Best Thread Joke of the day

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
 
winner4x said:
A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Click to expand...


Lol, very good
 
Image.aspx
 
Called a plumber out the other day, he was chinese.
Called a builder, he was also chinese.
Called an electrician out, he was chinese as well!
Bloody yellow pages.
 
Anoraksia

A serious trainspotter Anorak bought two tickets for the £150 per seat one-off "Heritage steam train Special". As he settled into his seat by the window, a fellow enthusiast asked if anyone was sitting in the seat opposite him.
'No', he replied, 'the seat is empty.'
'Really! Who in their right mind would buy a £150 ticket and not use it?'
'Well, actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was meant to be here, but she passed away.'
'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that... couldn't you have found someone else, such as a friend or relative to take the seat?'
'No, they're all at the funeral,' he replied.
 
Oh for the golden oldie days, but........
 

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Atilla said:
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2014/08/...london-causing-extremist-jihadi-mobilisation/
Click to expand...

funny stories, here is one +

Nigel Coggins, a 52-year-old office worker from Rainham, has told of his turmoil at trying to deal with the fact that he managed to live out his childhood years and survive the ‘dirty decade’ completely unfiddled-with by hands other than his own.

‘I was a normal kid just like any other. I walked to school alone from age five, I played out for hours on end until it got dark and went on many adventures with my friends. And not once did I encounter a sexual predator. I look back now and wonder how the hell I did it,’ said the father-of-two in disbelief.

Coggins added that things have now got to the point though where he is starting to question his own memories. ‘Like the time I was 15 and knocked for my friend Pete and was greeted by his mum in her nightie. Her flowing red hair was just covering the pale skin of her shoulders and the silhouette of her pert breasts was partially visible through the chiffon veil. She asked if I wanted to come in and wait while Pete finished his bath. As I sat nervously in their living room, she quite casually asked if I’d already started ‘pleasuring myself’ yet. I said no, I always sit like this, before blurting out ‘Can I feel your tits?’

He continued: ‘This is constantly played against the memory of knocking at the door of Tracey Best, a popular local woman who had many male friends, but was swiftly told “F*ck off you four-eyed little pervert or I’ll call the police again!”.’

One expert has described Coggins’s dilemma as extremely rare. ‘A middle-aged man concocting scenarios in which, as a young man, he’s the subject of advances from a more sexually experienced woman? This is unheard of,’ he remarked

Coggins’s constant battle with his conscience has recently seen him placed in psychiatric care at a top London hospital where he said he is trying hard to forget whatever it is that actually happened or didn’t happen ‘back then’. He added that regular bed baths from a bevy of buxom nurses in tight-fitting uniforms are helping him no end towards his recovery.

Nigel is expecting aliens from the planet Zog any time now !
 
Pat494 said:
funny stories, here is one +

Nigel Coggins, a 52-year-old office worker from Rainham, has told of his turmoil at trying to deal with the fact that he managed to live out his childhood years and survive the ‘dirty decade’ completely unfiddled-with by hands other than his own.

‘I was a normal kid just like any other. I walked to school alone from age five, I played out for hours on end until it got dark and went on many adventures with my friends. And not once did I encounter a sexual predator. I look back now and wonder how the hell I did it,’ said the father-of-two in disbelief.

Coggins added that things have now got to the point though where he is starting to question his own memories. ‘Like the time I was 15 and knocked for my friend Pete and was greeted by his mum in her nightie. Her flowing red hair was just covering the pale skin of her shoulders and the silhouette of her pert breasts was partially visible through the chiffon veil. She asked if I wanted to come in and wait while Pete finished his bath. As I sat nervously in their living room, she quite casually asked if I’d already started ‘pleasuring myself’ yet. I said no, I always sit like this, before blurting out ‘Can I feel your tits?’

He continued: ‘This is constantly played against the memory of knocking at the door of Tracey Best, a popular local woman who had many male friends, but was swiftly told “F*ck off you four-eyed little pervert or I’ll call the police again!”.’

One expert has described Coggins’s dilemma as extremely rare. ‘A middle-aged man concocting scenarios in which, as a young man, he’s the subject of advances from a more sexually experienced woman? This is unheard of,’ he remarked

Coggins’s constant battle with his conscience has recently seen him placed in psychiatric care at a top London hospital where he said he is trying hard to forget whatever it is that actually happened or didn’t happen ‘back then’. He added that regular bed baths from a bevy of buxom nurses in tight-fitting uniforms are helping him no end towards his recovery.

Nigel is expecting aliens from the planet Zog any time now !
Click to expand...




NewsBiscuit was launched by John O’Farrell in September 2006 with the noble aims of eradicating global poverty, creating a lasting peace in the Middle East and providing a daily dose of humour to bored people at work.

We love John O'Farrell and have a number of his books too. Great read, fantastic humour.

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/about/

Finally, if you are a hedge-fund manager or Lord Ashcroft and want to bankroll NewsBiscuit, or simply a kind-hearted person with a soft spot for topical silliness, then you can support NewsBiscuit in a variety of ways, including just spreading the word to your friends. Have a look here for some ideas, or if you have more questions about the site, please click here for our FAQs. And if anyone does have any tips on eradicating poverty or ending ethnic conflict, we’d be delighted to hear those too – to be honest, we’re not doing so well on that.


For anyone interested read newsbiscuit first then read the real headlines. So much sick twisted news everywhere it's nice to have another perspective.

:)
 
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