my journal 3

Today it's gonna be me vs the ZN:

esigchartspon.png

I am quite confident and I am short several contracts. For the ZN at this level, force of gravity is very real. You can tell by looking at its chart. If instead you look at stock indexes or gold, as a rule, helium is a reality.

Another struggle today is against the usual monkey here at the office. Trying to not get touched by him. It's almost like being in jail, you know that movie... excellent comedy with dax shepard:
Let's Go to Prison - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Except of being raped though, I am being touched on the shoulder. I'm going to fix it though. I can't tell you exactly how many more days, but we're getting there. The reclining chair strategy worked, but it wasn't definitive. This spurred me to finally resort to talking and two days ago I told him "please stop". The next time I'll say this plus more, and then it's war, but I know he won't get that far. He's rude and an animal but not an asshole.

Anyway, whether you're conscious of it or not, your whole life you're struggling for respect. Only some of us learn how to respect others. In my case, through education and upbringing, I learned how to respect others first, and I am now struggling to learn, much later, how to be respected. Unfortunately, you don't get respected by being nice, unlike my mom taught me. Quite the opposite, unfortunately.

Others never bother to learn to respect others. I think that's the majority. They're just motivated by fear. If there's no threat, they don't respect. That is why others have to learn to get respect through threat. Otherwise it wouldn't be necessary. But this we share with animals, so all that praising of animals and despising humans is bull**** actually, because animals don't know **** about being polite and respect.

But to get back to my principles, the best rule is to avoid direct contact with humans whenever possible.
 
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Remember how I said that the gods of the markets help me out with my trades whenever something goes wrong in my daily life, such as someone treating me like crap?

That was delusional, a delusional explanation, but I have another explanation: whenever things are going well for me and I have no frustrations, maybe I blow money in the markets because I don't feel entitled to it. Whenever I have been wronged unfairly, I allow myself to make money in the markets without feeling the usual guilt for it.

In some way, in my life I have always felt that I had it easy, and I did, for sure. So this makes me feel like it's too easy to make money without working, on top of having had an easy life.

But lately, in the last... 10 years, I haven't had it easy. I've worked without getting promoted, and in general my good manners have given me a disadvantage in a city and work place where everyone else follows the law of the jungle.

So, in the same way as I don't let cab drivers rip me off (which happens 5% of the time here in Rome, if you're a local, and more often if you're a tourist), lately I have probably felt too mistreated by life, to allow the markets to take my money.

So, it's not that the gods of the markets are helping me out (who knows - I can't rule that out either), but it's rather that I have decided to help myself, because I feel that I deserve this easy money.

In the same way in my life I feel that I've reached an age and a point where I am not going to take any more **** from anyone that I am able to stop. Why do I have to allow people to put their hand on my shoulder if I don't like it? I am going to stop it.

Why do I have to allow the boss to yell at me if I don't like it? I am going to stop it. I am going to stop all that I can identify as disrespect or as unpleasant. Including people getting too close to me or asking impertinent questions.

This trend has been increasing because I hadn't been around such animals in a long time, and now that I am an adult I am not willing to put up with any abuses from other adults. Nor do I have to do it, because there is no physical threat whatsoever nowadays.
 
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Today there was no dip in the futures traded by my systems at the time they exit:

esigchartspon.jpg

So no one is using them massively.

...

...there is no physical threat whatsoever nowadays
Click to expand...
Famous last words. He just tried to hug me! Jesus. I barely escaped. What a damn pervert.
 
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He's finally gone to lunch and I'm having my two hours of peace, as before he comes. It goes like this: 2 hours of peace, he comes and bothers me for 2 hours, then two more hours of peace and then I go home.

I wonder.

I wonder something, but I don't know precisely what I am wondering. I am wondering a lot of things, but mainly how and if I will be able to work on him without him rebelling, like today when he tried to hug me (in a "brotherly love" kind of way, which I interpret as brotherly harassment).

It all boils down to this: he wants to talk and play and joke, I want to work and work and work (whether on office things, or on my own research).

We can't get along. It's always been a fight, of having things half and half, but I am tired of only being able to work half of the time. I have the right to be able to work all the time.

At the same time I realize that here there's a slacker mentality so I am really odd, and I am at risk of being lynched, at any time, for not talking about soccer, for not singing, for not whistling, for not being loud and obnoxious, for not going on coffee breaks, for working so much and so conscientiously.
 
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So, it looks like it will finally fall.

ZN hesitates:

esigchartspon.png


And so does BUND:

b.png

Ouch... I was totally wrong. For the moment.
 
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Going better with my trading... right now I am above 15k, with some help from discretionary trading, which recouped the losses from discretionary trading itself.

However these losses are only very temporary, because there's no way this ZN and GBL will stay at these unheard of levels.

I'll probably be at around 17k of capital by tomorrow night. What sucks is that the systems are proceeding at a snail's pace. They must have made like 5k in a bit more than 3 months, instead of the 18k I was expecting. I made 4k more on top of that, at great risk of compulsive gambling and blowing out.

Here's the last 3 and a half months:

started with 4k

brought it to 8k all by myself.

systems brought it to about 13k

brought that to 15k as of now

So, I made more than the systems, but there was a greater risk of blowing out, much greater. Now the danger should be over, not for me, but for the systems. With this capital, the risk of blowing out by trading the systems is about 2% (calculated with a random resampling of the back-tested trades).

...

dude!

Reached 16k at the end. Awesome.

100% in september: 4k to 8k
100% in october: 8k to 12k
100% in november: 12k to 16k

Of course I am talking about 100% on initial capital, otherwise my return is relentlessly decreasing, which in reality, it is, because I am by all means playing more and more safely relative to the capital available. In absolute terms, I am always investing the same on each future, but the difference is that I am diversifying more and making simultaneous bets.

Well, i had never had this much capital during the last 2 years, if I remember correctly. Right. I never came to this much, also because with the investors it was their capital, so that doesn't count.

I think I have to go back to 2009 when I reached 31k. But then I blew it out. Pretty quickly.

Well, well. I am alive, as far as I can tell. I have capital, so to speak, by my standards. I can affect my life. Not much but at least a little bit. I could shop on ebay and buy some toothpaste aloedent, the expensive one. I could buy a remote controlled submarine to play with, in the bath tub. I'd like to buy lots of pot, but that's the only thing I can't buy, due to lack of drug dealers, in my neighborhood, and in my phonebook.

...

The government just fell, because berlusconi decided to withdraw support, because his parliamentarians were growing restless and were about to dispute his leadership, so he decided to speed things up and we'll vote in 2 months rather than in 5. So my father in 2 months will no longer be a politician, because he won't run again. Everyone retires, except the one who really can't wait to retire, which is me.
 
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still depressed.

it always happens when i reach a given, large, amount of capital

with 16k i could do some useful things, even live off trading, but all of a sudden i am more depressed than before: why?

simple, the small problems i was having were hiding bigger problems from my sight

now I have removed from my mind the small problems, that could be solved with money, and i am seeing death, not just mine but of those around me

and so i get depressed

maybe that's why also some young and rich people kill themselves

they don't have small daily problems i have and all they see is the existential problems: they don't have an idiot in front of them every day, who tries to touch them, they don't have to worry about trading even, they don't have to worry about getting a woman. They have the world in their hands, and then they... maybe they see that there's nothing much to enjoy in life and many things to lose... basically my point is that the smaller bull**** problems are very good distractions from the bigger problems.

somewhat related to maslow's hierarchy of needs, which i had seen on a book in college.

if you're worried about the basic needs such as getting food to eat, you won't worry about getting a woman.

if you're worried about getting a woman to have sex with, you won't worry about the universe and the infinite

if you've got food and shelter and woman, then you're screwed, because you think about the universe, the infinity of time and space, and then you feel like killing yourself
 
OMG, this is hilarious. I just thought of a possible explanation for my intolerance regarding my roommate and his putting his hand on my shoulder.

I had always noticed, and a colleague often told me, that my mood varies according to my trading balance. And that is no surprise for a trader. Now, this is also pretty close to saying that your self-esteem varies according to your trading balance, and if it is so, then this explains everything. Until I wasn't making money, I felt that I wasn't entitled to having my own space, such as a circle with a radius of 1 meter where no one can enter. Now that my capital and trading profits are higher than they've been in years, I am not only starting to feel that I don't need the job at the bank, but also that I am worthy of (more) respect. And all of a sudden, unconsciously, I am no longer willing to accept an army barracks treatment or whatever you call it. Due to my trading profits, I mentally switched from soldier to lieutenant. I hadn't realized this.

Amazing how much a change in trading balance affects your thoughts and outlook on life, even without ever using any of that money.
 
things2do

I need to become an expert at arguments by finding a database of arguments that happened to others, so to optimize the reaction and interpretation of other people's reasons.

An important ingredient of knowing how to solve/prevent an argument is to understand that it's not personal. My paranoid attitude never helped me - it's the biggest problem I have, together with my politeness.

I can't go on solving problems by avoiding people.

A good start would be to simply ask, whoever I am with, what arguments they've had and how they solved them.
 
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ZN: it's happening

esigchartspon.png

You see how it's turning down? It's happening. And today it's a Friday.

Today I had an argument with a cab driver, or rather, I offered him my newspaper and he refused to accept it, so I consider it like an argument.

This means the gods of the markets will give me plenty of profit.

With 3 contracts, I should make at the very least 1000 dollars, and reach 17k, at which point I will demand a radius of 2 meters, and people won't be able to look at my face, or I'll sue them.
 
Thanks, for a second I thought you said "good luck, you need it" and I was about to sue you, too, but then I suppose "good luck, you deserve it" is a friendly wish, so... thank you. And good luck to you, too. May the gods of the markets be with you.
 
Ok, came back home and sure enough, capital was at about 17k. Now i better stop trading discretionary because I am definitely getting too cocky. I am starting to think that I can make 1000 dollars every day, no matter what... this is the best way to blow out my account, just placing random trades. And in fact this is exactly the setting that makes me blow out my account, when my capital is at about 20k to 30k. It's almost as if I felt uncomfortable with having more money and unconsciously found ways to get rid of it.

That is why I came up with my trading systems, to handle a capital that emotionally destabilizes me, but the problem is that lately they're not making much money at all, like 300 per week on average, vs the 1500 they should be making.
 
If you need to get rid of some capital, you can send it to me and I will dispose of it for you. :)

Sounds like you are in a good place right now, just be careful and have a restful weekend.
 
Yes, but as the old readers know, I've been this excited about 10 times before, and each time, after a few weeks, I had blown out my account. Thanks for the offer to dispose of my capital, free of charge. I will look into it.

If all else fails, I will come to you, and in return I will dispose of your web design skills.
 
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