Best Thread Joke of the day
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Joseff
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Pat494
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A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
Gabrial
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Get caught sleeping?
Best excuses:
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
Best excuses:
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
Elizah was getting tired of the limp problems Rastus was having in the bedroom dept....
She said " Rastus, your gonna have to go see the doctor and get your problem sorted out, you as no good to me like that "
Reluctantly, Rastus duly trots off to see the quack.....
He arrives back home dressed to the nines in Top hat and tails.....
Elizah say's " lord above, why as you all dressed up like that , what did the doctor have to say "
Rastus replies " The doctor said as was impotent, so good golly as gonna dress impotent "
She said " Rastus, your gonna have to go see the doctor and get your problem sorted out, you as no good to me like that "
Reluctantly, Rastus duly trots off to see the quack.....
He arrives back home dressed to the nines in Top hat and tails.....
Elizah say's " lord above, why as you all dressed up like that , what did the doctor have to say "
Rastus replies " The doctor said as was impotent, so good golly as gonna dress impotent "
Pat494
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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
barjon
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said,
‘Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.’
Straightaway she replied:
‘Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.’
‘Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.’
Straightaway she replied:
‘Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick.’
Pat494
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Confucius Says:
War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left.
Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out."
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Trader without plan, like horse without rider - all over the effing place
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
Trader without plan , like bus without driver
War does not determine who's right. War determine who's left.
Man who sleeps on road, wakes up feeling run down.
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out."
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
Trader without plan, like horse without rider - all over the effing place
Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.
He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing
Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.
Trader without plan , like bus without driver
Last edited:
Pat494
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Gabrial
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Good one.
TheBramble
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Japanese Humour
Got this on my recent trip to Nihon. And no, these aren't anything like the names they use in the original.
The lads are in a bar discussing their latest sexual exploits. Darren tells them he’s currently shagging two twins and about how much they love it up the tradesman’s entrance. How do you tell them apart asks Dale? It’s easy says Darren.
Sally has big jugs and a shaved pussy.
Derek has a moustache and big bollox.
Got this on my recent trip to Nihon. And no, these aren't anything like the names they use in the original.
The lads are in a bar discussing their latest sexual exploits. Darren tells them he’s currently shagging two twins and about how much they love it up the tradesman’s entrance. How do you tell them apart asks Dale? It’s easy says Darren.
Sally has big jugs and a shaved pussy.
Derek has a moustache and big bollox.
Pat494
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Answering Machine Messages - 3 (No Sales)
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need insurance, double glazing windows or any of that cr*p, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need insurance, double glazing windows or any of that cr*p, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Adamson
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Joseff
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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Adamson
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Great Reasons To Be A Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work.. more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said..
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
perosi
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Very good.
