Best Thread Joke of the day
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TheBramble
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mods, please, don't delete this one. All the others in the other threads sure, but here, it's actually on topic.
N'est ce pas?
N'est ce pas?
sighthound
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Wot a load of cobblers!
Atilla
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Either this is a very good joke or I've been duped.
Kason, this is a jokes thread not an agony aunt. Shrinks are very expensive but I can recommend Amazon.co.uk: cool blue dolce gabanna at a very favourable price... :cheesy:
Best regards,
Tenapenny
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sighthound
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Somebody please put him out of his (our) misery.
Try shoe,go away
Scottish footballers Barry Ferguson and Allan McGregor were recently involved in a heavy drinking session, during which they were seen to continually flash "V" signs.
Scotland manager George Burley stood by his decision to ban them from ever playing for their country again.
"Those gestures the boys made were totally inappropriate", he told journalists.
"I simply had to let them go. The concept of victory has no place in Scottish football."
Scotland manager George Burley stood by his decision to ban them from ever playing for their country again.
"Those gestures the boys made were totally inappropriate", he told journalists.
"I simply had to let them go. The concept of victory has no place in Scottish football."
TheBramble
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Man Test
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your a!rse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or t!ts. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or p!ss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free a!rse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an a!rse puncher.
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your a!rse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or t!ts. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or p!ss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free a!rse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an a!rse puncher.
TheBramble
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Political correctness is most definitely not my thing. Apart from my passionate belief that anarchy is the only route to self-determination, self-preservation and global equality, there is the inherent disability in PC of assuming those which it superficially claims to protect are incapable of having a sense of humour about either themselves, or others denominated by PC-ness as being ‘separate’ or ‘different’. PC actually discriminates against those it claims to protect and introduces classes and sects where none were necessarily extant. I love irony.
I doubt there’s a gay guy on this site that didn’t find that post funny. I’m not saying gays aren’t as likely to have miserable old bar stewards in their midst as the straights, but my guess is, there are probably less of them per capita.
dash riprock
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BBQ Etiquette
BBQ Etiquette
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
BBQ Etiquette
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
neil
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Gender
A man was killing flies with his newspaper in his local pub.
"I killed five flies" he said. "Three male and to female"
"How can you tell which flies are male and which female ?" asked his bored partner.
"Easy" said the man.
"The three on the beer can are male - and the two on the telephone are female."
A man was killing flies with his newspaper in his local pub.
"I killed five flies" he said. "Three male and to female"
"How can you tell which flies are male and which female ?" asked his bored partner.
"Easy" said the man.
"The three on the beer can are male - and the two on the telephone are female."
dash riprock
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Smoking
Scientists have found that oral sex is a bigger cause of throat cancer than smoking. Either way, it's bad news for fags
Scientists have found that oral sex is a bigger cause of throat cancer than smoking. Either way, it's bad news for fags
Jazz chord
Stevie Wonder in concert in Tokyo asks the audience for requests.
An old Jap guy at the front asks for a jazz chord. Stevie plays a 15 minute jazz rendition bringing the house down.
"Play a jazz chord" shouts the old jap guy again.
Stevie plays another superb jazz medley to rapturous applause.
"Play a jazz chord" the old jap guy shouts yet again.
Stevie shouts back, "If you're so clever come on up and show us how its done".
The old jap guy hobbles onto the stage grabs the mic and sings.....
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord to say ah ruv you"....
All together now!............:clap:
Stevie Wonder in concert in Tokyo asks the audience for requests.
An old Jap guy at the front asks for a jazz chord. Stevie plays a 15 minute jazz rendition bringing the house down.
"Play a jazz chord" shouts the old jap guy again.
Stevie plays another superb jazz medley to rapturous applause.
"Play a jazz chord" the old jap guy shouts yet again.
Stevie shouts back, "If you're so clever come on up and show us how its done".
The old jap guy hobbles onto the stage grabs the mic and sings.....
.
.
.
.
.
"A jazz chord to say ah ruv you"....
All together now!............:clap:
dash riprock
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Psychiatric Hotline
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Atilla
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dash riprock
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Whats The Difference ?
What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?
The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.
What's the difference between a western girl and a Arab girl?
The western girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.
Pat494
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This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Damn maybe those pirates are in with a shout after all !!
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Damn maybe those pirates are in with a shout after all !!
Pat494
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One female trader at a firm was making a fortune on QQQ every morning.
No matter what the trade, she made money.
The other traders were curious and asked her the secret.
She said "when I get up in the morning, and my husband's dick is hanging to the right.....I go short. When it hangs to the left......I go long."
One of the traders, being the pest he was asked "and what do you do if it is straight up?"
She said, "I stay home, ain't no day to go trading....."
No matter what the trade, she made money.
The other traders were curious and asked her the secret.
She said "when I get up in the morning, and my husband's dick is hanging to the right.....I go short. When it hangs to the left......I go long."
One of the traders, being the pest he was asked "and what do you do if it is straight up?"
She said, "I stay home, ain't no day to go trading....."
dash riprock
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Medical
went for a medical, and the doctor asked me how often I masturbated.
Nervous, I mumbled back that I did not know.
Abruptly, the doc said "Sir, please don't worry- its normal- just think back to last week, and give me a rough figure."
So I thought, and replied, "Well, perhaps twenty."
The doctor nodded, and looked up at me and smiled.
I then said, "and on Tuesday...."
went for a medical, and the doctor asked me how often I masturbated.
Nervous, I mumbled back that I did not know.
Abruptly, the doc said "Sir, please don't worry- its normal- just think back to last week, and give me a rough figure."
So I thought, and replied, "Well, perhaps twenty."
The doctor nodded, and looked up at me and smiled.
I then said, "and on Tuesday...."
