Best Thread Joke of the day
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Gumping
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Aussie bloke is in Japan on business. The night before a golf round with his Japanese business partner, he decides to go to a brothel. While on the job, the girl screams
"Sung wa! Sung wa!" He thinks this means "Very good!Very good!"
Next day, while playing golf, his Japanese partner sinks a brilliant long putt.
Wanting to impress him, the Aussie shouts "Sung wa! Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turns and says "What do you mean..f*cking wrong hole?"..
"Sung wa! Sung wa!" He thinks this means "Very good!Very good!"
Next day, while playing golf, his Japanese partner sinks a brilliant long putt.
Wanting to impress him, the Aussie shouts "Sung wa! Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turns and says "What do you mean..f*cking wrong hole?"..
Gumping
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A skinhead gets on a bus and sees this gorgeous-looking nun. He sits there ogling her. She gets off a few stops later, and he sits, still thinking about how great it would be to **** her. When he goes to get off, the driver says to him, 'That nun's fit isn't she?'
The skinhead agreed, and the driver carries on, 'You know, she sits in the graveyard at midnight some evenings waiting for the Holy Spirit to impregnate her. If I wasn't a married man, I'd be tempted to to try and give her one.'
Later that evening, the skinhead goes to the graveyard with a sheet over his head, and sure enough, the nun is there, praying. He goes up to the nun and announces himself, 'I am the Holy Spirit. Ask anything of me, and it shall be granted.'
'Oh Holy Spirit, I seek nothing but to be impreganted by your glorious light!'
'Rise, my child.' he responds, and turning her round, bends her over a gravestone. He proceeds to give her one up the dirtbox, taking his phone out and filming it, recording her yelps etc. He then proceeds to jizz all over her and her habit, and then when he's done he pulls the sheet off of his head and proclaims 'HAHAHAAAA!!!
Skinhead!!'
The nun then removes her habit and replies, 'HAHAHAAAAAA!!! Bus driver!!!' :!:
The skinhead agreed, and the driver carries on, 'You know, she sits in the graveyard at midnight some evenings waiting for the Holy Spirit to impregnate her. If I wasn't a married man, I'd be tempted to to try and give her one.'
Later that evening, the skinhead goes to the graveyard with a sheet over his head, and sure enough, the nun is there, praying. He goes up to the nun and announces himself, 'I am the Holy Spirit. Ask anything of me, and it shall be granted.'
'Oh Holy Spirit, I seek nothing but to be impreganted by your glorious light!'
'Rise, my child.' he responds, and turning her round, bends her over a gravestone. He proceeds to give her one up the dirtbox, taking his phone out and filming it, recording her yelps etc. He then proceeds to jizz all over her and her habit, and then when he's done he pulls the sheet off of his head and proclaims 'HAHAHAAAA!!!
Skinhead!!'The nun then removes her habit and replies, 'HAHAHAAAAAA!!!
Bus driver!!!' :!:
Gumping
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A woman goes into the supermarket and buys a courgette, a carrot, an apple and a sandwich. The assistant at the checkout looks up at her and says 'you're single, aren't you?' She replies,
'Yes - could you tell that from my shopping?'. He replies,
'No - you're ****ing ugly!'
'Yes - could you tell that from my shopping?'. He replies,
'No - you're ****ing ugly!'
Gumping
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An officer in the Foreign Legion goes out to the desert to take up a command. He's being shown around the camp, introduced to staff and shown the amenities etc. when he spots a camel.
'What's that for?' He asks.
'Well sir, that's for when the men get horny' his subordinate replies.
Thinking not to probe any further, the officer asks to continue with the tour.
A few months later, and the officer is randy as ****. He hasn't had a sh*g in ages, and the camel is actually beginning to look like quite an attractive proposition. He reminds himself that he is an officer in the Foreign Legion and that his urges are unimportant, and that he is better than to give in.
Time passes.....
Eventually he is just too horny, and so he goes into the room where the camel is kept and orders a step ladder. He climbs up behind the camel, drops his trousers and proceeds to pump the camel for all he is worth. He furiously humps it, screaming orders for his subordinates to hold the camel in place. This continues until he's satisfied and has dropped his load. Exhausted he climbs down the stepladder, his shirt stuck to him owing to all the sweat from his exertions. He does his trousers up, and starts to peel his shirt from off his chest.
'Is that how the men do it?' He asksk his subordinate.
'No sir,' the soldier replies
'They ride it to the brothel in town.'
:clap:
'What's that for?' He asks.
'Well sir, that's for when the men get horny' his subordinate replies.
Thinking not to probe any further, the officer asks to continue with the tour.
A few months later, and the officer is randy as ****. He hasn't had a sh*g in ages, and the camel is actually beginning to look like quite an attractive proposition. He reminds himself that he is an officer in the Foreign Legion and that his urges are unimportant, and that he is better than to give in.
Time passes.....
Eventually he is just too horny, and so he goes into the room where the camel is kept and orders a step ladder. He climbs up behind the camel, drops his trousers and proceeds to pump the camel for all he is worth. He furiously humps it, screaming orders for his subordinates to hold the camel in place. This continues until he's satisfied and has dropped his load. Exhausted he climbs down the stepladder, his shirt stuck to him owing to all the sweat from his exertions. He does his trousers up, and starts to peel his shirt from off his chest.
'Is that how the men do it?' He asksk his subordinate.
'No sir,' the soldier replies
'They ride it to the brothel in town.'
:clap:
Atilla
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HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB
Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks - Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them - Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order - Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping - Put them in reception.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - Put them in information technology (This is me).
If they are sitting idle - Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved - Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day - Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window - Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved - Congratulate them and put them in Top Management
Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks - Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them - Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks - Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order - Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other - Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping - Put them in reception.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces - Put them in information technology (This is me).
If they are sitting idle - Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved - Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day - Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window - Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved - Congratulate them and put them in Top Management
Paddy's in the pub telling his mates about joining the army, and his first parachute jump. Paddy describes "We were about 30,000 feet up, then one by one they started to jump. When it was my turn I couldn't jump-NO WAY!!, then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch c*ck and cried "Paddy, if you don't jump, I'll stick this baby right up your a*se!". Paddy's mate asked, " Well, did you jump?" Paddy replied "Just a little, when it first went in!"..
A woman has been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f*nny on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "Just how far were you across the f*cking field before you noticed?"
Gumping
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Jordan goes to the doctor for a medical check-up. Everything is going fine, but he expresses some concern about her breast implants. 'To be sure everything is OK, I'll have to weigh them' he says.
'How do we do that?' she asks, and he responds by grabbing her boobs in both hands and shouting 'WEHEEEEY!!!!!!'
'How do we do that?' she asks, and he responds by grabbing her boobs in both hands and shouting 'WEHEEEEY!!!!!!'
Yes, I thought it was funny when I posted it last Friday!
Whoops, sorry! Wouldn't be the first joke I've nicked...
chilltrader
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Current market sentiment summed up by one Fund Manager
"This market is worse than a divorce as I have lost more than half my net worth - and still have my wife"
"This market is worse than a divorce as I have lost more than half my net worth - and still have my wife"
