Best Thread Joke of the day

[Pat494]

Who’s the King ?
A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub. As often happens in pubs they began boasting. The lion said “ I’m King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle.” The gorilla said Oh no I’m King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming.”
Both the lion and the gorilla turn to the chicken, who said, “ Roaring and chest beating is nothing compared to what I can do ! I only have to sneeze and 10 million people rush to their doctors !!

 

[ian]

Blond..

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked ?is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is, Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

 

[0007]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?' She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked ?is there a 710 on this car?' She pointed and said, 'Of course, its there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is, Click Here http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

Reminds me of the blonde who wanted to know if it was posssible to buy a car with a bigger dipstick because it was so difficult to get the oil in the hole.

 

[nkruger]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[0007]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Just don't know where you keep getting them from but keep'em coming !

 

[nkruger]

motorway sign

 

[nkruger]

 

[nkruger]

:clap::clap:

 

[0007]

Greek culture

The Greek tourist guide was iterating the benefits handed down from this ancient civilisation, to a group of visiting Italians.

"Ancient Greece gave us democracy, mathematics, science, art, architecture and most of all - they invented sex ........."

At which point an Italian voice from the back says: "T'is_a true, but was_a Italians who introduced it to women."

 

[Vaco]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

'What can I get you?' the bartender inquires.

'I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,' responded the young man.

'6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?'

'Yeah, my first blowjob.'

'Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.'

'No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'

 

[Vaco]

The doctor said,
'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes
your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell
of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the
knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for
the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important
part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt
like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I
need... a new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd
like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,
'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did
you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor
said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, 'How about a new
shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said,
'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves
and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you
know?

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the
shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the
shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe
thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's
see... size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size
34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You
can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New
suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion -
PRICELESS

 

[fibonelli]

Bloomberg.com: Asia

King Dong bursts out of his shorts?
Long Dong squeeze?
Strong dong is wrong?
Too many Dongs spoil the ...?
Who's holding too many dongs?
Long Dong silver to the rescue?

 

[Pat494]

Bloomberg.com: Asia

King Dong bursts out of his shorts?
Long Dong squeeze?
Strong dong is wrong?
Too many Dongs spoil the ...?
Who's holding too many dongs?
Long Dong silver to the rescue?

Ding dong - time for lunch ?

 

[ian]

The talking dog..

A bloke goes to buy a talking dog.

When he gets there, the dog says "Alright mate?"

The guy says " Feckin 'ell, seen it all now."

Dog says "I've won Crufts 5 times, been on t.v. shows, starred in 3 major blockbuster movies,sniffed out explosives in Iraq and run 8 marathons."

The guy says to the owner "So, why are you selling him then?"

The owner replies.....
.
.
.
.

......."Cos he's a lying c*nt"

 

[nkruger]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.


One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.


But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.


After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.


The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.


That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again...


He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.


He said...........



'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

 

[westernforce]

Given the choice between Hilary and the sheep, well.........

 

[yacarob1]

We've just heard that scientists have discovered a meteor heading towards Earth.

They have calculated that it will strike the U.S.A. at around 2:00am tomorrow.

It will completely wipe the U.S.A. from the face of the earth.

We in Britain are faced with a terrible dilemma : should we stay up and watch it live on TV, or record it and watch it after breakfast?

 

[yacarob1]

There's one thing that no American can understand.

Why the Brits built Windsor Castle so close to an airport.

 

[options]

A broker named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said,
Ben: Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.
Jean Paul: Well, then, just give me the money back,
Ben: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.
Jean Paul: OK, then. Just unload the donkey,
Ben: What ya going to do with him?
Jean Paul: I'm going to raffle him off,
Ben: You can't raffle off a dead donkey!
Jean Paul: Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead,
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked,
Ben: What happened with that dead donkey?
Jean Paul: I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898,
Ben: Didn't anyone complain?
Jean Paul: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

 

[yacarob1]

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!