Best Thread Joke of the day

[Pat494]

I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

 

[ian]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

(that's it)

 

[blancspa]

....

 

[gamma]

a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

[yacarob1]

Bog-House Graffiti

Shakespeare came here to sit and think.

You came here to sh1t and stink

 

[Atilla]

What does being lucky actually mean???

Read the caption on the first photo, then look at the second photo



Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver
broke through the guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left
when it crashed through the guardrail.

It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing the opposite direction from which the driver was traveling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger
were unhurt except for minor cuts and bruises.

Just outside Flagstaff , AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.




This is in two parts. Please be patient for part two... :cheesy:

 

[Atilla]

What does being lucky actually mean???

What does being lucky actually mean???


:clap::clap::clap:

 

[blancspa]

what happen to all the sirs in this country?

Actor Sir David Jason has apologised for a joke he made about Pakistanis on Tuesday morning on national radio.

Speaking live on air on Tuesday, Sir David said: "What do you call a Pakistani cloakroom attendant?"

After a pause, he said: "Mahatma coat."

naughty old man

 

[Pat494]

+
Subject: Nighttime Prayers

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."


The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."


The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."


The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."


He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.


When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"


He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."


She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my long-time tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

 

[Atilla]

Who is in charge of the toilets?


The Poohlice

 

[Pat494]

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

 

[minch]

A couple have 2 beautiful daughters but wanted a son.
Eventually wife gets pregnant and gives birth to a baby boy.

The father rushes to see his new born and is horrified to find the ugliest child he has ever seen.
He says to his wife "I have 2 beautiful daughters I cant be the father of this boy. Have you been sleeping around?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied " Not this time."

 

[Atilla]

Who is in charge of the bathroom?



Bathman and Robin...

 

[sighthound]

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators.
Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters

 

[Pat494]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and
tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little
nose. "Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it
was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're
soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail
and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what
kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the
bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well,what kind of an animal am I?"
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, you've a forked tongue and you haven't got any balls...You must be a lawyer !

 

[dash riprock]

New flavours of crisps

Walkers are to add a new flavour of crisps to there range , " Semen " Flavour .

They will be marked as " Diet Crisps " as 97.7% of women will spit them back out !

 

[minch]

Johnathan Ross has been arrested for nicking a kitchen utensil from Debenhams.

He said afterwards it was a whisk he was prepared to take!

 

[minch]

A man visits a whore house. A week later he visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on his Meat between two veg.

The doctor says "its serious I will have to operate."

"Why is that the man asks."

The doctor replies" You know how a boxer gets a cauliflower ear, well you have got a Brothel Sprout."

 

[yacarob1]

Jacqui Smith was reportedly shocked that her husband viewed pornography and wants answers.

She's been advised to take a long, hard look at herself.

 

[TheBramble]

Why Being Australian is Still Rather Special

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:


'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'