Best Thread Joke of the day
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Favourite Tommy Cooper jokes
Two blondes walk into a building.......well, you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were very chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft and it sank.
This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What, just because he's cross-eyed !"
"No, because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ass."
"How's that?"
"Now don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
Two blondes walk into a building.......well, you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were very chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft and it sank.
This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What, just because he's cross-eyed !"
"No, because he's really heavy."
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ass."
"How's that?"
"Now don't you start."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family so it must be one of them.
It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
wasp
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
wasp
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Q. How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party?
A. They had all gone short.
Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?
A. Not many of them were willing to go long.
Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?
A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.
A. They had all gone short.
Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?
A. Not many of them were willing to go long.
Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?
A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.
fudgestain
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Its good .. builds a belly laugh.zambuck said:
After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s bowel-failingly drunk. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the **** out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the hell did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the **** out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the hell did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR ??
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
rols
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HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and
to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HIS DIARY:
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got
laid.
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and
to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HIS DIARY:
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got
laid.
Ingot54
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A fast-buck city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you need to leave immediately. You are trespassing."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you need to leave immediately. You are trespassing."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
TheBramble
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Loved that beyond belief. If ever someone needs an explanation of what "Can't see the wood for the trees" means...
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman.. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair.
interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman.. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade. Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong......
her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade. Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
wrong......
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
First year students at Med school were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back
the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back
the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck
his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
