my journal

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Yamato

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Mar 22, 2003
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You should go see a psychologist/therapist; Just for fun, i think you'd enjoy it;

Maybe you'd get something out of it also because
- They will listen to you
- Analysis you without you having to use all your mental powers which is exhaustive
- Hyponosis can change your behaviour

:) 'X'
Thank you for your advice. It sounds reasonable. But I already went to see a few psychiatrists, and you're right they do listen to me. They listen, tell me nothing, and expect me to pay them a lot of money. I am not ok with it. I'd rather talk here or write a journal, or talk to one of those friends I keep on the phone for hours. If the guy is an idiot, and usually it's the case, it doesn't matter what degree he got from college. I'll still be talking to an idiot, and having to pay for it.
 

GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
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Thank you for your advice. It sounds reasonable. But I already went to see a few psychiatrists, and you're right they do listen to me. They listen, tell me nothing, and expect me to pay them a lot of money. I am not ok with it. I'd rather talk here or write a journal, or talk to one of those friends I keep on the phone for hours. If the guy is an idiot, and usually it's the case, it doesn't matter what degree he got from college. I'll still be talking to an idiot, and having to pay for it.
I suppose i agree.

:eek: Guess i don't know what would help you, i'm really too inexperienced with life in general to give advice on having a happy and fulfilling life :)

I guess maybe i think i'm a bit like you, maybe not - So i just feel i can relate, at the moment i'm feeling really good and i've done really well with my trading, excercise and gaining muscle, exams(Maybe not exams...), Got a girlfriend i really like even the personality of, planned to travel the world etc but i don't feel fulfilled at all; although i trick myself into thinking that i am. I guess i just don't know what i really want in life; I fear i'm someone who will never be satisfied with what i do and never be able to relax.
 
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Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
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Hey, you definitely are quite mature. I would have never guessed that you were just 18. But the truth is that personality matters much more than culture, age, or anything else. Simply by the fact that you kept on reading my journal, we know that I'm closer to you than to someone else from Italy, my age, who's from my city, who even works at my bank, my height, everything like me... but our personality (which is proved by the fact that you can read what I write without being bored or disturbed in other ways) makes it so that not just you but all others reading this journal, regardless of their other characteristics, are closer to me than most other Italians. That's why something like war between countries is unconceivable, and I feel nothing for my country. Because I know I am much closer to other people across the world, than to random people from my country.
 

GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
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Hey, you definitely are quite mature. I would have never guessed that you were just 18. But the truth is that personality matters much more than culture, age, or anything else. Simply by the fact that you kept on reading my journal, we know that I'm closer to you than to someone else from Italy, my age, who's from my city, who even works at my bank, my height, everything like me... but our personality (which is proved by the fact that you can read what I write without being bored or disturbed in other ways) makes it so that not just you but all others reading this journal, regardless of their other characteristics, are closer to me than most other Italians. That's why something like war between countries is unconceivable, and I feel nothing for my country. Because I know I am much closer to other people across the world, than to random people from my country.
I'm not very patriotic either; i find it logically difficult to care about who wins in football, even though i love playing it... I just can't make myself passionate about who wins, England or Germany, i really don't care = I won't get the rewards, i won't get the trophy, money or women, respect or treatment that the footballers get.

I guess in a way that just indicates how selfish i am! But when i'm @ the pub with my mates and people are screaming when someone misses the goal, i just feel inside; totally different to everyone else and i know this is far to arrogant on my part; but i look around and just think how idiotic everyone is and how that isolates me in not being able to relate to their ignorance, however i'm the problem, not them.

I find it difficult to talk to alot of people; i always feel that are just stupid and idiotic. I think the mind blocks people from the truth and creates more conforting illusions, those educated to know about this and see their own truths don't have the bliss that comes from ignorance. I know though that i would prefer be them, than me, stuck for eternity with annoying re-occuring mind-consuming thoughts.

:) Anyway, your a cool guy Travis, don't let your mind get the better of you.
 

Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
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See? I feel just the same about football and rooting for any team. I've always felt the same as you and yet we never even discussed it here. I don't even try to relate to other people as far as soccer. I feel it's a waste of time to watch it on tv, to play it, to talk about it...

Everything you just wrote applies to me, and probably most of what I write applies to you. It's just how personalities work. They work in such a way that two people far away in age and culture feel the same way about almost everything.

And let me guess, you're atheist as well? Because I am. I bet that most of the people reading and writing on this journal are very close to us in most aspects.

Another term that comes to my mind to describe myself, and probably you as well, is:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/individualist

The very fact of writing a journal is a sign of being an individualist. The fact of not caring about soccer. The fact of trading, too - we try where most others fail. We try where most others do not try simply because they say "if it were possible, then everyone would be doing it, so it ain't possible, so I am not even trying". To us that's a stupid and faulty reasoning, and so we try. This is one of the reason we are all very similar in here, not just me and you but the others.

The fact that we trade sets us apart from others already. If you add to it, the Journal category takes this selection one step further. If you add to it the fact that we're either writing or reading the journal of someone who says he's got one or more personality disorders then you can see how all these parameters select a very small group of people, who all share similar characteristics, just for the simple fact of being here, on page 4 of the journal: sensitive, deep thinking, kind, polite, patient, intellectual... on and on. A guy from the herd doesn't even conceive that he could write a journal, even less read one. A guy from the heard basically barely thinks at all.

The narcissist (in the psychological sense), which I am, is the biggest individualist there is, to the point of hurting himself because of it. He never thinks in terms of "us" but always "me". He sees himself at the center of the world. I don't know if I am getting better or worse, but I know what I am at least.

I am not saying everyone hanging out here is a narcissist but most likely most traders, and even more those reading this journal and appreciating it (maybe because it explains to them what they are thinking, or it tells them someone else is thinking the same things), are people who think for themselves and not sheep - they don't like to be told what to think, and they don't take anybody's word for it, unless they first test it by themselves. I've been given systems before. I've never used any. I had to do it all by myself. Even at the start, I trusted my own simple ideas better than anyone else's advice. That's why I can't read books on trading, nor anything else, but I could write them. That's why I can't go to the psychiatrist without thinking they're idiots, but I could talk as if I were one (like I am doing here).

Basically, it's a mess. It's complicated to explain and to tell which are my flaws and problems, and which are my qualities. As I said, being obsessive may very well be one of the qualities. And so being an individualist.
 
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GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
53
See? I feel just the same about football and rooting for any team. I've always felt the same as you and yet we never even discussed it here. I don't even try to relate to other people as far as soccer. I feel it's a waste of time to watch it on tv, to play it, to talk about it...

Everything you just wrote applies to me, and probably most of what I write applies to you. It's just how personalities work. They work in such a way that two people far away in age and culture feel the same way about almost everything.

And let me guess, you're atheist as well? Because I am. I bet that most of the people reading and writing on this journal are very close to us in most aspects.

Another term that comes to my mind to describe myself, and probably you as well, is:
Individualist Definition | Definition of Individualist at Dictionary.com

The very fact of writing a journal is a sign of being an individualist. The fact of not caring about soccer. The fact of trading, too - we try where most others fail. We try where most others do not try simply because they say "if it were possible, then everyone would be doing it, so it ain't possible, so I am not even trying". To us that's a stupid and faulty reasoning, and so we try. This is one of the reason we are all very similar in here, not just me and you but the others.

The fact that we trade sets us apart from others already. If you add to it, the Journal category takes this selection one step further. If you add to it the fact that we're either writing or reading the journal of someone who says he's got one or more personality disorders then you can see how all these parameters select a very small group of people, who all share similar characteristics, just for the simple fact of being here, on page 4 of the journal: sensitive, deep thinking, kind, polite, patient, intellectual... on and on. A guy from the herd doesn't even conceive that he could write a journal, even less read one. A guy from the heard basically barely thinks at all.
Yeah :) Totally agree.
The question is whether being in the herd is better after all.


Yes i'm athiest; in some ways i wish i could get over my negative attitudes about God and the lack of logic and the clear fact that he doesn't exist; and just be a christian and have blind hope and faith and the other benefits that come from that... But i think for me to be able to revert to Christianity would mean i would have totally changed my entire thinking approach to just about everything i know.

I suppose i always have the problem of looking at the negatives; if i'm watching television; somehow i annoy myself by how the **** the editing in a problem is or how bad an idea a program is. For example Strictly come dancing, i spent the entire time talking out loud saying that i genuinely cannot think of a worse idea for a television program and then after i think to myself that my views are so negative; that i probably couldn't do better myself. In reality though; in my mind anyway, i could make a much better tv program... Maybe my lack of satisfaction in life is due to having strong opinions on everything without having any sort of standing/qualifications/skills to prove that i can do a better job.

Are you genuinely diagnosed with personality disorders or are you self-prescribed?
I've never really considered whether i have one; I'm so down to earth in my thinking that i have never considered i may have a psychological disorder beyond stubborness and emotions.

I think its interesting that your into movies because i very much am too; i think its because its one of the few times i can get away from thinking too much about everything :)

Whats your views on music? Interested to see if they are similar to mine :p

The thing about Narcissism; which i just googled; is that previously unaware of my problems, i thought that i was naturally good at everything and could do everything better myself; now i'm starting to realise that my brain creates an illusion of how good i am at things... Therefore when i lose/fail; its harder because i had such large expectations based on that illusion. At the same time though; i do genuinely think i'm good at things and it annoys me when things don't gratify that... For example; School work - I knew i was good and then they gave me a bad mark, i couldn't accept that i needed to improve, i would just tell myself that they are a **** teacher who can't mark... I guess i assume the worst in everybody and assume total trust in my own ability - Rightly or wrongly. Similar to your psychiatrist example; i went to the doctors to check up on something and they diagnosed me and i knew they were wrong... I had done my own research and i knew they were wrong in their diagnosis; Not that i know anything about the medical proffesion but i just always assume the worst in peoples abilities and feel that i can do most things - I think overall its bad. My brothers the same too :)

You say 'You could talk as if you were one' A psychiatrist; Sorry if my spelling is bad. I always feel like that about most things; I may not have the first clue about psychology but i always feel i naturally know the answers because i can logically figure them out... I think overall it just stunts further education in a subject through not having an open mind.

I've also always had a lack of empathy; when i see things on the news that others get really sad for; i just feel because its on the TV and that it has nothing to do with me, that i have trouble feeling sorry for them. For example; On the BBC all the time is stories of young men injured in war; i cannot feel sympathy because i cannot get past my own philosophy; Which is that if you go to a war and accept the rewards, you know the risks include death and if this is a consequence so be it, your the one that took that risk, not me; Therefore i cannot feel sorry for these men... If i went to war and died i would have taken that risk into consideration before going and i wouldn't expect sympathy, especially when they are fighting for reasons they as soldiers do not understand. I do think to myself that 'these poor men dieing from bombs' but i find it hard to empathise with their pain; i cannot get over the fact they took the risks and they deserve the consequences. I wish i could not feel like that though.
 
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GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
53
Oh and Travis; I payed someone to make me an automated system... I want to learn how to do it myself, to backtest systems - Make them, test them; All that stuff :)

Any recommendations on how i can learn, books, websites, software? I really have no idea :)
Would really appreciate it? Also do you recommend using indicators for systems or price action or?

Cheers Stallian.
 

Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
9,840
245
123
Yeah :) Totally agree.
The question is whether being in the herd is better after all.


Yes i'm athiest; in some ways i wish i could get over my negative attitudes about God and the lack of logic and the clear fact that he doesn't exist; and just be a christian and have blind hope and faith and the other benefits that come from that... But i think for me to be able to revert to Christianity would mean i would have totally changed my entire thinking approach to just about everything i know.

I suppose i always have the problem of looking at the negatives; if i'm watching television; somehow i annoy myself by how the **** the editing in a problem is or how bad an idea a program is. For example Strictly come dancing, i spent the entire time talking out loud saying that i genuinely cannot think of a worse idea for a television program and then after i think to myself that my views are so negative; that i probably couldn't do better myself. In reality though; in my mind anyway, i could make a much better tv program... Maybe my lack of satisfaction in life is due to having strong opinions on everything without having any sort of standing/qualifications/skills to prove that i can do a better job.

Are you genuinely diagnosed with personality disorders or are you self-prescribed?
I've never really considered whether i have one; I'm so down to earth in my thinking that i have never considered i may have a psychological disorder beyond stubborness and emotions.

I think its interesting that your into movies because i very much am too; i think its because its one of the few times i can get away from thinking too much about everything :)

Whats your views on music? Interested to see if they are similar to mine :p

The thing about Narcissism; which i just googled; is that previously unaware of my problems, i thought that i was naturally good at everything and could do everything better myself; now i'm starting to realise that my brain creates an illusion of how good i am at things... Therefore when i lose/fail; its harder because i had such large expectations based on that illusion. At the same time though; i do genuinely think i'm good at things and it annoys me when things don't gratify that... For example; School work - I knew i was good and then they gave me a bad mark, i couldn't accept that i needed to improve, i would just tell myself that they are a **** teacher who can't mark... I guess i assume the worst in everybody and assume total trust in my own ability - Rightly or wrongly. Similar to your psychiatrist example; i went to the doctors to check up on something and they diagnosed me and i knew they were wrong... I had done my own research and i knew they were wrong in their diagnosis; Not that i know anything about the medical proffesion but i just always assume the worst in peoples abilities and feel that i can do most things - I think overall its bad. My brothers the same too :)

You say 'You could talk as if you were one' A psychiatrist; Sorry if my spelling is bad. I always feel like that about most things; I may not have the first clue about psychology but i always feel i naturally know the answers because i can logically figure them out... I think overall it just stunts further education in a subject through not having an open mind.

I've also always had a lack of empathy; when i see things on the news that others get really sad for; i just feel because its on the TV and that it has nothing to do with me, that i have trouble feeling sorry for them. For example; On the BBC all the time is stories of young men injured in war; i cannot feel sympathy because i cannot get past my own philosophy; Which is that if you go to a war and accept the rewards, you know the risks include death and if this is a consequence so be it, your the one that took that risk, not me; Therefore i cannot feel sorry for these men... If i went to war and died i would have taken that risk into consideration before going and i wouldn't expect sympathy, especially when they are fighting for reasons they as soldiers do not understand. I do think to myself that 'these poor men dieing from bombs' but i find it hard to empathise with their pain; i cannot get over the fact they took the risks and they deserve the consequences. I wish i could not feel like that though.
I will reply as I read.

You sound very intelligent. You see, if you are intelligent and mature, you can reason better than other people regardless of age or anything else. I am sure you already knew that. Probably your parents passed on to you many of their good qualities: maturity, culture, intelligence.

I am self-prescribed with personality disorders.

Movies: yes, me, too. The good ones make me forget about my own thinking or criticising.

Music: over the years I have selected about 1000 of my favorite songs, and I put them on a dvd, and give them to people and tell them "these are the best songs ever written", and I almost feel like I wrote them.

Personality disorders: you can find many tests and resources online, even on wikipedia. And they can give you a better diagnosis than the average psychiastrist, who won't even start telling you about it ever or before you've given him maybe a few thousand dollars (not that I went to one for more than a few sessions).

School and grades: I had a similar attitude. When they gave me a bad grade, I stopped studying for that class, and "failed" the teacher, as if I said "this teacher is no good, because he can't appreciate me". I do the same with people: if someone doesn't like me, I fail them as well. I think that to some degree everyone does it.

Assuming the worst in everybody: yes, me, too. But it's just because I was brought to do things so meticulously that actually the majority does them worse than me, so it is a reasonable expectation.

Anyway, take a few of those online tests for personality disorders, and see that many things will qualify for narcissistic personality disorder. Or maybe not. I qualify almost completely. "Control freak" is another description of the problem, very close to "narcissistic personality disorder". But you know, maybe you don't have a problem. The problem is when it inteferes with your functioning and it makes you unhappy like in my case. If you can relate to people, be relaxed, and feel serene, then there's no problem I think, and then I don't think you have any disorder. Basically, do people perceive you as balanced or not? I am not perceived as balanced, nor do I perceive myself as balanced. All these addictions I have, especially my behaviour in trading, shows that there's something wrong, and that I haven't been able to fix it so far. On the other hand we also have to realize that we might be facing, as traders, situations of pressure (you're deciding your whole future with your trading choices), that would throw many people off balance.




You say 'You could talk as if you were one' A psychiatrist; Sorry if my spelling is bad. I always feel like that about most things; I may not have the first clue about psychology but i always feel i naturally know the answers because i can logically figure them out... I think overall it just stunts further education in a subject through not having an open mind.
I feel like I sound like an expert in everything I say. I may sound cocky or even ignorant, but I always feel that I've become enough of an expert to be opinionated and say "it is like this". Maybe I won't say much, but I will only say it if I am positive. 1+1=2. That's how positive I have to feel about something before I say it, regardless of my adding constantly "maybe" and "probably", which is just a ruse to be right all the time. If I didn't say "maybe" I would risk not being right, in case I said something wrong. And I realize that sometimes I say something wrong, even if at the time of saying it I feel that i am positive about it.



Lack of empathy: exact same thing for me. As I said, I feel that I am at the center of the world. I can't feel empathy. I tried to find out why one becomes like this, but it's long. However, the explanations they give on the web sound good to me: either too much attention, or too little attention when growing up. I was told I had to be the best, and yet I was also told I sucked because I wasn't succeeding at being the best. Maybe some coaches may sound like my dad, when they try to push their athletes to try as hard as possible - at least that's how they sound in movies.


Your "signature":
The markets are the most competitive place in the world. Yet success requires the least competitive mindset in the market. The market thrives by taking money off the majority; the competitive, egotistical and then dividing it between those that accepted the reality of their abilities and the markets movements and predictability and didn't associate pride with the process.
Pride in the process: big problem I have. Being individualist and narcissist and so on goes along with pride. That could be another explanation of why I failed for so many years at discretionary trading.
 

Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
9,840
245
123
Oh and Travis; I payed someone to make me an automated system... I want to learn how to do it myself, to backtest systems - Make them, test them; All that stuff :)

Any recommendations on how i can learn, books, websites, software? I really have no idea :)
Would really appreciate it? Also do you recommend using indicators for systems or price action or?

Cheers Stallian.
This is funny. After all we said, how could I recommend any books? I didn't read any. Actually only Walkenbach's manuals on excel, because I wrote my systems on excel (many years of work). But I only read them at work, because I had nothing to do. It was like being in jail: I couldn't leave and I had nothing to do. Otherwise I never would have read anything. Also, a whole book, but very short, that I recently read - but it didn't teach me anything, as it just satisfied my curiosity - it E.P.Chan's book on automated trading systems. On chapter 8 he tells something I've always wondered about: how is it possible that a guy like me, from home, with little money, no scientific college degree (like engineering or so), can outperform by so much banks, hedge funds and so on? Capacity and other reasons. I feel that a part of not succeeding is in not believing it's possible. Despite the fact that i started simply because others told me it was impossible, I still had to make the step of actually believing myself that it was possible, and I am still having a hard time with it. I am asking myself all the time "how is it possible? how can I make it? how can it be so easy?".

On the web, what I do recommend very much is the best forum for automated trading, which is:
Forums - Automated Trading

I do recommend also to open an account with Interactive Brokers, but on the other hand I have no idea about what the other brokers are offering. But go with quantity. Wherever there's a lot of customers, things work better. At least with brokers. Of course I am talking about other requirements as well. But if they both have the reqs then go with the one that has the most customers. Just my (not-so-humble) opinion.

I don't feel like telling you all the ideas I am using. But I can tell you this: don't focus on making one perfect system, because it won't happen (you'll waste years trying in vain), and in the meanwhile - or even faster - you can just make 50 pretty good systems. Then use them all together, on the same capital, and you'll make a fortune - that is, if you can just let them run by themselves, and trust them, something that might not happen for a whole year (regardless of whether you have an addiction to trading or not).

Then again, if you are similar to me, you won't listen to any of my advice, or even will do the opposite to make sure that you're not missing out on anything.
 

GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
53
This is funny. After all we said, how could I recommend any books? I didn't read any. Actually only Walkenbach's manuals on excel, because I wrote my systems on excel (many years of work). But I only read them at work, because I had nothing to do. It was like being in jail: I couldn't leave and I had nothing to do. Otherwise I never would have read anything. Also, a whole book, but very short, that I recently read - but it didn't teach me anything, as it just satisfied my curiosity - it E.P.Chan's book on automated trading systems. On chapter 8 he tells something I've always wondered about: how is it possible that a guy like me, from home, with little money, no scientific college degree (like engineering or so), can outperform by so much banks, hedge funds and so on? Capacity and other reasons. I feel that a part of not succeeding is in not believing it's possible. Despite the fact that i started simply because others told me it was impossible, I still had to make the step of actually believing myself that it was possible, and I am still having a hard time with it. I am asking myself all the time "how is it possible? how can I make it? how can it be so easy?".

On the web, what I do recommend very much is the best forum for automated trading, which is:
Forums - Automated Trading

I do recommend also to open an account with Interactive Brokers, but on the other hand I have no idea about what the other brokers are offering. But go with quantity. Wherever there's a lot of customers, things work better. At least with brokers. Of course I am talking about other requirements as well. But if they both have the reqs then go with the one that has the most customers. Just my (not-so-humble) opinion.

I don't feel like telling you all the ideas I am using. But I can tell you this: don't focus on making one perfect system, because it won't happen (you'll waste years trying in vain), and in the meanwhile - or even faster - you can just make 50 pretty good systems. Then use them all together, on the same capital, and you'll make a fortune - that is, if you can just let them run by themselves, and trust them, something that might not happen for a whole year (regardless of whether you have an addiction to trading or not).

Then again, if you are similar to me, you won't listen to any of my advice, or even will do the opposite to make sure that you're not missing out on anything.
Thanks for the response Travis. I think the diversification of systems is a good idea; having a range that incorporate the possibility of different market condition. I think thats what i will focus on; having sub-categories of different moves i will aim to catch and then having all the systems running at once so that i can catch ranging and trend days :)

This may seem a bit weird; but as i can relate to you so much, i value your ideas as much as i do my own because to some extent i consider you an older version of myself and therefore it is within my capacity to accept that your ideas are probably better/more developed than my own. :) I have some ideas though about systems and how to catch different market conditions so hopefully its fun making the 'Money-making machine'.

I know asking for your book recommendations was ironic, but personally while i'm an extreme critic, i do read books that explain how to actually factually do something, like how to use excel for example :) I also read books on trading, with the satisfaction coming from my own criticisms of how bad some of the ideas are rather than a focus on learning - God, i'm terrible.

Anyway; Cheers for the advice :eek:

I took some tests; would seem i have Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Its interesting because supposedly narcissitic behaviours are a cover up for a deep self-loathing.

Anyways; Laters Travis, i'll make some systems best i can! x
 

Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
9,840
245
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But you are more mature/better version of me because you don't seem to be affected by compulsive gambling addictions. I am glad we are both disturbed in the same way - we can share some more experiences. But one comment: if you don't have any negative aspects of the disorder then maybe you don't have it after all. It has to ruin your daily life. You know, I also read that as teen-agers everyone goes from one disorder to the other, so it may also be a temporary thing for you. For me it certainly isn't and it does interfere with leading a happy life. I am not happy. I am constantly frustrated. Can you say the same about yourself?
 

GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
53
But you are more mature/better version of me because you don't seem to be affected by compulsive gambling addictions. I am glad we are both disturbed in the same way - we can share some more experiences. But one comment: if you don't have any negative aspects of the disorder then maybe you don't have it after all. It has to ruin your daily life. You know, I also read that as teen-agers everyone goes from one disorder to the other, so it may also be a temporary thing for you. For me it certainly isn't and it does interfere with leading a happy life. I am not happy. I am constantly frustrated. Can you say the same about yourself?
I think, having really only considered i have this 'disorder'; that its too early days to assess whether i have it; one thing is though is that its extremely difficult for me to accept i may have a psychological problem however maybe i do when i really think about my behaviour.
One thing is that i cannot accept criticisms at all and i'm extremely intolerant of most things... I've really tried to get over these factors in trading and i definately have to a certain extent however when i'm not concentrating on my emotions and trying hard to avoid my feelings; in life they are still there as natural tendencies...

Frustration with just about everything i do; from criticizing tv, to playing games and to chatting to people about things... I just get easily annoyed and i'm highly sensitive to others opinions of me; i think it does massively affect my life and what i do and at the moment i'm generally unhappy but i cannot identify the problem... Because technically it would seem i have 'everything going at the moment' yet i feel totally unsatisfied and annoyed inside.
 

Yamato

Well-known member
Mar 22, 2003
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One thing is that i cannot accept criticisms at all and i'm extremely intolerant of most things...
Exactly the same with me.

...highly sensitive to others opinions of me...
Exactly the same with me.

...everything going at the moment' yet i feel totally unsatisfied and annoyed inside...
Exactly the same with me. No matter what others said I had going for me, at any time of my life, I felt bad. But there is one important thing to add: I was looking for my dad's approval and consent to be happy and he never gave it to me. He never told me "good job, now you can rest". I remember when I was 25 and called him from overseas and told him "look, I have a girlfriend, I have a job: I am happy". And he replied "you have no reason to be happy: right now all you have is your health and one never knows how long that lasts". I'd say in my case all my problems derive from having a ******* as a father. Actually I never had any doubts about this. So, unlike you, I totally know the reason for my unhappiness: an unhappy life, due to having a ******* for a father.
 

GladiatorX

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Jun 7, 2009
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My dad has had a huge effect on me; however he has been a great dad, i just think his personality has had negative effects on my personality disorder and made it worse...
:) x

I'm always searching for his approval and now feeling adequate enough.
I've always recieved much more punishment than reward; for example being shouted @ for not putting the bins out on time and then no mention of the binds when i do; a relationship on the basis of me avoiding his anger.
 
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Yamato

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Mar 22, 2003
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Correct. No reward ever. Just punishment for when I do things wrong. And constant criticism for the smallest things. It felt like being in the army with The Great Santini (with Robert Duvall) or like in the movie Officer and Gentleman (with Richard Gere). He's been in the army as well and he became the way he is because of the army I guess. I can't understand how you can say he's a great dad.
 

GladiatorX

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Jun 7, 2009
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Correct. No reward ever. Just punishment for when I do things wrong. And constant criticism for the smallest things. It felt like being in the army with The Great Santini (with Robert Duvall) or like in the movie Officer and Gentleman (with Richard Gere). He's been in the army as well and he became the way he is because of the army I guess. I can't understand how you can say he's a great dad.
Because its not his fault i'm so sensitive; and he has always given me support and provided me with advice and been my mate and joked about; bought me stuff and given me nice things...
I'm someone who always seeks to manipulate peoples opinion about things i'm talking about to make myself feel better; for example if i'm not sure whether i can do something i'll say ' I can do it, can't i?' just trying to get someone to give me some god damn encouragement.

Hes taken me on nice holidays, helped me in things i want to do, like when i went to Thailand, when i started trading, my exams; hes always helped me do things like opening up a trading account before i was 18 and driving me to football practice.

I feel shameful even thinking that he might have had a bad affect on me; but at the same time, all amongst all that; there has been anger @ tiny things; like i'm not joking... He went on Holiday for a week to Greece and i looked after the house and stayed with my older brother; he comes back and the first thing he says is 'Have you mown the lawn?' and i said 'I forgot' and he says '****, you don't give a **** do you, you just don't care, your ****ing lazy' and i get this big feeling of anger inside, but not rage, more like the feeling i use to get when i cried as a child. I went upstairs and he comes up and says 'Who didn't put the ****ing bins outside' and i said again 'I forgot' and he just didn't talk to me for three days - This was recent by the way... He doesn't consider how i feel about the situation; how i feel that i'm been sweared at for not cutting the lawn while my dads on holiday despite my mates wrecking their parents house when they go away. Then, when he decides hes over it; we are watching tv 'Who wants to be a millionaire' and i've always had this thing where i change my mind about the answer, and he jokes that 'Hes saying ABCD, just so hes right' and we all have a good laugh and thats it.

Then we start talking about stuff and being all father-son and i never say anything about how i felt... We joke about and talk about trading...
And thats it.
Its always up to him, how the mood is around the house. If hes mad, everyone else is hiding until he isn't; and if i'm mad and i accidently break my Xbox 360 controller - Then its 'You need to sort out your behaviour, its unacceptable'; and just i can never do anything right...

Right now; we are at the part where he is angry @ me and now i don't know whether i can speak to him or not; I have to wait until hes over it. He also gets angry while i'm trading and it really affects my ability to trade; like not at me, but he'll start shouting down the phone and it brings all my emotions of anger up.

At the same time though; hes always been there for me when i'm having trouble and given me advice on how to approach things, motivated me to succeed.
The difficult thing i suppose is that he doesn't care how i do in things as long as i'm happy; so he doesn't respond when i do well, its just like... But when i do bad, he is angry because he thinks that i have let myself down and that i am unhappy with what i have done...

:) Oh well, in the end, its all my problem and my faults and my sensitivity.

Hes a good dad and he jokes with me and talks to me and regards me, helps me, gives me advice, financially aids me, wants me to do well and listens to what i have to say... My biggest problem i suppose is that i've always been like 'watch this dad' and i always fail and get a weird look.

Suppose the problem is; i have a hunger for approval and appreciation and recognition for my talents... I also get angry without ever putting the anger anywhere but inside; i get limited praise when i do things well and i fear failure. All i've ever tried to do is impress my dad and what i get is mockery, jokes, criticisms on my wrongs, advice and a knew thing is that he says 'Whatever' in a jokey way but it has an affect. Like, i'm been increasing my ability to do loads of press-ups over the years and when i started i could do very little; when i did a decent amount i told him that i'd been doing loads of weights and now i can do loads of press-ups and how good i'm feeling and he says 'Whatever' like that song from America; then we both laugh. :)

I feel extremely guilty about these things; because i cannot fully remember everything and so maybe my analysis is totally unfair.

Wow, i rambling again :) x
 
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Yamato

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Mar 22, 2003
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Oh well, then we're talking about two different fathers. So none of what I said about my dad applies to your dad, or little.

My dad never jokes/joked with me. He's/was always serious and negative and critical. Now he's changing a little bit, but it's pathetic. I mean I resent the past - I can't just say "now you're ok, so you're forgiven for being a ******* my whole life".

I've always felt in the presence of some authority, examining me, always felt under exam when he was around. Just by looking at me he's capable of making screw up something like walking. He's basically a real piece of ****. That's how I feel about my dad.

My father, unlike yours, does not have moments of anger. He's always harsh and negative and unpleasant. Very stable and unpleasant guy. He never loses his temper, but he makes others lose their temper, and pretty much destroys everything that's around him.

"Problem with your sensitivity"? Mmh, that's the only thing that doesn't sound right. If someone offends you, he's a ******* and you ought to avoid him - it's never a problem with your sensitivity. On the other hand, I consider 90% of the population *******s, so maybe there's something wrong with my sensitivity indeed.

i get limited praise when i do things well and i fear failure. All i've ever tried to do is impress my dad and what i get is mockery, jokes, criticisms on my wrongs, advice and a knew thing is that he says 'Whatever' in a jokey way but it has an affect. Like, i'm been increasing my ability to do loads of press-ups over the years and when i started i could do very little; when i did a decent amount i told him that i'd been doing loads of weights and now i can do loads of press-ups and how good i'm feeling and he says 'Whatever'...
Hey, this is not ok either by me. I can relate totally to what you say, and then I'll have to tell you once again that your dad is, just like my dad, a total *******. You do everything to get a praise by him, to try to impress him and you are insecure and need to be praised by people because HE didn't give you enough of it during your life. Because HE refuses to take you seriously. So the problem is indeed him, just like in my case.

I don't want you to have a miserable relationship with your dad because of me now. So feel free to ignore me or talk about something else from now on. We've talked about this long enough. Also, with my attitude I didn't solve anything, so maybe you shouldn't follow my example.

Also, maybe, if you are not a fool and I am not a fool, we owe it to our dads. They ruined our life to make us precise, reliable, efficient, but thanks to that, we're not fools. Probably they focused on our survival rather than our happiness. Was it worth it? My dad had a tough life. He drilled me like a sergeant as a consequence. My life sucked. I don't know if it was worth it. Somehow he succeeded at making me a perfectionist, always alert and so on. But he also made me a sick and unhappy maniac. Do we have to be sick perfectionist maniacs or can we lead a safe life just by being easy-going? I don't know. It's very debatable. Lead a happy life and maybe you're distracted and get run over by a car, or lead an alert and sad life and never risk getting run over by a car? I don't know. I can tell you this. I am alert and I am unhappy. Also, look up "control freak". It gets passed on in generations. Maybe we all are affected by that disorder, which is close to NPD (Narciss.Pers.Dis.)
 
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GladiatorX

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Jun 7, 2009
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Oh well, then we're talking about two different fathers. So none of what I said about my dad applies to your dad, or little.

My dad never jokes/joked with me. He's/was always serious and negative and critical. Now he's changing a little bit, but it's pathetic. I mean I resent the past - I can't just say "now you're ok, so you're forgiven for being a ******* my whole life".

I've always felt in the presence of some authority, examining me, always felt under exam when he was around. Just by looking at me he's capable of making screw up something like walking. He's basically a real piece of ****. That's how I feel about my dad.

My father, unlike yours, does not have moments of anger. He's always harsh and negative and unpleasant. Very stable and unpleasant guy. He never loses his temper, but he makes others lose their temper, and pretty much destroys everything that's around him.

"Problem with your sensitivity"? Mmh, that's the only thing that doesn't sound right. If someone offends you, he's a ******* and you ought to avoid him - it's never a problem with your sensitivity. On the other hand, I consider 90% of the population *******s, so maybe there's something wrong with my sensitivity indeed.



Hey, this is not ok either by me. I can relate totally to what you say, and then I'll have to tell you once again that your dad is, just like my dad, a total *******. You do everything to get a praise by him, to try to impress him and you are insecure and need to be praised by people because HE didn't give you enough of it during your life. Because HE refuses to take you seriously. So the problem is indeed him, just like in my case.

I don't want you to have a miserable relationship with your dad because of me now. So feel free to ignore me or talk about something else from now on. We've talked about this long enough. Also, with my attitude I didn't solve anything, so maybe you shouldn't follow my example.

Also, maybe, if you are not a fool and I am not a fool, we owe it to our dads. They ruined our life to make us precise, reliable, efficient, but thanks to that, we're not fools. Probably they focused on our survival rather than our happiness. Was it worth it? My dad had a tough life. He drilled me like a sergeant as a consequence. My life sucked. I don't know if it was worth it. Somehow he succeeded at making me a perfectionist, always alert and so on. But he also made me a sick and unhappy maniac. Do we have to be sick perfectionist maniacs or can we lead a safe life just by being easy-going? I don't know. It's very debatable. Lead a happy life and maybe you're distracted and get run over by a car, or lead an alert and sad life and never risk getting run over by a car? I don't know. I can tell you this. I am alert and I am unhappy. Also, look up "control freak". It gets passed on in generations. Maybe we all are affected by that disorder, which is close to NPD (Narciss.Pers.Dis.)
:)


Thing is Travis; I'm wondering; Is NPD an excuse for our behaviours, is it a disorder, or just the way we are and controlable; can we blame it ?

For example; if i do something self-centred can i say 'I have NPD' or is that just ridiculous and like saying 'i'm greedy *******'.

For example; my intolerance for criticism... Is that BECAUSE i have NPD, or is that because of me, i'm responsable and i act that way.

Do you understand what i mean?
 

Yamato

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Mar 22, 2003
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If we have something and it's making us unhappy, and we don't change it, doesn't that mean that we cannot change it? Wouldn't we change it if we could since it makes us unhappy?

For example, I don't want to change my idea that 90% of people are *******s or idiots. Because that's the truth to me, and I don't want to deceive myself. But I would like to change my compulsive gambling, I would like to change my compulsive scratching my head (I do it several times a day, and cannot stop, but I certainly don't like it). I would like to change my complaining. And I would like to change all the things that make me unhappy. But it's just like hunger. It comes to you, and you can't push it away: you have to eat.

Once again, let me state it clearly: if our way of being makes us unhappy and we don't change it, it means we're unable to change it. Wouldn't you agree with the logic of this reasoning?

Like our writing on this forum, on and on, for days and days, incessantly. Wouldn't be more comfortable to reply once every two days? What do we get from this journal that changes our life? Nothing. And yet I can't leave your posts unanswered and viceversa. So we keep - compulsively - replying to one another. Personally, with regards to this behaviour, I woudl say that I am unable to relax. I don't like this. And yet I do it.

Maybe if we tried very hard we could manage to change 1% of how we are, but then, as soon as we get distracted and have to focus on something else, all the things we put in the closet, come back out and we return to how we were. The cause has to be eliminated. Not the symptom.

I think a good medicine to my problems would be to get praised incessantly for a few months by everyone. It would make me feel very good, and get back to a normal human being. I've been deprived of this my whole life. Just like people who didn't have enough to eat, later hoard food when they can get it. That way I am for praise, so are you, by what you said. We feel, among all the other things, a strong hunger for praise, that needs to be cured. And the medicine is getting praised. The same should apply exactly to all other things we didn't get from our parents when growing up. We weren't taken seriously by our dad? We need a lot of people to take us very seriously. You know that because of how angry you get when people do not take you seriously or criticize you. I feel like I'll never accept one more word of criticism again in my life, from anyone. For me, any criticism, is initially taken very personally. On a forum, unless it's very well phrased, I'll immediately place on my ignore list anyone who criticises me. And on and on... this is fun, even though it doesn't solve very much. I know it because I've been discussing my problems with people for decades.

Also, I gotta mention this tendency I have to... "me, me, me", and "I, I, I..."...which definitely is not fair to everyone else, because it's quite self-centered and selfish, but it's accepted on a journal, because of course what else are you supposed to do if not talking about yourself? Actually it may considered a quality on a journal, if you are good at talking about yourself.

I wish I could be sum it all up... but not easy, except by saying NPD and "control freak".
 

GladiatorX

Well-known member
Jun 7, 2009
905
118
53
If we have something and it's making us unhappy, and we don't change it, doesn't that mean that we cannot change it? Wouldn't we change it if we could since it makes us unhappy?

For example, I don't want to change my idea that 90% of people are *******s or idiots. Because that's the truth to me, and I don't want to deceive myself. But I would like to change my compulsive gambling, I would like to change my compulsive scratching my head (I do it several times a day, and cannot stop, but I certainly don't like it). I would like to change my complaining. And I would like to change all the things that make me unhappy. But it's just like hunger. It comes to you, and you can't push it away: you have to eat.

Once again, let me state it clearly: if our way of being makes us unhappy and we don't change it, it means we're unable to change it. Wouldn't you agree with the logic of this reasoning?

Like our writing on this forum, on and on, for days and days, incessantly. Wouldn't be more comfortable to reply once every two days? What do we get from this journal that changes our life? Nothing. And yet I can't leave your posts unanswered and viceversa. So we keep - compulsively - replying to one another. Personally, with regards to this behaviour, I woudl say that I am unable to relax. I don't like this. And yet I do it.

Maybe if we tried very hard we could manage to change 1% of how we are, but then, as soon as we get distracted and have to focus on something else, all the things we put in the closet, come back out and we return to how we were. The cause has to be eliminated. Not the symptom.

I think a good medicine to my problems would be to get praised incessantly for a few months by everyone. It would make me feel very good, and get back to a normal human being. I've been deprived of this my whole life. Just like people who didn't have enough to eat, later hoard food when they can get it. That way I am for praise, so are you, by what you said. We feel, among all the other things, a strong hunger for praise, that needs to be cured. And the medicine is getting praised. The same should apply exactly to all other things we didn't get from our parents when growing up. We weren't taken seriously by our dad? We need a lot of people to take us very seriously. You know that because of how angry you get when people do not take you seriously or criticize you. I feel like I'll never accept one more word of criticism again in my life, from anyone. For me, any criticism, is initially taken very personally. On a forum, unless it's very well phrased, I'll immediately place on my ignore list anyone who criticises me. And on and on... this is fun, even though it doesn't solve very much. I know it because I've been discussing my problems with people for decades.

Also, I gotta mention this tendency I have to... "me, me, me", and "I, I, I..."...which definitely is not fair to everyone else, because it's quite self-centered and selfish, but it's accepted on a journal, because of course what else are you supposed to do if not talking about yourself? Actually it may considered a quality on a journal, if you are good at talking about yourself.

I wish I could be sum it all up... but not easy, except by saying NPD and "control freak".
Yeah; I take criticsms very personally... I wish i didn't but fundamentally; a criticism is a reflection of that persons judgement of what your doing... They may be trying to make you improve, which effectively means at the moment they are saying that you aren't very good... I wish i could just take criticisms and try to improve on what people say i need to improve on; but instead i just feel defensive and that they are unjustified and thats its unfair that they haven't seen my qualities yet tell me of my wrongs.

Wish when someone criticized me that i could take on board what they are saying and improve myself; but instead i just feel personally hurt... I think its because there is never a balance of criticism and praise and therefore criticism is just ANOTHER reminder of how bad i am @ things; despite me thinking i'm quite good. Furthermore, my lack of self-acceptence makes it even worse, i'm not happy with who i am and then ive got people telling me that at the moment i'm not doing so good... When really i just want to hide from who i am - Every criticism is a reminder that i'm not changing myself and getting closer to being someone else, someone happier and less negative and less analytical.

Its like fat people, they are unhappy being fat and all they want to do is hide from the fact they are fat and hide from any emotions and bad feelings they have regarding their weight; yet constantly people are telling them to lose weight; making them more fearful of facing it.

I too, even on forums can be easily offended... I can pretend that i don't care but usually i'm quite easily hurt when someone calls me a ****** or something; in real life i'm want to just smack them, but ofcourse i wouldn't, i'd be too full of anxiety to react.

:)

The irony at the moment is that i'm on YOUR JOURNAL, talking about ME and my PROBLEMS. I'm really that pathetic that i seek for understanding on someone elses journal.

I guess its comforting to talk about your problems because it almost sets an excuse for your behaviour and frustration, allows you to try vent some of the frustration and find someone who understands and listens, and ironically for us - Talking about ourselves is ofcourse gratifying, given that we're self-centred. So maybe it doesn't help at all, maybe it re-enforces the behaviours - Maybe not talking about our problems and not thinking about ourselves and our reactions would be a better potential solution :)
 
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