Best Thread Joke of the day

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
I just picked up my new Newcastle shirt I ordered.

It's got "KING KEEGAN" on the back.

I'm taking it back later to have the F U and C added.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: LION63

Pat494

Legendary member
13,400 1,313
There was this guy in a bar having a drink when in comes a big fella and sits down next to him. He’s just lookin around when whammo the big man knocks him off his stool onto the floor.
“That was a karate punch he says.
The little guy gets up and is just about to ask him what he thinks he’s doing when the big man kicks him in the groin.
“That was a jiu-jitsu kick”, he says.
The little guy ducks out the door and is gone. Half an hour later he is back, creeps up behind the big guy and hits him over the head..
He turns to the barman and says “ when that sucker wakes up tell him that was a shovel from B&Q “!!
 
Last edited:

darktone

Veteren member
3,916 1,000
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'.
 

keano

Well-known member
327 30
Why men don’t write advice columns

_ Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely, Jane

/Dear Jane: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.// I hope this helps.-Walter/
 

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
 

chump

Senior member
2,212 274
c/o a Bear Sterns employee

SING TO THE TUNE OF 'BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY' BY QUEEN




Is this the real price?
Is this just fantasy?
Financial landslide
No escape from reality

Open your eyes
And look at your buys and see.
I'm now a poor boy (poor boy)
High-yielding casualty
Because I bought it high, watched it blow
Rating high, value low
Any way the Fed goes
Doesn't really matter to me, to me

Mama - just killed my fund
Quoted CDO's instead
Pulled the trigger, now it's dead
Mama - I had just begun
These CDO's have blown it all away
Mama - oooh-hoo-ooo
I still wanna buy
I sometimes wish I'd never left Goldman at all.

(guitar solo)

~~~


I see a little silhouette of a Fed
Bernanke! Bernanke! Can you save the whole market?
Monolines and munis - very very frightening me!
Super senior, super senior
Super senior CDO - magnifico

I'm long of subprime, nobody loves me
He's long of subprime CDO fantasy
Spare the margin call you monstrous PB!
Easy come easy go, will you let me go?
Peloton! No - we will not let you go - let him go
Peloton! We will not let you go
(let him go !)
Peloton! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go
let me go (never) Never let you go - let me go Never let me go – ooo
No, no, no, no, No, NO, NO ! -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
S&P had the devil put aside
for me
For me, for me, for me

~~~

So you think you can fund me and spit in my eye?
And then margin call me and leave me to die Oh PB - can't do this to me
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
No price really matters
No liquidity
Nothing really matters - no price really matters to me
Any way the Fed goes.....
 

LION63

Established member
746 33
A Scouser walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting Salary is £200,000 a year."

The Scouser, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
 

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
Irish guy goes on Mastermind:

"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.

"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.


"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"

"Pass."

"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"

"Pass."

"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"

"Pass."

Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:

"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bas*tards anything!"
 

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?


"Don't touch my f***ing Easter Eggs, I'll be back on Monday."
 

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
Paddy and Murphy walking down the road.

Paddy finds a mirror, looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before" and then passes it to Murphy.

Murphy then says, "You stupid twat that's me!"
 

timsk

Legendary member
6,921 1,799
Apologies if this has been posted already . . .

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun".
So they went back to her place and got comfortable. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to........"
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks, "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a shcousher, the bitch shtole ma wallet !"
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pat494

yacarob1

Experienced member
1,471 181
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scot and a Welshman are introducing their sons.

The Englishman says "this is my Son George, He Was born on St Georges Day"

The Scot says "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St Andrews Day"

The Welshman continues "This is my son David, he was born on st Davids Day"

The Irishman grabs his son by the shoulder and turns to walk away, saying "come on Pancake, this is getting embarassing"
 

chump

Senior member
2,212 274
I've been in a meeting this afternoon with Big Gordy or Gordon Brown as you know him.
I'm pleased to tell you that he has accepted my proposals as a basis for govt policy.
In brief they are ;

1. A Fat tax.
It's well known you porkers cost us a lot of money in medical costs moreover you deprive the poor of the world of much needed foods consuming so much junk you push the prices up beyond their meagre ability to buy it. So, from here on for every point incurred over your optimum BMI you will pay 1% additional tax to the govt which will be split equally between the NHS and the Third World Economies including Chumps Needies. Please be ready to make an appointment for a medical test and kit will be installed in your bathroom connected directly to the govt office responsible for monitoring your gross condition.

2. The Electoral Barrier.
We are well fed up with you people threatening our political stability by being unable to differentiate between what is good for US and voting for same. Forthwith if you have an IQ above 85 you will be inelligible to vote. Anything above 85 is unacceptable as it clearly proven that such individuals cannot totally suspend disbelief and therefore are not susceptible to our brand of bullshti. Be prepared to make an appointment to have your IQ assessed and you will be pleased to know we will not be required to install any equipment in your bathroom. Moreover we may be able to foregoe measuring your IQ. If you attended a state funded educational establishment we may well accept this as proof that your IQ is low enough to qualify for the vote.

3.Breeding.
In order to plan for the future sustainability of our policies it is necessary to ensure the correct mix of population within our country. Consequently ,it is our intention to lay down clear guidelines for breeding. Any person of IQ 85> above may not have more than one child . Unlimited breeding is allowed for people with an IQ < 85. No breeding is allowed at all between persons who have IQ's above and below the criticial 85 threshold.
We may choose to micro manage this policy by allowing low IQ individuals free viagra and longer lunch breaks by way of a breeding allowance not dissimilar to the current tax allowance schemes.

Please note that any correspondence objecting, or shall we say attempting to discuss, the introduction of these policies will be carefully monitored. Any such correspondence not containing at least 10 spelling mistakes will be trashed immediately.