Best Thread Joke of the day

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.


As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales
person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.


With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back
and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,

"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to **** yourself when you hear the price.
 
peto said:
An Australian, an Irishman and a Dundonian are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own, at a table, in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God,it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.



Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.



He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking Him for the Guinness.



When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God!

The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.



As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Dundonian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Dundonian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"


It helps not one bit to know that Buckfast (Buckie) is disgusting stuff that looks and tastes like tar, made by monks in Devon, and drunk in Dundee, apparently
Click to expand...

Somebody from Dundee run off with your wife then??
 
boy said:
Somebody from Dundee run off with your wife then??
Click to expand...

Nay that was a Weegie, he torched ma hoose and keyed ma ferrari tae. Nay doubt he'd a bin awa wi ma laptop if he coudda work it ("Whit fukin guid’s tha' tae enybuddy", he said, "I couldny get BBC Wun or Too, or ITV, or even the Porn Channel - aw ya could get wis a lot of stupid riting and this wee arra wizzin aboot wen ya moved the moose.").

Seasons Greetings to all, even those in Dundee and Glasgow.
pete
 
The traders in the office go off to the pub and being Christmas they unwillingly take along the office know-all. He's never been known to have been wrong about anything or admitted as much. But being the festive period he somehow gets to the pub too.
They have a cunning plan. Young Blogs lays a wager that blind-folded the office know-all can't guess what the drink is. A free drink if he gets it right.
The know-all readily accepts the challenge.
The first round is Chateau Neuf 1968.
He guesses it immediately.
THAT'S Right they all yell.
They mix whisky and brandy - he guesses it
THAT'S RIGHT they all yell.
For the next round they try Cointreau + Creme de Menthe + Cherry brandy
He gets it straight away
The barman decides to lend a hand.
He gives them all a big wink and pees into the glass.
Our friend downs the lot in one swig
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH Tastes like bloody p*ss
he shouts.
RIGHT AGAIN they all yell.
(reputably true)
 
Last edited:
Royalty my ass

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.


When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the room occupied by the Queen and Prince Phillip. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me." The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!" "I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"


In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See, I told you with a face like that she was still a virgin."



Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to prise off the left shoe.
"Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
 
The Pope was having a shower. Although very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.". "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll am determined to be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of a million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"A million quid" replied the Pope.
"A MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...
"They must have seen you coming................"
 
Dublin Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

After an examination the zoo vet determined the problem was that the gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Paddy, a big Irish lad from Killarney,
responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.

Paddy, like most Killarney boys, had little sense but seemed to possess the ample ability to satisfy a female
of any species. So the zoo administrator thought they might have a solution.
Paddy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?

Paddy showed some interest but said he would have to think about it.

The following day, Paddy announced he would accept the offer but only under 3 conditions:
"First" he said "i don't want to have to kiss the gorilla.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"

The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said what about the 3rd condition???

"Well" Paddy said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with the £3,500".
 
The father of one of my kids

​
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A REALLY BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVING AT HIM.

SHE THEN WALKS TOWARDS HIM SMILING AND SAYS "HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING" .



HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE JUST CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS

"DO YOU KNOW ME?"



SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."



NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS,

"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE NOT THAT STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY WHO I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING AND CHEERING, WHILE THAT SEXY RED HEAD PARTNER OF YOURS, IN THE BLACK LEATHER UNDERWEAR, WHIPPED MY BUM WITH STICKS OF WET CELERY?"



SHE SAID

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

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.

"NO, I'M YOUR SONS ENGLISH TEACHER."

 
(Aussie Joke)

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:


"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a
headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
 
Chaps,

......You can never be tooooo careful!



I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I
have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco in Whitely and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packin
your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag
and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
t-shirts.
It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No'
and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in
the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one
steals your wallet......

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on
Saturday, and also yesterday.
 
Interesting Year 1981
>1. Prince Charles got married
>2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
>3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
>4. Pope Died
>
>
>Interesting Year 2005
>1. Prince Charles got married
>2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
>3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
>4. Pope Died
>
>
>
>Lesson Learned? - the next time Charles gets
>married, someone warn the
>Pope
>
 
Best answer ever to a difficult exam question!
 

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