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The following is an essay written by a High School sophomore in Freyburg,
Maine, as the essay part of the final exam in his English class. His teacher
posted it as an example of the uprightness of modern youth.
The Most Important Thing I Learned in School This Year
By BILLY WILSON
The most important lesson I learned this year in school is to pay attention
in class and not to doodle while the teacher is talking. The worst thing you
can do is draw a picture that shows President Bush's head on a pole with
blood gushing out of his bulging eyesballs. If you do something like this,
it means you're probably going to blow up the Oklahoma Book Depsitory, or
fly remote conrtrol planes into the White House, like the CIA did on 9/11.
Even if you're only 15 like me, you can hijack a bus (like Sandra Bullock
did in that cool movie, Speed), and drive it into the Bush ranch at Waco,
and burn all the children to death.
I learned that drawing pictures of the President with his arms growing out
of his head is no laughing matter. It's bad to make the President look
stupider than he already is. You can't draw him writing memos on wide-ruled
paper with a crayon, or dressed up like a cowboy and playing with toy
pistols in the Awful Office. That type of humor isn't funny. You can't make
him look like Alfred E. Newman from Mad Magazine, with blood gushing out of
his ears.
It is OK to draw a picture of Saddam Hussein on all fours, with Condolisa
Rice in a furry African bikini and rings around her neck, holding the
evildooer on a leash, and Donald Rumsfeld whacking him on the behind and
making him bark like a dog, because that's just a frat prank (like the sexy
girl soldier Lindy English did at that prison in IsraelI mean Iraq). But the
President is God, which is why his picture is on the dollar bill, and why
you can't make him look like an elephant like those soldiers did. You know.
Kneeling with his feet up in the air and one finger in his nose and the
other in his anus. That's really bad.
You can't draw the president's face on a stick, even if you make it look
like a lollypop or a Bubblehead doll. You are a bad person if you do that
and if you do that, the Secret Police will come to your house at midnight
and make you stand on a box with a shopping bag over your head and
electrodes attached to your generals. Then they'll bulldoze your house into
dust! (Which is way cool to see them do that on TV.)
If you make fun of the president that means you hate him and are a enemy
combatant. The president has so much to worry about, like his physical
fitness and if he takes his sedatives on time, he doesn't need some wise-ass
kid sneaking into the Lincoln bedroom at night and ****ing his wife (you
shouldn't say ****), or his really cute daughters, who drink a lot and fall
down at parties and are pretty easy. The president was bad too, like his
daughters, before he learned that Jesus wanted him to kill all the Arabs.
The president is truly blessed, so you can't tell your freinds you made a
videotape of him masturbating and sent it to Seymour Hersh. You can't do
that, because one of your friends may be an informer for Homeland Security
and then they'll chop your ****ing head off!
What I learned this year is that the President is not someone to mock. Even
if he is an idiot and a war criminal who deserves to be hanged, and even if
no one in the media has the balls to say so. (You shouldn't say balls
either.)
Billy Wilson
Maine, as the essay part of the final exam in his English class. His teacher
posted it as an example of the uprightness of modern youth.
The Most Important Thing I Learned in School This Year
By BILLY WILSON
The most important lesson I learned this year in school is to pay attention
in class and not to doodle while the teacher is talking. The worst thing you
can do is draw a picture that shows President Bush's head on a pole with
blood gushing out of his bulging eyesballs. If you do something like this,
it means you're probably going to blow up the Oklahoma Book Depsitory, or
fly remote conrtrol planes into the White House, like the CIA did on 9/11.
Even if you're only 15 like me, you can hijack a bus (like Sandra Bullock
did in that cool movie, Speed), and drive it into the Bush ranch at Waco,
and burn all the children to death.
I learned that drawing pictures of the President with his arms growing out
of his head is no laughing matter. It's bad to make the President look
stupider than he already is. You can't draw him writing memos on wide-ruled
paper with a crayon, or dressed up like a cowboy and playing with toy
pistols in the Awful Office. That type of humor isn't funny. You can't make
him look like Alfred E. Newman from Mad Magazine, with blood gushing out of
his ears.
It is OK to draw a picture of Saddam Hussein on all fours, with Condolisa
Rice in a furry African bikini and rings around her neck, holding the
evildooer on a leash, and Donald Rumsfeld whacking him on the behind and
making him bark like a dog, because that's just a frat prank (like the sexy
girl soldier Lindy English did at that prison in IsraelI mean Iraq). But the
President is God, which is why his picture is on the dollar bill, and why
you can't make him look like an elephant like those soldiers did. You know.
Kneeling with his feet up in the air and one finger in his nose and the
other in his anus. That's really bad.
You can't draw the president's face on a stick, even if you make it look
like a lollypop or a Bubblehead doll. You are a bad person if you do that
and if you do that, the Secret Police will come to your house at midnight
and make you stand on a box with a shopping bag over your head and
electrodes attached to your generals. Then they'll bulldoze your house into
dust! (Which is way cool to see them do that on TV.)
If you make fun of the president that means you hate him and are a enemy
combatant. The president has so much to worry about, like his physical
fitness and if he takes his sedatives on time, he doesn't need some wise-ass
kid sneaking into the Lincoln bedroom at night and ****ing his wife (you
shouldn't say ****), or his really cute daughters, who drink a lot and fall
down at parties and are pretty easy. The president was bad too, like his
daughters, before he learned that Jesus wanted him to kill all the Arabs.
The president is truly blessed, so you can't tell your freinds you made a
videotape of him masturbating and sent it to Seymour Hersh. You can't do
that, because one of your friends may be an informer for Homeland Security
and then they'll chop your ****ing head off!
What I learned this year is that the President is not someone to mock. Even
if he is an idiot and a war criminal who deserves to be hanged, and even if
no one in the media has the balls to say so. (You shouldn't say balls
either.)
Billy Wilson
but if you do then happy trading
