Best Thread Joke of the day

A bus stops and two Italians get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. A lady behind them tries to ignore them, but just can't.

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

At this point, the lady has had enough and interrupts. "Watch your mouths, men! I don't know how it is in Italy, but in this country, we don't talk about our sex lives on the bus!"

"Huh?" One of the Italians replies. "I'm not-a-talkin' about sex. I'm-a trying to teach-a my friend how to spell Mississippi."

=======
Alla prossima ;)
 
Bush Fans
 

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T.D. Jakes (a well-known preacher) was returning to Texas after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Dallas . As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am almost 50 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver said, "No problem.
Have a go at it."

T.D. gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and
got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." "The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young
trooper said, I think it's Jesus because he's got T. D. Jakes as a chauffeur!!!!!
 
There was this little village in the Alps and high above the village was this old Castle. In the Castle there lived a beautiful Princess, with golden hair that shone in the sun like the shimmering light on water. However she lived there with only her old servant and once a month she felt incredibly randy.
So at the end of every month all the male villagers were lined up in a row in the village square. On the word of command they would all drop their trousers. She would walk back and forth, back and forth and eventually pick the man with the biggest ****. Then she would take him up to the Castle for the whole weekend of lovemaking.
It so happened that the watch-maker was a bit vertically challenged ( small ) and as the months ticked by she never picked him. He was desperate. He tried everything but with no success. Just before he was about to give up, he decided to try the old witch reputed to live over the hill.
She listened to his story. Aha she said after much thought. I’ve got the perfect remedy. So in exchange for all his worldly possessions he learnt the secret. Before the parade at the end of the next month he ate the herbs the old witch had given him and whispered the magic words under his breath. Hokey Pokey. Sure enough when they all lined up the Princess was so overcome with expectation when she saw his magnificent **** that she whisked him up to the Castle without delay.
Saturday night passed, Sunday flew by and so did Monday. The old servant was getting worried. Never had the feasting and lovemaking lasted so long, but he had his orders not to interrupt. After Tuesday went by, he was so worried he pushed the bedroom door open. What did he see but the Princess pinned to the ceiling by the mightiest **** he had ever seen. He drew his sword. Shall I rescue you My Lady he shouts ?
No you old fool HOKEY POKEY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed."
 
A Soldier's Story

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
"No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

:) :) :)
 
Some Insults With A 'touch Of Class'

Afternoon Board Members. here is a small collection of 'Insults' that have a touch of class about them. Hope you enjoy...


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho
Marx



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it." -- Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar
Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill...

followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is
one." -- Winston Churchill



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --
Samuel Johnson



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating



"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" -- Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West




"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde


Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party,
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"

Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it!" :LOL:
 
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one. As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street
and was so ashamed. Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma
stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh Oranges
to those waiting.

Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck' em dry!"

The policeman fainted. :LOL:
 
nkruger said:
Afternoon Board Members. here is a small collection of 'Insults' that have a touch of class about them. Hope you enjoy...
Click to expand...

Let's not forget the famous postcard: "Everything is here, wish you were fine..." -- Anon :LOL:
 
Old English Joke

How to give a cat a pill:
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
What The H***?

Last February, a Canadian businessman left the snow-filled streets of Toronto for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

MY DEAREST: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS UNBEARABLY HOT DOWN HERE!!

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
The Tree Of Traders

The Tree Of Traders...

The trading community is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs,
at different levels of trading skill, some climbing up, some climbing down.

The traders at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.


The traders on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
 
Lightning McQueen said:
The Tree Of Traders...

The trading community is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs,
at different levels of trading skill, some climbing up, some climbing down.

The traders at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.


The traders on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Click to expand...

Hahahahaha

Guess where all the poo lands !!!!!!!!!!
 
The Stock Market ........ simply illustrated in the simplest language possible... Is there a lesson here?

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers seeing that
there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started
catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started
to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced
that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the
villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply
diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so
little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the
villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has
collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns
from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50 and make a decent profit."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys.


Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere !!
 
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
(nicked from ET)
 
Just been to the gym to try out a new machine they have installed...

I could only use it for a half hour then i had to stop cause i felt sick...

its good though, its got Kit Kats, Crisps, Mars Bars, ............ everything!
 
A Heroic Woman

Just after the storm that sank the small vessel, a helicopter dropped a rope to take up the survivors of the shipwreck: ten men and one woman. Yet, as they were all hanging there between life and death, holding onto the slippery cord with every ounce of strength they had, it was obvious that the rope could only hold ten of them safely - one of the eleven had to sacrifice his or her life for the others.

After some hesitation, the woman cried out that she had decided to jump in the cold water to her death in order to save the rest of them. After all, she said, isn't that the fate of every mother and sister and daughter out there? Aren't they always sacrificing their lives to bring babies in this world, be loving mothers to their children and good wives to their husbands? Don't they always work hard to keep a beautiful home and a job at the same time? Yes, this is the role of a good woman, she said, and for that reason, to show that she really understood her role in the grand scheme of things across the ages, a very important role that most often entails the sacrifice of everything she ever wanted for the sake of those around her, she had decided to let go and save everyone else.

Deeply moved, the men applauded her brave and compassionate decision.

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
 
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