A guys in a pub with a mate after work and they are enjoying a good few beers. The guy turns to his friend and slurs: "damn, I told my wife that I was only going for a quiet beer and look at me....i'm hammered". Moments later he is sick all down his shirt.
He turns to his friend and says "ishhhh....i been sick!....'hicupp'.."
His friend replies: "Dont worry. Take this 20pound note and stick it in your top pocket...then when your wife sees the mess down your top you can tell her that some drunkard was sick on you in the pub, but that he gave you the money to get your shurt cleaned.."
The man likes the idea and stumbled home to his wife.
"Oh my god!.....what the hell ahve you been doing?! you said you were going for one drink!!!"
"Its ok baby....it washn't me....some drunkard was sick on me but he gave me the 20pound note in my top pocket to get my shirt cleaned"....replied the man
"Oh,....but theres two 20pound notes in your top pocket..."observed his wife
"Yeah,...he shat in my pants aswell"
>>Subject: Rules of Manhood
>> "You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
>>climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
>>entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend."
>> > Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>> > It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
>> > a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>> > b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>> > c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>> > d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>> > e. When she is using her teeth
>> > Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
>>eaten by his mates.
>> > Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
>>jail within 12 hours.
>> > If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
>>forever, unless you actually marry her.
>> > Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
>>Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>> > No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
>>In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
>> > On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
>> > When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
>>the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>> > It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
>>on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
>> > Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
>>another bloke in the nuts.
>> > Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>> > Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>> > If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
>> > Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
>>they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much
>>the other sports watchers.
>> > A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
>>sober enough to fight.
>> > Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
>>not both - that's just mean.
>> > If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
>>his choice of beer.
>> > Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
>>if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
>> > Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
>> > a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>> > b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>> > c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>> > Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
>> > Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
>>almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>> > Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
>>are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
>> > The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
>>carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
>>no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
>>mistake it was.
>> > It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
>> > Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
>>or sky blue.
>> > The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
>>with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
Just before the war,a Jewish comedian walked onto a Munich nightclub's stage.He stood to attention and gave a proud,arm-outstretched and palm to the floor Nazi salute.The audience looked at each other,murmured and one by one they rose and joined him. When silence descended he said:-"Last year,the snow was this high in Garmisch Partenkierchen."
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
I really didn’t know much about the stock market until becoming a senior in college. Here’s what happened.
There was this guy, Ed, in my dormitory the entire 4 years of college. He was the genius type with bad eyesight. He had these thick coke-bottle glasses and never went to class, but he always got A’s on every test. Instead of going to class, he just sat in his room and studied the stock market. He had stock charts all over the walls and even had a computer before you could even buy them in a store!
Upon reaching my senior year, I realized it was time to get serious about making a living, that I would need to go out and make some money. So I went down to talk to Ed.
"Ed," I said. "I’ll work as hard as I have to. Tell me how I can end up with one million dollars in the stock market." He scratched his head, then lowered his head and looked at me over the top of those thick glasses and said, "Start with $2 million."
A guy came in a bar for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?
The man replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, chemistry, philosophy, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball, cars, fixing the house, and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, what's stocks are you buying these days?"