I like this one.
Would you please stop doing that? If you like a post, use the 'recommend' button, please don't make another post. It generates emails to everyone who subscribes to the thread by email.
And here's my joke, so as not to be accused of the same -
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice
came over! ! ! the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f#&%^
everything has shifted."
>From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of you belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think
of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
GOD!
" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
