Best Thread Joke of the day

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something worng with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said "Ok, take off all your crose". The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room". Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang. then said, "Ok, now craw reery reery fass back to me". As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your problem vey bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang. what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachery Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ****... :cheesy:
 
Black women all over the world are shaving their pussys today in support of obamas election their message to the world "READ OUR LIPS NO MORE BUSH !"
 
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fu*cking a*rsehole ".
 
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.

The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight"
 
Two goldfish were in their tank.

One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'
 
An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well" says the camel, "I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face!" :cheesy:
 
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted..." :-0
 
Fried of mine was diagnosed with a rare strain of HIV, called HIV554. He was told he only had a few months to live, and that he should enjoy them. He went home and told his family, and they were devastated. To cheer everyone up, his mum decided they should go on a family trip to the bingo hall. My friend proceeded to win every game. Lines, full houses, the lot. After his last win in the big stakes game, the announcer comes over to him and says 'This must be your lucky day!' He replied
'Lucky?'

'LUCKY?!?!?'

'I've got HIV554!!!!!'

The compare responds 'F**K ME!! You've won the raffle as well!'
 
Here's on I got in an email yesterday - a bit of a play on an old one, methinks.....

Economic Models ... explained with cows
The 2008 update
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated
general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights
to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of
the United States ,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then
buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty
times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called
'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
 
The Five Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?
 
jocck said:
The Five Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about? Food, what's for lunch?

2. Do you love me? I guess so? :cheesy:

3. Do I look fat? Never! Just more cuddly... ;)

4. Do you think she is prettier than me? No contest... :whistling

5. What would you do if I died?
Click to expand...
Errr get a new advanced suped up model... :cool:
 
chilltrader said:
A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
But no milk, as they will be milked "manana".
Click to expand...

:LOL:

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
But you're b**gered if you can work out why they aren't producing any wool.

A POLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
But there isn't anyone of working age to milk them :whistling
 
San Francisco Corp
You have 2 cows
They are both lesbian and wont get pregnant
So no milk
 
General Motors Corp
You have 2 cows
They can't see where to fit the brakes
 
The German Corp
You haff 2 cows
They were swopped for 2 geese
They march better
 
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