Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
- Watchers 251
trendie
Legendary member
- Messages
- 6,875
- Likes
- 1,433
http://www.trade2win.com/boards/showthread.php?t=26706
(all my own work - inspried by "Rant of the Week" thread)
Ye Olde Daily Mail - circa 1407.
Britain is a pagan country, and always has been.
This country was built on sun-worship and blood sacrifice. Its our tradition.
If it was good for our fathers, and fathers fathers, its good enough for me.
Why cant these foreigners understand that if they want to come here, they need to learn how to drag bloody big rocks from Wales and build henges, with no double-glazing.
We believe in proper religions like fairies, pixies, and burning people in wicker-men.
We don’t want their funny foreign religions about virgin-births, miracles and crucifixions.
I tell you, if we give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.
The whole British culture is changing what these churches all over the place, and priests trying to steal our saturnalia and other festivals.
Mark my words - They’ll be trying to build Jersualem in these green and pleasant lands.
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.
(all my own work - inspried by "Rant of the Week" thread)
Ye Olde Daily Mail - circa 1407.
Britain is a pagan country, and always has been.
This country was built on sun-worship and blood sacrifice. Its our tradition.
If it was good for our fathers, and fathers fathers, its good enough for me.
Why cant these foreigners understand that if they want to come here, they need to learn how to drag bloody big rocks from Wales and build henges, with no double-glazing.
We believe in proper religions like fairies, pixies, and burning people in wicker-men.
We don’t want their funny foreign religions about virgin-births, miracles and crucifixions.
I tell you, if we give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.
The whole British culture is changing what these churches all over the place, and priests trying to steal our saturnalia and other festivals.
Mark my words - They’ll be trying to build Jersualem in these green and pleasant lands.
Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.
TheBramble
Legendary member
- Messages
- 8,394
- Likes
- 1,170
I have been deeply traumatised by your post. As you failed to proivide a freephone number for me to call to obtain immediate counselling, I am suing you for $10M.
BSD
Veteren member
- Messages
- 3,819
- Likes
- 988
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
Turmoil in the Japanese Banking System -BEWARE..
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Don't say I didn't warn you......
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Don't say I didn't warn you......
Atilla
Legendary member
- Messages
- 20,775
- Likes
- 3,976
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
In The Class
Picture the scene - A class full of 8 year olds......
Mrs Parks asked the class "Which human body part increases to ten times its
size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and
said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a
question like that! - I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and
tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part
Increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
class, "anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, AND......
And three, one day you are going to be very, very
disappointed."
Picture the scene - A class full of 8 year olds......
Mrs Parks asked the class "Which human body part increases to ten times its
size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and
said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a
question like that! - I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and
tell the Principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part
Increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
class, "anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework, AND......
And three, one day you are going to be very, very
disappointed."
BSD
Veteren member
- Messages
- 3,819
- Likes
- 988
trendie
Legendary member
- Messages
- 6,875
- Likes
- 1,433
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The science graduate asks "How does it work?"
The economics graduate asks "How much does it cost?"
The engineering graduate asks "How can we make it?"
The arts graduate asks "Do you want fries with that?"
Jesse N. Schell
(from the www.null-hypothesis.co.uk website.)
The science graduate asks "How does it work?"
The economics graduate asks "How much does it cost?"
The engineering graduate asks "How can we make it?"
The arts graduate asks "Do you want fries with that?"
Jesse N. Schell
(from the www.null-hypothesis.co.uk website.)
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
nkruger
Established member
- Messages
- 855
- Likes
- 76
Being British.....
RULE BRITTANIA .....
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance, a fire engine or the cops.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and ****e in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITTANIA .....
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance, a fire engine or the cops.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and ****e in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas
cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
and finally...
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
trendie
Legendary member
- Messages
- 6,875
- Likes
- 1,433
trendie
Legendary member
- Messages
- 6,875
- Likes
- 1,433
Love In A Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a Crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Author Unknown
http://www.emofree.com/Archives.aspx
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a Crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Author Unknown
http://www.emofree.com/Archives.aspx
Atilla
Legendary member
- Messages
- 20,775
- Likes
- 3,976
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a
bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a
bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad, dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
fibonelli
Experienced member
- Messages
- 1,338
- Likes
- 288
Turmoil In Japan
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Don't say I didn't warn you...
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal...
Don't say I didn't warn you...
