Best Thread Joke of the day

[barjon]

A letter was left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed – I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following reply on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of mathematics, you will understand that we are in the same situation,although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

 

[jonnyy40]

She came and sat on the bed.When I was dead.
She came and sat on the bed.When I was dead.
I came and sat on the bed.She left.

 

[rols]

!!!!

 

[CJIA]

THE DEPT OF TRANSPORT INITIATIVE HAS BEEN RE-LAUNCHED, MAY 2006.
Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving. For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:-overtaking in dangerous places;
-hovering within one inch of the car in front; -stopping sharply;
-speeding in residential areas; -pulling out without indication;
-performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets; -under taking
on motorways and -taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads,
These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians. Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public. Please circulate this to as many other motorists
as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

 

[oatman]

Rooney's been told he can play in the World Cup if he gets a cortizone injection.

Beckham said: "If that fat f*cker's getting a new car, then so am I!"

 

[Kunal]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...

 

[Kunal]

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand.

With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger."

 

[Kunal]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day,
the paper read..

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines
read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

[wasp]

SBs

The FSA have issued new guidelines for spread betting companies to issue in all their T&C...


"The prices herein are fictitious and any resemblance to any other market, real or fictitious, is purely coincidental"

 

[Kunal]

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?"

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make them larger!"

"How!?!?!?" she asks.

"Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs."

"Well how long does it take?" she asks.

"They should expand over the years," he answers.

"How did you know that?" she wonders.

"I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?"

 

[peto]

http://www0.gsb.columbia.edu/students/organizations/follies/media/EveryBreath.wmv

Every Breath You [Helecopter Ben] Breathe !

(Broadbanders only, takes a minute to load)

 

[blackcab]

This has gone round the Internet for ages, but it's worth repeating it's so hilarious. These are actual answers given by contestants on Family Fortunes - you know the one. Enjoy

Name an item of clothing people wear two of at the same time ..... A bra

Name a type of big cat ..... Persian

Name something with a hole in it ..... A window

Name something you might take from a hotel as a souvenir ..... The lamps

Name something you eat with fish ..... A plate

Name an animal that lives wild in Britain ..... A lion

Not including cutlery, name a type of fork ..... Banana

Name something a blind person might use ..... A sword

Name a song with moon in the title ..... Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck ..... Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch ..... A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister ..... Bonnie and Clyde

Name a dangerous race ..... The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers ..... A horse

Name something that floats in the bath ..... Water

Name something you wear on the beach ..... A deckchair

Name something red ..... A cardigan

Name a famous cowboy ..... Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal ..... Mail

Name a number you have to memorise ..... 7

Name something you do before going to bed ..... Sleep

Name something you put on walls ..... Roofs

Name something in the garden that's green ..... A shed

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine ..... A bicycle with wings

Name something you might be allergic to ..... Skiing

Name a famous bridge ..... Bridge over troubled water

Name something a cat does ..... Goes to the toilet

Name something you do in the bathroom ..... Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo ..... A dog

Name something associated with the police ..... Pigs

Name a sign of the zodiac ..... April

Name something slippery ..... A conman

Name a kind of ache ..... Fillet o' Fish

Name a food that can be brown or white ..... Potato

Name a jacket potato topping ..... Jam

Name a famous Scotsman ..... Jock

Name another famous Scotsman ..... Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it ..... A window

Name a non-living object with legs ..... A plant

Name a domestic animal ..... Leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' ..... Knee

Name a way of cooking fish ..... Cod

Name something you open other than a door ..... Your bowels

Name a famous soap opera ..... Romeo and Juliet

Name one of Harry Enfield's characters ..... Sooty

Name something with a red light ..... A Dalek

Name a bird that can also be a man's name ..... Chicken

Name one of the Spice Girls ..... The one with the long hair


Now, if you don't believe some of those answers, take my word that these last two are genuine - I saw the show, and they are gems...

Name something a vampire might be afraid of ..... Bob Monkhouse

Name a famous Parisian landmark ..... Hawaii


And then I was reminded of this priceless moment, which I also had the pleasure of actually seeing. A family of half-wits had somehow managed to get themselves through to the show’s climax, 'Big Money'. A middle-aged bloke was second up to answer the five quick-fire questions. To his own amusement (but not to the amusement of his disgruntled family who, thanks to this chap, had to do without the £5,000 and the car / holiday) he gave the same answer three times in succession. One answer was good, one was okay (but wouldn't be most people's choice), and the other... well... see for yourself:

Name something you take to the beach ..... Turkey

Name something you buy in a supermarket ..... Turkey

Name something you eat at Christmas ..... Turkey

 

[peto]

My equity curve....

 

[Pat494]

The Ladies strike back

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes ?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road ?
A. He heard the chicken was a sl*t.

Q. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg ?
A. They won’t stop to ask directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common ?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he’s planning ahead for the future.
A. He buys 2 cases of beer.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short ?
A. So men can remember them

Q. How many men does it take to change a toilet roll ?
A. We don’t know it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking ?
A. They all already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night ?
A. A widow.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups ?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What did God say after creating Adam ?
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. What did God say after creating Eve ?
A. Practice makes perfect.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ?
A. They are married.


( from the Parish magazine )

 

[rols]

Women's World

Sad but True!

 

[TheBramble]

Three Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Iraq

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his
desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

 

[ian]

After no dates or sex for 5 long years a woman finally goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr. Chang.

He says, "take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fas to otherside room. She does. " Ok, now craw reery reery fas bac".

As she carried out his instructions Dr.Chang shook his head. "your problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why you get no date".

She says, "god what's Ed Zachary disease"?

Dr. Chang says, " Its when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass"

 

[TheBramble]

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.
====================

An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep. He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?" He scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino". The next question was, "Do you shear them?" The farmer replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!"
====================

A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is; the old man gets very irate at this point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell! See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!

But, a long long time ago, I f***** *one* sheep..."
====================

 

[kako]

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE..?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing
mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould
be under$tanding of the need$ of u$
worker$ who have given $o much
$upport including $weat and $ervice to
your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon .
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the
world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt
sure if the United States may go into
aNOther recession. After the
NOvember presidential elections things
may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You
kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

 

[wasp]

Google - I'm feeling lucky with the word "failure".