Best Thread Joke of the day
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Pat494
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The New Vicar
A new vicar moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Vicar's note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
A new vicar moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Vicar's note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
scose-no-doubt
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2000 = 100
Well, our cat was born in 2010 and will be 1 this year - 11?
But 11 is close enough to get the jist of it and 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world anyway so if everybody's age adds up to 111 and there are no 112's !......
Time to live recklessly folks...tally ho.
Atilla
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Pedant
zsawevv212
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
Ambrose Ackroyd
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A cowboy had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for the wedding night. He approached the front desk with his new wife and asked for a room.
He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears til she gets used to it."
He said, "We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, "You want the ’Bridal’?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears til she gets used to it."
Ambrose Ackroyd
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A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says "Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist and I want to stay fresh."
The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?"
The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers "Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?"
Paddy is baffled by his orange nob.
The Doctor asks him " does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
Paddy says "no".
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work" Paddy replies.
"Well, what do you do all day?!" the doctor asks.
Paddy says "watch porn and eat wotsits"
The Doctor asks him " does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
Paddy says "no".
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work" Paddy replies.
"Well, what do you do all day?!" the doctor asks.
Paddy says "watch porn and eat wotsits"
Pat494
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One of those moments
Before Sinbad sets off on his epic voyage he is called by the Pharaoh to visit him. He wants to get off but when the big guy summons, you obey ! The Pharaoh is standing next to the pyramid his father built.
Look Sinbad he says “one day an even mightier pyramid will stand on this very spot for me.” Who the f*ck cares thinks Sinbad, but he remembers his manners and says
“Oh mighty King of All the known world, I would give anything for my very own pyramid” built in this very spot”, he gestures with his hand.
The Pharaoh catches the glint of gold flashing in the bright sun, coming from a big ring on Sinbad’s finger. Surely the mightiest Man in the whole world should have a ring such as this. Give me your ring Sinbad so that I may remember my dearest friend while you are away. So Sinbad has to hand over the ring.
Well what Sinbad didn’t tell the Pharaoh was that it was a magic ring. If you rub it on your backside you can wish for anything you like and the ring’s genie will accomplish it.
After 20 years Sinbad returns to his country. Naturally he hasn’t forgotten the Ring. So he gathers up a basket full of gold and jewels and visits the Pharoah hoping to swop them for the Ring.
By the way says Sinbad conversationally “ whatever happened to that Ring I gave you when I left 20 years ago ?”
Oh yes says the Pharoah, “ Thinking of you I placed it under the first stone that was laid down for the greatest pyramid the world has ever known !!
Before Sinbad sets off on his epic voyage he is called by the Pharaoh to visit him. He wants to get off but when the big guy summons, you obey ! The Pharaoh is standing next to the pyramid his father built.
Look Sinbad he says “one day an even mightier pyramid will stand on this very spot for me.” Who the f*ck cares thinks Sinbad, but he remembers his manners and says
“Oh mighty King of All the known world, I would give anything for my very own pyramid” built in this very spot”, he gestures with his hand.
The Pharaoh catches the glint of gold flashing in the bright sun, coming from a big ring on Sinbad’s finger. Surely the mightiest Man in the whole world should have a ring such as this. Give me your ring Sinbad so that I may remember my dearest friend while you are away. So Sinbad has to hand over the ring.
Well what Sinbad didn’t tell the Pharaoh was that it was a magic ring. If you rub it on your backside you can wish for anything you like and the ring’s genie will accomplish it.
After 20 years Sinbad returns to his country. Naturally he hasn’t forgotten the Ring. So he gathers up a basket full of gold and jewels and visits the Pharoah hoping to swop them for the Ring.
By the way says Sinbad conversationally “ whatever happened to that Ring I gave you when I left 20 years ago ?”
Oh yes says the Pharoah, “ Thinking of you I placed it under the first stone that was laid down for the greatest pyramid the world has ever known !!
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Good to see 2 Scotsmen contesting the Australian Open Tennis Final today.
Andy Murray has a chance but my money is firmly on Jock O'Vic.
Andy Murray has a chance but my money is firmly on Jock O'Vic.
