can't sleep
Terrible.
Terrific.
Terrible and terrific at once.
Yeah, I can't sleep. Right. Because I am overwhelmed with emotions, good mostly, but a lot of stress as well, but even happiness is stressful if you're not used to it.
So, here's the news. Major scaling up implemented on the systems, with the agreement of whoever else is working with me. Yeah, because if I were in this alone, by now I would have blown out my account over and over again. Instead, like this, I just can't sleep, but I don't interfere with the systems still, nor with the money management of them.
The scaling up means closer retirement, more money made, and all that.
In fact, I could retire right now if I had everyone's blessing. But I don't. I simply don't make enough to shock them and get their approval. Relatives and family would simply say "the stock market is not a reliable source of income - it could stop at any time", but then again I reply or rather I say to myself "then what am I doing all this for?". It's not like my ambition is to build up capital as my pension fund. The whole point of this thing is that I want to quit my job. And that is the same reason I kept blowing out my account over and over again: I wanted money too badly. Now I still do, but someone else is managing the account and the money management, so I can't harm my own dreams by running too fast.
But there's more to my insomnia.
I recently met a friend, the first friend who ever introduced me to automated trading, or rather "system trading" (for automated trading, it was another friend who helped me with it). He's the one who sent a tradestation cd to me. Without him, I wouldn't have been here now. So we started talking and he wants me to help him code systems for him, as a programmer (yeah, he considers me a "programmer", even though I am a basic vba self-taught programmer). In return I can keep what I learn and I can even share it with whoever it is that I am working with right now.
And here's yet another source of stress. My aunt, one of the aunts I call and complain about my life to, she has a professor friend, who has a son, and this dude is into trading systems just as much as I am. Very intelligent dude. He recently introduced me to the "drop box" software, very good one. Anyway, this guy just started trading 3 years ago, college student still, and he was very excited to hear about my automated trading, so excited that I had to send him and install tradestation (just like I got it ten years ago from the other guy I talked about above). Not only this, but he also formatted and reinstalled (before this) his windows 7 operating system, will do acronis, as i advised, will not use his pc for anything other than trading, and tomorrow he will open an account with IB. Basically he is doing everything I suggested to him, overnight. So... great satisfaction from all these people, but also great stress from having to live up to expectations now that I've accepted to help them and now that, in general, my level of responsibility has risen so much:
1) taking care of 28 rather than 16 systems, and all the work requested and related to these changes (a whole lot of workbooks and tables and charts related to margin requirements calculations and historical performance)
2) getting ready to develop systems for a friend and possibly, if they work (probably the case), implementing those systems for myself, on top of the 120 I already have
3) helping my beginner friend get started with tradestation and IB
This is all useful for my brain and knowledge, all three of them. But it is a bit too much right now. Ideally, I should quit my job at this very moment, so I can face up to this challenge. But I can't do it.
What I can do is skip work tomorrow, and most likely I will do it. Actually I'll do it for sure. Damn. I can't sleep. Of course I won't go. The only question is whether I'll go 3 hours late, or I'll take a whole day off, and then another issue is whether I'll say "sickness" or "vacation". The crazy thing is that they're happier if I say "sick" because as a vacation it would mean insubordination, since I didn't plan it ahead. Instead "vacation" is far more honest than "sickness", because I am not sick but just couldn't sleep. But they usually prefer if I say "sick". Actually it may be different with this boss, who lets me do whatever I want, and is an idiot.
I mean yes, it sounds like I am taking advantage of him, but it's not like this. This is the same guy who's causing me insomnia, and certainly the one who has caused me insomnia for the past 4 months, with the kaizen "continuous improvement" dicks (may they rest in peace, now that they're almost history). Nice and stupid people are good when they're not your bosses. Otherwise it's better to have an asshole as a boss, because at least he's running things properly. Assholes tend to be more intelligent and efficient than nice people. Actually "nice" at the work place is almost a synonym of "stupid", "inefficient" and therefore "danger".
There's nothing I can do about this. If I can't sleep, I can't sleep. It's not like I have to work and don't want to. With sleeping it's different. You just cannot make yourself sleep. And if I don't sleep enough, I just cannot go to work.
It's all ****ed. I don't know what to do, godfather, I don't know what to do...
Great happiness and great insomnia at once.
Tell you what: I am going to watch a ****ing movie. Something related to finance, like haven.
