Gumping
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Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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nine
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A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo.
'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows … this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo.
'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows … this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog!'
Gumping
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And the Italian league isn't?
Certainly not.
Tottenham would be bottom of the Italian League too.
And the Spanish league, and the German League, and the French League and I would go as far as to say that they would probably get relegated from the Kazakhstan league too.
They seem to have a simple philosophy that you do not need any goal-scoring strikers.
Whoever thought that one up, be it Levy, Ramos etc.., is indeed a simpleton.
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog".
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at the dog".
An Italian applies for a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Are you short of brain?"
"Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian again stares into space for a few moments, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga cumma along anda crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred So, when amma I gonna start?"
"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Are you short of brain?"
"Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian again stares into space for a few moments, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga cumma along anda crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred So, when amma I gonna start?"
Adamus
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*_Royal Wedding night_*
On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by
all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any
shoes.
Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes
from her own wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities
were over, her feet were in agony. That night when she and Charles
withdrew to their room the first thing Camilla wanted to do was to take
her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they heard roughly what they expected - grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'
'There' whispered The Queen. 'I told you, with a face like that she HAD
to be a virgin!'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles
said: 'My God. That was even tighter!".
'That's my boy' said the Duke of Edinburgh. 'Once a sailor, always a
sailor!"
On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by
all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any
shoes.
Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes
from her own wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small, and by the time the festivities
were over, her feet were in agony. That night when she and Charles
withdrew to their room the first thing Camilla wanted to do was to take
her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they heard roughly what they expected - grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Charles say 'God, that was tight.'
'There' whispered The Queen. 'I told you, with a face like that she HAD
to be a virgin!'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles
said: 'My God. That was even tighter!".
'That's my boy' said the Duke of Edinburgh. 'Once a sailor, always a
sailor!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..."
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator ..."
A crusty old man walks into the Credit Union and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Credit Union."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn Credit Union."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Credit Union."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn Credit Union."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this b1tch giving you a hard time?"
hwsteele
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Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
westernforce
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Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Porsche!
Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night
The definition of a bank manager: A person who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and then ask for it back when it starts to rain
99 percent of bankers give the rest a bad name.
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Porsche!
Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night
The definition of a bank manager: A person who will lend you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and then ask for it back when it starts to rain
99 percent of bankers give the rest a bad name.
David Blaine is apparently gutted at the minute. He has discovered his 44 day record of doing **** all in a box has been smashed by Darren Bent.
What has the Spurs goalkeeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Haringey council have blocked Tottenhams plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A Town Hall source said: "We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus there every fortnight is a bit to much."
How do you know Tottenham Hotspur are losing?
It's five past three on a Saturday.
All trains to White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a major points failure.
Juande Ramos has been told by the Tottenham board that his job is safe.
They also told him that the earth is flat, Santa Claus is real and Red Rum is going to win the Grand National again.
What has the Spurs goalkeeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Haringey council have blocked Tottenhams plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A Town Hall source said: "We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus there every fortnight is a bit to much."
How do you know Tottenham Hotspur are losing?
It's five past three on a Saturday.
All trains to White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a major points failure.
Juande Ramos has been told by the Tottenham board that his job is safe.
They also told him that the earth is flat, Santa Claus is real and Red Rum is going to win the Grand National again.
