Best Thread Joke of the day

[rc450]

..

and another fb classic.


old telesales phone prank.

 

[Pat494]

A girl asks her lover
If we get engaged will you give me a ring ?
Of course, he says
What’s your number ?

 

[Pat494]

Paddy is going through customs at Dublin airport when he's asked to identify a bottle in his luggage. " Dat's Holy Water I am bringing back from Lourdes", says Paddy. The customs officer opens it and takes a sniff." Smells more like brandy to me" he says.
"Isn't that fantastic " says Paddy. "Another bloody miracle"

 

[Pat494]

Q. What do coffins and condoms have in common ?

A. They're both full of stiffs. One's coming and the other is going.

 

[Dommo]

I cried when I saw this little vignette:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SPjy5RlqFE

 

[Pat494]

Do traders take their dogs for long walks or short walks
or does it depend on the market ?

 

[Adamus]

A short walk would be when you go for a walk and then say 'walkies' to your dog. You need a Trading Dog though, otherwise it won't understand.

 

[dick_dastardly]

Nobody got any good Liverpool jokes then?



dd

 

[Atilla]

Nobody got any good Liverpool jokes then?



dd

A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".
The son asked "is he worth it, Dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Tough game for Liverpool tomorrow.

Football.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

The beer drinkers prayer..

our beer
which art in bottles
p1ssed be thy sport
thy will be drunk, till i spew my chunk
at home as it is in the pub
give us each day our daily pint
and forgive us of our spillage
as we forgive those who spillest against us
and lead us not into the temptation of poofy wine tasting
and deliver us from tequila
for mine is the bitter
the talent and the footy
forever and ever
barmen

 

[Pat494]

Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan Miss," she replies.

The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"

"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well.

You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you?

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"

"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

I saw Liverpool FC's football pitch on Sky Sports in the summer and it looked in pretty bad condition.

Not to worry, it will look better in August when the season starts after they put millions of pounds worth of sh1t on it!

 

[0007]

A machine that catches thieves was invented. They took it for test in different countries; Chicago, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves; Naples, in 25 minutes it caught 800 thieves, Jo'burg, in 15 minutes it caught 8000, Liverpool, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen!

 

[Pat494]

Fortunate their colour is red - it won't show the blood so much when their creditors catch up with them

 

[dick_dastardly]

A machine that catches thieves was invented. They took it for test in different countries; Chicago, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves; Naples, in 25 minutes it caught 800 thieves, Jo'burg, in 15 minutes it caught 8000, Liverpool, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen!

True story:

Some people I know had some plants stolen out of their back garden during the night so they put up a 6' panel fence at the rear of the property to prevent any further loses.

Woke up one morning and looked out of the back window only to find that someone had stolen the wooden fence panels during the night.


dd

 

[Riftvalley]

Here is another true story.

Some friends of ours were at a dance with us recently and it was pouting with rain.

At the end of the dance they went and got in their car (Ford Mondeo) to go home. He is always a gentleman and opened the passenger door for her to get in, however when he got into the driver's side his wife was complaining that it was still raining. He told her this was stupid as they were inside the car.



When he looked up he realised that someone had stolen their windscreen!

(Wasn't in Liverpool either!!)

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Tiger Woods, Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Vernon Kay, Mark Owen and Ashley cole ...

What have they all got in common? ....

Wives who obviously need to make more of a effort.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Pedro Rodriguez, one of the trapped Chilean miners was said to be distraught last night after being told he'd forgotten to clock on at the start of his shift.