my journal 2

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Re: tomorrow I might skip work

Why don't you start telling him stuff, man? Just take the opposite view to any of his opinions, whatever, it doesn't matter.

I remember a friend of mine was into "family therapy" and he had all these stories about the therapy groups he went to and the stuff the other people came out with, but one thing he said that stuck in my mind is that you have to gently push your father, with respect, to the position below yourself in the family heirarchy. Because he's getting older and will enter his "second childhood" and you or your generation will become the carers. Unfortunately I don't remember exactly what he said about how to do that, but it made sense.

I've made it sound like it's advice for someone with a senile dad, but it's something that starts when you reach adulthood and stops when he reaches senility.
 
Yeah, I've been telling him stuff and arguing with him all my life, and we've been yelling at one another, even lately at least once a year. But here's the latest news: now my mom says "we're old and we won't live for long..." so guess what - until now I had to get abused because he was stronger and now I have to be abused because he's weaker. I guess that's the normalcy for my mom, whose philosophy is "show the other cheek".

Just a couple of days ago, he affectionately called me (in Italian) something that sounds like "jackass" or "********", and I told him I resented that. I said "wow, nice way of being nice to someone". He calls my mom "dumb" on a daily basis, and constantly patronizes her.

"Take the opposite view to any of his opinions"? Why do you think they made me stay back in highschool for two years? I've been doing the opposite of everything he tried to force me to do. That's why now I can't help being a chronic rebel, with all authority figures. I actually enjoy breaking rules and standing up to people (as long as I don't risk getting hurt physically).

What you are saying about "becoming the carer" applies to some families and it doesn't apply to other families. Let's say your father is a boxer - ok, that would probably be the case, because by the time he's 50, he probably won't be self-sufficient, provided that he's still alive. Let's say instead that your father is the Pope - he will hold the power until the end and you will never the carer. Or also let's say your dad is Bill Gates, or Bill Clinton: things are different. You stay a child your whole life.

But thanks for reasoning it out with me, because some feedback is always appreciated.
 
near-relaxation experience

Wow, I don't know if it was this herbal medicine called "Eschscholzia" or xanax but for once I almost felt relaxed and fell asleep like normal people. It was 2 pm, I had come back from work early, because I was tired. The neighbour was being loud as usual, and his mom was singing some even louder lullaby (he's one year old, but the mom is an idiot - she's louder than him). I had my laptop on my stomach and within 10 minutes of taking xanax and the other thing, I just fell asleep like a stone and woke up an hour later, removed the laptop from my stomach, and went back to sleep for another 3 hours. Usually I can't fall asleep even if the lights are off and my laptop is turned off. I never fell asleep my laptop on my chest. You need a miracle medicine to do that to me.

Two months ago, I wrote here that xanax sucks, because it ended up making me forget words when I wrote posts, within just three days of taking it. But if I'll be able to only take one drop during emergencies it will be the best drug I ever took. I could take it in the morning, like today, when I wake up at 5 am, and can't go back to sleep.

Just like with trading, I must try to not ruin everything with my addictive and compulsive behaviors, whereby I'd over-trade and take xanax all the time. Today it was totally useful. Provided that it was xanax and not the other thing.
 
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wow... actually feeling good today

Apart from the fact that I went to the other room and that new guy was staring at me, while I was talking to the boss, something that always bothers me - when people stare at you for no reason. That totally rude mother ****er - I wish he just died... whatever he's doing he stops doing it the minute I walk into that room and starts staring at me. One of these days I will lose my patience and say "what the hell are you staring at?". Or maybe I could show him the middle finger. Or maybe I could bring a weapon with me and threaten to shoot him if he keeps on staring at me. I mean - I don't want to look paranoid, but he's being rude, no doubts about it. Whether he knows it or not, it's a rude behaviour.

Anyway, apart from that, I am feeling really good today, because that xanax and that other drug knocked me out last night and I was able to sleep well and be fully rested today. Still no side effects. If you're going to use it for just 24 hours, it is really a miracle drug. I suppose I will be seeing some ugly side effects soon. But if you have to be rested tomorrow, for just one night, it's really effective. There's no doubts about it.
 
Re: wow... actually feeling good today

I think you must really think you're messed up because of your dad. The truth is that you are just normal. Most people have exactly the same issues as you. Alot feel their dad has messed up their life. Then they grow up and do their own thing and learn to ignore that person. You still live in their house, thats your problem. You act like you have no choice but you always do. I think you will find he will respect you more and may even listen to you if you did move out. You have a very weak personality and i think you need help or just grow some balls. Stop blaming others for your lack of self belief and ability to control your gambling urges. I think everyone who reads this must think you're pitiful. Why would you want to come across like his? Those people who live carelessly have one thing i want, the ability to make friends easily and talk them into and out of any situation. They are usually the most successful ones. Quit trading. Find something else to make money, just dont trade. Even in your discretionary trading you risk far too much compared to your account. You are not discretionary trading you are just going balls deep. You dont have enough money to play discretionary to keep you happy. I risk 1% per trade. I have no emotion towards it what so ever. I bet you feel that if you had too much you would lose it all. I've gambled 2k, but 1% is only 20 GBP and i'm not happy with that, so whats the point and if i gambled 5% at a time, theres a good chance i would lose it all. You need at least 20k before you should trade the size you do.
 
Yeah, good remarks. You make some pretty bold statements, but, incredibly, I am not offended, maybe because I see you provided some intelligent content, took the time to understand me and don't just utter random insults. In most respects I don't have a weak personality, but most of your points are meaningful and I will somehow benefit from reading your feedback (maybe in the future I'll think some more about it). Regarding "looking pitiful" or not, it shouldn't concern me. This is a journal and my concern is speaking my mind - not looking good. I've never been concerned about looking good - or at least much less than regular people. I tend to consider such a concern as superficial - to worry about what people think of me. The way I see it is that whoever doesn't appreciate me is an idiot. If anything I try to look my worst, and those who can't see my qualities through that, are the idiots, whom I don't want to rely on from the start. I want to see immediately who those idiots are, so sometimes I make an effort to say something provocative that will get a "you're weird" reaction and so find out if I'm talking to an idiot or not. So in a sense I even would want to look "pitiful", in order to see who the good people are, who'd help the "pitiful", who'd be sensitive - and who is superficial, careless and thinks in terms of "cool" and "loser". I only want to hang out with a minority of people, because the majority are idiots, and especially I don't trust crowds. When you put idiots together, they become even more stupid.
 
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Yeah, good remarks. You make some pretty bold statements, but, incredibly, I am not offended, maybe because I see you provided some intelligent content, took the time to understand me and don't just utter random insults. In most respects I don't have a weak personality, but most of your points are meaningful and I will somehow benefit from reading your feedback (maybe in the future I'll think some more about it). Regarding "looking pitiful" or not, it shouldn't concern me. This is a journal and my concern is speaking my mind - not looking good. I've never been concerned about looking good - or at least much less than regular people. I tend to consider such a concern as superficial - to worry about what people think of me. The way I see it is that whoever doesn't appreciate me is an idiot. If anything I try to look my worst, and those who can't see my qualities through that, are the idiots, whom I don't want to rely on from the start. I want to see immediately who those idiots are, so sometimes I make an effort to say something provocative that will get a "you're weird" reaction and so find out if I'm talking to an idiot or not. So in a sense I even would want to look "pitiful", in order to see who the good people are, who'd help the "pitiful", who'd be sensitive - and who is superficial, careless and thinks in terms of "cool" and "loser". I only want to hang out with a minority of people, because the majority are idiots, and especially I don't trust crowds. When you put idiots together, they become even more stupid.

Travis, some people should not be trading at all, and unfortunately i think you are one of them. Perhaps give it another go when you've resolved your psychological issues, however until then your problems will only be played out in your trading/gambling. The time has come to admit this to yourself i believe.
 
That's right. This journal was useful in making me realize my compulsive gambling problem. I haven't been trading for almost two weeks nor have I wired any money to my account. I don't think I can trade discretionary, because the gambling urges are too strong to resist for me. Also, if I can't refrain from trading discretionary, I can't even trade automated - but I will keep on trying to be successful with automated trading. And therefore I will also continue writing this journal because I am still a trader.

However, it's strange to hear you say "some people", when in fact everyone says that 90% of people cannot trade profitably, so it would be more normal to say "most people should not be trading at all".
 
That's right. This journal was useful in making me realize my compulsive gambling problem. I haven't been trading for almost two weeks nor have I wired any money to my account. I don't think I can trade discretionary, because the gambling urges are too strong to resist for me. Also, if I can't refrain from trading discretionary, I can't even trade automated - but I will keep on trying to be successful with automated trading. And therefore I will also continue writing this journal because I am still a trader.

However, it's strange to hear you say "some people", when in fact everyone says that 90% of people cannot trade profitably, so it would be more normal to say "most people should not be trading at all".

The reason i said "some" is because certain psychological traits (OCD, addiction, stubbornness, large ego, martyrdom) which some people have ingrained to the core of their being, are the worst possible characteristics to possess in a game without any rules, the possibility of unlimited losses and where no one will tell you to stop. Most people will have some of these traits to a degree, and the ones who've managed to correct themselves will thrive, however the extreme cases, where there's an unwillingness and inability to change, in my opinion should not trade whatsoever, and i believe you are in that category. I apologise for my bluntness.
 
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Hey, no problem, the whole diary leads to this point you just made - I even wrote this in my profile almost a year ago. Even look at the videos I posted in my profile, about compulsive gambling.

I've been losing money for 13 straight years. I don't like quitting, but I like losing money even less, so at the moment I'll have to stop discretionary trading because I can't handle it. I am not giving up on automated trading though.
 
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cocktail of sleeping pills

I have started to take my sleeping pills cocktail again: melatonin, Eschscholzia, and later I'll take two drops of xanax. It's been working all week.


 
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Re: cocktail of sleeping pills

I still think you can win, but one issue i have which you probably have mentally well absorbed now is making good profits and losing alot. Every time i make 100, i become less and less satisfied with making 100 and want 200, and it continues.. Greed takes place and you want more and more. You can accept losing 1500 pretty well. Alot of people would quit if this happened to them, but you're used to it now. This is a good thing but not at the same time. Being able to take losses well is good, but it also means you are willing to gamble. I still sit on the my view that you should either quit or get some real capital together risk relatively little per trade. You may need like 50k to be satisfied as a starting capital or maybe more. I know you probably think it wont make a difference but my whole family spend like 50% of their income on gambling. Having 3k and risking 1% doesnt work for you and it doesnt work or me.
 
I am glad you see some light for me. I didn't enjoy much the previous post about my weak personality, which is not the case (I think it was you who said that, but sorry if I am confusing you with someone else).

I have developed, thanks to this "pitiful" journal as you (or someone else) called it, a few extra strengths, which I didn't expect at the start. What I really mean in my poor English is that some people here helped me with ideas and with offers.

In fact, the summary right now is that I can't trade discretionary, I can't trade automated - because I resume discretionary, but I think I can trade automated as long as I do it with other people - right now it's working. If I am trading with other people, I will follow strictly the systems (especially if I am trading their money). And this I owe to t2w, so thanks to this forum and its staff. Also I have to thank for the support readers like you, who keep me balanced with their feedback, and occasionally helped me with formulas and even with systems. I developed a few systems thanks to inputs from a reader. I automated an excel drawdown formula thanks to another reader... a lot of good has come from not worrying about looking good.
 
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I am glad you see some light for me. I didn't enjoy much the previous post about my weak personality, which is not the case (I think it was you who said that, but sorry if I am confusing you with someone else).

I have developed, thanks to this "pitiful" journal as you (or someone else) called it, a few extra strengths, which I didn't expect at the start. What I really mean in my poor English is that some people here helped me with ideas and with offers.

I think I can trade with other people - right now it's working. If I am trading with other people, I will follow strictly the systems (especially if I am trading their money). And this I owe to t2w, so thanks to this forum and its staff. Also I have to thank for the support readers like you, who occasionally helped me with formulas and even with systems. I developed a few systems thanks to inputs from a reader. Fixed an excel drawdown formula thanks to another reader... a lot of good has come from not worrying about looking good.

If you dislike me for saying you have a weak personality and you are pitiful then at least you have some fight left, and i'll see it as a good thing.
 
So it was you. Then let me tell you some more, so you can understand the situation better. For you and anyone else who cares.

I am in Rome, at the bank I get paid half of what I would need for rent. How am I going to live on my own.

Secondly, I lived on my own for about 15 years already, mostly overseas. Then I had health problems, tumor, had surgery in my head, and soon after that - after taking a few years off from work - I came to work for a bank in Rome. He was here already, so why should I waste this opportunity.

Now, all my life my dad has demolished my self-confidence. It doesn't matter that he didn't beat me up - it's important how you perceive things. Maybe in another family a dad was beating up two brothers and they came out better than me. They took it better than I took it, being only child. It's not really how objectively you get treated but how you feel you got treated.

I feel I got treated very badly, emotionally. All I got was criticism. Never a good word. Just negativity. He took out all his anxiety and negativity on his family.

So I resent him because I had to study what he manipulated me to make me study, he never helped me achieve my potential, discouraged me from anything I wanted to really do, then later told me I should have rebelled - what an asshole. He never rejoiced for anything good happening in my life. If I told him I was happy about something he usually replied with something to stop me from being happy, because he felt one should not be happy or he'll get some negative surprise: one should always be alert and never celebrate anything. He's total ****ing sick asshole. In my family no birthdays were ever celebrated, just to give you an idea. My mom was always too weak to even side with me. She shows the other cheek - that's her sick philosophy. If one guy gets beaten up, she's sympathise with the guy who beat him up, because he must have had an unhappy childhood. Even if the guy is beating her up. So she always put up with my dad. I am pretty disgusted with her behaviour as well.

On top of this, he had all the power he wanted to actually help me - financially or with his connections - achieve anything, but he didn't. Anything he did, he did to make me go in his direction. You like movies? I don't care: I'll send you on an internship at the European parliament. You like swimming. I don't care: I'll send you to some summer school to learn sailing, or French, or something else.

So certainly I do resent him, and certainly I am not giving up on getting free rent to live under a bridge in order to live my own life.

At once I do exploit him, not feel guilty, and even blame him for all my failures, which he's been pointing out ever since i was a child. He always said I would failed, pointed out my failures and shortcomings constantly, made me totally insecure, and achieved his objective of making me fail. At least now, after the goddamn health problems I had, he could have helped with a decent trading capital. Nope - yes, he gave me some money, a few thousands. But not a big capital, because he is against trading - he says it's immoral. On the other hand he invested his money on his own, on stocks, and lost 30 thousands in like a few months - then never invested again.

That's not all. Any conversation is about him. He doesn't give a **** whatever I think or have to say, and I am lucky if he just talks about some catastrophic event in the world, real or imaginary (like the end of the EURO). Because until recently the conversation was about how great he is and how much me and my mom suck. She's constantly called stupid by him and treated like an idiot, and he's always talked to me with sarcasm until recently. There's enough material to murder the mother ****er. But let's just say that when he wishes me "goodnight", I sleep worse, and would like to reply "**** you" but I can't because I am living in his house.

He's a ****ing asshole, with a military upbringing, a control freak. If he sees a glass which is not at the center of the table, he will tell you or move it in its right place and show how things should be done. He used to fight with my mom for the whole meal about a napkin. He often used to kick us both under the table for something supposedly improper we said, both me and my mom - the rare times we had guests, since the guests were rare due to the house being a mess in his opinion. That moron. You talk to this guy about anything that is on your mind, and he will stare in emptiness, show no reaction, no empathy, making you feel like you are talking to a wall. Then he will resume his lecture about some upcoming world or national catastrophe, that he will help avoid.

I do want to live by myself, but I want to do it right, and not go under a bridge. I need an internet connection and a peaceful place to study my automated systems. Besides, it's not a solution, because as I said, I've been away many years before, and once you've developed a character - whatever it is that I have - it doesn't matter what caused it: you tend to keep it. But yes, you're right, it's easier to change it if you change place, and go to australia for example. However, take Hitler: he must have had a troubled childhood, and then he achieved success. It's not like he became a nice person because all of a sudden he achieved success, right? He just stayed a madman throughout his life. I don't know how to convey what I am thinking, unless you already understood it, more or less. I don't know what kind of an audience I am talking to, not just you, but the others as well. As I said, I already got rid of all the "cool - dude - loser - weird" morons, so I am pretty hopeful I am being understood. Anyway, I've talked enough so I can stop here.

One more thing. You mother ****er. You want to pretend you care about me in front of the relatives at least and in front of me? Then ask me what I want, give me some money, support me for once, and try to make up for all the **** I had to take from you all my life. Give me your money and your blessing for an automated trading career, and give me your blessing to go live in isolation at the house by the beach. But hell no - I have to do things your way again and stay at the bank, because that's the safe thing to do for you. My whole life remote-controlled by you.
 
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Re: cocktail of sleeping pills

I have started to take my sleeping pills cocktail again: melatonin, Eschscholzia, and later I'll take two drops of xanax. It's been working all week.

Be careful with sleeping pills and such.

You may feel great initially, but they are far more addictive than most people know. A few weeks on them may be enough to disrupt natural sleep patterns for a good while and cause addiction. They can also make you (probably temporarily) mentally more confused, as you have fewer dreams, which resolve day-to-day problems (instead you're knocked out).

I'm not saying that there is never a time & a place (after all, they are commonly prescribed for depression and so on), but there is a big difference between a short-term course of treatment vs. on-going usage and its consequences...
 
Yeah, I kind of understand what you mean. However, melatonin is a joke, Eschscholzia is also a joke: they work, but no prescription needed. The only thing that I have to be really careful with is xanax. I better only a couple of drops and only during the work days. In the weekends I will not take anything. It's better to be a little ****ed up than not sleeping. Also, if I am knocked out by pills I behave like an average person, so maybe it's not that bad. My drunk mode is like other people's normal mode. These idiots.
 
I dont think you should expect money off him if he's loaded. I just see your side of the story and he does sound like an ass. Go for results first if you want to convince him to invest in you. It's your own fault your discretionary trading is useless, not his. The only thing he may have done is ruin your ability to know the value of money, but i still wouldn't blame him for that either. Your goals are probably related to your dads wealth, which is always a bad idea and unrealistic. So you werent his ideal son, that's his problem not yours. The world isn't perfect and about a billion people are in the same boat. The best you can do is find something you're both interested in. He doesn't have to listen to your ideas and invest in you because you are his son, even if you think it's a no brainer and could potentially make him a decent living and yourself and he seems like an idiot for not being interested. Same boat. But shouldn't that make you want to be even more successful? I think after 13 years i would lose that drive though, but i think losses have made me better at trading. It doesn't seem to have worked for you. I still have an itchy trigger finger after a losing trade and have opened a few straight away, but i have managed to close them straight after. That ability is a good feeling. Now i dont trade for at least 12 hours after a losing trade. Just shout F**K a few times in your head, laugh uncontrollably and go out and do something. One of the best things you can do is talk to people about losses. Keeping it to yourself is the worst thing you can do. Tell people your every trade, it makes things better.

I was about to write a long prose about my family and how i could relate to you somewhat, and i wrote alot, but i deleted and decided not to divulge in sharing things with people i don't know. That's the same discipline i have developed with trading. In the past i would have posted it straight away without thinking because i wrote so much. If you want to learn discipline, play poker online and only play when you have KK, AA, QQ, JJ and AK. Fold if someone bets when you have KK, QQ, JJ and a higher card comes out. You will win money. It's so stupid that, thats all it really takes to make money on poker, and it's so hard to do that.
 
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