my journal 3

[Yamato]

I did make one mistake today. This unpleasant nurse didn't accept my MRI because she said it wasn't relevant, despite the neurologist's diagnosis being based on it. What an unpleasant surprise, after all the work, hours and money I put into these exams! The mistake was not going there with a lawyer.

I am feeling very disturbed by this memory of this morning, and I have mixed feelings about doctors: a part of me would like to make them disappear from this world. Another part of me would like to pray for their disappearance.

Other than this, I have even more negative thoughts on my mind about these people, some very negative feelings and deep resentment about all these doctors, and about the child neighbor who's screaming right now. But I can't write them anymore, because (until further notice) I am deducing that my language has been found to be offensive ("infraction", posts removed and all that). So, I guess no more of this language or I will be banned.

I definitely should have gone there with a lawyer. Next time I will definitely pay a lawyer instead of my freeloading friend.

Very unpleasant experience, and a very frustrated emotional state right now. I cannot vent out any more than this, because I am guessing that my language is not being tolerated any more.

I am very very frustrated, I don't know... I got some bad ideas in my head...

Taxi Driver - Wizard Advice - YouTube

 

[Yamato]

Ok, I've been reminded the rules, and I guess I will have to express myself "sensibly" from now on, otherwise I'll get reported and risk being banned:

1.04 This isn’t a freedom of speech site. We can be liable for what you post and this could cost us a lot of money. We may have to delete things to protect us from this. So if you want to campaign freely and be allowed to say whatever you like then you will have to find somewhere else to do it. This does not mean you can’t express an opinion, just do so sensibly and within the rules.

Despite all these trolls running free and spreading negativity throughout the forum without being reprimanded, I will behave myself. No more swearing and wishing death on others.

 

[Yamato]

Big loss by the systems yesterday on NG. It went from +1500 to -1300. Damn, I wish I had closed it when I thought of it, but I cannot blame myself, because I estimated that, on average, in this period, systems do better than me. In this case I was wrong. However, it does hurt to lose 3000 dollars. No point in insulting myself or others for this turn of events.

Other than this, GBL is still up there. I hope in this second part of the week it will fall, because that's what usually happens. Probably by Friday, whether or not they went my way, I will close all my trades: the grains, the currencies and GBL. Because if it goes my way, it is much more likely to do so in the second part of the week than in the first part of the week.

 

[Yamato]

I arrived at the office.

Very unpleasant situation with a cab driver just now. I was very dissatisfied with his intelligence and attention. I told him where I had to go and how to get there, by way of via Zanardelli. He took the wrong turn, and several times, after telling him repeatedly where he had to go. I tipped him as usual, abundantly, and he was pleasantly surprised, and I also apologized, twice, for yelling at him "turn right, right, right!", when he was taking the wrong turn. Unfortunately... he was actually nice, but unfortunately with these lower IQ distracted people, things don't always work out even if they mean well. Just like with my mom, who's also a perfect example of lower IQ distracted people.

Out of spite, the taxi driver - before we made peace at the end, with the tip - out of spite he accused me of not having picked the quickest way to the office. He said that... let's check what he suggested instead:



There, just as I thought: a case of lower IQ. Yes, he said there'd be fewer traffic lights but he's wrong about that as well. Oh, man, he's so wrong. His path is the green path, which joins my red path, and starts where the red path starts... lower IQ, lower IQ, lower IQ. There's nothing doing with these lower IQ people.

Today I brought along my backpack with my swim gear, because yesterday I finally found a swimming pool close to work that allows you to swim without having to take classes. I'll go there today, at 14.30.

 

[Yamato]

"Lower IQ people"... I am really enjoying being forced to express myself without swearing. I am really pleased with my newfound ability to define people in a way... in a rational way that defines them without insulting them. Thanks, trade2win.com for making me do this.

What a great forum this is. My favorite place to be online.

There's no need for swear words.

...

Other than this, I am hearing these lower IQ people in the room next to mine, talking incessantly, just like I write incessantly. But I guess they can't write. The problem is that they don't just talk, engaging in their lower IQ vulgar conversations. They also stamp their feet loudly, howl, wail, whistle and sing. I can't get along with these people. It's better to be alone.

Other than these unpleasant people, which are about 95% of all people, I am thinking of trading.

The currency trades are both profitable now. The grains are overall profitable. The JPY was very profitable (4k) when I closed it. So, why am I showing the same balance as when I started these trades?

GBL is the answer. It is still losing me 2000 euros, despite falling a little bit in the last 24 hours. But wait... I am up 5000 dollars on the others, and down less than 3000 dollars on GBL. Why am I not 2000 dollars higher in my balance?

I guess I am up 2000. By now I am probably at 33k. Also, I guess the systems have lost a little bit. Well, at any rate, money doesn't just disappear from my account, so everything matches perfectly, but I am most likely forgetting about that 1000 dollars that is missing in my mind. Let me post my equity line so we see what the situation is like.

Damn, I am really sad about yesterday's NG loss by the systems. I should have looked at it more carefully and closed it. As I said, it went from +1500 to -1300.



Amazingly, it reached 37k, but I wasn't even aware of it, and now it's back at 33k.

Wow, despite this recent fall, it definitely looks good.

Ok, here's my plan.

Most likely I'll close everything on Friday. By then I expect to have made: 1000 on GBP, 1000 on CAD, 1000 on ZW, 1000 on ZC, thereby bringing my capital to 37k.

I am expecting to at least break even on GBL, thereby bringing my capital to 40k.

I expect to make some money (after a few unprofitable days, namely Monday and Wednesday, which offset the huge gain by JPY) on the systems, I'd be glad to break even, by making back 1000.

That would bring capital above 41k.

But today I am withdrawing some money, so let's say that I'll be happy if by tomorrow night I reach 40k.

However, GBL could also fall more than 50 ticks... it could fall to 143, in which case I'd go above 45k. In that case, I would be a new person, a happier one and more confident.

If instead everything goes wrong, I still count on being above 30k, which is better than nothing. Still 30k separating me from these lower IQ people, who are slaves to their animal instincts. A "profit cushion" (like the investors called it) to protect me from contact with the lower IQ people and their animal instincts. To put some sort of safety distance between me and their feet-stamping, howling, wailing, whistling and singing. And touching. Stay away from me, animals! No swear words in the whole post. Actually by calling these people "animals" I am insulting animals, because some animals are polite, like cats for example. So from now on I will call them "lower IQ distracted uncivilized people dominated by animal instincts".

idea2develop

 

[Yamato]

Pope Leaves Vatican In Helicopter - YouTube

That's it. He left.

[BREAKING NEWS] Pope Benedict XVI BOARDS farewell flight from Vatican | Pope LEAVES - YouTube

I was there, in Saint Peter Square, with a few thousands others, watching his helicopter fly away (to Castel Gandolfo, where he's retiring to) and hearing the bells.

 

[Yamato]

I am a better person. Today I will go swimming for the second time. Going to Saint Peter Square to see the pope and swimming and getting warned by trade2win for writing offensive posts have made me a better person.

I feel that I can now live in peace among the uncivilized and dishonest lower IQ people that I've been calling... so many names until now. The howling neighbors, and noisy neighbors in general, can more effectively be dealt with if I keep a rational approach and assess them as you would assess them in a lab setting.

But that's precisely what my room is: a lab where I study the animal that my roommate is.

 

[Yamato]

Discretionary trading update.

The GBL trade is still up there, at 145sh, despite today being a Friday, the most bullish day of the week for the stock indexes (and therefore short for bond futures).

So that's going very very badly for me, also because it'll expire next week, and the next contract is two points lower.

GBP and CAD, which were rising up to 24 hours ago, are now quite low, and I am losing money on both of them.

So, recapitulating, I am losing money on GBL, CAD, GBP, for a combined... 8000 dollars.

Good thing I had made 4000 dollars on that JPY trade which I closed very quickly. So now, on my discretionary trading I am down 4000 dollars.

But there's some good news from the remaining trades, ZW and ZC, which are still rising, where I am making a combined 2000 dollars.

So, for my discretionary trades I am down only 2000 dollars, after being very unlucky.

I said I'd close all my trades by today, but if I do so, at best I will break even. So I'll probably keep GBL, CAD and GBP open overnight, overweekend, and close the grains today.

In two hours I'll go swimming. Hopefully, by the time I get home, at about 1700, things will have changed for the better.

A lot of things can change in 5 hours.

...

You bet. Half an hour later, things are going even worse! Now I must be down about 3000 dollars on these discretionary trades of mine.

This is unbelievable. Right now there isn't one single market rising except for GBL and ZN, the two government bond futures or "fixed income derivatives", as they call GBL on the Eurex website. Everything else is falling, and today it's a Friday, the most bullish day of the week, when anything usually happens except for this situation. Definitely not lucky.

...

Nope, nothing. Not the metals, not the grains, not the currencies, not the energies... everything is falling at the same time. I feel awful. I am not losing that much yet, but I am feeling awful. All my diversification has been found to be useless, at least in this rare case.

At the same time, I notice that, whereas some things are indeed falling like crazy, such as CL and HG (copper), most other things aren't falling that much and in some cases are just still, like frozen - the best example is NG, which has been moving in a 25 ticks range for the past 13 hours. And also, GBL is rising all right, but not by that many ticks. Will they increase this gain/loss or will they turn around?

I hope they will all turn around, I fear they will end the day exactly like this, but I don't think, realistically, that things will get worse.

...

Ok, it's been over an hour since I created this post, and I'll look at the markets yet another time. Let's see.

Damn. They did get worse. GBL is even higher now. Losing probably 7000 dollars on it.

CAD is lower, I must be losing 1000 on that one.

GBP, I am probably losing 1000 on it, too.

Wheat and Corn are falling, too, but I am probably still 1000 dollars profitable on them combined.

Given that I've made that 4000 on JPY, I am now down 4000 dollars on my discretionary trades.

Don't I wish I never started them.

NQ is also falling, that is an ongoing trade by the systems.

Wow.

Very disappointed and depressed.

Yeah... you know what? At this point, I am not going to close any of the trades, unlike my initial plan. If anything, I'll even open a JPY long position. That is, if, when I get home, I still find it where it is now.

I don't even feel like swimming anymore.

I feel betrayed by the markets, almost like when a girlfriend leaves you. It's not fair. It is a Friday. They should be rising. GBL has been rising already too much. If it is still there when I get home, I'll have to go short another contract on it, at about 146. I'll have to close my ZW and ZC, which are profitable. Then I'll be left with 3 unprofitable trades: GBP, CAD and GBL. I could even close CAD and GBP, because they're not causing me much pain in terms of the amount I'd be losing by closing them. Furthermore, GBP is so crazy that it could fall another 1000 ticks, without ever taking any real breaks.

Unfortunately the howling neighbors just came back. Yeah, I think I'll go swimming. Just 50 more minutes to stay here.

 

[Yamato]

I am in deep trouble. Losing thousands and thousands on GBL. Now I am short 12 contracts on it.

I totally lost control of the situation. The markets have been plotting against me.

Everything else is fine. The only problem is my GBL position. The other positions are ok and profitable. But I am losing 8000 dollars on the GBL trade.

If it just lost 30 ticks... that's all I am asking for. If it lost 30 ticks, I would make... 400 dollars multiplied by 12, which is ... about 5000 dollars.

But it is really hurting my feelings instead, staying between 145.60 and 145.50 for the last 6 hours.

Just 3 more hours till the closing of the markets. Only a miracle can save me. My capital is now at 27k. From the 37k of less than a week ago.

I should have kept letting the systems trade in my place. I don't remember exactly why that changed... let's check.

 

[Yamato]

Nope, nothing doing. I went for a long walk, about an hour and a half, ate a kebab, went to saint peter square, ate a pizza, drank some apricot juice, came back... nothing doing. GBL is still in that evil range and I am still at 27k, losing 10k in less than a week, all on GBL basically. I am totally depressed. I don't know what got into me.

I should have kept letting the systems trade for me. When did I go stray? Let's check.

Here:
http://www.trade2win.com/boards/trading-journals/140032-my-journal-3-post2081166.html

Ok, let's see what I wrote.

All right, guys. I am bored. I will get back to discretionary trading, hopefully with a degree of safety to it.

I will now look not just at JPY but at all the 16 markets I am monitoring. Then I will post my latest discretionary analysis on the "index.html" file.

I am calm and I am just looking to make a few thousands with my discretionary trading, and I will plan it in advance and look for stoplossless situations.

Let's not forget that if I am at 33k and not 13k, it is because I added discretionary trading to my automated trading. Most of my profit so far has come from discretionary trading. So if I can keep calm, more profit should come from it.

And the week I took off calmed me down.

I will now look at them, after being away for over a week, and will write down immediately my first impression on a quick .txt file. Then I will edit my "index.html" and then I will post it here...

Hmm, just great. I simply decided to start trading again. I was calm and there had been no frustration making me do it. Well, here I am. I lost 10k.

No, wait. I had gone to 37k thanks to discretionary trading. So I am only losing... like... 6k.

I am going to close everything else and keep my GBL trades open. Let them liquidate what they will. I'll keep as many of them open as I can.

 

[Yamato]

The day is over, the week is over. The systems for the week have lost 400 dollars. I have lost, with my wonderful week, about... 7000 dollars. Nice. Congratulations. All of them on GBL.

Will I recover this money next week?

Hopefully.

I have opened a bet on JPY and doubled the one on GBP. Hopefully next week there will be a bounce on these markets, and I will recover 1000 on one and 1000 on the other, at the very least.

Then I am still down 5000 dollars.

If GBL falls just 100 ticks, which is due, after all the rising, having 7 contracts open, I will make 7000 euros, which is 10 thousand dollars.

With 12 thousand dollars I will not only recover these losses but go all the way to 39k.

Furthermore, JPY should rise much more than 80 ticks. Probably it will rise 200 ticks, which is 2500 dollars. Then I'll make another 1500 on GBP, easily, with 2 contracts. That's 4k on the currencies... by the end of next week I should be above 40k.

Or, if things go wrong once again, I might be at 20k.

I know it doesn't sound right, wise, or anything good. My rationality is gone. I am just clinging to my hopes.

 

[Yamato]

Today is a Saturday. For better or for worse, I have come all this way, and I am celebrating a combined 400,000 views on my 3 journals:



I have come a long way. I have gained a lot of capital. But I am still gambling, compulsively gambling I mean.

Barry Lyndon Original Soundtrack - YouTube

And I will end up like Barry Lyndon. I might end up like Barry Lyndon.

This is a hell I am living in. The nightmare of blowing out my account gets followed by other phases of boredom, then I get tempted to make some more money with risky and long-term unprofitable methods, overleveraging in case I am wrong... disaster ensues, rarely but always in the end.

This time I almost had done it... I had almost reached a level of stability and money-making. But I over-extended with these expenses:

1) restaurants at first
2) charity to people asking for money and huge tips to taxi drivers
3) paying my friend to keep me company
4) spending thousands in medical exams, almost unnecessarily
5) math classes
6) taking cabs to all these places

I must have spent like... 4000 dollars in one month, in all these things

This in turn urged me, on top of boredom, to trade a little more to compensate for these expenses, and here I am, losing 7000 dollars, despite the amazing initial profit on JPY.

 

[Yamato]

In some ways I am relaxed and in some ways I am deeply disturbed.

Let's analyze my mind.

How am I relaxed?

I have 3 positions, in GBP, JPY and GBL and:

1) GBP very likely to bounce
2) JPY very likely to bounce
3) GBL very likely to bounce (downward)

So, overall, what seems to be an account at 27k, which sucks, is actually an account that is likely to reach 32k at the very least.

But the real question is how did I get to as low as 27k?

That really bothers me.

That's the part that makes me depressed and worried. How did I fall so low?

JPY made money, lots of it. So did ZW and ZC, and yes GBP and CAD lost money, but only 1000, which cancelled the gain by ZW and ZC...

so how did all this money disappear from my account despite the big gain on JPY?

Simple, a huge loss on GBL: I was losing 6000 euros on it by Friday night.

That is equivalent to about 8000 dollars, which is exact, because it puts the account 4000 dollars lower, given the 4000 made on JPY.

How did I get to lose 8000 dollars on GBL?

I didn't lose them: the position on GBL is still open.

So, the big issue is not really JPY or GBP, which will most likely help me recover some of this loss, maybe 2000 or even 3000. The big issue, that's haunting me, is how am I losing 8000 dollars on GBL?

The problem with GBL is that it reached the staggering 145.60 and it's still staying there.

The other problem with my GBL position is that I reached that level with as many as 4 contracts. Going up with 4 contracts, for 100 ticks against you, means incurring a loss of... over 5000 dollars. I don't know how I lost the other 3000 dollars. Yeah, maybe I was short 5 contracts, and not just 4.

Anyway, now that I am short 7 contracts, what is going to happen?

How long more will it stay there? How much time, how many events do I need for it to fall?

What god do I need to pray to?

I don't know where... how much higher it can go from 145.60. The highest it ever reached is 146.

But the contract expires in 4 days, and the next contract is almost 200 ticks lower.

At any rate, if I roll over... and get lucky... how long will I be able to hold my position when I've been so scared?

Friday is the most bullish day of the week and it didn't seem to want to fall at all.

What will happen on Tuesday that is the most bearish (for stock indexes) day of the week?

Anyway.

If the gods listen to my prayers, GBL will fall.

And if it falls... given that I will have made 3000 by Tuesday with GBP and JPY, I will be back at 30k, which is reassuring.

At that point, GBL. If GBL falls a mere 100 ticks, to a still pretty high level of 144.55, I will make 7000 euros.

That is close to 10 thousand dollars, and I will finally reach the long-awaited goal of 40k, thereby decupling my account.

But will things go according to my plans? Will I allow GBL to fall, after being so scared for all last week?

Initially, I was planning for GBL to fall all the way to 143. If I did wait for that long, I would make 21 thousand dollars, and bring capital to 50k.

Do I have the balls, the patience, the confidence to wait until it reaches 143?

All I have to wait is 4 days, because at any rate I will have to roll over by Thursday. Actually by Wednesday night, because I will be at work on Thursday at noon:
Bund - Page 70

L'expiration du bund , mars13, expire, selon la réglementation de l'eurex, jeudi 7 mars à 12h30.
A 12h30 et 1 seconde, fini! Champagne.

I guess my big big mistake was picking the wrong contract. I should have picked the GBL of June 2013. And it would have been lower, I would have waited longer before entering, and I would not have felt in such a rush. Now I am kind of screwed and have to be happy with a fall of just 100 ticks. This rolling over and expiring is really the thing that is bothering me the most. Because I don't know where the hell the Bund is, whether at 146sh or at 144sh. That is a huge difference.

I wonder when the GBL will be rolled over by all these traders if it will be influenced in any direction by the rolling over, whether up or down. Hopefully down. Hopefully everyone was long on it, and it will make it fall more. I wonder. I hope.

Well, this wait on JPY, GBP and GBL won't take much longer.

Dude, this looks quite good and quite in my favor:



I could even very easily roll over, and hold it for as long as a fall of 200 ticks. It just looks very very good, and ripe for a fall. This is the weekly chart of the June contract by the way.

I think I will do this. I will close GBL as soon as I can reach 40k. Then I will wait to see if it rises a little bit, at which point, on the June contract, I will start going short again and repeat this whole process.

...

Here's what I'll do until Wednesday.

I have inserted some LMT orders, on all three positions.

I will stop monitoring things.

I have in place LMT exits that cause the following profit:

GBL, 9000 dollars
GBP, 2000 dollars
JPY, 2500 dollars

If all three get triggered, I reach about 40k of capital.

They should all be triggered by Wednesday. All I need to do now is run the systems, once a day, and not monitor anything otherwise.

Of course I will also have to disable all systems, or else a lack of margin will make IB close my positions.

Then, on Wednesday, I will roll over GBL, if there's anything still open. Hopefully GBP and JPY will be closed by then.

Wednesday night. Nothing to do until then except starting the systems once a day. Let's try to stick to this.

 

[Yamato]

Essential Intelligence: Austerity: stopping the Slush-funds

Quitting the Euro means hyper-Inflation, boosted by means of globalist Banksters bond manipulations, coupled with hyper-loans leading to Goldman-Sachs & Black-Rock buying out the country for a cent on the dollar, like they have recently started doing around Ireland. Beppe Grillo is a proxy thereof, doing their bidding for quitting the Eurozone, while expectedly pretending to be an opposition thereto - i.e. is controlled opposition. Grillo preaches not only to leave he Eurozone but also against Austerity, thus for rendering all the economic havoc potential loose.

 

[Yamato]

Does anyone know how to manage IB's account currency so to diversify among different currencies? It might have something to do with IdealPro, but I don't remember exactly how to do it.

So far I've only managed to have some euros, but they're from my GBL (German Bund) trades. I would like to ask you how to buy Euros, JPY, GBP.

 

[Yamato]

I would like to make some comments on IB fx:

1. you can just create a new page in TWS, or add to your list, the following symbols:

no need to even open the other software (FX trader)

2. pay attention to CHF, CAD, JPY because the pair is inverted. For example buying CAD futures is the same as selling USD.CAD.

3. you can buy/sell as low as 1 unit of each currency, but IB considers as "full lots" the following quantities:
GBP: 17K
EUR 20K
NZD 35K
all the other ones: 25K
I suggest to use these lots or multiples of them. If you don't, you risk to pay a lot more commissions, because in this case IB is free to satisfy your trade with multiple trades (example, you want to buy 5000, they sell you 1000+1000+1000+1000+1000 with 5x the commission)

4. the commission plan is not friendly. Basically you pay $0.50 for each "full lot", but with a minimum of $2.50. In the end, if you buy/sell 5 lots or more all is ok, but 5 lots is the same as one futures contract, so there goes the main advantage of FX (granularity)

5. beware of the second currency in the symbol: if you buy/sell USD.CAD, for example, your result will be in CAD. If you lose here, and maybe win with EUR.USD, your USD balance will grow but you will have a negative balance in CAD. They will charge you with interests for this negative balance, even if it is -100. You can always exchange all in your base currency, but this costs you a lot in commissions (exchanging 100 USD to cover -100 CAD will be subject to commission of minimum $2.50)

6. IB FX is definitely fair most of the time: not even the same thing as forex everywhere else; but, if you use stop losses during data releases, expect huge slippage, like 10 ticks, on a regular basis (no good system can overcome this). If you don't use stops at that time, no problem with that.

Could I use this for my diversification purposes? How exactly?

I am also working on this same problem, here on elitetrader.com:
Forums - Is there way to diversify among currencies on IB TWS?

Here's an image that's quite telling:

I also need to look into this and test this method:
http://www.interactivebrokers.com/e...toring/fx_portfolio_-_virtual_fx_position.htm

When you submit an FX order, TWS will attempt to identify whether you want an FX pair trade or a currency conversion, based on your positions and balances, and will ask you how you want the currency trade to be considered. If you elect “Currency Conversion,” TWS will create the order to reflect this objective...

I need to find out how to enable this choice of "currency conversion".

...

Bingo!

Solved the problem:







...

There is only one piece of bad news and it is the fact that they most likely charge you interest if you don't have the margin in USD:
http://www.elitetrader.com/vb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=260516

 

[Yamato]

Suddenly I woke up an hour and a half early, because... maybe because I was worried about my capital. This is not good.

I overextended my expenses, and I feel the need to make money. This is never good.

This keeps me from sleeping well, and it urges me to trade.

I have overextended myself and my expenses because I now spend more than I make with my salary at the bank. The two big expenses, given that hospitals exams are finished, are these:

1) swimming and cabs to it
2) math lessons and cabs to it

Swimming and cabs to it costs me about 300 euros per month.

Math lessons and cabs to it costs me about 500 euros per month.

I am overextended by about 500 euros per month. That's not a lot of money and I could make it with trading in one day, but now I feel the pressure to make it. And this keeps me from sleeping even.

If I could just forget about it, everything would be fine, but if, because of it, I can't sleep and I do compulsive gambling, then it is a big problem.

The consequence of waking up early and feeling this pressure is... guess what?



... that I placed a bunch of trades, half a dozen.

This might even be a good thing, because I hadn't traded for days and my mind was fresh. But in the long run, I will burn out and produce unprofitable trades.

I am back at about 33k, and I've withdrawn some money for the usual expenses: USB flash drive internet stick, and server rental.

Until I'll be at 40k, I won't feel secure and I'll keep having problems sleeping. Today the biggest thing for me is the usual GBL trade, where I've closed all the extra contracts I had opened for March, and am in the process of rolling over. But now if it falls all at once, I will be screwed and be left out of the move. The big mistake was not getting on the right contract to begin with. When I entered the trade there were only 2 weeks before expiration. Too short. One month would have been fine.

Ok, basically, to sleep well, which is what counts, I now need to reach 40k. Then, once again, I will let the systems trade all alone, and spend the entire day out, to keep from tampering.

So I now have 7k to go. Today at best I will make 4k. I guess I could do this by the end of the week.

...

Actually with the excellent trades I managed to place, I should take the rest of the week off and not even look at these trades until next Friday night, when I should close them.

 

[Yamato]

I am in deep trouble with those trades I started this morning and that looked so good. Losing thousands.

 

[Yamato]

I produced even more sleeplessness by waking up early due to financial concerns. "Scared money never made any money", as they say. 1) I need to make money because i overextended my expenses, 2) I woke up in the middle of the night and tried to make that money I needed, 3) I produced losses that will produce even more sleeplessness.

But it all began with mere boredom I think, and some greed. Scared money never made any money. Doesn't make much sense, because it could be just the opposite.

At any rate, losing 5000 dollars for the day.

 

[Yamato]

Still losing thousands, only four thousands, but at least tonight I slept well. I just woke up, and started the systems.
No point in describing the feelings and anxieties I have been describing for years. It's all written down here already. In brief, I am two people: when I am trading automated, I feel bored and I feel the urge to add money with discretionary, so I seek change. When I am trading discretionary, I feel anxious, I risk blowing out the account, I don't sleep at night... and again, I seek change.

One person / state of mind doesn't remember the other state of mind, and I am caught in this endless chain of changing behaviors / courses of action, and blowing out of accounts.