Quick jokes

FTSE Beater

Experienced member
1,518 5
Hi all.

Just received this on an e-mail - had to share it :D


Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."



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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.



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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."



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Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."



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Answer-phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."



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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'



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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by
a strong currant.



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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".



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I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.



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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they
lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.



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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh



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Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"



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Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
 

RogerM

Established member
752 6
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg. ..so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bum, and go as a toffee apple!"
 
 
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