don't know. I really need to see some good deeds to change my mind about this one, this incident where she seemed she wanted to hurt me.

This concern is probably going to go away as soon as i resume going to work. Next time I'll come here, I'll certainly remember to avoid her.

 

[Yamato]

Yeah, i just came back from lunch, at the aunt's whom i have been calling a gossiping bitch. This is what happens with relatives: they invite you to lunch and you forgive them. So basically, since the other aunt, the one who reminded me of my age, still hasn't invited me to lunch, she's the only gossiping bitch left.

Other than this, I will be back at the bank in less than 48 hours, so i swam for a long time today, despite the fact that no one was in the water, because somehow today they feel that it's cold, which is ridiculous. However, the fact that everyone thinks that it's cold and stays out of the water, somehow makes it colder for me as well. I am a victim of peer pressure to some degree. Not as much as the others, but if no one is in the water, I have a tendency to look at the ocean suspiciously, as if there's a dead whale, a shark or as if it were cold. But i swam and none of those fears turned out to be true.

Plus, for a suspected exhibitionist of physical prowess like me, it was a great opportunity to show off: you guys feel cold, and I don't. You're a bunch of wimps. In fact, the ideal beach would be one with one person looking at me, because i've always been a "look ma, no hands!" person. I need a public, but not at the risk of being ridiculed by anyone in the audience. So one person would be enough. Also, it makes me feel safer - there could be an emergency.

I like physical prowess where there's no danger involved. Screw backflips and extreme sports. Just cold water and endurance in swimming. It's healthy, too. Just displaying health. Not unnecessary risks. And the water is not really cold - it's just psychological.

I could swim until decembre, without any problems, provided i can take long hot showers after i come back. The problem unfortunately is that i still do not have enough money to quit my job at the bank and move here. But, if i don't blow out and make money according to the forward-tested data, I might be able to come here every weekend until the day i quit my job. Of course that's also a huge gamble in terms of plane crashes. It would multiply by many times my chance of dying in a plane crash, and a car crash, too, during all the trips to/from the airports. Overall, I am hoping to get fired, or that my bank goes bankrupt and closes, or, as a last resort, the global financial collapse i've been wishing on the world. Any of these is better than working at the bank.

 

[Yamato]

couldn't find a ticket back to rome, so i am postponing my departure by one day, and leaving tomorrow

yesterday i broke my raw vegan diet due to a dinner with many relatives, during which I ate ice cream, ravioli, and drank some liquor

tonight i'll have to start the systems from here

i already bought a ticket to come back next weekend (not exactly here, but same region)

 

[Yamato]

another big meal with many relatives, skipped vegan diet once again (especially by eating sweets) - as usual when you're with people it's hard to stay healthy, even though it's good in that it helps your social skills and diminishes paranoias. It would be perfect to interact with people but not during meals.

now that i've made peace with the gossiping aunt #1, she invited gossiping aunt #2 at lunch, but she didn't show up, maybe for fear of being poisoned by me. Now she'll come for coffee, but I am here, checking my daily dietary intakes, and i might avoid the first few minutes of her visit.

other than this, tonight i'll start the systems from this house at the beach, which is always a big satisfaction, considering no one else here even has internet access, except the gossiping aunt #2, who lives here all year long.

[...]

Slept 2 hours, and while I was sleeping i was hearing gossiping aunt #2 in front of our house. I know it's lame, because it's a bit over-reacting, but I hope she left by now, so i don't meet her at all. I feel ok about the other guests, because before leaving i managed to wash all the dishes.

Now parents are going to church, and I can have some peace. The gossiping aunt #2 hopefully will have left by the time they go to church. About another four hours till i start the systems again. I'm going swimming if i've digested everything, but it's unlikely, in which case i'll go anyway. Mosquito bites will keep me warm, then i'll get more mosquito bites for tomorrow.

[...]

Argh! I just peeked and she's still there, sitting in front of the house. Damn. Everyone left and she's still there. What is she doing there. Damn.

Is she waiting for me. I don't think so.

on the run from my guests for two days and a half, and now on the run from my distant aunt, for an afternoon. I've got to learn how to talk to people and ignore people - it's about time. I guess the rule should be that they can say to me and look at me all they want, provided that they don't bite me or hit me. Other than that, I should feel free. As for my guests, I should have told him: "hey, no computer from me". And basically I should have spent my day away from them, without the need to lock myself in.

The same for other situations. I should care a tiny bit less about people and their thoughts and words. I call them idiots all the time, but i still care too much about them and their approval. I shouldn't take offense as much and all that. I shouldn't even engage in conversations with most of them. Now the bitch is sitting in front of my house, and I don't want to get out so i don't meet her. I should only talk about the weather with everyone, until i am positive they're worth having a serious conversation with. Instead I go from no conversation to existential conversation, and i get disappointed 90% of the time. But I also meet a 10% of interesting people that i wouldn't meet otherwise. For example, like that time I talked to the lifeguard about the chemtrails in the sky, and we engaged in a conversation that lasted an hour. In that case, ironically, i was indeed talking about the weather, and we ended up talking about the bible.

Overall, there's some pain in me, linked to this having to avoid my aunt, and being around relatives who've known me all their lives, whether I appreciate them or not, and who've treated me nicely since i was born. They're such good relatives that I feel sorry for them and how they're getting old, and how the big dinners at my grandfather's house, have turned into smaller dinners nowadays, like last night or today. Then there's this aunt, who won't leave, and she's ruined my afternoon. And I might not be able to say bye to my uncle and his family, because she's still sitting there. Retarded bitch. Talkative bitch. Gossiping bitch. And her sidekick, gossiping aunt #1, who turns into a bitch when she's together with her. Whores, always ganging up on other relatives - well, anyway my uncle knows i didn't disappear for him because we spent hours together, until I left to wash dishes and then, from there, into my room, so no one, except this bitch, feels offended. They may just wonder where I've gone. And now i've missed my swimming for sure, because this bitch is still there, singing with my uncle's daughter. Well, i swam a long time today and i was still digesting anyway.

...

damn, now they're calling me, but i am not answering.

coming for me?

hopefully not.

did this bitch leave yet?

I'll pretend i'm sleeping.

they didn't dare enter the house.

Only called me once, probably they'll think i didn't hear them or that i wasn't here.

Ok, so now my uncle is leaving and i didn't say bye, because of this bitch still sitting in front of my house, presumably.

Well, it's ok, it's not like i have to say bye to people just because it could be my last time meeting them. Besides, this uncle busted my balls a few times as well, so he now got punished for those times he asked me about school or lectured me about something.

Ok, now everyone is gone, and the only people left are the two gossiping bitches. Unbelievable. I am not even going out to check if this is the case, because it'd be awkward.

I have to remember how tight these bitches are, and that even a nice aunt turns into a witch if she's around a gossiping bitch.

Sad sad life.

Instead of playing some sports, these two spend their day talking about us, and I am even more miserable in caring about what they say. Evil witches, i've identified you. I now have to learn to not hear what they say, and not stop and talk to them. Evil witches.

so much for my idea of replacing friends with relatives - friends you can stop being friends with, but relatives it's for life, so in some cases, like with these witches, it's a nightmare for life. They live right here, next door. Both of them. It's unlikely that they'll move, or that i'll move.

[...]

I went for a walk on the rocks in front of the ocean and i felt like crying, because i realized this world of my childhood is disappearing. Then the mosquitoes brought me back to my senses, and I ran back home. Always on the run.

When you're away from the places you hate, and you're right in the place you love the most, you realize that time is taking everything away from you: your relationships, yourself, your place in life... i feel exactly like the protagonist of the swimmer:

The Swimmer (1968) - Theatrical Trailer - YouTube

All of a sudden, you open your eyes and you realize the world you loved as a child is mostly gone. You are in the same exact places, but that world is mostly gone, and it keeps on disappearing. Even some of the people you loved so much may change their attitude towards you, and treat you differently than when you were a child. It's over.

 

[Yamato]

The ideal house has no tv, no kitchen (eating raw vegan), no refrigerator (eating raw vegan). I might get married just to force my wife to have such a house and such a kitchen.

 

[Yamato]

Ok, starting the systems for tomorrow. I really hope for a good week.

 

[Yamato]

You're born into this world, and all the relatives around you paint a nice picture of the world for you. Then, as the years go by, not only do you have to put up with all the disappointments, and information contrary to this picture, but all those who made it look like a beautiful world start dying. Who's gonna die next?

And they tell you that the only way to live a healthy life is to produce other children, thereby creating another "family". In turn, according to their advice, you will create more children, that will have grandparents, uncles/cousins, and parents, who will paint a pretty picture for them. Then, when they see, or before they even see the lie, they will produce more children, and tell them more lies... on and on, forever.

And if, like me, you don't do that, then you will see the bare truth and stare death in the eye. Unburdened by distractions.

You will then be called: loner, solitary, something wrong with him, he never married, he lives in fantasy world, i have no idea what they call me or what they will call me, but this is what you get by society for not perpetuating this game of deception and passing deceptions from one generation to the next.

A child grows up to become an adult, and nobody even tells him bluntly "it was all lies". He grows up and realizes that probably he was told mostly lies, but even before he realizes that, he has already created another child and it's too late to change his mind and tell the child "sorry, I gave you death, and you were born into a beautiful world that will gradually disappear". You perpetuate a lie, and do not dare to tell the truth to your child, if you even ever realize it.

And if someone doesn't play the game of perpetuating the lie, then something's wrong with him. And there's all kinds of names for this. Anyone who's not carefree and happy, is called with derogatory terms. Even just think about the term "sad person". It's pretty neutral, but it doesn't sound that acceptable to be considered and called "a sad person". But that is simply a person who has looked at the facts. A person who's happy and carefree: that's a person who's living in deception.

Other than family life to distract us, we have our job. The office for example. Other than the rat race, there's even the daily slavery at the office, even if you didn't fall for the rat race. You still have to go there and deal with your colleagues. All these distractions keep you from realizing the deception. Which i could clearly see on vacation and it is this: you're born, everything is nice, then you start having unpleasant duties, then those people who made your world so nice start dying, and you're advised to take on extra duties to keep yourself from facing so much unpleasant truth, namely create a family so they can keep the deception going. You lose your grandparents, you get children. You lose your parents, you get grandchildren... on and on, generation after generation. Intentionally, subconsciously, or unintentionally, such as for those guys who just want to have sex, the woman gets pregnant, and there's your child ready, without the need for any thinking.

Like van damme said, "i am aware". I don't care about you relatives, about you stupid humans, about how you'll laugh, and how you'll call me.

I enjoy being aware of what's going on, at least for as long as i can bear it.

Then tomorrow I'll start my office and all this awareness will go and I will be worried about how to keep at bay my stupid colleague and how to make the best of living the day with an animal, a small chimp, that's what he is.

I work with a bunch of chimps. I have chimps for neighbours. And I have chimps for relatives, in part.

The few people who open their eyes are those living alone. Never trust those very social people. That's like being drunk basically. I want to get away so badly from people... this place would be ideal despite one stupid relative living here. Let's hope in the systems, even though i already know how slow they are. But maybe I can spend a couple of weekends away from rome. Better than nothing.

...

Instead I want to live my life with my parents. I don't want to drift away from them because I am being with a woman, who demands attention and probably money and even asks me to take advantage of my parents. Screw that. We all know that you don't get married to have sex, and therefore what do you get married for? Because you're screwed basically, you're stuck into these situations.

I want to be in control, and not lose control of my life, which happens the minute you get married and/or have a child. That's what my aunt meant: i am not playing by the rules of the game. I've had my youth, and am not entitled to extend it. Now is the time to have children, go to the beach, and lie in the sun like she does, all day long, and watch the children build sand castles.

Monkeys, talking monkeys. Gossiping monkeys.

I clash with their patterns and ideas.

I write this, because i have to dilute my consciousness and awareness. Too much staring death in the eye can drive you mad. I need to sugar-coat it a little bit myself. Not as much as they do though. Writing all this down means in some way leaving my worries on the journal. I write them down and i don't have to worry about them so much because they're written down for the gods and readers to read and think about. Whoever out there is reading them.

I write it down and leave it there, for a little while. I've taken care of it for a little while. There's not much more I can do. Like the truth, but i can't bear it, the naked truth.

My aunt, she can't even see it.

I can see it, i want to see it, but then I have to forget it a little bit.

She instead has placed people between her and the truth: her daughter, her husband, her friends... all busy lying so she doesn't see any truth during her lifetime.

 

[Yamato]

ok, leaving the island in half an hour

systems lost a few dozen dollars on the ym

managed to swim today as well

fog in the bay, rare - no wind today, rare

 

[Yamato]

back in rome, car ride from the airport, signal excellent

making about 100 with NG and GBP trades from the systems - it was 400 a few hours ago, damn

going to dinner with my father, celebrating a secretary's birthday - there i'll be confronted by the other secretary, who's going to mention the guests i made enemies with.

i can't believe i went swimming this morning, like a fish, and now i am here, totally transformed

I don't care my age, i belong in the water, and i will swim as long as i can. Need to get into scuba diving, because i sense i belong underwater even more. i don't mean at any depths more than than 3 meters, but it'd be good to just sit there for hours, maybe even fall asleep underwater, why not, with a huge tank of oxygen, or build a hideout underwater, or get a submarine... yeah: submarine or similar. Yeah, then the nuclear holocaust will hit the island, and I will be the only survivor because i was underwater. The gossiping bitches at the beach will be wiped out.

And I will be able to wear my swimsuit, regardless of my age.