If i want to fall asleep I'm gonna have to write a lot more than that.
I took 3 types of pills for sleeping but i know it won't be enough.
As I type and lean toward the computer, laptop, small form whatever it's called, my back in arched. However you describe it. I need swimming. I need to quit the job, I need sleeping, I need nature... I need to live by the sea.
I don't know how long more I can wait. Each morning I mumble "how long more...?". I am always asking myself, unconsciously... I find myself saying "how long more..." of this **** I have to take before I can retire. City of Rome, people of rome, people around me... employers... all that.
How long more does a good person like me have to put up with evil people. I thought the world owed me and was going to give me... the world or god... someone was going to give me what I deserved. Power, happiness... control over people or at least ability to keep evil people away from me. Control over space. A nice island for myself or at least a bay in that island.
Yet none of this has happened, and it doesn't seem approaching either, and each day I am more tired.
I was always raised to want more and more and never found a woman who was good enough to settle with, and now I feel that only with a lot of money... actually i've always felt this, that only with a lot of money I'll be able to get that woman, whether modest or model, whoever she is - i will only be able to have her when I'll have everything under control through money. By everything it would be enough to not have to work and have some money to spend, even just a regular wage - but without having to work. That is quite different.
My dad, he's happy that i am a miserable employee. He told me all my life I was a failure, and ensured I'd fail, by killing my confidence, and now he can say or at least think he was right in his prediction. Yet, this is quite crazy, because I was the top student in my class, and by how much he nagged me, ever since I was a child, he managed to make me quit going to school and flunking two years.
No wonder I have a lot of resentment and even though I don't hear much criticism today from him (only because I give him no chances to say anything practically), I expect to apologize, yet he doesn't do it.
More than that: I expect him to pay for what he did in real money: if he says he's concerned about me, the *******, why doesn't he simply tell me: here's 100k, go to that house, and get your deserved rest.
No. Never encouraged to me to do anything like that. From the start he was one of those parents who had a hard life and want to make sure their children - who could have an easier life - have a life as hard as theirs, if not financially, at least emotionally. So he made sure I could not be serene and easygoing, by constantly attacking me verbally - incessant criticism about everything. Never a good word. I owe all my failures to him alone. And now I at least expect to first of all not bother me anymore by lecturing me about his pessimistic view on life and the entire universe. Typically called "punching bag", using me and my mom to vent out his frustrations. Never ending frustrations.
He called a parasite on a daily basis since I was a child and why? Because I was not maybe the top but the second student in my class? Ridiculous. You can't make your son feel like unworthy of love and approval because he is not the first student - let alone that when I was the top student in some of the subjects he never showed any appreciation.
These may seem like small matters to others, but I am only child, and they left a lasting impression on me. Permanently insecure, because of how I was brought up.
And now all I ask is for some money. I guess it's illegal to ask the readers for money, but in case any of the readers want to give me some of the money that my father doesn't give me, then go right ahead.
Some more important facts need to be stated here.
He always gave me all the education - no gifts, no praises, but money spent on my education. Courses everywhere, studying abroad. But that's not a complete father. You can't just say: I do my duty because I invest on your education and so I can treat you like garbage. Whenever we had an argument on anything, it always ended with him threatening me of kicking me out. I am not saying now, because of course most people would agree with him: I am talking since i was a goddamn child. You can't terrorize your child with threats of kicking him out at every discussion there is.
Another fact to state is that - since i was too insecure to apply for any job - he got me every single job I worked at. I never went to a real interview, where I didn't know if they were going to hire me or not. In a sense, I waited for him to offer me the job, as if saying: hey, you say that i am good for nothing, so what job am I expected to get? I'd go to the employer and say "don't hire me". Actually at my first job, and fake interview, they asked me what I wanted to do and I replied "put where i'll do the least damage". Actually I am a very hard worker, but I can't help being insecure, after being told since i was a child how much I suck.
I don't know. I want some refund from him and from life, but mostly from him. Reimbursement what is it called... reparation, indemnification, compensation, amends... that's the idea:
http://thesaurus.com/browse/reimbursement
He created a family so he could be admired from his family, and we did that part. And then he also expected to use us as punching bags, and that's when the rebellion started. But it didn't really do much - simply self-defeating rebellion, because i was too weakened by his overwhelming personality.
Yeah, he's a big man, successful guy. I guess that's what happens when you act arrogantly in life: you reach success. You scare everyone away and get what you want, by abuse. He felt his life was bad - his dad had died when he was young, and took it out on the world, and his family. Became successful as a consequence.
Now everyone says he's great, no matter what he does - he's the supreme justice. He's always right, according to himself and according to others, who do not dare contradict him.
Yeah, I know, brettus and others say that you cannot let a person influence your life like this, but that's bull****. There's cases when this happens, and it's useless to deny it. It happens in a large percentage of cases, maybe half of people feel like me, but then they don't talk about it. Or let's say it just happens to 10% of people. That's still a lot of people.
According to some people, even relatives, I don't have the right to blame my dad and it's time to move on, actually according to almost everyone I talk to. So I guess I am the only one feeling like this, am I?
Well, that doesn't stop me from thinking I am right, because maybe I've had it worse, for one reason or the other, than all those who are saying "enough complaining already". Even if I've had it worse only because i am spoiled, or because I am more sensitive... if I for some reason feel I've been treated badly, the feeling is there, and I can't just pretend it isn't there.
I want some refund. I want this: no more putting up with rude, impolite, aggressive, disrespectful people in my life. I want to live where I decide, and no one must bother me ever again. I don't want to have to deal with more people like my father. Negative mean people.
Now someone please make this happen. I want to be by myself, and enjoy nature and silence. My father could enable me to do that, but he just doesn't give a ****. I figure he suffered a lot in life and he feels that he must cause others around him to suffer. Unless someone earns things by breaking his back for them, he won't help them. He told me this repeatedly. He made it impossible for me to be good enough to deserve his praise. So I quit trying.
Maybe let's just pretend he's dead. I guess that's the only thing to do. Talking to this guy is impossible. I've stopped trying years ago. I should really pretend he's dead.
The funny thing is that relatives and so on tell me how much he loves me and appreciates me, and how he says very nice things about me and how intelligent I am. So should I be happy about this? It proves he is a sick *******. Why didn't he ever tell me? It would have made a lot of difference. Is acting mean just a façade? Hey, what is the difference? What good is it to treat people like **** and then say nice things behind their back? Then I will kill him, and say - hey, I loved him, too. Never mind my actions, it's just a façade, because I actually love him. I killed him because i wanted the best for him.
Still not enough to sleep.
I just want to quit my job and my family should take care of me everafter. Ok, maybe I am spoiled, but I don't feel like that at all. I feel abused.
Maybe all people who get abused, become spoiled as a demand for a refund. They do it as a reaction, because they say: hey, life has been unfair to me, and i want life to be nicer now. So yes, I am asking something unusual, but yes, that is exactly what I am asking. I am asking for my parents to support me. I didn't ask them, but I am expecting them to ask me "can we do something?" and then I'd reply "yes, i want to quit my job and want you to support me". But that's not going to happen, so I am here bitching about them.
Still unable to sleep because work frustrates me, and because I am so intolerant and frustrated and paranoid that if the bitchy neighbour smiles, I think she's making fun of me. If she doesn't say hi, I'd think she's a bitch. Now my new colleague says "he adores me" or something like that, and talks to me all day, and I am not happy - he makes me nervous because he distracts me and keeps me from working. Another colleague doesn't talk to me nor looks at me, and I feel he's a cold asshole. No one is good enough... I've got to run away from people and find some peace, but we only have 20 days of vacation per year and I finished them already.
We'll see if I'll do something unexpected like a killing spree, like my buddy travis bickle. My prediction is that I'll keep on putting up with all this **** for at least another 6 months, without flinching. Maybe I'll skip my work more often, that's all. Like today. Honestly due to insomnia, which is like being sick. I just turned off my alarm like yesterday.
Ok, I am definitely falling asleep, right now. I hope that goddamn ****er won't wake me up tomorrow at 7 by slamming the door. Why can't this guy just die? I wish him a quick immediate death. Hopefully those two idiots will get into some car accident this summer.
