Best Thread Joke of the day
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timsk
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Apologies if this has been posted already . . .
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........"
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks, "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a shcousher, the bitch shtole ma wallet !"
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........"
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks, "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a shcousher, the bitch shtole ma wallet !"
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman are introducing their sons.
The Englishman says "this is my Son George, He Was born on St Georges Day"
The Scot says "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St Andrews Day"
The Welshman continues "This is my son David, he was born on st Davids Day"
The Irishman grabs his son by the shoulder and turns to walk away, saying "come on Pancake, this is getting embarassing"
The Englishman says "this is my Son George, He Was born on St Georges Day"
The Scot says "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St Andrews Day"
The Welshman continues "This is my son David, he was born on st Davids Day"
The Irishman grabs his son by the shoulder and turns to walk away, saying "come on Pancake, this is getting embarassing"
I've been in a meeting this afternoon with Big Gordy or Gordon Brown as you know him.
I'm pleased to tell you that he has accepted my proposals as a basis for govt policy.
In brief they are ;
1. A Fat tax.
It's well known you porkers cost us a lot of money in medical costs moreover you deprive the poor of the world of much needed foods consuming so much junk you push the prices up beyond their meagre ability to buy it. So, from here on for every point incurred over your optimum BMI you will pay 1% additional tax to the govt which will be split equally between the NHS and the Third World Economies including Chumps Needies. Please be ready to make an appointment for a medical test and kit will be installed in your bathroom connected directly to the govt office responsible for monitoring your gross condition.
2. The Electoral Barrier.
We are well fed up with you people threatening our political stability by being unable to differentiate between what is good for US and voting for same. Forthwith if you have an IQ above 85 you will be inelligible to vote. Anything above 85 is unacceptable as it clearly proven that such individuals cannot totally suspend disbelief and therefore are not susceptible to our brand of bullshti. Be prepared to make an appointment to have your IQ assessed and you will be pleased to know we will not be required to install any equipment in your bathroom. Moreover we may be able to foregoe measuring your IQ. If you attended a state funded educational establishment we may well accept this as proof that your IQ is low enough to qualify for the vote.
3.Breeding.
In order to plan for the future sustainability of our policies it is necessary to ensure the correct mix of population within our country. Consequently ,it is our intention to lay down clear guidelines for breeding. Any person of IQ 85> above may not have more than one child . Unlimited breeding is allowed for people with an IQ < 85. No breeding is allowed at all between persons who have IQ's above and below the criticial 85 threshold.
We may choose to micro manage this policy by allowing low IQ individuals free viagra and longer lunch breaks by way of a breeding allowance not dissimilar to the current tax allowance schemes.
Please note that any correspondence objecting, or shall we say attempting to discuss, the introduction of these policies will be carefully monitored. Any such correspondence not containing at least 10 spelling mistakes will be trashed immediately.
I'm pleased to tell you that he has accepted my proposals as a basis for govt policy.
In brief they are ;
1. A Fat tax.
It's well known you porkers cost us a lot of money in medical costs moreover you deprive the poor of the world of much needed foods consuming so much junk you push the prices up beyond their meagre ability to buy it. So, from here on for every point incurred over your optimum BMI you will pay 1% additional tax to the govt which will be split equally between the NHS and the Third World Economies including Chumps Needies. Please be ready to make an appointment for a medical test and kit will be installed in your bathroom connected directly to the govt office responsible for monitoring your gross condition.
2. The Electoral Barrier.
We are well fed up with you people threatening our political stability by being unable to differentiate between what is good for US and voting for same. Forthwith if you have an IQ above 85 you will be inelligible to vote. Anything above 85 is unacceptable as it clearly proven that such individuals cannot totally suspend disbelief and therefore are not susceptible to our brand of bullshti. Be prepared to make an appointment to have your IQ assessed and you will be pleased to know we will not be required to install any equipment in your bathroom. Moreover we may be able to foregoe measuring your IQ. If you attended a state funded educational establishment we may well accept this as proof that your IQ is low enough to qualify for the vote.
3.Breeding.
In order to plan for the future sustainability of our policies it is necessary to ensure the correct mix of population within our country. Consequently ,it is our intention to lay down clear guidelines for breeding. Any person of IQ 85> above may not have more than one child . Unlimited breeding is allowed for people with an IQ < 85. No breeding is allowed at all between persons who have IQ's above and below the criticial 85 threshold.
We may choose to micro manage this policy by allowing low IQ individuals free viagra and longer lunch breaks by way of a breeding allowance not dissimilar to the current tax allowance schemes.
Please note that any correspondence objecting, or shall we say attempting to discuss, the introduction of these policies will be carefully monitored. Any such correspondence not containing at least 10 spelling mistakes will be trashed immediately.
Pat494
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Perhaps a supplementary monthly competition especially for the grossly obese. Every city has to offer up its most overweight winner for the " Be nice to the Taliban tea-party", forklift truck supplied free of charge if necessary. A C130 transport plane will take the winners to The Middle East to drop in on their hosts - from 50,000 feet !!!
SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
( end of obese problem approx. 4 weeks )
wasp
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Dinos
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Atilla
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Gates vs. GM
An oldie but just as funny and relevant...
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
An oldie but just as funny and relevant...
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
TheBramble
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A woman goes to visit with her son for a few days. Her son is living with his friend -they are gay, but desperate not to have her find out. The visit goes well, they go out and about and have lots of fun and laughs.
Anyhow, the day of departure arrives and Mom heads off back home.
About a week later. The son notices the copper-bottomed skillet which his Mom had commented upon so favourably was missing. In a state of anguish they search the apartment to try and find the missing skillet, to come to the only possible conclusion – his Mom had stolen it!
With great sadness he wrote to his Mom:-
“Hi Mom, hope you had a great time, we sure enjoyed having you here. One small thing. The copper-bottomed skillet which you liked so much, well, it’s missing.
Now, I’m not saying you stole it and I’m not saying you didn’t. But nobody else has been in the apartment since you left.
Love, Your Son”.
About a week later he gets a letter back.
“Dear Son, I had a great time and really enjoyed the visit. You and your friend get along together so well. Really, very, very well indeed.
Now, I’m not saying you’re gay and I’m saying you’re not gay. But had you slept in your own bed since I left you would have found where I hid the skillet.
Love, Mom”
Anyhow, the day of departure arrives and Mom heads off back home.
About a week later. The son notices the copper-bottomed skillet which his Mom had commented upon so favourably was missing. In a state of anguish they search the apartment to try and find the missing skillet, to come to the only possible conclusion – his Mom had stolen it!
With great sadness he wrote to his Mom:-
“Hi Mom, hope you had a great time, we sure enjoyed having you here. One small thing. The copper-bottomed skillet which you liked so much, well, it’s missing.
Now, I’m not saying you stole it and I’m not saying you didn’t. But nobody else has been in the apartment since you left.
Love, Your Son”.
About a week later he gets a letter back.
“Dear Son, I had a great time and really enjoyed the visit. You and your friend get along together so well. Really, very, very well indeed.
Now, I’m not saying you’re gay and I’m saying you’re not gay. But had you slept in your own bed since I left you would have found where I hid the skillet.
Love, Mom”
0007
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
0007
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Logical deductions
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
0007
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Camra
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the national sales reps of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at the bar. The man from Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the Miller guy orders a Miller, Franck orders a Grolsch, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Patrick from Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "To be sure, no," replies Guinness. "If you gentlemen aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
The biggest beer producers in the world meet for a conference, and at the end of the day, the national sales reps of all the beer companies decide to have a drink together at the bar. The man from Budweiser naturally orders a Bud, the Miller guy orders a Miller, Franck orders a Grolsch, and so on down the list. Then the bartender asks Patrick from Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, he orders tea! "Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask suspiciously, wondering if they've stumbled on an embarrassing secret. "To be sure, no," replies Guinness. "If you gentlemen aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip.
His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.
The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"
His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled.
The salesman replied "IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?"
Hard times ahead as porn goes soft? - Entertainment News, Peter Bart, Media - Variety
You know it's tough when sex doesn't sell anymore.
You know it's tough when sex doesn't sell anymore.
