oh man, thats great
Best Thread Joke of the day
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oh man, thats great
Atilla
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Q. If Frau Merkel married Sarkozy and they had kids - would they go in a straight line ?
A. Of course not - more likely sercels
That is really good.
I'm going through a 'fat'-spiderman crises at the moment...
Too much cheese mi thinks
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Pat494
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That is really good.
I'm going through a 'fat'-spiderman crises at the moment...
Too much cheese mi thinks
I like Camembert personally
sacre bleu
Hoggums
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A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there ?
The father rather surprised answers, 'Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions? '
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there ?
The mother, not surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree? '
'Yes dear - the tree trunk is dried up and the balls are just for decoration.
The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there ?
The father rather surprised answers, 'Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions? '
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there ?
The mother, not surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
'A Christmas tree? '
'Yes dear - the tree trunk is dried up and the balls are just for decoration.
California Crazy Law
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Bathhouses are against the law.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Bathhouses are against the law.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time
Pat494
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It takes regular people more time to clear up after them pollies and than it does the kids.
Last edited:
timsk
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[[[[[sent from my iphone]]]]]]]]]
Sitting in a police cell writing this. I got stopped by a policewoman in a road check last night - part of their xmas anti drink driving campaign. She asked me how much alcohol I'd consumed in the last 24hrs. Apparently my reply of: "Not enough to want to shag you love" was incorrect.
Sitting in a police cell writing this. I got stopped by a policewoman in a road check last night - part of their xmas anti drink driving campaign. She asked me how much alcohol I'd consumed in the last 24hrs. Apparently my reply of: "Not enough to want to shag you love" was incorrect.
Adamus
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You're too straight-laced, Timsk. I love a woman in uniform. And you don't worry about what's under her helmet when she's got her truncheon out. Oh hold, I'm mixing my metaphors.
Pat494
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Atilla
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counter_violent
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Kim Jong-il dead.
So thats the end of his career. (Korea)
So thats the end of his career. (Korea)
Hoggums
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I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in England?'
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in England?'
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
