World 20/20 Cricket Cup ... England Shame

Ambrose Ackroyd

Senior member
2,879 287
The ECB has rebuked its Twenty20 cricket squad for “un-English” behaviour at the Twenty20 World Cup in the Caribbean. Lord Petomaine, newly installed head of the ECB, claimed that the team’s constant refusal to lose matches was “an insult to the memory of one-day heroes such as Nasser Hussain, Ian Salisbury, Ian Austin and Derek Pringle.”

He continued: “I don’t know if we can even call this cricket. Not only does it look like baseball, sound like baseball and smell like baseball, but our players, having been picked on a pay-as-you-lose basis, are obdurately ignoring our recommendations to keep losing, and are stubbornly winning games. This is not English, this is not what we asked for, and as the guardians of the English game, it is high time we called time on this malarkey.”

“Derek Pringle must be rolling over in his grave. In his day, not only were we rubbish, but we were great at being rubbish. They were halcyon days, when medium pacers trundled in to batsmen who were happy to steal singles every couple of overs or so, and chasing 150 over 40 overs was considered stimulating. Especially when you knew we’d never do it.”

“No, this is all wrong,” he muttered, his moustache dripping with angry, sulphuric drool. “We have to put a stop to it.”

The ECB has launched a scheme to help youngsters lose at one-day cricket, entitled “The National Defeatist Cricket Plan”. The document, which calls for the standard of cricket coaching to be lowered imperatively in schools and cricket clubs around the country, recommends that the future of English cricket be left entirely in the hands of men over the age of 80, preferably senile ones.

Part of the document, entitled “How to stop scoring runs”, has been met with derision around the county circuit, particularly in Yorkshire, where the art of not scoring any runs is ingrained. Geoffrey Boycott lambasted the ECB saying “they’re talking out of their rear ends, this lot. You won’t find anyone in Bradford who doesn’t know how not to score runs, I’ll tell thee that for nowt. If anything, it’s an insult, this bloody document. And what’s all this about running slowly between wickets? Running between wickets? Who does that? Bloody nonsense.”

The ECB has fallen particularly heavy on Kevin Pietersen, citing him as an example of “what not to do” in their 3000-page plan. Lord Petomaine layed into Pietersen for having the audacity to “hit the ball hard”, saying “not only has this South African ruffian had the cheek to score at more than a run a ball, he has actually abandoned his run of poor form which had us at the ECB in such rapturous delight. His technique is absolutely one to avoid if English cricket is to avoid the nightmare of winning one-day games ever again.”
 
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Adamus

Experienced member
1,898 97
Hopefully we can put it right against the Aussies in the final, and perhaps we can carry on from there and avoid actually qualifying for these big tournaments at all. It's quite an embarrassment. We don't even have the excuse of a bankrupt millionaire sponsoring us to detract attention anymore.
 

Adamus

Experienced member
1,898 97
"England are the only one of eight major international sides not to have won an ICC tournament - a miserable run dating back to the first World Cup in 1975."

If we did win of course there would be all sorts of problems, not least of which would be the huge number of fair weather English sports fans who suddenly decide they love cricket.
 

Ambrose Ackroyd

Senior member
2,879 287
Yes, but those pseudo fans actually want England to win.

They are an absolute disgrace in their efforts to deflect England from their losing habit.

Mind you, they will never succeed because in England's case, breaking a losing streak is like trying to clean up a 20 year heroin habit. It is almost impossible to cope with the withdrawal symptons and England, after a few close attempts at winning, always get overcome by the withdrawal symptons they experience through not losing for a couple of games.

It will be the same with the football World Cup this summer. Millions of pseudo English fans will be waving their silly St George flags and actually urging England on to win.

True fans like myself will be cheering for the other teams and urging England to lose at every opportunity.
 

Ambrose Ackroyd

Senior member
2,879 287
In the same vein I shall be hoping that it all goes wrong for Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton in today's Monaco Grand Prix.

In recent years these two drivers have both heaped shame on their country by actually winning the World Championship.

Someone should have a quiet word in their ear and tell them that they are English, and that it is just not the done thing to actually win.

We expect our sportsmen to lose because that is something that we have learnt to do with grace, humility and dignity.

Losers medals are an honour and should be revered.
 

Ambrose Ackroyd

Senior member
2,879 287
So England put in a totally shaneful performance and won the trophy.

Totally disgraceful and very un-English .... the whole team should now be dropped and replaced with true losers.

At least Jenson and Lewis flew the flag for England in Monaco and lost beautifully.

Very well done to Lewis and Jenson.
 

Adamus

Experienced member
1,898 97
It's all the foreigners we have in our team. I'm going to write to Nick Griffin. It's a disgrace.
 
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