Who's on first Wot's on second Who's on second no Wots on second Who's on first
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LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' names on the team
so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays
very peculiar names.
LOU: Funny names?
BUD: Nicknames, pet names. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first,
What's on second, I Don't Know is on third---
LOU: That's what I want to find out; I want you to tell me the names of the fellows
on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then, who's playin' first?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you---I'm telling you: Who is on first.
LOU: I'm asking you---who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman!
BUD: Who is on first!
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly!
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely!
LOU: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it! And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all, the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out!
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody!
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How did I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?!
BUD: Well, what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on third base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go, back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Will you please stay on third base?
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know?
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second!
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: Third base!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field?
BUD: Who's playing first!
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't mention any names out here!
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second!
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know!
BUD & LOU: Third base!
BUD: Now take it easy, take it easy, man.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because!
BUD: Oh, he's center field.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I dunno. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?!
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on---
LOU: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: Third base!!
LOU: You gotta catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team, that's all.
BUD: Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?
LOU: Gotta catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: I'm a good catcher too you know.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the
team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball---
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball---me being a good catcher---I want to throw the guy
out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: Is to throw it to first base?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally!
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't! You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally!
BUD: Well, that's it. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said!
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes!
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No! You throw the ball to first base---
LOU: Then who gets it?!
BUD: Naturally!
LOU: That's what I'm saying!
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally!
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally!
BUD: Naturally. Well, say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
LOU: I throw the ball to first base---
BUD: Then Who gets it!
LOU: HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know.
I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow---a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know.
He's on third, and I don't care!
BUD: What was that?
LOU: I said, I DON'T CARE!
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
For the younger members amongst us
C V
so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays
very peculiar names.
LOU: Funny names?
BUD: Nicknames, pet names. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first,
What's on second, I Don't Know is on third---
LOU: That's what I want to find out; I want you to tell me the names of the fellows
on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then, who's playin' first?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you---I'm telling you: Who is on first.
LOU: I'm asking you---who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman!
BUD: Who is on first!
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly!
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely!
LOU: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it! And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all, the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out!
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody!
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How did I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?!
BUD: Well, what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on third base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go, back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Will you please stay on third base?
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know?
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second!
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: Third base!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Then tell me who's playing left field?
BUD: Who's playing first!
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't mention any names out here!
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second!
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know!
BUD & LOU: Third base!
BUD: Now take it easy, take it easy, man.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because!
BUD: Oh, he's center field.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I dunno. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?!
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on---
LOU: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: Third base!!
LOU: You gotta catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team, that's all.
BUD: Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?
LOU: Gotta catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: I'm a good catcher too you know.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the
team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball---
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball---me being a good catcher---I want to throw the guy
out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: Is to throw it to first base?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally!
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't! You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally!
BUD: Well, that's it. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said!
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes!
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No! You throw the ball to first base---
LOU: Then who gets it?!
BUD: Naturally!
LOU: That's what I'm saying!
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally!
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally!
BUD: Naturally. Well, say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
LOU: I throw the ball to first base---
BUD: Then Who gets it!
LOU: HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know.
I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow---a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know.
He's on third, and I don't care!
BUD: What was that?
LOU: I said, I DON'T CARE!
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
For the younger members amongst us
C V
Star Wars (It's just a flesh wound!)
So, I guess it goes something like this?
ARTHUR:
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.
ARTHUR:
What?
BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.
ARTHUR:
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Then you shall die.
ARTHUR:
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT:
I move for no man.
ARTHUR:
So be it!
ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT:
Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR:
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT:
'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR:
A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT:
No, it isn't.
ARTHUR:
Well, what's that, then?
BLACK KNIGHT:
I've had worse.
ARTHUR:
You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT:
Come on, you pansy!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clang]
Hiyaah!
[clang]
Aaaaaaaah!
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR:
Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
BLACK KNIGHT:
Hah!
[kick]
Come on, then.
ARTHUR:
What?
BLACK KNIGHT:
Have at you!
[kick]
ARTHUR:
Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR:
Look, you stupid *******. You've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Yes, I have.
ARTHUR:
Look!
BLACK KNIGHT:
Just a flesh wound.
[kick]
ARTHUR:
Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Chicken!
[kick]
Chickennn!
ARTHUR:
Look, I'll have your leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT:
Right. I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR:
You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT:
Come here!
ARTHUR:
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT:
I'm invincible!
ARTHUR:
You're a looney.
BLACK KNIGHT:
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR:
Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow *******s! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
***********************************************************************************************
There used to be a guy on the old ADVFN boards - he's probably still there - I think his handle was Greystone, who wrote a weekly column about what was going on on the ADVFN boards for peeps who'd neither the time or (maybe) the inclination to follow the ins and the outs of the various goings on the boards. Maybe, it's time for someone to take up a similar independent role here?
Just my two penny worth?
Cheers
Mayfly
So, I guess it goes something like this?
ARTHUR:
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.
ARTHUR:
What?
BLACK KNIGHT:
None shall pass.
ARTHUR:
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Then you shall die.
ARTHUR:
I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT:
I move for no man.
ARTHUR:
So be it!
ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT:
Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
ARTHUR:
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT:
'Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR:
A scratch? Your arm's off!
BLACK KNIGHT:
No, it isn't.
ARTHUR:
Well, what's that, then?
BLACK KNIGHT:
I've had worse.
ARTHUR:
You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT:
Come on, you pansy!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clang]
Hiyaah!
[clang]
Aaaaaaaah!
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
ARTHUR:
Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
BLACK KNIGHT:
Hah!
[kick]
Come on, then.
ARTHUR:
What?
BLACK KNIGHT:
Have at you!
[kick]
ARTHUR:
Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR:
Look, you stupid *******. You've got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Yes, I have.
ARTHUR:
Look!
BLACK KNIGHT:
Just a flesh wound.
[kick]
ARTHUR:
Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Chicken!
[kick]
Chickennn!
ARTHUR:
Look, I'll have your leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT:
Right. I'll do you for that!
ARTHUR:
You'll what?
BLACK KNIGHT:
Come here!
ARTHUR:
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT:
I'm invincible!
ARTHUR:
You're a looney.
BLACK KNIGHT:
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR:
Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT:
Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow *******s! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
***********************************************************************************************
There used to be a guy on the old ADVFN boards - he's probably still there - I think his handle was Greystone, who wrote a weekly column about what was going on on the ADVFN boards for peeps who'd neither the time or (maybe) the inclination to follow the ins and the outs of the various goings on the boards. Maybe, it's time for someone to take up a similar independent role here?
Just my two penny worth?
Cheers
Mayfly
counter_violent
Legendary member
- Messages
- 12,672
- Likes
- 3,787
One Leg Too Few
Peter Cook
The scene is a theatrical producer's office
Peter:Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg
Peter:Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley:Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter:Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley:Right.
Peter:Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley:You noticed that?
Peter:I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley:Correct.
Peter:And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley:Right.
Peter:A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley:Very true.
Peter:Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley:Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter:Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley:The leg division?
Peter:Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley:You mean it's inadequate?
Peter:Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley:I see.
Peter:However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.
Dudley:So there's still a chance?
Peter:There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley:Well... thank you very much.
Peter:So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.
He shows Dudley out
Peter:I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott.
Peter Cook
The scene is a theatrical producer's office
Peter:Miss Rigby! Stella, my love! Would you please send in the next auditioner, please. Mr. Spigott, I believe it is.
Enter Dudley, hopping energetically on one leg
Peter:Mr. Spigott, I believe?
Dudley:Yes — Spigott by name, Spigott by nature. (keeps hopping)
Peter:Yes... if you'd like to remain motionless for a moment, Mr. Spigott. Please be stood. Now, Mr. Spigott you are, I believe, auditioning for the part of Tarzan?
Dudley:Right.
Peter:Now, Mr. Spigott, I couldn't help noticing almost at once that you are a one-legged person.
Dudley:You noticed that?
Peter:I noticed that, Mr. Spigott. When you have been in the business as long as I have you come to notice these things almost instinctively. Now, Mr. Spigott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan — a role which, traditionally, involves the use of a two-legged actor.
Dudley:Correct.
Peter:And yet you, a unidexter, are applying for the role.
Dudley:Right.
Peter:A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement.
Dudley:Very true.
Peter:Well, Mr. Spigott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Dudley:Yes, I think you ought to.
Peter:Need I say with overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
Dudley:The leg division?
Peter:Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you. You fall down on your left.
Dudley:You mean it's inadequate?
Peter:Yes, it's inadequate, Mr. Spigott. And, to my mind, the British public is not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape-man swinging through the jungly tendrils.
Dudley:I see.
Peter:However, don't despair. After all, you score over a man with no legs at all. Should a legless man come in here demanding the role, I should have no hesitation in saying ‘Get out. Run away’.
Dudley:So there's still a chance?
Peter:There is still a very good chance. If we get no two-legged actors in here within the next two months, there is still a very good chance that you'll land this vital role. Failing two-legged actors, you, a unidexter, are just the sort of person we shall be attempting to contact telephonically.
Dudley:Well... thank you very much.
Peter:So my advice is, to hop on a bus, go home, and sit by your telephone in the hope that we will be getting in touch with you.
He shows Dudley out
Peter:I'm sorry I can't be more definite, but as you realise, it's really a two-legged man we're after. Good morning Mr. Spigott.
