Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
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Andy Capp comes back from work:
'Get ye coot on luv 'goin out.'
Yu what?
Eeeh said get ye coot on, goin' out.
Andy Capp, weve been wed 20 year an you've never once takin me oot. Wot a surprise, where we gooin?
Yee not gooin anywhere luv. Im ooff daan poob an Im turnin' the heatin off!
'Get ye coot on luv 'goin out.'
Yu what?
Eeeh said get ye coot on, goin' out.
Andy Capp, weve been wed 20 year an you've never once takin me oot. Wot a surprise, where we gooin?
Yee not gooin anywhere luv. Im ooff daan poob an Im turnin' the heatin off!
Rognvald
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A drunk in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."
stoploss please
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Essex jokes
ma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")
eye-eels - Women's shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaire (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan - The city of London, the big smoke
webbats - Querying the location of something or someone. ("Webbats isme dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")
wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already").
ma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff")
eye-eels - Women's shoes
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaire (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan - The city of London, the big smoke
webbats - Querying the location of something or someone. ("Webbats isme dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")
wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already").
darktone
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just for a laugh
> > > > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "You would? <with a hurtful look on her face>."
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: <makes audible groan>.
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "I guess so."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: <silence>
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
> > > > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "You would? <with a hurtful look on her face>."
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: <makes audible groan>.
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "I guess so."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
> > > > >
> > > > > WIFE: <silence>
> > > > >
> > > > > HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
Last edited:
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours
In a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your
friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are
the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand
is everything else--the small stuff."
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take
care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple of beers."
In a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things--your family, your children, your health, your
friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are
the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand
is everything else--the small stuff."
If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things
that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take
care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room
for a couple of beers."
zigglewigler
Well-known member
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A woman walks into a bar.
'Bartender, give me a shot of whiskey'
The Bartender pours her a shot.
'This is for the Glory.' she says and downs it.
'Give me another.'
The Bartender pours her another.
'This is for the Shame.' she says and downs it.
'Give me another.'
'Excuse me,' says the Bartender, 'Why did you just toast the Glory and the Shame?'
'Well' says the woman, 'It's like this. When I clean my house, I like to do it naked. I bent down to pick something up and my Great Dane mounted me.'
'Oh, the Shame!' said the Bartender.
'No!' exclaimed the woman,'That was the Glory! The Shame was when we locked up, he dragged me out into the front garden.'
'Bartender, give me a shot of whiskey'
The Bartender pours her a shot.
'This is for the Glory.' she says and downs it.
'Give me another.'
The Bartender pours her another.
'This is for the Shame.' she says and downs it.
'Give me another.'
'Excuse me,' says the Bartender, 'Why did you just toast the Glory and the Shame?'
'Well' says the woman, 'It's like this. When I clean my house, I like to do it naked. I bent down to pick something up and my Great Dane mounted me.'
'Oh, the Shame!' said the Bartender.
'No!' exclaimed the woman,'That was the Glory! The Shame was when we locked up, he dragged me out into the front garden.'
TheBramble
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A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks the barman for a "Double Entendre".
So, he gives her one.
So, he gives her one.
TheBramble
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A white horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of best.
The barman serves him his drink.
Leaning up against the bar, the barman decided to try to make conversation.
Barman: "Haven't seen you in here before?".
White Horse: "No. I'm new in town".
B: "Staying long?".
WH: "Not sure".
B (struggling for conversational angle): "We've got a scotch whisky up there named after you..."
WH: "What...Eric?"
The barman serves him his drink.
Leaning up against the bar, the barman decided to try to make conversation.
Barman: "Haven't seen you in here before?".
White Horse: "No. I'm new in town".
B: "Staying long?".
WH: "Not sure".
B (struggling for conversational angle): "We've got a scotch whisky up there named after you..."
WH: "What...Eric?"
TheBramble
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Grizzly Bear walks into a bar (yes, it's a REALLY BUSY and VERY STRANGE bar)....
Grizzly Bear: "Pint of best please landlord".
Landlord: "Here you are sir. Haven't seen you in here before".
GB: "Haven't been in here before. Actually, I've never been into any bar, ever..."
L: "Well sir, that'll be £3.45 please".
Grizzly Bear hands landlord a tenner and waits for his change.
L:" Here you are sir." (handing him his change).
GB: "Thank you". Sips beer.
L: "Don't get many of your sort in here...."
GB: "I'm not surprised at these prices...."
Grizzly Bear: "Pint of best please landlord".
Landlord: "Here you are sir. Haven't seen you in here before".
GB: "Haven't been in here before. Actually, I've never been into any bar, ever..."
L: "Well sir, that'll be £3.45 please".
Grizzly Bear hands landlord a tenner and waits for his change.
L:" Here you are sir." (handing him his change).
GB: "Thank you". Sips beer.
L: "Don't get many of your sort in here...."
GB: "I'm not surprised at these prices...."
TheBramble
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Google - WMD
I don't know how long this will last before someone in authority at Google pulls the plug, but...
Go to www.google.co.uk (or .com - doesn't matter which)
Type in (without the quotes) 'weapons of mass destruction'
DO NOT hit enter, but click the 'I'm feeling lucky'.
If they've pulled it by the time you check it out. let me know and I'll post the word version I've just cut&pasted.
I don't know how long this will last before someone in authority at Google pulls the plug, but...
Go to www.google.co.uk (or .com - doesn't matter which)
Type in (without the quotes) 'weapons of mass destruction'
DO NOT hit enter, but click the 'I'm feeling lucky'.
If they've pulled it by the time you check it out. let me know and I'll post the word version I've just cut&pasted.
Rognvald
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Scene 1
Posh & Becks in a shop looking at a Thermos flask
to assistant:-
"whozzat en?"
"A thermos flask sir"
"So whozzit do en?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold sir"
"OK I'll ave on"
Scene 2
Later in the changing room:
"So what you got there becks?"
"A thermos flask"
"Yes but what've you got innit?" (Understand that this conversation took place at Manchester)
"Two cups a coffee an a choc ice!"
Posh & Becks in a shop looking at a Thermos flask
to assistant:-
"whozzat en?"
"A thermos flask sir"
"So whozzit do en?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold sir"
"OK I'll ave on"
Scene 2
Later in the changing room:
"So what you got there becks?"
"A thermos flask"
"Yes but what've you got innit?" (Understand that this conversation took place at Manchester)
"Two cups a coffee an a choc ice!"
