Best Thread Joke of the day

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers.

Sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy's not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy's not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me...the English b*astard.

And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that little French s*hit again.
 
tortoise and hare
 

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I want to buy shares in Apple, but am concerned about its market share.

Does anyone know Apples turnover?
 
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on
British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when
Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava
from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah,
isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick
likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 
These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep straight faces while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or The occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.
 
So a dog has won Britain's Got Talent.

Not surprising really cos anyone that can lick their own ars*ehole has definitely got talent.
 
After twelve attempts, a woman finally passed her driving test.

Her husband asks, "Now that you have a licence, what can I get you as a reward?"

The wife cheerfully replies, "Oh, just something cheap to run around in."

So after thinking for a while, the husband goes out to Lidl and buys her some trainers.
 
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."
 
Dorothy and Edna, Two Widows, Are Talking



Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer".


Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you",

Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times"!

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him"?

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress".

:LOL:
 
On Monday morning, teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word pen*is in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face.

She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with pen*is on the blackboard, written in larger letters.

She looked in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, pen*is was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it.

By Friday, she’d had enough.

“That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I can’t believe this!

Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!”

The next Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board:

“Don’t you know – the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"
 
Robin Gibb

Does this mean the whole world starts living?

(Deep - unless you were there at the time)
 
North Korea did not have enough money to fully preserve the body of Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, this leaves North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong jerky.
 
North Korea conducted a nuclear test and the blast was so small that many scientists are saying it was a dud. Apparently, the nuclear bomb didn't work well because it was made in Korea.
 
Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.
 
Leveson Inquiry

The Leveson Inquiry is this generation's Woodstock: Lasts forever, big names are there and nobody will remember a damned thing.
 
Gun Logic 101


An interesting letter in a New Zealand Shooter Magazine the other week.

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months and a total of 2112 deaths; that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC was 80.8 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are more than 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which incidentally has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. than you are in Iraq".

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

:)
 
Last edited:
Pat494 said:
Gun Logic 101


An interesting letter in a New Zealand Shooter Magazine the other week.

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months and a total of 2112 deaths; that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington, DC is 80.8 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are more than 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the US capital, which incidentally has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. than you are in Iraq".

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington

:)
Click to expand...


Are those statistics for real?

I find that amazing!
 
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