Best Thread Joke of the day

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."
 
Israel is in a state of crises. Enemies at all its borders, inflation is 10% and rising, people marching out on the streets, country is bad shape.

Benyamin Netanyahou calls a meeting of the Knesset to discuss crises. In the talks Lieberman comes up with a fantastic idea which grabs all the members by surprise and looks very attractive as a solution to all their problems.

We'll declare war on the United States of America and lose the war. Upon some objections he persists and wins the Knesset over. Explains Germany and Japan, both defeated in the 2nd World War and now they have the strongest economies and both protected by the USA. World beating trading countries allies of the US. Think Marshall plan and billions pumped into Israel. Even more than the crumbs we get today.

Excited glares and smiles abound in the room. :)


An elderly gentleman sitting at the rear of the Knesset with a long white beard down to his belt raises a hand and slowly points out;

If we lose yes it may be as you say but what happens if we win the war? :rolleyes:
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
 
I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.
 
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Pick Up Lines

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
 
Watch out watch out there is Dorris about deleting jokes.

OMG The humilation of it. Can you believe it?

I need consolation... Where is B r a m b l e ?????


What's wrong with Europeans these days - delicate skin or what?


Ok which one you complained about mi post?


What's da matter with your head? Why you behave so sad? Ohhh shudduppa your face :)
 
Watch out watch out there is Dorris about deleting jokes.

OMG The humilation of it. Can you believe it?

I need consolation... Where is B r a m b l e ?????


What's wrong with Europeans these days - delicate skin or what?


Ok which one you complained about mi post?


What's da matter with your head? Why you behave so sad? Ohhh shudduppa your face :)

that odd - there nothing in mod-log showing it was deleted
 
that odd - there nothing in mod-log showing it was deleted


Phew... cheers for checking Barjon - I could have put my neck on the guillotine that I posted this one up before my other half. Unless senile dementure has already started setting in... ;)


Here it is again (2nd time) :cheesy:

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.



PS. Do you Mods wear white coats?
 
Chat-up lines

Pick Up Lines

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

Excuse me, can I buy you a drink, or are you already drunk enough to find me attractive?

(Works every time)
 
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices he’s being watched by a midget. After a few seconds the midget drags a small stepladder next to the man, climbs it and proceeds to look at his privates at close range. “Don’t be embarrassed”, says the midget. “I’m a doctor and I couldn’t help noticing a slight swelling of the testicles. It might be nothing to worry about but would you mind if I examined them ?”. The man is rather startled by this request but tells the midget to go ahead. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls and says, “Okay, now hand over your wallet or I jump!”

:)
 
There are 10 types of people in the world:

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

:clap:

and one from back in high school:

how do you catch a unique bird?

(say this part in a really stereotypical pacific island accent) u-nique up on it!
 
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.
On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don’t open the damn store!”
 
A woman suggests to her husband that she has surgery to make her breasts bigger. He is horrified by the cost and suggests rubbing them with toilet paper. His wife asks how the hell that would help - you jackass.
He replies -well it certainly did wonders for your ar3e !!

:)
 
(y)
 

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There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%
 
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."
 
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