Spoof letter to NTL..


Junior member
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat **** waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived .. a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,

Yours psychotically,

I hate to say it but I have generally found NTL OK and I have Broadband, Cable TV and Telephone with them.
Tray_Dar, Stop sitting on the fence and say what you mean! Are you in any way, however slightly, dissatisfied with NTL? :D
Like a lot of things in life, all's well until something goes wrong. NTL are no exception. Time computers are the same.
I had a 1 day old 2.6 Athlon machine that went belly up today. Where's your XP Home CD I enquired? Ah, said the customer.... so he phoned Time..... I'm sorry ,Sir, you only get a CD if you pay us £300 quid for our extended warranty.......
The problem was that because it was an "unattended ghost image" install, there is an administrator password bug when you try to use the Recovery Console. It asks for an administrator password and when you press "enter" ( default for no password) it says invalid password. This is an acknowledged BUG in Win XP. Do you think Microsoft were interested.? Correct, they weren't. "What about your policy of supplying fixes for known bugs free of charge?" Ah, Sir , you have to pay £45 for this one!
Dial tone is now heard as I slam the phone down. Net result? The customer decides he'll put on the hookey XP Pro. What a shambles.
Just to clarify I didn't actually write this, I only wish I could use the english language in such a way......it was sent by email to me..had a chuckle so I thought I'd post it......

I also had a problem with NTL when I first had it installed. I complained and they refunded my costs for that and also told me that they were installing new servers which would be more reliable. I have to say that since they have done this I have had no problems at all but I only have Broadband with them and decided not to risk the telephone or cable TV.

When they came to install it they took 4 hours chopping up the driveway and re-concreting it and the installation and modem were FOC which is not the case with any other Broadband service I know of. I am online upto 14 hours a day so overall I would say that I am happy but things can always change.


Is there a minimum connection period of, e.g. a year, together with the FOC installation and modem?

I want to get broadband at home, but it (NTL broadband) apparently hasn't arrived in my area yet, and of course they don't know when it will....
Hey guys I have two baked bean tins and a piece of string that never goes down and requires only minor maintenance (a new label and the knots retightening on a regular basis)

Maybe with one of those IBM multi adapters NTL may be interested in my design.
Splurge said:
Maybe with one of those IBM multi adapters NTL may be interested in my design.

Only if they can get hold of the extra adapter for Europe . . .


if you want to see what people think of NTL.

By the way if you are an NTL customer then the site is manned by NTL staff who seem to consider it their duty to actually take on board and fix problems.

Must admit to being an NTL customer for the last couple of months (600k BB) and other than getting the initial installation done (took about 10 calls) and then getting it to work once the installation team had left (about 15 calls over a period of a week) They had somehow set up two accounts and the one that was linked to my payments was 'not installed' and the one that was not linked to any payments was installed but could not be enabled because I had not made arrangements to pay. However, once it kicked into life it has never looked back and does make my old ISDN line look slow.

Whilst I've been typing this I was downloading a 17 Meg software package. Not even finished typing and the bell has gone to tell me I've got it. OK, I've had to waffle a bit just to make sure but it is fast. Honest.
NTL Minimum Contract Term


The minimum term for NTL is 12 months. The problem you are likely to have if NTL is not yet in your area is that they probably never will be now. They decided last year that with all the debt they have that they will not be setting up new areas for NTL where they are not already present. How do I know this ? Well there is a new housing development being built near where I live and NTL were asked if they wanted to supply to the new homes and they declined and this is significant as for a new development the installation costs are minimal. It is well published that they have hige debts caused by them buying up the entire independent cable network operators for the whole country. I think that the quality of service you get depends on where you live. I live in Lincolnshire and it has been good here so far.