TheBramble
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chump, try a different wig.
Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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Pat494
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Whatever will Hollywood come up with next to sell to the public now that they have exhausted ( at last ) the old sex and violence stories.
Willis, Arnie, Stalone etc. have already made their piles of dosh. Will they take up knitting or something - that is the question ?
0007
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High finance ?
With sincere apologies to our lady readers - it's only a joke !
YouTube - Women, Know Your Limits
With sincere apologies to our lady readers - it's only a joke !
YouTube - Women, Know Your Limits
nkruger
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.
I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
nkruger
Established member
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While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .... Everyone laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"
Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-**** joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute . Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder. " I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning - today you voted for us!"
"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .... Everyone laughing, happy and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"
Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-**** joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute . Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder. " I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning - today you voted for us!"
nkruger
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NUTRITION
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Here endeth the Lesson.
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Here endeth the Lesson.
nkruger
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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beetroot, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a two pence piece, but I like your thinking!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beetroot, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a two pence piece, but I like your thinking!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
nkruger
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- 855
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- 76
The Bird Feeder
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
it on my back porch and filled
it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.
Then came the bird sh1t. It was
everywhere; on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!
Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ... quiet, serene
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see ....
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care, and free
education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.
Then the illegals came by
the millions. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 or more families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by a doctor in an emergency room
because it is filled with illegals;
your child's 2nd grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'The Union Jack' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Its just my opinion but:
maybe, just maybe,
it's time for the government
to take down the damn bird feeder.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung
it on my back porch and filled
it lovingly with seed. It was indeed a beautiful bird feeder.
Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.
But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.
Then came the bird sh1t. It was
everywhere; on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...
everywhere!
Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own
pocket.
And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be ... quiet, serene
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see ....
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care, and free
education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic
citizen.
Then the illegals came by
the millions. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 or more families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by a doctor in an emergency room
because it is filled with illegals;
your child's 2nd grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak
English.
Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'The Union Jack' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.
Its just my opinion but:
maybe, just maybe,
it's time for the government
to take down the damn bird feeder.
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
nkruger
Established member
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- 855
- Likes
- 76
THE HALF-WIT
A man owned a small farm in Tennessee. The Tennessee Dept. of Labor
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has
been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,” replied the farmer.
A man owned a small farm in Tennessee. The Tennessee Dept. of Labor
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out
to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them,' demanded the agent.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has
been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and
board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,” replied the farmer.
nkruger
Established member
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- 855
- Likes
- 76
A Conservative Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne , Australia .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice".
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice".
Vaco
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,134
- Likes
- 269
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE:
Read from bottom to top
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE:
Read from bottom to top
TheBramble
Legendary member
- Messages
- 8,394
- Likes
- 1,170
Important Zen teachings............
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just P!ss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you Fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our **** ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just P!ss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you Fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our **** ... then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
Vaco
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,134
- Likes
- 269
A boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a 'house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm NOT leaving until I get it.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I've heard men talking about having to have injections after having sex with Amber - so THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.'
'After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught '
'When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.'
'In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease and HE'S the ******* who ran over my FROG!
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it and I'm NOT leaving until I get it.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I've heard men talking about having to have injections after having sex with Amber - so THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall, dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.'
'After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught '
'When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mum will catch it.'
'In the morning when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease and HE'S the ******* who ran over my FROG!
Dinos
Veteren member
- Messages
- 4,113
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- 714
Racist, (No offense intended to anyone) short and sweet
To protect your familys interest when boarding the plane on your way to your holiday destination, as you get on, start singing the Iraqi national anthem, if anybody joins in, get the f**k off!, hehe
To protect your familys interest when boarding the plane on your way to your holiday destination, as you get on, start singing the Iraqi national anthem, if anybody joins in, get the f**k off!, hehe
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would
change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer
who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her
first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could
I have one."
The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
"637", said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact
number, but lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the
real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would
change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer
who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her
first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could
I have one."
The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
"637", said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact
number, but lived up to his bargain.
"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the
real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest
you jack off.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest
you jack off.
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "if I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up , removes his shirt and says, " here, iron this!".
She removes all her clothing and asks, " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up , removes his shirt and says, " here, iron this!".
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
That reminds me of that VERY old Bob Monkhouse joke.
"When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my dear old father.
Not screaming and crying, like his passengers......"
