A man is walking through the jungle when he comes across a lion, he panics and begins to run. After a while he runs out of breath and starts praying, "God please let this lion be a Christian." As the lion is about to pounce, it goes down and says "For what we are about to receive...."
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Hamish went to the synagogue and prayed; "God please let me win the lottery." Lottery draw takes place and he does not win. He goes back the following week and repeats the prayer, still he does not win. He goes back the third time and repeats the prayer; "God please let me win the lottery." A voice comes down from above; "Hamish my son, meet me half way, buy a ticket."
TWI
Senior member
- Messages
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How to be a man:
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A
Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?
Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge
pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.
Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyoneelse struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir
paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it
looklike.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need
or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Cl ang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed.
However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast
man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with
any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,
we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then.Seven. Seeya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the
beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if
you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For
that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says
that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized ****.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you
while you were in hospital".
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A
Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?
Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't
whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge
pile of other rubbish -noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement.
Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyoneelse struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir
paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it
looklike.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need
or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Cl ang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed.
However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast
man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with
any DIY item.
Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,
we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then.Seven. Seeya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the
beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if
you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For
that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says
that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized ****.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you
while you were in hospital".
TWI
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,555
- Likes
- 266
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "F**k"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - -
HUSBAND: "F**k"
Salty Gibbon
Experienced member
- Messages
- 1,535
- Likes
- 6
An Essex girl is out driving one day when her car skids at a roundabout and hits the car in front. As she’s injured, an ambulance is called and a paramedic quickly arrives. ‘What’s your name, love?’ he asks. ‘Sharon,’ she replies. Looking around, the medic sees there’s a lot of blood. ‘Sharon,’ he asks, ‘where are you bleeding from?’ ‘Romford,’ she replies.
TWI
Senior member
- Messages
- 2,555
- Likes
- 266
ASSOCIATED EXAMINATION BOARD
----------------------------------------------------------
APPLIED MONEYBROKING - ADVANCED STAGE
-----------
CANDIDATES ARE ADVISED TO STRUT INTO THE EXAMINATION HALL WITH ONE SHIRTSLEEVE SLIGHTLY RAISED TO REVEAL EXPENSIVE WATCH AND CHEWING GUM LOUDLY.AFTER COMPLETING THE TEST SLAP THE EXAMINER LIGHTLY ROUND THE FACE AND SAY "CHEERS SON"
SECTION 1
-------------------
CORPORTATE ENTERTAINMENT VOCABULARY CHALLENGE -
DESCRIBE AN EVENING SPENT IN THE COMPANY OF CLIENTS AND COLLEAGUES OMITTING THE FOLLOWING PHRASES:
FULL ON
GAGGING FOR IT
LARGE
,AVIN IT
I SWEAR
SHAG
--
SECTION B
DESCRIBE A DAYS BUSINESS WITHOUT SUBSTITUTING MONETARY DENOMINATIONS FOR ANIMALS
---
MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION.1
--
THE MORNING AFTER A NIGHT OUT YOU ARE ASKED WHAT TIME YOU GOT HOME
DO YOU ANSWER:
a. THE TRUTH.ABOUT 11.09 AFTER VOMITING OUT OF THE TRAIN WINDOW 3 STOPS BEFORE HOME
b. ABOUT 3 HOURS AFTER THIS, AFTER PULLING SOME SORT IN A WEST END NIGHT CLUB AND HAVING AN ALLEGED CONFRONTATION ON THE TAXI RANK
c "I DONT KNOW" AS YOUR SO HEDONISTIC.
2. A COLLEAGUE STARTS TELLING A JOKE WHEN SOMEBODY MORE DYNAMIC OR SENIOR BEGINS ANOTHER CONVERSATION DO YOU:
a. CARRY ON LISTENING TO YOUR COLLEAGUES FUNNY STORY
b. BLANK HIM COMPLETELY AND LAUGH EMPHATICALLY AT THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE
c. DIVE INTO A SPURIOS LINE AND QUOTE A BLAND PRICE AS YOU’VE HEARD BOTH STORIES BEFORE
3. YOU HAVE JUST PURCHASED AN EXPENSIVE WATCH DO YOU:
a. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND ONLY BRING ITS VALUE INTO CONVERSATION WHEN SOMBODY INVITES YOU TO DO SO
b. REMOVE IT IN A CROWDED RESTURANT WHILST PRETENDING IT WEIGHS ABOUT 10 KILOS AS YOU PASS IT AROUND THE TABLE NODDING AND GESTICULATING PROFUSLEY. (EXTRA POINT FOR A SHOULDER SHRUG)
c. GO TO THE BAR WITH ONE SLEEVE ROLLED UP FLEXING YOUR RELEVANT BICEP AND SHOUT "WHEN YOU’RE READY TREACLE."
4.YOUR RECENT SUCCESS IN FX HAS FAILED TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF A WAITER, DO YOU:
a. WAIT UNTIL HE COMES INTO YOUR VIEW AND SIGNAL DISCRETELY YOU WOULD LIKE HIS SERVICE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
b SHOUT "OI” OR “EXCUSE ME" ACROSS THE DINING AREA AND DELAY HIM FURTHER
c CALL THE GENTLEMAN AN IRON WHEN HE EVENTUALLY SERVES YOU AND WONDER WHY YOUR STARTERS TASTES FUNNY.
5.YOU DESIRE A LADIES ATTENTION IN A DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT DO YOU:
a .INTRODUCE YOURSELF POLITELY AND ASK HER NAME, WHILST OFFERING A GENTLE COMPLIMENT ON HER APPEARANCE.
b. STRUT OVER AFTER UNDOING ANOTHER SHIRT BUTTON OPEN THE CONVERSATION WITH "ALL RIGHT DARLIN’, WOTCHA ‘AVIN" AS YOU SLAP HER **** AND PLACE YOUR GOLDCARD ON THE BAR
c. ENQUIRE "HOW MUCH FOR ‘ARRIS"
6.YOU ARE GOING OUT ON THURSDAY NIGHT, DO YOU WEAR:
a. BLACK SHIRT GUCCI LOAFERS AND A BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE
b GUCCI LOAFERS BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE AND BLACK SHIRT
c. BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE BLACK SHIRT GUCCI LOAFERS.
7.YOU HAVE A PROFFESSIONAL DISAGREEMENT WITH ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES WHILST TRYING TO EXECUTE A TRADE DO YOU.
a. LISTEN TO HIS OPINION, LET HIM FINISH HIS SENTENCE AND THEN OFFER YOUR ARGUMENT WHILST TRYING TO SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW.
b. SHOUT ‘’SHUT UP YOU CYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTTT’’ AND REITERATE THE SAME POINT LOUDLY WITH FURTHER SWEARING.
c. THREATEN TO PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT (5 POINTS BONUS FOR THROWING YOUR COLLEAGUE OVER THE DESK)
8.YOU NOTICE A COLLEAGUE HAS PAID SLIGHTLY LESS THAN YOU FOR AN ITEM OF CLOTHING OF EQUAL QUALITY DO YOU.
a. PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT
b. INVITE THE DESK TO "GET ALOAD OF THE GEEZERS SHIRT
c. IDENTIFY THE ITEM OF CLOTHINGS LABEL AND UTTER "CHEAP FACKIN TAT"
9.WHERE DO YOU GO ON HOLIDAY
a, SOMWHERE WARM CLEAN AND PRACTICAL FOR YOUR FAMILY
b. YOU STAY AT HOME WATCHING VIDEOS AND PRETEND YOU WENT SOMEWHERE HEDONISTIC THUS EXPLAINING YOUR PALLOR
c. FLORIDA YOU C*** FOR TWICE AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE HAS EVER PAID AND A SPENDING BUDGET OF £500 A DAY.
----------------------------------------------------------
APPLIED MONEYBROKING - ADVANCED STAGE
-----------
CANDIDATES ARE ADVISED TO STRUT INTO THE EXAMINATION HALL WITH ONE SHIRTSLEEVE SLIGHTLY RAISED TO REVEAL EXPENSIVE WATCH AND CHEWING GUM LOUDLY.AFTER COMPLETING THE TEST SLAP THE EXAMINER LIGHTLY ROUND THE FACE AND SAY "CHEERS SON"
SECTION 1
-------------------
CORPORTATE ENTERTAINMENT VOCABULARY CHALLENGE -
DESCRIBE AN EVENING SPENT IN THE COMPANY OF CLIENTS AND COLLEAGUES OMITTING THE FOLLOWING PHRASES:
FULL ON
GAGGING FOR IT
LARGE
,AVIN IT
I SWEAR
SHAG
--
SECTION B
DESCRIBE A DAYS BUSINESS WITHOUT SUBSTITUTING MONETARY DENOMINATIONS FOR ANIMALS
---
MULTIPLE CHOICE SECTION.1
--
THE MORNING AFTER A NIGHT OUT YOU ARE ASKED WHAT TIME YOU GOT HOME
DO YOU ANSWER:
a. THE TRUTH.ABOUT 11.09 AFTER VOMITING OUT OF THE TRAIN WINDOW 3 STOPS BEFORE HOME
b. ABOUT 3 HOURS AFTER THIS, AFTER PULLING SOME SORT IN A WEST END NIGHT CLUB AND HAVING AN ALLEGED CONFRONTATION ON THE TAXI RANK
c "I DONT KNOW" AS YOUR SO HEDONISTIC.
2. A COLLEAGUE STARTS TELLING A JOKE WHEN SOMEBODY MORE DYNAMIC OR SENIOR BEGINS ANOTHER CONVERSATION DO YOU:
a. CARRY ON LISTENING TO YOUR COLLEAGUES FUNNY STORY
b. BLANK HIM COMPLETELY AND LAUGH EMPHATICALLY AT THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE
c. DIVE INTO A SPURIOS LINE AND QUOTE A BLAND PRICE AS YOU’VE HEARD BOTH STORIES BEFORE
3. YOU HAVE JUST PURCHASED AN EXPENSIVE WATCH DO YOU:
a. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF AND ONLY BRING ITS VALUE INTO CONVERSATION WHEN SOMBODY INVITES YOU TO DO SO
b. REMOVE IT IN A CROWDED RESTURANT WHILST PRETENDING IT WEIGHS ABOUT 10 KILOS AS YOU PASS IT AROUND THE TABLE NODDING AND GESTICULATING PROFUSLEY. (EXTRA POINT FOR A SHOULDER SHRUG)
c. GO TO THE BAR WITH ONE SLEEVE ROLLED UP FLEXING YOUR RELEVANT BICEP AND SHOUT "WHEN YOU’RE READY TREACLE."
4.YOUR RECENT SUCCESS IN FX HAS FAILED TO ATTRACT THE ATTENTION OF A WAITER, DO YOU:
a. WAIT UNTIL HE COMES INTO YOUR VIEW AND SIGNAL DISCRETELY YOU WOULD LIKE HIS SERVICE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
b SHOUT "OI” OR “EXCUSE ME" ACROSS THE DINING AREA AND DELAY HIM FURTHER
c CALL THE GENTLEMAN AN IRON WHEN HE EVENTUALLY SERVES YOU AND WONDER WHY YOUR STARTERS TASTES FUNNY.
5.YOU DESIRE A LADIES ATTENTION IN A DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT DO YOU:
a .INTRODUCE YOURSELF POLITELY AND ASK HER NAME, WHILST OFFERING A GENTLE COMPLIMENT ON HER APPEARANCE.
b. STRUT OVER AFTER UNDOING ANOTHER SHIRT BUTTON OPEN THE CONVERSATION WITH "ALL RIGHT DARLIN’, WOTCHA ‘AVIN" AS YOU SLAP HER **** AND PLACE YOUR GOLDCARD ON THE BAR
c. ENQUIRE "HOW MUCH FOR ‘ARRIS"
6.YOU ARE GOING OUT ON THURSDAY NIGHT, DO YOU WEAR:
a. BLACK SHIRT GUCCI LOAFERS AND A BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE
b GUCCI LOAFERS BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE AND BLACK SHIRT
c. BELT WITH OVERSIZE BUCKLE BLACK SHIRT GUCCI LOAFERS.
7.YOU HAVE A PROFFESSIONAL DISAGREEMENT WITH ONE OF YOUR COLLEAGUES WHILST TRYING TO EXECUTE A TRADE DO YOU.
a. LISTEN TO HIS OPINION, LET HIM FINISH HIS SENTENCE AND THEN OFFER YOUR ARGUMENT WHILST TRYING TO SEE HIS POINT OF VIEW.
b. SHOUT ‘’SHUT UP YOU CYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTTT’’ AND REITERATE THE SAME POINT LOUDLY WITH FURTHER SWEARING.
c. THREATEN TO PUNCH HIS LIGHTS OUT (5 POINTS BONUS FOR THROWING YOUR COLLEAGUE OVER THE DESK)
8.YOU NOTICE A COLLEAGUE HAS PAID SLIGHTLY LESS THAN YOU FOR AN ITEM OF CLOTHING OF EQUAL QUALITY DO YOU.
a. PAY NO ATTENTION TO IT
b. INVITE THE DESK TO "GET ALOAD OF THE GEEZERS SHIRT
c. IDENTIFY THE ITEM OF CLOTHINGS LABEL AND UTTER "CHEAP FACKIN TAT"
9.WHERE DO YOU GO ON HOLIDAY
a, SOMWHERE WARM CLEAN AND PRACTICAL FOR YOUR FAMILY
b. YOU STAY AT HOME WATCHING VIDEOS AND PRETEND YOU WENT SOMEWHERE HEDONISTIC THUS EXPLAINING YOUR PALLOR
c. FLORIDA YOU C*** FOR TWICE AS MUCH AS ANYONE ELSE HAS EVER PAID AND A SPENDING BUDGET OF £500 A DAY.
ship about to sink,female passenger jumps up frantically and screams " if i am going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman"
she then removes all her clothes and asks "is there any one here who can make me feel like a woman"
instantly a man jumps up removes his shirt and says "here woman get that washed and ironed"
she then removes all her clothes and asks "is there any one here who can make me feel like a woman"
instantly a man jumps up removes his shirt and says "here woman get that washed and ironed"
whats bin ladens idea of safe sex?
marking the camels that kick.
how many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
none,let the bitch cook in the dark.
whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
a computer only needs the information punched in once.
the new divorced barbie doll,
it comes with all of kens stuff.
marking the camels that kick.
how many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
none,let the bitch cook in the dark.
whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
a computer only needs the information punched in once.
the new divorced barbie doll,
it comes with all of kens stuff.
Perrington
Active member
- Messages
- 145
- Likes
- 0
A Chinese walks into a bank in central London and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"
The Chinese replies: "For £15.41 where else can I park my car in central London for two weeks and expect it to be there when I return?"
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on
the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything
checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Chinese for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
£5,000?"
The Chinese replies: "For £15.41 where else can I park my car in central London for two weeks and expect it to be there when I return?"
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also
took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
Installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization,where it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as
"Boys'Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run,and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails
and"Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife
1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing
doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many Customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife
1.0 is Merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support
and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME
program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key.
It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times,and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high-maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
software such as" Flowers 2.0"and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES
600.0" or"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithout
The Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version)
or "OneNight Stand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also
took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
Installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization,where it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as
"Boys'Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run,and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails
and"Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife
1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing
doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
... AND THIS IS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many Customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife
1.0 is Merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back
to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
Impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
system once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have
ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support
and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed
and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur,whatever you think has caused them, you must run the
C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME
program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key.
It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times,and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high-maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional
software such as" Flowers 2.0"and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES
600.0" or"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithout
The Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version)
or "OneNight Stand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported
application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst
A male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore. She takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Paul, the midget."
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision
and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Paul, the midget."
5 guys are driving from Belfast to Dublin. When they get to the border-post to enter Eire, the guard pulls them up and asks why 5 of them are in an Audi Quattro.
"And why shouldn't we be 5 in the car?" asks the driver.
"Because it's an Audi Quattro, and that means 'Four', which means you're only allowed four people in the car, so I can't let you through. One of you will have to walk. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is", is the reply.
"This is ridiculous! There are 5 seats in the car. What's the model of car got to do with it?"
"Quattro means 'Four', and I'm only letting four of you through in that car. That's all there is to it."
"This is absolutely crazy!" says the driver. "We're on our way to a business meeting and we haven't got time for this nonsense. Either let us through the barrier, or let me speak to your senior officer."
"Well ... you might have a word with him, but you'll have to wait a while", says the officer. "At the moment he's a bit busy trying to deal with two guys who tried to slip through in a Fiat Uno."
"And why shouldn't we be 5 in the car?" asks the driver.
"Because it's an Audi Quattro, and that means 'Four', which means you're only allowed four people in the car, so I can't let you through. One of you will have to walk. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is", is the reply.
"This is ridiculous! There are 5 seats in the car. What's the model of car got to do with it?"
"Quattro means 'Four', and I'm only letting four of you through in that car. That's all there is to it."
"This is absolutely crazy!" says the driver. "We're on our way to a business meeting and we haven't got time for this nonsense. Either let us through the barrier, or let me speak to your senior officer."
"Well ... you might have a word with him, but you'll have to wait a while", says the officer. "At the moment he's a bit busy trying to deal with two guys who tried to slip through in a Fiat Uno."
The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem
from an EAGLE to a CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
from an EAGLE to a CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
The way Kids see it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following excerpts are ( supposedly )actual answers given on history
tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th
and 6th grade ages . Pretty interesting version of history!!! ( i dont care whether it is authentic or not, damn good stuff anyway )
----
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have
to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.
It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose
of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his
career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than
they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and
French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a
long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was
a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world
and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and
half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see
if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24
hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they
didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.
__________________
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following excerpts are ( supposedly )actual answers given on history
tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th
and 6th grade ages . Pretty interesting version of history!!! ( i dont care whether it is authentic or not, damn good stuff anyway )
----
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have
to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He
died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.
It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose
of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his
career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than
they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and
French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a
long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was
a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world
and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and
half English. He was very large.
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that
he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.
It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see
if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24
hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what
she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they
didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.
__________________
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
