Battle of Trafalgar – 2005
“Order the signal Hardy”
“Aye, aye sir”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer, what’s the meaning of this ?”
“Sorry sir”
“England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbleydygook is this ?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now, We had the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have designated smoke-free working enviroments,”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before the battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you will find a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man ! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible sir”
“What ?”
“Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness and they have said that the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”
“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foc’sle, Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access ? I have never heard of anything so absurd.”
“Health and Safety again, sir.” We have to provide a barrier free enviroment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled ? I,ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
“Actually sir you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb-deficiency.”
“Whatever next ? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too sir. Health and Safety won’t let the men up the rigging without safety helmets and they don’t want anyone breathing too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts ?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What ? This is mutiny.”
“It’s not that sir. It’s just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish”
“Actually we are not, sir.”
“We’re not ?”
“No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the common fisheries policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit for a claim of compensation.”
“But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King.”
“Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to the rum, sodomy and the lash ?”
“As explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy ?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged ,sir.”
“In that case, kiss me Hardy.”
(anon)
