Ask Uncle Pat................

robster970

Veteren member
4,566 1,389
Dear Pat,

I am a 44 year old man and happily married. However when I am trading and listening to music on Spotify, I often find myself listening to Girls Aloud's "Call the Shots". When I am in the moment, it is brilliant and feel as high as a kite but afterwards I feel terribly guilty and feel a little dirty.

Should I tell my wife?

Yours
Atomic Kitten Fan
 

Pat Riley

Established member
794 178
I am a 44 year old man and happily married.
There's no such thing. You're gay and you know it. To cleanse yourself of your filthy habit and perversions in the eyes of the Lord you need to tire barbed wire round your manhood next time you listen to the girlies song.

No need to tell the wife, she's already well aware of your preferences. Nobody is that heavy a sleeper.
 

robster970

Veteren member
4,566 1,389
Dear Pat,

I am a 44 year old man and happily married. However in anticipation of a trading session during my pre-market preparation, I often feel compelled to view pornography with the sole purpose of indulging in onanistic pursuits. This seems to have a positive effect on my trading performance, although to be fair I have never really performed a statistically significant forward test to prove this.

Unfortunately my wife caught me this afternoon whilst I was simultaneously watching some adult material and the release of the NFP figures. I did try to explain to her that this is all part of my trading strategy but she is not having any of this.

I am doing wrong here?

Yours
A Dannii Minogue Fan
 
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Pat494

Legendary member
13,685 1,366
Gawd - for a moment I thought he was talking to me !
Blimey O'Riley seems to have it under control tho !!

Sometimes hard choices have to be made.

Is it going to be the marriage or the trading ?

:p
 

Pat Riley

Established member
794 178
I am a 44 year old man and happily married.
Mmmhmmm…{bender}

However in anticipation of a trading session during my pre-market preparation, I often feel compelled to view pornography with the sole purpose of indulging in onanistic pursuits. This seems to have a positive effect on my trading performance, although to be fair I have never really performed a statistically significant forward test to prove this.
It is perfectly natural to assume your actions are normal. Many young men and old bull queers, think this is the norm. It is, for them. Instead of pornographic material, some will verbally ejaculate via on-line websites of a trading nature. This is also very normal, for them.

This is all linked to childhood.

Think back now to your earliest memories. Did you perhaps have a mother, and/or a father? This is often the root of the problem and the cause of all your problems. Did they perhaps not give you all the toys you wanted? Or maybe not all the sweets you craved? *******s! They are to blame. Not you. Imagine your mother or your father now subjugated and terrorised by your enormous power and manhood. Feels good, doesn’t it. Now, deprive them of their dignity as they did yours when you were powerless. Not so clever now, are they? Make them suffer. Hurt them. Yes!! Stick it in! Do it! Do it!! Do it!!!!

It’s also OK to fantasise about people and things. As long as you do it in your own head. Or in your wife’s wardrobe when she’s out shopping. As long as nobody else is involved. Or if they are, only by consent. And by consent us psychologists mean the giving of consent by sign or word. If they are unable to talk, such as by being bound and gagged or unconscious through the administration of drugs, any sign such as muffled cries or stifled screaming, trying to climb out of 3rd story windows or scratch their way through solid oak door suffices to signify consent.

As for seeming to have appositive effect on your trading performance, you don’t actually trade after the orgasm, do you. You just think you do. The moment of surrender weaves a spell upon you which your bottom line will all too quickly show you to be maya once you have regained your composure. And flushed the tissues.

Unfortunately my wife caught me this afternoon whilst I was simultaneously watching some adult material and the release of the NFP figures. I did try to explain to her that this is all part of my trading strategy but she is not having any of this.
She doesn’t give a sh!t any more. You’ve been caught the wrong side of the cat flap once too often and she recognises you for what you are. The sneer on her face and the disgust in her voice should have been sufficient to let you know this. Your own self-loathing and utter disgust at your existence was an indication to you of at least your basic ability to recognise the abject piece of sh!t you have become, but like all traders, you manfully ignore the obvious and assume you’re actually just a tweak or two away from being OK.

This is also perfectly normal. Carry on as you are. You seem to be on the right track.
 

NVP

Legendary member
36,611 1,859
Dear Pat

I have for many years dressed as a chicken in private..........I want to go to the doctor and confess............ but my wife tells me we still need the eggs

advice please
N
 
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Pat494

Legendary member
13,685 1,366
Dear Pat

I have for many years dressed as a chicken in private..........I want to go to the doctor and confess............ but my wife tells me we still need the eggs

advice please
N
Be proud
go public and who knows you might lay a big one
:)
 

Pat494

Legendary member
13,685 1,366
Come Christmas you could wrap yourself in tin foil and jump into the oven.
Set the dial first on high.

:)
 

Pat Riley

Established member
794 178
Dear Pat

I have for many years dressed as a chicken in private..........I want to go to the doctor and confess............ but my wife tells me we still need the eggs

advice please
N
Your problem is not unique. Nor is it the one you think you have. You only think you’re dressing as a chicken; In reality, you’re wearing your normal clothes. Your wife is just egging you on. Does she seem to smile strangely at you sometimes? Does she ever laugh for no obvious reason? Has she recently suggested you have dinner with people who you hardly know? Has she prepared dinner recently or made you a sandwich, or a cup of tea of coffee? If she has done any of these things, she’s secretly plotting to get rid of you and has been having a torrid and full on sexual (with anal and oral) affair with someone younger, more handsome and far richer than you. He is a trader. He also has a larger ***** and is fun, witty and loving. All the things you are not. Your subconscious is aware of this and that is why it’s making you think you’re dressing as a chicken to take your mind off just how crap you really are at everything.

But there is a solution.

While you’re not ever going to get your wife or your old life back (she’s gone bro) you can retrieve some degree of your sanity. Not all it has to be said, but some. It will require play-acting. You need to face your chicken fetish hallucination head on and only by the use of powerful social stimuli can you ever hope to claw back at least some degree of self-esteem, however lacklustre that will be compared with your former self. But your life as you knew it has now gone. Get used to the ephemeral vestige you might be allowed to retain. But this will take guts on your part and a lot of planning on mine. But I am prepared to help.

The Avian Exegesis Psychotherapeutic Manoeuvre. We will arrange a busy London train terminal for you to perform this. St. Pancras OK for you? You must be there at 08:10 tomorrow morning. Wear nothing but a long raincoat. You will also need the carcass of a chicken – complete with head, neck and feathers. At precisely 08:10 you will place the head of the bird, beak first into your anus and clench your buttocks tightly to ensure the bird stays in place. Unbutton your rain coat and allow it to slip from your shoulders. Then, slowly walk around the concourse of St. Pancras station. All of the people you see around you will be actors. I have arranged for them to be there and the station will be closed to the general public. The cathartic effect of doing this in front of strangers will free you of your malaise and you can get on with your life, however diminished it will necessarily now have become. No matter what anyone says or does, they have all been given a script, just stay aware they are acting. Police, armed police, angry member s of the public - they are all just playing the part to help you get over this. If anyone in uniform tries to apprehend you, simply remove the bird from its comfy perch and slap them round the face with the pooey end while shouting ‘cluck cluck you’re all a bunch of ducking clucks’. And then replace the beak as previously instructed. I’ll be there the whole time to support you and videoing it all. The entire event could last anything up to an hour or more and the longer you manage to hold those acting the part of authoritarian figures off, the more long lasting the cure. If you feel overwhelmed, improvise by saying things like ‘”I’ve got a gun” or “I’ve got a dirty bomb” and things like that. That will beneficially extend the process and you will reap additional rewards.

I’m here to help at all times. 08:10. St. Pancras. Don’t be late.
 
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