Just had a visit from the cops

Car Key Boi

Well-known member
396 8
accusing me of criminal damage at the Queens Park Oval cricket ground in Port of Spain


Oval artwork will be replaced says QP official | The Trinidad Guardian Newspaper

I told them

1. I'm an American so there is no earthly reason for me to go within 50 ft of a cricket ground

2. I have never ever keyed up a painting in my life, it's always been about the cars

3. In any event I'm retried from all criminal activity

4. I have an alibi. At the time of the incident I was on this forum posting crap and even showed them my posts to prove it

in response the lead officer mumbled something along the lines of "yuh could have made dem posts on yuh cellphone, dis eh de last yuh goin to hear from we" and trudged off to climb back into his squad car with me yelling from the balcony "IS THIS HOW IT'S GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON? YUO'RE GOING TO COME KNOCKING AT MY DOOR EVERY TIME SOME LOWLIFE COPYCAT TRIES TO EMULATE THE MASTER KEYER? :mad:
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Mr. Charts

Legendary member
7,370 1,194
Stop victimising The Trinidad One ! He's innocent, ok!?
It was probably that bank si moon guy wot defaces pubic spaces

Car Key Boi

Well-known member
396 8
sorry Mr Charts, I have no idea who bank si moon is. Yuo're going to have to enlighten me.

I know why the Trini cops are victimizing me, they still haven't forgiven me for that time I keyed up one of their squad cars and posted the keying report on my website (see reproduction of that report below) That was almost TEN YEARS ago! I feel like the Cary Grant character in that movie "To Catch A Thief". Cary Grant played a retired cat burglar living it large in the south of France, and every time someone had gotten their jewels stolen, the cops would come calling :(


SUBJECT: 2001 Kia blue and white cop car belonging to the police force of Trinidad & Tobago, what appeared to be left-overs from a roti lunch resting on dash, some sort of official police manual laying on front passenger seat.

OFFENCE: The officer in charge of the vehicle was directing traffic on the corner of a busy intersection in Chaguanas known as 'Busy Corner'. However, he parked his vehicle way too close to the corner itself for my liking, and the vehicle was partly sticking out into the street, even though there was ample room for him to park said vehicle well away from the corner so that it didn't cause an obstruction. It was like he was saying "I'm a police officer, therefore I can park how I want, so **** yuo"

PUNISHMENT: Broke out my favorite Swisstech Utili-Key to nail this asshole. I walked along the sidewalk, weaving in and out of the numerous pedestrians, and got to the edge of the sidewalk to begin my approach to the target. Using the screwdriver head, I walked alongside the vehicle and carved out a nice long, deep scratch, all along the side of the vehicle, from rear tail light to front fender, mostly straight, but violently jaggy at the end, as a deliberate extra little "no, **** yuo, that's what yuo get for parking like an asshole".

BONUS: There was a street vendor stall selling 'doubles' (a West Indian type of burrito) diagonally opposite to where the police car was parked. Several of the local rude bois were liming (Trini slang, meaning to hang out) next to the stall, eating doubles and generally being loud with each other. Unlike the officer, who was still busy up to his neck in traffic, they witnessed my keying attack and broke out into roaring laughter, followed by a round of applause and shouts of congratulations. I acknowledged their salutes and then mingled into the sweet anonymity of the crowd.

Mission accomplished.
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any chance you can do a weekend seminar on keying cars i need to learn the ropes after going on a weekend trading seminar which was shat and i wanna key up the shysters 20 year old Lada Riva that was fronting the seminar

Car Key Boi

Well-known member
396 8
any chance you can do a weekend seminar on keying cars i need to learn the ropes after going on a weekend trading seminar which was shat and i wanna key up the shysters 20 year old Lada Riva that was fronting the seminar

Hi Spammer, below I have reproduced the copy that was originally on the carkeyboi.com FAQ page which contains a few pointers for aspiring master keyers :)

- Car Key Boi
madd with it

Question: Why do you call yourself "Car Key Boi", when by your own admission, you don't actually use a key, instead you use some tool device?

Answer: I do use keys, on occasion, but it's more a matter of tradition than anything. Invariably, the words "some [asshole/cocksucker/mother****er] keyed my ****ing car" find their way into the outraged tirade of the victim, the word "key" is fixed in our lexicon as the definitive term for the act. If yuo must use a key, use a freshly made one, or one yuo've specifically sharpened. No shame in that.

Question: What is your ultimate goal in life?

Answer: The Space Shuttle.

The day I retire is the day I complete my ultimate keying goal - a big, long, wavy scratch all the way down the side of the Space Shuttle. I want to watch NASA TV and hear the countdown announcer say

"T-minus twenty... nineteen... eighteen... pre-ignition sequence for SRBs ... sixteen... ah, camera 3's showing a linear defect in the fuselage ... fourteen... wait - Columbia, we have... awwww, ****! Someone keyed the Space Shuttle! Keyed the ****ing Space Shuttle! Columbia, we're scrubbing the launch! Repeat, scrubbing the launch!"

Then I can retire, and die happy.

Question: Your keying exploits have really inspired me. Do you have any tips for beginners?

Answer: Sure. The first mistake most car keyers make is only bringing keys with them. The protective coatings these days are really, really tough, and only a freshly ground or specifically sharpened key will do it. That's why I recommend having something else on yuor key chain; the Swisstech Utili-Key is an excellent choice - concealable, convenient, and effective - and can also be used for self-defense for the rare occasion when yuo get caught with a keying in progress. Also, the Utili-Key has several different edges, including a serrated, as well as a sharp knifepoint and a broad screwdriver head. If yuo're on a mission and yuo only have unsharpened keys with yuo, find a rock or a piece of glass - these things are far harder than almost any metal, even if they're not as elegant to use. Even a little cube of shattered safety glass can give you a nice, deep scratch. Good luck !

Question: Have you ever keyed a police vehicle?

Answer: Oh yes. It's much, much easier than yuo might think. Cops park often, and when they do, it's usually to do something that requires their attention, e.g. break up a domestic dispute, or snarf down a donut or ten. Also, at a public protest or gathering that requires a lot of police security, there are squad cars parked all over the place, often used as makeshift barriers. ****, it would be hard not to key one in such a compromising position.

Question: Aren't you ashamed that you go about destroying other people's property?

Answer: It's not really 'their' property, at least not after it's been keyed. Because in a way, it'll be mine, too. I'll own it, and when they drive it around town, they'll be working for me - displaying my handiwork on their door panel with every mile they travel. In this sense, I own literally thousands of fine automobiles.
Their ride will me mine until the day they get it repainted. And when they do, I'll be waiting to own it all over again. And again. And again.

Oh, and if yuo ever find a little six-inch line in yuor paint, that wasn't me. When I key yuor car, yuo'll know it.

Question: Is there any type of car that you haven't keyed?

Answer: I'm really ashamed to admit this, but I've never keyed a limo. I hope you won't look too badly on this omission, and I hope to key one soon. The problem with limos is that they don't park for very long; their whole raison d'etre is moving people around, and they stay very busy. The only times you'll find them stationary is in the limo company's lot (which is usually guarded) or at the airport (which is really ****ing guarded). But no car is truly safe from me, and you can expect a limo scratching in a future report. Thanks for writing.

Question: Do you earn money from your keying activities?

Answer: No. Although I'm a 'professional' keyer of cars, I'm only a 'professional' in the artistic sense. I did consider setting up an arrangement with bodyshops everywhere where I would receive $50 kickbacks for every automobile that came to their shop carrying my signature (and my handiwork is like a signature, it's truly unique) Although such an arrangement would have made incredibly rich, I declined not to do so, because it would have made what I do, un-pure.
It's not about money, or about being rich - it's about keying cars.

Question: You really are a ****ing asshole, and when someone catches you, they're going to beat the living **** out of you. Do you really think you're going to get away with this for ever?

Answer: Whom are they going to beat? By the time they find my artwork scrawled into their hood, I'll be relaxing in a nearby cafe, anonymously enjoying their enraged freakout. Hmmm... I'm guessing yuor ride is among the forty or so cars I keyed up last night, and now yuo're just a little bitter? Well, relax. It's not personal. It's not about yuo. It's about yuor car and my key. Not to be rude, but stay out of it, okay? Yuor job is to drive yuor car and have it repainted once a month; my job is to key it. I think that's a fair division of labor.

Question: This is the LAMEST excuse for a website, what the **** is wrong with you? Do you seriously spend your time trawling the streets looking for cars to key? and for what? ****ing asshole!

Answer: Look, when I key yuor car - and I will - don't take it personally. I mean, it's not like I actually know yuo or anything. It's not about yuo. It's about me, and my love of keying up a nice paint job. I'm not sure which I enjoy more - the sense of accomplishment when I finish ripping yuor door panel, step back, and say to myself, "Hey, I did that - nice job!"; or, hearing yuor howls of outrage echo through the parking deck when yuo return to find my handiwork. But either way, it has nothing to do with yuo as a person. So after yuor initial fury and sense of violation, move past it and get the damn thing repainted. Because I'll be waiting to do it all over again.

Question: You're a real artist. Have you ever considered opening up a gallery and displaying all your keying pictures?

Answer: Thank yuo for yuor appreciation. Yuo know, it's every artist's dream to have their work in a museum, but for me, every parking lot in America is like a branch of the Car Key Boi National Gallery.

Question: Do you look out for people who park in handicapped spaces, then get out of the car and walk inside when there is obviously nothing wrong with them? I want to slap the **** out of people who do that. Someone who is actually handicapped might need that space. I consider handicapped to be in a wheelchair or on crutches, not someone who has a bunion on their big toe.

Answer: If there's a handicapped tag, I'll leave it alone. The exception is if the person who gets out of the car is, as yuo say, clearly not handicapped. There's a surprising amount of cheating - people getting handicapped tags who don't need them, just to score the primo parking spaces. When I observe this, I break out my best keying tools and go berserk on their cars - key both sides AND the hood. Almost always, passer-bys look at me in a solemn, nodding satisfaction as I work.
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