Best Thread Joke of the day

[LION63]

Subject: LIFE....AND IT'S EXPLANATION

One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

 

[gbptrader]

There was a young man from Bangladesh
who decided to give trading a rest
he eschewed the computer,the mouse and the router
As his home was underwater it wasn't such a test

Not funny! making fun of poor Bengalis!

Anyways - Has anyone heard a joke about the ***** asking for a payrise?

 

[tradertim]

Touching innocents, touchingly innocent.

www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/michaeljackson_smoothcriminal.asp

 

[LION63]

A man dies & goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany hell & asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell.

Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man.

"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

 

[CJIA]

wife: darling I'm going to get a boob job
husband: what do you want one of them for?
wife:'coz it will make my bust bigger...and its only £7000
husband:£7000!!why dont you use toilet paper?
wife:why toilet paper?
husband:well just rub it on your t*ts,it worked on your @rse

 

[charliechan]

due to the recent bombings in london, the french have decided to up their national security level - from run to hide.

this is seen as significant, as there are only two higher levels of awareness: collaborate and surrender.

 

[rossored]

2 TOUGH QUESTIONS

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's
had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a
day.



Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.



Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates
would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for
the response.

-------------------------------------------------------------









Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic



And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?






Give up yet?




It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest
of us in line.

 

[neil]

Godliness and cleanliness

The difference between a woman leaving church and a woman getting out of the bath?

Answer: The woman leaves church with hope in her soul

 

[oatman]

Haven't done this one for a while.

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?










You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

 

[trendie]

Royale with Cheese...

if you ever get bored in between trades.

http://www.angryalien.com/0605/pulpfictionbuns.asp

 

[boy]

Mad Add

 

[roguetrader]

Pharmacology Update

Something I came across on the web.

PHARMACOLOGY UPDATE

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen.

Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails and highballs. Pepsi will market the new formula by the name, Mount & Do.

The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past five years, Americans have spent more money on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

 

[peto]

From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the desktop?"

"Partly - my computer's on top of it"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

 

[roguetrader]

Not really a joking matter, but still mildly amusing.

 

[Mr. Charts]

I heard that there was a sign put up at one tube station that said,
"please do not jump the barrier if you haven't bought a ticket, as this is illegal and action may be taken against you".
Sick, huh?

 

[rols]

London Fights Back

http://img.t2w.com/boards/attach/jpg.gif

 

[boy]

I dont get this?....

:d

 

[KengKing]

Man & Woman

Next time think harder before wishing for anything

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,
but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever
you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the
most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize
that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the
world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most
beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.






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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

 

[Fabianov]

KengKing, your joke is so funny loooooollllllllll

 

[kriesau]

Salmon Rushdie wrote an article in The Times today entitled "Why we need a Reformation to bring Islam into the modern world"

It is extremely unlikely that any Muslim will take note of what Rushdie might have to say about Islam. However it was a good promotional device on his behalf for his latest book that is about to be published entitled "Budda, That Old Fat Turd"