Yamato
Legendary member
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- 9,840
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- 246
Oh god... just came back from the restaurant. Awful experience. There was a lady sitting in front of me. She was staring at me for several minutes.
Oh ****.
It was driving me mad. I wanted to tell her "what the **** are you looking at?".
I have a long way to go.
If I still take these things so personally there is no hope of ever becoming a healthy and profitable discretionary trader.
I wanted to kill the ****ing bitch.
---
I am very far from the being the
1) not vengeful
2) not perfectionist
person I need to be.
---
I mean, ok, the lady was a rude bitch who deserves to die and be slaughtered on the spot. Mother ****ing whore.
But she should not have had that effect on me. What happened to all my good plans and intentions and resolutions of not taking things personally?
This was a golden opportunity and I blew it. I kept staring back at her, with great anger.
Oh, damn, it's so hard... so hard not to take things personally. So hard for me.
This is just one single problem, joint with trading and everything else. Only that if I get wronged by a lady who looks at me, I am pissed off for hours. If I am wronged by GBL I take it out on GBL, which means taking it out on my account.
If I had the possibility to get away with it, I would have just killed the lady.
And since I can't kill all these people who bother me, all these repressed emotions make me even more prone to act on my impulses when I can do it, such as in trading.
I need to solve the problem at the root, if that is possible.
I need to cure my perfectionism and touchiness.
It has to disappear in every area of my life. It's all part of one problem. It's not "revenge trading", but "revenge living" altogether.
I have to get rid of my "vengeful perfectionist living".
...
You know what's next? Me scratching my head and thinking back to this lady who was staring at me. I will be doing it for maybe half an hour. I don't think it's healthy but it's normal. Normal when I feel that I have been wronged and that the lady didn't have the right to stare at me, and deserves to die for having done it.
It's not gonna work. I am not going to get over these things, and I am not going to become profitable.
I will just keep writing to see as I progress, but I am very skeptical. There is just too much anger and touchiness in me.
---
Another aspect of this situation is fixating on things. Fixating is great in that it allows me to become really good at something, or let's say that it enables to learn things that other people cannot learn because they give up, whereas I keep fixating on something, until I have solved the problem.
However, I don't seem to find a solution to people staring at me at restaurants.
Nor to losses in the markets. Nor to the lady slamming the door. Nor to the neighbor child crying.
But, once I have figured out that there is no solution, and here is where I am sick, instead of leaving the problem alone and forgetting about it, I keep fixating on it, not really in search of a solution, but just thinking about it obsessively, although I know i never reached and never will reach any useful conclusions, so it is just useless fixations. And I mean hours of fixations on these unsolvable problems, related to people mostly. Maybe an average of 2 hours per day in my entire life. Yeah.
For the lady:
1) can't kill her
2) can't make a scene each time someone stares at me and can't say "what are you looking at"
3) staring back doesn't help much, because even if they stop, I am still bothered by the experience
4) the only really good solution there is, is to stop minding altogether. You want to stare at me, even laugh at me? No problem! Yeah, I wish...
For trading, for a loss incurred:
1) once you're in the red, you can't fix it by doubling up
2) once the money is lost, you don't recover by regretting your choices, but by focusing on the future trades
3) revenge trading is like staring back at the lady
In a way another side to my problem is that I fixate on the past rather than on the future. As if I could ever go back and change things. And instead, when similar situations happen, I just keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again. So maybe this fixating on the past... even distracts me from the future.
I am tired of being myself, but I don't know how to change, and it seems very very... against nature. It seems to me like the most natural and even pleasant thing to do is to think and ruminate and fixate on these things, as I've been doing all my life:
1) the lady who slammed the door, and how much I hate her
2) the lady who stared at me, and how much I'd like her to die
3) the trades I missed
4) all the mistakes I made
5) my parents and what i blame them for
6) the child screaming and how i'd like him to die
7) all the people I'd like to kill... 95% of the world
What is all this if not a waste of time? But it seems the most natural and instinctive path. Oh, god... it's hopeless.
But also I should ask myself: do I want to do what feels good or do I want to walk the hard unpleasant but rewarding path?
All these good habits that I have now, of perseverance and hard work were once not habits but new things that required effort. Now they're so ingrained that I find it hard to do otherwise and do a sloppy work or be disorderly.
So maybe I can turn new efficient behaviors into habits so that they won't require as much effort anymore.
Let's see...
So far the good habit that solves all these problems related to people is to simply avoid people, and... well, it works. It works, so it should always be the first option. Avoiding people.
For example, today I - unfortunately - met that old neighbor I had. The consequence was:
1) I spent 50 dollars in taxis
2) I spent 70 dollars in restaurant
3) I met the bitch at the restaurant who stared at me
4) the old friend now says she'll get in touch with me next week - more money down the toilet
How did this happen? I didn't call a cab but walked to the train station to go grab a taxi and the taxi station.
There I met that whore, former neighbor of mine.
120 dollars wasted
So, yeah, it is good to avoid people. But what do I do when I can't avoid people?
Let's see.
Well, first of all, one good thing to do in the future is to answer her text message and saying I don't feel like meeting her again, as politely as possible.
What about the other situations...?
Problems:
1) the lady who slammed the door, and how much I hate her
2) the lady who stared at me, and how much I'd like her to die
3) the trades I missed
4) the mistakes I made
5) my parents
6) the child screaming
Solutions:
1) pretend it's not a person, but an inanimate object making the noise, like an airplane or a truck, or an animal at the zoo - what difference does it make if I have an ape next door? I don't get mad at stupid animals or inanimate objects. I only get mad at humans that behave like animals. So find tricks to stop thinking about her and to stop hating her.
2) try to stop thinking about it
3) stop thinking about them
4) stop thinking about them
5) stop thinking about them
6) pretend it's some sort of animal or that you're in the jungle, or go sleep somewhere else
I don't know. I can see no other way than to say to myself: stop thinking about it. It almost seems too simple to work.
Recapitulating, the two things that I have to remind myself of is to:
1) the opposite of touchy:
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/touchy
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/unflappable
Wow, that's it.
Then...
2) what was the other one? Not perfectionist, but let's find the perfectionist sense of pedantic. Only the bad side of perfectionism.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/perfectionist?s=t
But let's find an even better term for the useless part of my perfectionism, in other words, I want to remain a perfectionist but only in the things that I can change and in the things that matter.
No need to be a perfectionist by trying to make every trade profitable, because that will blow out my account. No need to turn every human from the apes they are into a polite person, because that'll ruin my life. They will remain apes.
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/perfectionist
The two that represent best the part of my perfectionism that I want to eliminate are:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nitpick
...
I am ****ed. I can't even find a univocal way of defining my problem. There's so many terms and different ways of describing it.
But if I want to solve it, I have to stop doing something that I am doing. Let's try it again:
1) getting offended
that's it.
There was only one. Because after all, the markets, by denying my vision of things, and depriving me of profit, are offending me.
It's more about getting offended than about my perfectionism.
If I just focus on not getting offended in every field of my life, this will probably work.
STOP GETTING OFFENDED, AT ALL COSTS.
Ilse Werner used to sing: sing a song whenever you are sad and it would be a nice ending to this post, but it's not right. I have to be in a state of mind, whereby I don't even get sad or offended.
but let's post it anyway:
If I can achieve this, it will be my greatest feat.
Becoming insensitive to people. Going from oversensitive and touchy to completely insensitive. How about that? This would be great.
Yes, because the only way I see to not be offended is to become insensitive to people, and to things, because somehow I also take offense at the markets.
It's maybe about losing my ego, my reputation. I just should stop caring about inconsequential things. Forgetting even about the concept of respect. I am not living in a society where a lack of respect is dangerous. I am not getting property stolen because the neighbor is slamming her door.
Sure, she is impolite and this is a lack of respect, but since I will never go and tell her, then it doesn't make sense to waste my life hating her. It doesn't make sense to worry about problems I cannot solve.
Oh ****.
It was driving me mad. I wanted to tell her "what the **** are you looking at?".
I have a long way to go.
If I still take these things so personally there is no hope of ever becoming a healthy and profitable discretionary trader.
I wanted to kill the ****ing bitch.
---
I am very far from the being the
1) not vengeful
2) not perfectionist
person I need to be.
---
I mean, ok, the lady was a rude bitch who deserves to die and be slaughtered on the spot. Mother ****ing whore.
But she should not have had that effect on me. What happened to all my good plans and intentions and resolutions of not taking things personally?
This was a golden opportunity and I blew it. I kept staring back at her, with great anger.
Oh, damn, it's so hard... so hard not to take things personally. So hard for me.
This is just one single problem, joint with trading and everything else. Only that if I get wronged by a lady who looks at me, I am pissed off for hours. If I am wronged by GBL I take it out on GBL, which means taking it out on my account.
If I had the possibility to get away with it, I would have just killed the lady.
And since I can't kill all these people who bother me, all these repressed emotions make me even more prone to act on my impulses when I can do it, such as in trading.
I need to solve the problem at the root, if that is possible.
I need to cure my perfectionism and touchiness.
It has to disappear in every area of my life. It's all part of one problem. It's not "revenge trading", but "revenge living" altogether.
I have to get rid of my "vengeful perfectionist living".
...
You know what's next? Me scratching my head and thinking back to this lady who was staring at me. I will be doing it for maybe half an hour. I don't think it's healthy but it's normal. Normal when I feel that I have been wronged and that the lady didn't have the right to stare at me, and deserves to die for having done it.
It's not gonna work. I am not going to get over these things, and I am not going to become profitable.
I will just keep writing to see as I progress, but I am very skeptical. There is just too much anger and touchiness in me.
---
Another aspect of this situation is fixating on things. Fixating is great in that it allows me to become really good at something, or let's say that it enables to learn things that other people cannot learn because they give up, whereas I keep fixating on something, until I have solved the problem.
However, I don't seem to find a solution to people staring at me at restaurants.
Nor to losses in the markets. Nor to the lady slamming the door. Nor to the neighbor child crying.
But, once I have figured out that there is no solution, and here is where I am sick, instead of leaving the problem alone and forgetting about it, I keep fixating on it, not really in search of a solution, but just thinking about it obsessively, although I know i never reached and never will reach any useful conclusions, so it is just useless fixations. And I mean hours of fixations on these unsolvable problems, related to people mostly. Maybe an average of 2 hours per day in my entire life. Yeah.
For the lady:
1) can't kill her
2) can't make a scene each time someone stares at me and can't say "what are you looking at"
3) staring back doesn't help much, because even if they stop, I am still bothered by the experience
4) the only really good solution there is, is to stop minding altogether. You want to stare at me, even laugh at me? No problem! Yeah, I wish...
For trading, for a loss incurred:
1) once you're in the red, you can't fix it by doubling up
2) once the money is lost, you don't recover by regretting your choices, but by focusing on the future trades
3) revenge trading is like staring back at the lady
In a way another side to my problem is that I fixate on the past rather than on the future. As if I could ever go back and change things. And instead, when similar situations happen, I just keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again. So maybe this fixating on the past... even distracts me from the future.
I am tired of being myself, but I don't know how to change, and it seems very very... against nature. It seems to me like the most natural and even pleasant thing to do is to think and ruminate and fixate on these things, as I've been doing all my life:
1) the lady who slammed the door, and how much I hate her
2) the lady who stared at me, and how much I'd like her to die
3) the trades I missed
4) all the mistakes I made
5) my parents and what i blame them for
6) the child screaming and how i'd like him to die
7) all the people I'd like to kill... 95% of the world
What is all this if not a waste of time? But it seems the most natural and instinctive path. Oh, god... it's hopeless.
But also I should ask myself: do I want to do what feels good or do I want to walk the hard unpleasant but rewarding path?
All these good habits that I have now, of perseverance and hard work were once not habits but new things that required effort. Now they're so ingrained that I find it hard to do otherwise and do a sloppy work or be disorderly.
So maybe I can turn new efficient behaviors into habits so that they won't require as much effort anymore.
Let's see...
So far the good habit that solves all these problems related to people is to simply avoid people, and... well, it works. It works, so it should always be the first option. Avoiding people.
For example, today I - unfortunately - met that old neighbor I had. The consequence was:
1) I spent 50 dollars in taxis
2) I spent 70 dollars in restaurant
3) I met the bitch at the restaurant who stared at me
4) the old friend now says she'll get in touch with me next week - more money down the toilet
How did this happen? I didn't call a cab but walked to the train station to go grab a taxi and the taxi station.
There I met that whore, former neighbor of mine.
120 dollars wasted
So, yeah, it is good to avoid people. But what do I do when I can't avoid people?
Let's see.
Well, first of all, one good thing to do in the future is to answer her text message and saying I don't feel like meeting her again, as politely as possible.
What about the other situations...?
Problems:
1) the lady who slammed the door, and how much I hate her
2) the lady who stared at me, and how much I'd like her to die
3) the trades I missed
4) the mistakes I made
5) my parents
6) the child screaming
Solutions:
1) pretend it's not a person, but an inanimate object making the noise, like an airplane or a truck, or an animal at the zoo - what difference does it make if I have an ape next door? I don't get mad at stupid animals or inanimate objects. I only get mad at humans that behave like animals. So find tricks to stop thinking about her and to stop hating her.
2) try to stop thinking about it
3) stop thinking about them
4) stop thinking about them
5) stop thinking about them
6) pretend it's some sort of animal or that you're in the jungle, or go sleep somewhere else
I don't know. I can see no other way than to say to myself: stop thinking about it. It almost seems too simple to work.
Recapitulating, the two things that I have to remind myself of is to:
1) the opposite of touchy:
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/touchy
wow, unflappable:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/unflappable
I have to learn to be imperturbable.
Wow, that's it.
Then...
2) what was the other one? Not perfectionist, but let's find the perfectionist sense of pedantic. Only the bad side of perfectionism.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/perfectionist?s=t
Already the second one would explain all the problems I have in my daily life. Slamming the door bothers me so much because I am touchy and also because I... "demand perfection of others". Slamming your door is not necessary, it bothers others, so it is not a perfect behavior.
But let's find an even better term for the useless part of my perfectionism, in other words, I want to remain a perfectionist but only in the things that I can change and in the things that matter.
No need to be a perfectionist by trying to make every trade profitable, because that will blow out my account. No need to turn every human from the apes they are into a polite person, because that'll ruin my life. They will remain apes.
http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/perfectionist
The two that represent best the part of my perfectionism that I want to eliminate are:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nitpick
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fussbudget
...
I am ****ed. I can't even find a univocal way of defining my problem. There's so many terms and different ways of describing it.
But if I want to solve it, I have to stop doing something that I am doing. Let's try it again:
1) getting offended
that's it.
There was only one. Because after all, the markets, by denying my vision of things, and depriving me of profit, are offending me.
It's more about getting offended than about my perfectionism.
If I just focus on not getting offended in every field of my life, this will probably work.
STOP GETTING OFFENDED, AT ALL COSTS.
Ilse Werner used to sing: sing a song whenever you are sad and it would be a nice ending to this post, but it's not right. I have to be in a state of mind, whereby I don't even get sad or offended.
but let's post it anyway:
If I can achieve this, it will be my greatest feat.
Becoming insensitive to people. Going from oversensitive and touchy to completely insensitive. How about that? This would be great.
Yes, because the only way I see to not be offended is to become insensitive to people, and to things, because somehow I also take offense at the markets.
It's maybe about losing my ego, my reputation. I just should stop caring about inconsequential things. Forgetting even about the concept of respect. I am not living in a society where a lack of respect is dangerous. I am not getting property stolen because the neighbor is slamming her door.
Sure, she is impolite and this is a lack of respect, but since I will never go and tell her, then it doesn't make sense to waste my life hating her. It doesn't make sense to worry about problems I cannot solve.
Last edited:
Yamato
Legendary member
- Messages
- 9,840
- Likes
- 246
I just had another intuition.
Somehow deep inside me there is a conviction and an expectation that the offender will be punished, and is to be punished and that I should do my best to punish it.
This is very clear to me when I see colleagues not doing their jobs: working poorly, not working at all, wasting time, pretending they're working.
I try everything to make them change and/or punish them for their behavior: I tell them, I tell the boss, I despise them.
Taxi drivers: I get into the cab and I see they're hiding the taximeter. I tell them to uncover it by lifting lowering the central seats (many of them have a model of FIAT called MULTIPLA). I keep telling them until they either do as I asked or ask me to get out of the car.
In the same way with people who stare at me or disrespect me in any other way or don't follow the rules.
I feel the need to fix everything around me.
In the same way, I find it unbearable that GBL or another future shouldn't behave according to my order of things, to the way I pictured the next leg of the chart.
In other words, I am also a control freak, which is a concept close to perfectionist, and also close to what we were saying of my future "Don't get offended" motto, because a perfectionist and a control freak basically gets offended and feels disrespected when he feels people are not behaving according to their rules. He takes it personally if someone is impolite and he takes it personally if the market wrongs him by going in another direction than the one he expected.
But control freaks are the way they are because they are effective at predicting things, because things can be studied and always behave the same way. But they get mad when they try to do the same thing with humans and financial markets, because these are neither as predictable nor as manageable as regular inanimate objects.
So I need at all costs to get rid of this urge, typical of control freaks, to fix things/people and to punish those who don't conform to my sense of optimal things, and rules. And of course I don't mean just the law, because there is no law forbidding people from looking at me. I mean politeness, too. I felt the urge to punish this lady who was looking at me. As I feel the urge people who go to watch bullfights, so even people who don't break the law and who don't do any damage to me. Basically I feel the need to shape everyone around me to behave as i believe they should behave.
This means being a control freak. And in this sense, once again, I am similar to Hitler, and it is not necessarily a bad thing, in that it stems from exercising your will power. It's a side effect of working hard and trying to use your will power to affect the world around you. People who slack off don't have this problem. It's those who work hard who have this problem.
But you see, if you try to build a house, and overdo it, it won't fall. It will probably be finished earlier than if you didn't try. But if you tried too hard with the markets... you will blow out your account. So control freak isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't have side effects in every field. A painter or a scientist will probably be a control freak and will do the right thing. But for a trader is different. And also for someone who works with other people at a bank for example. You have to accept that they won't behave as you expect them to behave or else your plans will fail, because you will be relying on things you cannot rely on.
So I am going to have problems with discretionary trading if I want to keep being a control freak. Because, once I will rely on events that will not happen, this failure to shape the markets will cause me to get angry, so angry that I am irrational, so irrational that I don't trade according to statistics, but as if I were physically fighting a person. In other words, the usual martingale philosophy of "I will keep betting in the same direction". But once you run out of money, especially if you don't much money to begin with, this method stops working. With infinite money it would definitely work.
I have to stop fighting the world, and expecting to shape everything according to my wishes. I do this at home, I do this at the bank, I do this with trading. I have to stop being a vengeful touchy control freak.
I have to accept the idea that people and things will not behave according to my desires and expectations.
So I either understand this, that I can't bend everything according to my desires, or it's never going to work.
Somehow deep inside me there is a conviction and an expectation that the offender will be punished, and is to be punished and that I should do my best to punish it.
This is very clear to me when I see colleagues not doing their jobs: working poorly, not working at all, wasting time, pretending they're working.
I try everything to make them change and/or punish them for their behavior: I tell them, I tell the boss, I despise them.
Taxi drivers: I get into the cab and I see they're hiding the taximeter. I tell them to uncover it by lifting lowering the central seats (many of them have a model of FIAT called MULTIPLA). I keep telling them until they either do as I asked or ask me to get out of the car.
In the same way with people who stare at me or disrespect me in any other way or don't follow the rules.
I feel the need to fix everything around me.
In the same way, I find it unbearable that GBL or another future shouldn't behave according to my order of things, to the way I pictured the next leg of the chart.
In other words, I am also a control freak, which is a concept close to perfectionist, and also close to what we were saying of my future "Don't get offended" motto, because a perfectionist and a control freak basically gets offended and feels disrespected when he feels people are not behaving according to their rules. He takes it personally if someone is impolite and he takes it personally if the market wrongs him by going in another direction than the one he expected.
But control freaks are the way they are because they are effective at predicting things, because things can be studied and always behave the same way. But they get mad when they try to do the same thing with humans and financial markets, because these are neither as predictable nor as manageable as regular inanimate objects.
So I need at all costs to get rid of this urge, typical of control freaks, to fix things/people and to punish those who don't conform to my sense of optimal things, and rules. And of course I don't mean just the law, because there is no law forbidding people from looking at me. I mean politeness, too. I felt the urge to punish this lady who was looking at me. As I feel the urge people who go to watch bullfights, so even people who don't break the law and who don't do any damage to me. Basically I feel the need to shape everyone around me to behave as i believe they should behave.
This means being a control freak. And in this sense, once again, I am similar to Hitler, and it is not necessarily a bad thing, in that it stems from exercising your will power. It's a side effect of working hard and trying to use your will power to affect the world around you. People who slack off don't have this problem. It's those who work hard who have this problem.
But you see, if you try to build a house, and overdo it, it won't fall. It will probably be finished earlier than if you didn't try. But if you tried too hard with the markets... you will blow out your account. So control freak isn't necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn't have side effects in every field. A painter or a scientist will probably be a control freak and will do the right thing. But for a trader is different. And also for someone who works with other people at a bank for example. You have to accept that they won't behave as you expect them to behave or else your plans will fail, because you will be relying on things you cannot rely on.
So I am going to have problems with discretionary trading if I want to keep being a control freak. Because, once I will rely on events that will not happen, this failure to shape the markets will cause me to get angry, so angry that I am irrational, so irrational that I don't trade according to statistics, but as if I were physically fighting a person. In other words, the usual martingale philosophy of "I will keep betting in the same direction". But once you run out of money, especially if you don't much money to begin with, this method stops working. With infinite money it would definitely work.
I have to stop fighting the world, and expecting to shape everything according to my wishes. I do this at home, I do this at the bank, I do this with trading. I have to stop being a vengeful touchy control freak.
I have to accept the idea that people and things will not behave according to my desires and expectations.
So I either understand this, that I can't bend everything according to my desires, or it's never going to work.
Last edited:
Yamato
Legendary member
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- Likes
- 246
I may sound like I am going crazy, and maybe I am a little bit. But I have to obsess and force myself to break the structure where my mind has been moving, back and forth, for decades.
This structure is a structure where people must fit my boxes of optimal behaviors or I will despise them and hate them and, as I said, I also apply this to the stock market.
I have to break this screwed up mindset and adopt one where people are how they are, I am how I am, and I have to work with the reality I have around me, rather than work on the reality I would like around me.
In other words, I can't keep saying that at work I only have a 5% of good people and that I refuse to interact with anyone else, except if that is in my interest. But I should not look down and despite that 95%. I should not fight the way they are. It's not within my means to change them. I should make the best of what I have and this first of all means to not let them know that I hate them, and even better not hate them.
In the same way, I can't force the markets to go where I expect them to go. I can try to understand and I can be right or wrong, but I cannot expect them to always go where I think they will go.
I have to stop fighting reality, confuse it with expectations, and I have to accept that things around me are not going to go according to my expectations, and that I can't improve things by getting angry.
I know I am repeating myself, but this is very important, because if I can figure this out, i can also fix my life to a certain extent.
ACCEPT REALITY AND THAT IT WILL CONTRADICT YOUR EXPECTATIONS - DO NOT GET ANGRY AT REALITY - ADAPT TO REALITY, ADAPT YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Goddamn it, my parents as a child told me to be nice, honest, sincere, and work hard. I did all this, and I came outside into the world, expecting others to be doing the same thing.
In elementary school, it wasn't the case. Junior High school, it wasn't the case, highschool wasn't the case, college wasn't the case, workplace wasn't the case... OK, after all these years, it's time for me to realize that this is the wrong expectation, rather than keep on hating everyone who contradicts this expectation.
In much the same way, once I realize that the Bund can actually go above 145, then why I am still short on the Bund at 152?
What the hell is wrong in my mind? Why was I somewhere taught that if you try hard enough, you will eventually make it?
This is clearly another mistake and so this is one assumption that should be changed as well.
I am intelligent, but I am not special, and I am not blessed by the gods, so it's time to start observing reality rather than shaping it as if I were Adolf Hitler or Benito Mussolini, who by the way didn't have great success in the end, as Jesse Livermore didn't.
In fact, this is why all these years I've been curious and fascinated by Hitler, because, other than the killing of minorities which I disagree with, he has been the most successful dictator of the last few hundred years (just as Livermore, and for the same reason in the end they failed -- too much daring) and, deep inside, I have been dreaming of being a dictator for a long time. And we definitely share being control freaks.
Among the other things I've listed that I have in common with Hitler (a few posts ago), I had forgotten these two:
1) we both don't like being touched
2) we both like to eat the same things over and over again, day after day, week, month, year
Everyone always gets surprised that I can eat the same exact meal every day for months and years.
Anyway, despite all this history that I am learning, actually precisely because of this, it's time that I realize that I have to stop having Hitler and Livermore as role models. Trying to conquer the world will lead me to nothing. Screw megalomania and these delusions of grandeur.
Never let them tempt you again.
This structure is a structure where people must fit my boxes of optimal behaviors or I will despise them and hate them and, as I said, I also apply this to the stock market.
I have to break this screwed up mindset and adopt one where people are how they are, I am how I am, and I have to work with the reality I have around me, rather than work on the reality I would like around me.
In other words, I can't keep saying that at work I only have a 5% of good people and that I refuse to interact with anyone else, except if that is in my interest. But I should not look down and despite that 95%. I should not fight the way they are. It's not within my means to change them. I should make the best of what I have and this first of all means to not let them know that I hate them, and even better not hate them.
In the same way, I can't force the markets to go where I expect them to go. I can try to understand and I can be right or wrong, but I cannot expect them to always go where I think they will go.
I have to stop fighting reality, confuse it with expectations, and I have to accept that things around me are not going to go according to my expectations, and that I can't improve things by getting angry.
I know I am repeating myself, but this is very important, because if I can figure this out, i can also fix my life to a certain extent.
ACCEPT REALITY AND THAT IT WILL CONTRADICT YOUR EXPECTATIONS - DO NOT GET ANGRY AT REALITY - ADAPT TO REALITY, ADAPT YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Goddamn it, my parents as a child told me to be nice, honest, sincere, and work hard. I did all this, and I came outside into the world, expecting others to be doing the same thing.
In elementary school, it wasn't the case. Junior High school, it wasn't the case, highschool wasn't the case, college wasn't the case, workplace wasn't the case... OK, after all these years, it's time for me to realize that this is the wrong expectation, rather than keep on hating everyone who contradicts this expectation.
In much the same way, once I realize that the Bund can actually go above 145, then why I am still short on the Bund at 152?
What the hell is wrong in my mind? Why was I somewhere taught that if you try hard enough, you will eventually make it?
This is clearly another mistake and so this is one assumption that should be changed as well.
I am intelligent, but I am not special, and I am not blessed by the gods, so it's time to start observing reality rather than shaping it as if I were Adolf Hitler or Benito Mussolini, who by the way didn't have great success in the end, as Jesse Livermore didn't.
In fact, this is why all these years I've been curious and fascinated by Hitler, because, other than the killing of minorities which I disagree with, he has been the most successful dictator of the last few hundred years (just as Livermore, and for the same reason in the end they failed -- too much daring) and, deep inside, I have been dreaming of being a dictator for a long time. And we definitely share being control freaks.
Among the other things I've listed that I have in common with Hitler (a few posts ago), I had forgotten these two:
1) we both don't like being touched
2) we both like to eat the same things over and over again, day after day, week, month, year
Everyone always gets surprised that I can eat the same exact meal every day for months and years.
Anyway, despite all this history that I am learning, actually precisely because of this, it's time that I realize that I have to stop having Hitler and Livermore as role models. Trying to conquer the world will lead me to nothing. Screw megalomania and these delusions of grandeur.
Never let them tempt you again.
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Yamato
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more on mannerheim, the guy who secretly taped hitler's conversation with him:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Gustaf_Emil_Mannerheim
On Mannerheim's role in defending Jews
http://www.jewishquarterly.org/issuearchive/article8d14.html?articleid=194
Very interesting story. There's more at the link above.
Here's another nice quote:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Gustaf_Emil_Mannerheim
On Mannerheim's role in defending Jews
http://www.jewishquarterly.org/issuearchive/article8d14.html?articleid=194
Very interesting story. There's more at the link above.
Here's another nice quote:
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Yamato
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I have to learn to discern between good fights and bad fights. Winning fights and losing fights. Persistence, which characterizes me, is not always good.
I tend to persist in a losing argument (or rather an argument with a person who won't be convinced) in the same way I persist in a losing trade.
Persistence should be applied where it is profitable.
Hitler was persistent, too, but he went the wrong way, so his persistence rewarded him up until he invaded france, and punished him from then on.
Daring and persisting like Hitler is the only way to achieve something great, but there are also drawbacks, such as big losses, and to achieve something great without incurring the great losses, you have to learn to say stop to your own persistence, and realize that it is not always a quality -- that it is not always a quality to try to have your way.
You have to accept that sometimes you won't have your way and that you have to stop fighting reality in those cases.
The great advantages that I have, compared to hitler, are these:
1) I can make many mistakes and without risking my life each time: he only made the one mistake of attacking russia and he had to carry that trade open for the next 4 years, until his account was wiped out. And, supposedly, he killed himself, just like Jesse Livermore.
2) I don't need to respond to anyone, just to myself, least of all to the world, for my actions. So, complete freedom. Throughout his life, for his decisions, they tried to kill him 41 times.
3) I have set out to achieve something much smaller. To make a living from trading is not like conquering the world.
4) I can practice. He could not practice. Every choice he made had immediate large-scale consequences. I can place fictitious trades and their result will be the same as real trades: no effect on the market.
We could say that Hitler and Livermore were geniuses but that they dared too much and that they didn't know when to stop. And we have to stress out that they failed, and I think they failed because of it. And I think the same applies to my trading so far, although of course I am not a genius.
But a hard-working and persistent person who sets out to achieve a smaller task and learns when to stop (as in "stoploss") is probably more likely to succeed, in achieving his task, than two geniuses who set out to conquer the world and dared increasingly, as in a delirium of omnipotence.
I tend to persist in a losing argument (or rather an argument with a person who won't be convinced) in the same way I persist in a losing trade.
Persistence should be applied where it is profitable.
Hitler was persistent, too, but he went the wrong way, so his persistence rewarded him up until he invaded france, and punished him from then on.
Daring and persisting like Hitler is the only way to achieve something great, but there are also drawbacks, such as big losses, and to achieve something great without incurring the great losses, you have to learn to say stop to your own persistence, and realize that it is not always a quality -- that it is not always a quality to try to have your way.
You have to accept that sometimes you won't have your way and that you have to stop fighting reality in those cases.
The great advantages that I have, compared to hitler, are these:
1) I can make many mistakes and without risking my life each time: he only made the one mistake of attacking russia and he had to carry that trade open for the next 4 years, until his account was wiped out. And, supposedly, he killed himself, just like Jesse Livermore.
2) I don't need to respond to anyone, just to myself, least of all to the world, for my actions. So, complete freedom. Throughout his life, for his decisions, they tried to kill him 41 times.
3) I have set out to achieve something much smaller. To make a living from trading is not like conquering the world.
4) I can practice. He could not practice. Every choice he made had immediate large-scale consequences. I can place fictitious trades and their result will be the same as real trades: no effect on the market.
We could say that Hitler and Livermore were geniuses but that they dared too much and that they didn't know when to stop. And we have to stress out that they failed, and I think they failed because of it. And I think the same applies to my trading so far, although of course I am not a genius.
But a hard-working and persistent person who sets out to achieve a smaller task and learns when to stop (as in "stoploss") is probably more likely to succeed, in achieving his task, than two geniuses who set out to conquer the world and dared increasingly, as in a delirium of omnipotence.
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Yamato
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Battle of Crete
https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luftlandeschlacht_um_Kreta
watch at minute 3, the Ride of the Valkyries, which reminded me of this (maybe that's where Coppola got the idea):
...
starting at minute 11, Allied version of the invasion of crete
it briefly mentions max schmeling at min 11 and lord haw-haw at minute 13
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Schmeling
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Haw-Haw
All this started one month before Hitler did what screwed everything up: attacking russia. Until here everything was going perfectly. In just one month, Hitler will do what I did in early May 2014, the decision that blew out my account. Daring too much. Letting your success get to your head.
last 2 minutes on crete, but the whole documentary on Fallschirmjäger (paratroopers) is excellent (this video clip is only part 3)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falls...I)#The_Parachutist.27s_.22Ten_Commandments.22
I'm going to try and translate the fallschirmjaeger Ten Commandments into ones for traders:
...
Look at these paratroopers, at second 50 to 60:
They're captured, in front of allied cameras and they still do the nazi salute. This tells us how deeply ingrained it was in them.
All their campaigns:
This second part of the documentary was quite striking to me, I mean Monte Cassino in particular, because I remembered that while these guys were fighting to keep Italy from being conquered by the Allies, the Italians themselves were quitting and surrendering and even switching sides.
Seeing what the Germans achieved then and today, and the Japanese, you'd think: these people have both brains and the will to die for their country, so either of these two people will end up conquering the world, in the long term. Whereas instead, what ends up happening, at least so far, is that the more moderate ones are the ones who win in the long run.
The Germans and the Japanese had everything it took to win, and yet they lost. This could also be a lesson for trading, where sheer will power won't achieve everything.
https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luftlandeschlacht_um_Kreta
watch at minute 3, the Ride of the Valkyries, which reminded me of this (maybe that's where Coppola got the idea):
...
starting at minute 11, Allied version of the invasion of crete
it briefly mentions max schmeling at min 11 and lord haw-haw at minute 13
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Max_Schmeling
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lord_Haw-Haw
All this started one month before Hitler did what screwed everything up: attacking russia. Until here everything was going perfectly. In just one month, Hitler will do what I did in early May 2014, the decision that blew out my account. Daring too much. Letting your success get to your head.
last 2 minutes on crete, but the whole documentary on Fallschirmjäger (paratroopers) is excellent (this video clip is only part 3)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falls...I)#The_Parachutist.27s_.22Ten_Commandments.22
I'm going to try and translate the fallschirmjaeger Ten Commandments into ones for traders:
...
Look at these paratroopers, at second 50 to 60:
They're captured, in front of allied cameras and they still do the nazi salute. This tells us how deeply ingrained it was in them.
All their campaigns:
This second part of the documentary was quite striking to me, I mean Monte Cassino in particular, because I remembered that while these guys were fighting to keep Italy from being conquered by the Allies, the Italians themselves were quitting and surrendering and even switching sides.
Seeing what the Germans achieved then and today, and the Japanese, you'd think: these people have both brains and the will to die for their country, so either of these two people will end up conquering the world, in the long term. Whereas instead, what ends up happening, at least so far, is that the more moderate ones are the ones who win in the long run.
The Germans and the Japanese had everything it took to win, and yet they lost. This could also be a lesson for trading, where sheer will power won't achieve everything.
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Yamato
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Haunebu I
Definitely true, UFOs are nothing but German technology brought to the US through operation Paperclip and they're experimenting with it but don't tell us about it.
http://www.raumfahrtmuseum.com/1_Vo...ugscheiben/Flugkreisel_Haunebu_I_bis_III.html
Articles from New York Times:
http://foofighters.greyfalcon.us/search2.html
The fact that all these clues are being ignored nowadays should make you think.
http://www.saturdaynightuforia.com/html/articles/articlehtml/foofightersofworldwariipartone.html
By now someone could have addressed this evidence and explained it, but instead it has been ignored.
http://thecid.com/ufo/articles/articles/lusar.htm
Definitely true, UFOs are nothing but German technology brought to the US through operation Paperclip and they're experimenting with it but don't tell us about it.
http://www.raumfahrtmuseum.com/1_Vo...ugscheiben/Flugkreisel_Haunebu_I_bis_III.html
Articles from New York Times:
http://foofighters.greyfalcon.us/search2.html
The fact that all these clues are being ignored nowadays should make you think.
http://www.saturdaynightuforia.com/html/articles/articlehtml/foofightersofworldwariipartone.html
By now someone could have addressed this evidence and explained it, but instead it has been ignored.
http://thecid.com/ufo/articles/articles/lusar.htm
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Yamato
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A loss, in trading like in life, paralyzes me. If I get offended by someone I am very very hurt. And I am unable to drop it, to let it go, quit. I tend to engage in a fight to the death. With people and with the markets. I am a really sore loser basically. Also when I play the strategy game risk. I take all losses very personally, in every field. Maybe because my father taught me that I always have to be the best and win. Big problem to fix in my head.
Yamato
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It's time to go to bed. I want you to know that I've been doing a lot of those kreuzwort puzzles. And I am getting quite good at it, to the point that I don't need sometimes to even search on the web to investigate on the answer. I am to the point that I am doing about one of them per day on weekdays and two of them per day on weekends. This is my last one (I attached the solutions on the bottom, just in case, from the following issue of the weekly newspaper):
I have done in total about 5 of them. This absolutely excellent an idea:
1) I learn German
2) I learn the Fraktur alphabet, which is very confusing, for example capital N is almost identical to capital R -- check it out, I put an arrow in the picture above. But N and R are really the hardest ones. For the rest of the characters it is a matter of learning them, and then you won't confuse them. What do I need to understand Fraktur for? I am studying German first of all to understand nazism, which started in 1920. And Fraktur was used up to 1941. So, in case I ever understand written and spoken German (still far from it), I need to be able to read this script fluently, too, or else I will be reluctant to read anything written from 1920 to 1941.
3) I learn history
4) the quiz keeps me going, because it's an addicting riddle
What I've learned is that despite appearances their culture is still very close to ours: Austria of 1940 is very close to the Italy I know today. As I'll get better, I will try to go back in time, although I don't think they had similar quizzes in the previous century. Another interesting thing would be to find kreuzwort with a specific focus on political events of the period, but obviously they're staying away from it. I still found nothing on the politics of the time, after 5 crossword puzzles.
Now I'll turn off my computer. After spending all weekend at home studying, I feel much more balanced and focused on what my objectives need to be. Yeah, I don't think that it is necessary to be around people to be balanced. Actually the opposite.
I have done in total about 5 of them. This absolutely excellent an idea:
1) I learn German
2) I learn the Fraktur alphabet, which is very confusing, for example capital N is almost identical to capital R -- check it out, I put an arrow in the picture above. But N and R are really the hardest ones. For the rest of the characters it is a matter of learning them, and then you won't confuse them. What do I need to understand Fraktur for? I am studying German first of all to understand nazism, which started in 1920. And Fraktur was used up to 1941. So, in case I ever understand written and spoken German (still far from it), I need to be able to read this script fluently, too, or else I will be reluctant to read anything written from 1920 to 1941.
3) I learn history
4) the quiz keeps me going, because it's an addicting riddle
What I've learned is that despite appearances their culture is still very close to ours: Austria of 1940 is very close to the Italy I know today. As I'll get better, I will try to go back in time, although I don't think they had similar quizzes in the previous century. Another interesting thing would be to find kreuzwort with a specific focus on political events of the period, but obviously they're staying away from it. I still found nothing on the politics of the time, after 5 crossword puzzles.
Now I'll turn off my computer. After spending all weekend at home studying, I feel much more balanced and focused on what my objectives need to be. Yeah, I don't think that it is necessary to be around people to be balanced. Actually the opposite.
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Yamato
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Clash of Wings - The Plunge Into Reality (2 of 13)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=egnbBWydBFs
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_France
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Britain
www.youtube.com/watch?v=egnbBWydBFs
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_France
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Britain
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Yamato
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10 May 1940
10 May 1940:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_World_War_II_(1940)#May_1940
I was thinking of these two things:
1) Like in real life, in a peaceful situation, it is very easy to win a fight, with a blitz krieg, because, as the attacker, you choose if, when, who, where to attack. That is how Hitler won so quickly against so many countries. The technology was great and the distances were small. If France for example had attacked Germany in the same way Germany attacked France, obviously the French would have conquered Germany just same, although probably not entirely and/or not as quickly. But instead they waited, because they were peaceful, just like we are all peaceful in real life, when someone really angry comes and attacks us -- he has a clear advantage. So, yeah, Germany was strong and smart, but let us never forget that the French and all the others were waiting, because they didn't want to start a war.
2) Connected to the first point, it must be noted that Churchill took over just on May 10th, because most likely, especially if Hitler hadn't sunk any ships nor bombed anything, Chamberlain just as the French prime minister Reynaud, did not want war, and would have let Hitler get away with Poland's invasion. They were just hoping he wouldn't go any further. So, yes, they declared war on September 3rd, but they still would have left Germany alone.
So the most important date of ww2 is not really September 3rd, 1939, but more May 10th, 1940, in the sense that, after that date, Hitler could not change his mind anymore and had to win it.
I would say these are the crucial date in order of decreasing importance:
May 10th, 1940: after this date, Hitler has to defeat both France and England
June 22nd, 1941: after this date, Hitler has to defeat both England and Russia - the war is lost on this date.
September 3rd, 1939: after this date, Hitler has to defeat Poland, but he could still avoid a war with the Allies, despite their war declaration.
If Hitler wasn't sure of attacking England, he never should have bombed anything nor sunk any of its ships. Despite this, however, he still could have avoided a real war, as long as Chamberlain was in place and before he attacked the Low Countries and France.
So, in summary, Hitler made a choice on May 10th, 1940, which implicated a war against England as well, but he didn't carry through with it, when he instead attacked Russia, a year later. So, the mistake was the typical mistake of starting a second task once you haven't completed the previous one.
Another thing, I think that at this point, after invading France, it didn't make any sense not to invade Switzerland as well.
Another point I want to make: the fact that Hitler, as he claimed, was forced into a war that he didn't want... hmm, i think that is one of the lies he repeated. Because, as I explained, it seems to me that he had many many possibilities to not go on with a war, and to not start it even.
In September 1939, he said Poland attacked Germany, while it was clearly the opposite. So, anyway, first opportunity missed.
As I said, in May 1940, he showed once again he wanted the war, because the French and the others were leaving him alone.
He further showed it in June 22nd, 1941, when he attacked the Soviets, who had been leaving him alone.
Let alone all the countries he attacked between May 1940 and June 1941 (Yugoslavia, Greece... etc.).
---
More on Germany's mistakes:
1) mistake of not producing more U-boats
2) mistake of bombing cities instead of ships (or air fields and fight planes, as in previous video, #2 of 13)
3) mistake of not taking Moscow first
4) more... (see video)
10 May 1940:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_World_War_II_(1940)#May_1940
I was thinking of these two things:
1) Like in real life, in a peaceful situation, it is very easy to win a fight, with a blitz krieg, because, as the attacker, you choose if, when, who, where to attack. That is how Hitler won so quickly against so many countries. The technology was great and the distances were small. If France for example had attacked Germany in the same way Germany attacked France, obviously the French would have conquered Germany just same, although probably not entirely and/or not as quickly. But instead they waited, because they were peaceful, just like we are all peaceful in real life, when someone really angry comes and attacks us -- he has a clear advantage. So, yeah, Germany was strong and smart, but let us never forget that the French and all the others were waiting, because they didn't want to start a war.
2) Connected to the first point, it must be noted that Churchill took over just on May 10th, because most likely, especially if Hitler hadn't sunk any ships nor bombed anything, Chamberlain just as the French prime minister Reynaud, did not want war, and would have let Hitler get away with Poland's invasion. They were just hoping he wouldn't go any further. So, yes, they declared war on September 3rd, but they still would have left Germany alone.
So the most important date of ww2 is not really September 3rd, 1939, but more May 10th, 1940, in the sense that, after that date, Hitler could not change his mind anymore and had to win it.
I would say these are the crucial date in order of decreasing importance:
May 10th, 1940: after this date, Hitler has to defeat both France and England
June 22nd, 1941: after this date, Hitler has to defeat both England and Russia - the war is lost on this date.
September 3rd, 1939: after this date, Hitler has to defeat Poland, but he could still avoid a war with the Allies, despite their war declaration.
If Hitler wasn't sure of attacking England, he never should have bombed anything nor sunk any of its ships. Despite this, however, he still could have avoided a real war, as long as Chamberlain was in place and before he attacked the Low Countries and France.
So, in summary, Hitler made a choice on May 10th, 1940, which implicated a war against England as well, but he didn't carry through with it, when he instead attacked Russia, a year later. So, the mistake was the typical mistake of starting a second task once you haven't completed the previous one.
Another thing, I think that at this point, after invading France, it didn't make any sense not to invade Switzerland as well.
Another point I want to make: the fact that Hitler, as he claimed, was forced into a war that he didn't want... hmm, i think that is one of the lies he repeated. Because, as I explained, it seems to me that he had many many possibilities to not go on with a war, and to not start it even.
In September 1939, he said Poland attacked Germany, while it was clearly the opposite. So, anyway, first opportunity missed.
As I said, in May 1940, he showed once again he wanted the war, because the French and the others were leaving him alone.
He further showed it in June 22nd, 1941, when he attacked the Soviets, who had been leaving him alone.
Let alone all the countries he attacked between May 1940 and June 1941 (Yugoslavia, Greece... etc.).
---
More on Germany's mistakes:
1) mistake of not producing more U-boats
2) mistake of bombing cities instead of ships (or air fields and fight planes, as in previous video, #2 of 13)
3) mistake of not taking Moscow first
4) more... (see video)
Last edited:
Yamato
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Yamato
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I mean, in my index.html, where I keep all my monitored markets, I had some tips from BC Lund, which I quoted, that said:
http://bclund.com/2012/04/08/the-10-commandments-of-trading/
"Remove your emotions
Understand that you will lose on more trades than you will win on; that is just part of the game. If you are the type that always has to be “right” you are going to have a hard time becoming a successful trader. The market is perpetual, it continues on no matter what you think about it with no knowledge that you exist.
Cut your losses
It’s pretty simple. You will not make it in the markets if you can’t cut your losses. You have to be confident in yourself as a trader to know there are an infinite amount of opportunities in the markets and that you can capitalize on them. That gives you the ability to let the losers go."
It seems written expressly for me:
"If you are the type that always has to be “right” you are going to have a hard time..."
"You will not make it in the markets if you can’t cut your losses..."
http://bclund.com/2012/04/08/the-10-commandments-of-trading/
"Remove your emotions
Understand that you will lose on more trades than you will win on; that is just part of the game. If you are the type that always has to be “right” you are going to have a hard time becoming a successful trader. The market is perpetual, it continues on no matter what you think about it with no knowledge that you exist.
Cut your losses
It’s pretty simple. You will not make it in the markets if you can’t cut your losses. You have to be confident in yourself as a trader to know there are an infinite amount of opportunities in the markets and that you can capitalize on them. That gives you the ability to let the losers go."
It seems written expressly for me:
"If you are the type that always has to be “right” you are going to have a hard time..."
"You will not make it in the markets if you can’t cut your losses..."
Yamato
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As suggested to everyone by BC Lund, cfr. previous post, I, too, have to stop being a person who feels the need to always be right and always impress and always be the best.
Even at work, where I am now, I am always trying to be the fastest, the most efficient... what for? When I had the opportunity to leave this place, I blew it, and precisely by rushing things -- investing everything on GBL, and wanting to be right on it. I lost 44k out of the 47k I had.
But I had to be right. I could not tolerate being contradicted by the markets. I had to make money faster and faster. I could not take a loss, go down a couple of thousands and even going down 500 dollars hurt me. Let alone 10 thousands... and each time, by not accepting losses, at first small and later bigger and bigger... each time I postponed the day of reckoning.
Until now, when my fight to the death with GBL has completely destroyed my account. But it would have been the same on most other markets (I was long on everything except GBL, where I was short, and everything went in the opposite direction).
Jesse Livermore, Adolf Hitler and many others before me have achieved the same failures, through the same methods of all or nothing. For a few moments of glory. Just to be able to say "I don't give up" and "I am not a quitter".
What a disaster, this militaristic attitude. My father was from the military, although he later went on to become a professor and a politician. Hitler, too, definitely had that attitude. He certainly would have said that quitting was for jews. He called "jewish" anything he disliked. Well, the jews are the ones who make money anyway. Some terms Hitler used in Mein Kampf, on page 736, referring to jews and finance: "Finanzjudentum", "Börsenjudentum", "...den maßgebenden jüdischen Börsenkräften...".
Anyway, i was saying: the people who don't quit instead, all end up committing suicide. Hitler, Livermore... but not me. I don't accept the nazi propaganda that you have to fight till the death, and commit suicide if you fail, before being captured, or die in battle. If the alternative is between being a nazi who dies in battle or commits suicide and a jew who acts intelligently, I would rather become a jew. A smart person. Not an idiot who follows what was inculcated in him as a child, despite evidence to the contrary.
But what's interesting is that in all the races and competitions I was a big quitter. They even wrote in the school paper about a cycling race: this guy did this, this other guy did that, and travis quit the race.
So if even for a bicycle race I don't behave like nazi paratroopers, who have their ten commandments (cfr. previous post) that say that rather than surrerendering you should prefer death, if I am immune to this stupidity of sacrificing myself for my country or for the sake of not quitting a race, then why do I sacrifice myself to the altar of the Bund mother****er?
Maybe I thought I was actually going to make money. Or maybe I was in denial about reality.
That is what I think. I was at once in denial about reality, and precisely because, having been taught... rather than "never quit", I was taught "you must always be the best" and "you are the best, do not disappoint me" (by my father)... so it is not about quitting, although it sounded right.
It is about being in denial about being wrong. And I am in denial because I was brought up with the illusion that I was perfect, or rather that I had to be perfect, and I achieved this:
1) by being a perfectionist
2) by being in denial when I wasn't perfect ==> and this leads to losing all this money on the BUND
In other words I should still be a perfectionist, where it is useful, but I should get rid of this habit of being in denial when I cannot be perfect, like in trading. And I should also abolish being perfect out of pride.
The objective should be to improve your life, so you're orderly because it pays off, not because you're supposed to be flawless and have symmetrical days... or similar... which in the end would lead to being obsessive-compulsive, which I am not.
Very complex thing. Removing all these things from my life, things that I even have a hard time describing, or rather: things that can be described in so many ways.
But luckily they can still be summarized as "stop fearing to be wrong" and "stop desiring to be right and perfect".
In a way I should become "easy-going" but only as far as these things, and still remain a perfectionist where it pays off.
Even at work, where I am now, I am always trying to be the fastest, the most efficient... what for? When I had the opportunity to leave this place, I blew it, and precisely by rushing things -- investing everything on GBL, and wanting to be right on it. I lost 44k out of the 47k I had.
But I had to be right. I could not tolerate being contradicted by the markets. I had to make money faster and faster. I could not take a loss, go down a couple of thousands and even going down 500 dollars hurt me. Let alone 10 thousands... and each time, by not accepting losses, at first small and later bigger and bigger... each time I postponed the day of reckoning.
Until now, when my fight to the death with GBL has completely destroyed my account. But it would have been the same on most other markets (I was long on everything except GBL, where I was short, and everything went in the opposite direction).
Jesse Livermore, Adolf Hitler and many others before me have achieved the same failures, through the same methods of all or nothing. For a few moments of glory. Just to be able to say "I don't give up" and "I am not a quitter".
What a disaster, this militaristic attitude. My father was from the military, although he later went on to become a professor and a politician. Hitler, too, definitely had that attitude. He certainly would have said that quitting was for jews. He called "jewish" anything he disliked. Well, the jews are the ones who make money anyway. Some terms Hitler used in Mein Kampf, on page 736, referring to jews and finance: "Finanzjudentum", "Börsenjudentum", "...den maßgebenden jüdischen Börsenkräften...".
Anyway, i was saying: the people who don't quit instead, all end up committing suicide. Hitler, Livermore... but not me. I don't accept the nazi propaganda that you have to fight till the death, and commit suicide if you fail, before being captured, or die in battle. If the alternative is between being a nazi who dies in battle or commits suicide and a jew who acts intelligently, I would rather become a jew. A smart person. Not an idiot who follows what was inculcated in him as a child, despite evidence to the contrary.
But what's interesting is that in all the races and competitions I was a big quitter. They even wrote in the school paper about a cycling race: this guy did this, this other guy did that, and travis quit the race.
So if even for a bicycle race I don't behave like nazi paratroopers, who have their ten commandments (cfr. previous post) that say that rather than surrerendering you should prefer death, if I am immune to this stupidity of sacrificing myself for my country or for the sake of not quitting a race, then why do I sacrifice myself to the altar of the Bund mother****er?
Maybe I thought I was actually going to make money. Or maybe I was in denial about reality.
That is what I think. I was at once in denial about reality, and precisely because, having been taught... rather than "never quit", I was taught "you must always be the best" and "you are the best, do not disappoint me" (by my father)... so it is not about quitting, although it sounded right.
It is about being in denial about being wrong. And I am in denial because I was brought up with the illusion that I was perfect, or rather that I had to be perfect, and I achieved this:
1) by being a perfectionist
2) by being in denial when I wasn't perfect ==> and this leads to losing all this money on the BUND
In other words I should still be a perfectionist, where it is useful, but I should get rid of this habit of being in denial when I cannot be perfect, like in trading. And I should also abolish being perfect out of pride.
The objective should be to improve your life, so you're orderly because it pays off, not because you're supposed to be flawless and have symmetrical days... or similar... which in the end would lead to being obsessive-compulsive, which I am not.
Very complex thing. Removing all these things from my life, things that I even have a hard time describing, or rather: things that can be described in so many ways.
But luckily they can still be summarized as "stop fearing to be wrong" and "stop desiring to be right and perfect".
In a way I should become "easy-going" but only as far as these things, and still remain a perfectionist where it pays off.
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