Best Thread Joke of the day
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JTrader
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Pat494
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Good game against the Russians - wasn't it ?
Where are you from ? Not English perhaps ?
The Blonde Kidnapping
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note."I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket, gave him a big hug and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your stupid money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note."I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket, gave him a big hug and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your stupid money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
The New Element
Amsterdam, NL -- September 14, 2007 - Recent hurricane and gasoline issues have provided proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every positive action or reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has no half-life; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This activity occurs every 2 years and the morons mostly spin in a counterclockwise (leftward) motion. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical liberilium morass. When catalyzed with large infusions of tax revenue, Governmentium becomes Bureaucratium (Bu), an element that radiates just as little productive energy as Governmentium but has half as many peons and twice as many morons!
Amsterdam, NL -- September 14, 2007 - Recent hurricane and gasoline issues have provided proof of the existence of a new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every positive action or reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has no half-life; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This activity occurs every 2 years and the morons mostly spin in a counterclockwise (leftward) motion. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical liberilium morass. When catalyzed with large infusions of tax revenue, Governmentium becomes Bureaucratium (Bu), an element that radiates just as little productive energy as Governmentium but has half as many peons and twice as many morons!
Pat494
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The new season is set to begin so - get to know your favourite footie team !!!!!!?
Here is the traditional club football quiz to begin the season.
(1) What does the average Man U player get on his mobile ?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Blackburn cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Newcastle cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Reading graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Yeovil football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Fulham football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Totenham football player's life?
.........His first year.
(8) How many Everton players does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's for the over 11s course.
(9) Why did the Liberals choose orange as their team colour?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Here is the traditional club football quiz to begin the season.
(1) What does the average Man U player get on his mobile ?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Blackburn cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a Newcastle cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Reading graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Yeovil football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Fulham football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Totenham football player's life?
.........His first year.
(8) How many Everton players does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's for the over 11s course.
(9) Why did the Liberals choose orange as their team colour?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 30 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately for a full 10 minutes.
Then he tells the husband “now Sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”
The husband says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”
Then he tells the husband “now Sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”
The husband says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”
Atilla
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My Auzzie and Kiwi friends are great but... I sometimes wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQiarWZruCc
This is what I have to put up with all day at work...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQiarWZruCc
This is what I have to put up with all day at work...
fibonelli
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My Auzzie and Kiwi friends are great but... I sometimes wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQiarWZruCc
This is what I have to put up with all day at work...
The Binatone Tennis game circa 1979 brings back childhood memories!
Atilla
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Yep certainly does.
For some reason your post has reminded me of green shield stamps.
Childhood memories indeed.
Atilla
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Just finished reading the book and look forward to seeing the film. Here is a previouw.
Bourne Ultimatum
If it's your kind of thang...
Bourne Ultimatum
If it's your kind of thang...
trendie
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http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/...SubmissionDate&n=229816&qid=1191601497&sr=8-2
the above is a link to amazon.co.uk. read the "reviews" of Peter Andre and Jordans book, "A Whole New World".
the above is a link to amazon.co.uk. read the "reviews" of Peter Andre and Jordans book, "A Whole New World".
