Les Dawson
I said to the chemist, 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said, 'Why?' I said, 'She keeps waking up.'
She told me it was her 30th birthday. So I put thirty candles on her cake arranged in the shape of a question mark.
Duck goes into the chemist's shop.
'A tube of lipsol please.'
'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.'
'Put it on my bill, please.'
I said to my wife, 'Treasure' - I always call her Treasure, she reminds me of something that's just been dug up.
She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off the stage she started her own applause.
I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?
Ours is a football marriage, we keep waiting for the other one to kick off
No laughs hey? I know the act smells, but I'm right on top of it and you don't hear me complain.
I was lying in bed the other morning playing a lament on my euphonium when the wife, who was prising her teeth out of an apple, looked back at me and said softly, 'Joey.' She calls me Joey because she always wanted a budgie. She said, 'I'm homesick.' I said, 'But precious one, this is your home.' She said, 'I know, and I'm sick of it.'
And some "Cooperisms":
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'
My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....
Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......
Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
For the scientifically minded.
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu.
But I think it's Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
