Best Thread Joke of the day

Balls

Balls

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INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the Urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY OR FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

The smaller your balls become.
 
Question: by DavidCamm
So if old folks are gonna be keeping their jobs where are the young ones gonna get their jobs to be able to pay for the old ones to retire?

Answer: by 0007
The young ones won't need jobs because they will remain in training until retirement / do extended degree courses / put on some new register where you are not working but don't qualify as being unemployed. The school leaving-age will rise to 25 and you will then need a Master's in underwater-basket-weaving to get a shelf-stacking job at Tesco.

:clap::clap::clap:
 
Beat Anorexia

He's a winner?
 

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dash riprock said:
Balls

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The higher you go in the corporate structure,

The smaller your balls become.
Click to expand...

Could it also be also a consequence of " the more, she who must be obeyed, puts on the squeeze" ?
 
Last edited:
Hi Ingot 54 thought I would have a look at this problem from his perspective

INSTALLING A WIFE
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the compliments and bed applications, which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0.
In addition, Wife 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Women’s hour 5.0, Hello Magazine 3.0 and Makeup 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 is simply poor. .
Please note that I have tried threatening to go down the pub etc, to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Girlfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Wife 1.0 is a functional system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me 4.6 and try a bit of Anger 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the applications What can I do for you Darling 2.0 and Heavy Petting 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Wife 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Off to Mum 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 2 is a very bad program, that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Programme. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Out-with-the-Girls 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Girlfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Wife 1.0.
In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory of favours received and cannot learn new applications quickly. Memory can increase exponentially if you try name calling or swearing. Although the extra that she is likely to remember you would rather she would forget.
You might consider buying additional software to improve odediance and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Bub! Tech Support ( Don’t call us, we will be abroad for some time )
 
Marriage Counseling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
 
It is rumoured that a certain Army is employing biologists to mix the genes of turtles, crabs etc with the 2 year old infants of 3rd generation Army families to create a new armoured brigade for future use in conflicts.
Gives a whole new view of Ninja turtles etc.
:cheesy:
 
Does anyone know any good football jokes I can text off to one of my co-workers about Liverpool FC and their poor start to the season.

I'm not really a footy fan but I like to wind him up ( he does it to me )

Thanks in advance

dd
 
My fav Beckham joke

David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy.
Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.
“No, David don’t do it.” Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers….”I’m sorry and I know we can work this out.”
“Shut up and sit back Victoria.” Beckham replies. “You’re next.”

and he's our Captain ??
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
 
One night, the police were staking out a pub, looking for drunk drivers.

Near to closing time, a man staggered out of the pub, propped himself up against a wall, and fumbled for his keys in his pocket.

He then bounced off a car before trying his keys in another car.

They didn't fit.

Bemused, he staggered over to another, and then another.

This went on until there was only one car left in the car park.

Relieved the man got in.

He then fell against the steering wheel, sounding the horn. finally starting the engine.

The car lurched forward in jerky movements before swerving out of the pub, nearly hitting the waiting police car.

Immediately the police pulled him over and asked for a breath test.

To the policeman's shock, the test was clear!

" I...I..don't understand!" exclaimed one police officer.

"It's simple!" said the driver.

"I'm tonight's designated decoy!"
 
Q. How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party?
A. They had all gone short.


Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?
A. Not many of them were willing to go long.


Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?
A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.

Q. Why do Bavarian day traders do better than their competitors
A. They look pretty peculiar without their lederhousen shorts
 
Darth Vader goes into his local branch of HMV. Browsing the pop / rock section he fails to find what he's looking for so he approaches the counter.

Wheezing as per usual, he addresses the nervous looking shop assistant

"DO YOU HAVE A COPY OF GEORGE MICHAEL'S FIRST SOLO ALBUM?" he asks.

After a few minutes of frantic rifling through the drawers behind the counter, and having dispatched the saturday assistant to check in the stock room, all in vain, the trembling answer comes back "No, my lord". Vader grows angry. The other staff and the few remaining customers watch on in horror as he points his gloved hand towards the hapless shop assistant and clenches his mighty fist. She scrabbles in vain, clawing at her constricted throat, legs thrashing below her as he uses the dark side of the force to raise her off the ground. Struggling to justify this apparent failure she chokingly tries to reason with Vader, telling him about their selection of Wham records, and pointing out the fact that 'Listen Without Prejudice" is in the bargain bin at £3.99. All of this falls on deaf ears and if anything only annoys Vader more.

Finally, anger subsiding just a little he lowers her to the ground before uttering the legendary cautionary words in his most menacing voice.....
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING"
 
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