Best Thread Joke of the day

Paula Radcliffe joke...

What the difference between Paula Radcliffe and a Chocoholic?

At least a Chocoholic can finish a Marathon. :LOL:

Perhaps a bit unfair. Paula is a living legend in my eyes and was right to pull out of the marathon - given the conditions. I think a persons health should be more important than any medal or award. ;)
 
She should enter the triathlon........if she gets tired just jump on her bike, and if she gets too hot, go for a swim :cheesy:
 
Aylesbury Duck

Two city types walk into a very 'current' restaurant. After much consideration of their exquisitely small menu one of the gents orders Duck. He asks the waiter "Is it Aylesbury Duck? I'll only eat Aylesbury Duck you know!".

The waiter assures him it is and the dinner meanders along pleasantly. The mains arrive.

With a flourish, the waiter serves the Duck.

The gent carefully rolls up his shirtsleeve, and plunges his hand into the derriere of the Duck.

"This isn't Aylesbury Duck..." he fumes! "This Duck is from Chipping Norton!!!".

With effusive apologies the waiter quickly whisks the offending avian away promising to return with a Duck of the required geographical region.

Some half hour later, the dish is once again placed before our fastidious city type. The ritual repeats, and after plunging his hand into the Duck's rear quarters explodes "What are you trying to do to me? This is no Aylesbury Duck. This Duck is from the South side of the Eagle pond at Clapham Common. Fetch me my Aylesbury Duck! Nothing else will do you know""

Abashed, the waiter promises to have harsh words with the chef.

Another half hour passes and the sorely put-upon waiter returns. With some trepidation, he lays the dish in front of his demanding diner and waits the results of his usual test.

"Perfect." Says the city gent. Then, with a sudden realisation of the utter pain he has been to his attentive waiter he says to him" Tell me, you've been so willing, accommodating and polite my man, what's your name?".

"My name is John, sir" replies the now much relived. but still somewhat brassed off waiter.

"And where are you from John?".

Dropping his trousers to his ankles and turning his back to the gent, bending over he says "Perhaps sir, as an expert in these matters, would care to hazard a guess?".
 
Three guys in a bar

1st guy- after i have sex with my wife i rub her all over with body oil, and she rises 7 inches from the bed.
2nd guy- after i have sex with my wife i rub her all over with body oil and she rises 14 inches from the bed.
3rd guy- after i have sex with the wife i get up, wipe my co#k on the curtain and she hits the fu#kin roof
 
A man finds out his wife is having an affair and full of saddness and anger he hires a hitman.

One day, when he knows his wife is due for a visit from her lover, the husband and the highly trained sniper walk to a local golf course where they have a perfect view of the house and sure enough when the hitman looks down his sights into the bedroom he sees the couple making love.
"i have them in my sights, are you sure you want to go through with this? Its £1000 a bullet"
"yes, i'm positive i want you to shoot my wife in the head with one shot and take the other mans ***** off with the second"

The assasin takes careful aim which seems to last for ever then says to the husband "hang on a minute mate, i think i can do this in one shot"
 
Perhaps a bit unfair. Paula is a living legend in my eyes and was right to pull out of the marathon - given the conditions. I think a persons health should be more important than any medal or award.
Click to expand...

You are only as good as your last trade.
There can be no forgiveness for such an incompetent performance. If I had an employee perform in an analogous manner they would be out. It is a problem that we British always make excuses for a good loser. Paula needs a good kick up the backside, this is her job and if she cannot hack it anymore then she is a has-been and should retire.
 
twalker said:
You are only as good as your last trade.
There can be no forgiveness for such an incompetent performance. If I had an employee perform in an analogous manner they would be out. It is a problem that we British always make excuses for a good loser. Paula needs a good kick up the backside, this is her job and if she cannot hack it anymore then she is a has-been and should retire.
Click to expand...

she quit after she realised she wasn't going to get a medal. that's rubbish.
 
It's a bit unfair to find Paula Radcliffe on the joke's page - but regarding health? In my opinion (an uniformed tv spectator) one has a sneaking suspicion Paula pulled out from both races because she could not face not only not coming in first, but not also in the medals. I know she was in distress in the marathon but perhaps psychological pressure contributed to this?

Heat can seriously affect a runner's performance. And some more than others. Personally I suspect it was the heat that caused her to under perform massively, and that is not her fault. But it was possibly more a psychological reason that impelled her to pull out.

I think she is still an outstanding athlete but I do not think she was a good loser. A good loser finishes the race. Some years ago, Steve Jones, who was a running star at the time, finished way down the field (I can't remember if this was the World or the Olympic Championships). Everyone expected him to finish in the medals, and it was commented on by the pundits at the time that many runners would have pulled out. But he was running for his country and chose to finish the race with honour no matter the position. It was a noble sign of mental toughness.

I think if you are seriously injured it is foolish to continue - pull out to run another day (and this equally applies in my opinion to all those under-trained joggers in the London marathon that are encouraged to finish, never mind crawling along Birdcage Walk). But there is a sneaking suspicion that Paula Radcliffe may have taken the view (unconsciously perhaps) that if you are DNF (did not finish) you are not beaten - you don't figure in the places further down the race. But of course you are beaten if you line up at the start. Everyone has to take responsibility when they begin something.

I still think Paula Radcliffe is a great athlete and hopefully will go onto better performances. But I suspect I was not alone in finding a bit of winging going on after the race! But then it was no joke for her. No doubt she will come back stronger.

Is this really the joke page? Have I lost my way?
 
In bed last night my wife said she wanted me to make love to her like an olympic athlete. I thought she meant like a marathon runner - lasting a long time and a fast finish. She actually meant once every four years.
 
barjon - sounds like she's treating you like a sex object.

You mention sex and she objects...
 
An old one.....

I recently visited my GP. After two visits and
exhaustive tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I asked him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat steak?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a **** if you live to be
80?"
 
APPLICATION TO LIVE WITHIN
THE
CITY OR COUNTY
OF
Dublin
(Including Fingal)
Anyone not born within the City and County of Dublin will now be required to
Complete the attached application form and return it to:
The Immigration and Population Control Officer
(Culchie Section)
Dublin Corporation Offices
Wood Quay
Dublin 2.
within 21 days of arriving in the City or County of Dublin

Application to live in the City or County of Dublin.
(Including Fingal)

Name:__________________________
Nickname : (what your friends call you ) __________________________
Address : ( herd number ) _________________________
Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) ____________________________
( If you don't know your Daddy, list three suspects )
Mother: _____________________________

Neck Shade: Light Red  Medium Red  Dark Red 
Do You own you own teeth ? Yes  No 
If borrowed, please state from whom. ________________________
Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: _____ Lower: _____
Length of Right Leg: ____ Length of Left Leg: ____
How many wellies do you own ? ______ (pairs)
Size of Farm:
(please tick)
Middlin'  Smallish  Bit of a Field  Only A Bog 

Make of your Tractor: ________________ Weight of Your Tractor: ___________
Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack  4 Wheel Drive  Cassette Deck  Load of Turf  Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers  Truck Wheels  Sawdoctor's CDs  Mud Flaps 
Toothpick Holder  Big Dog  Goat's Hide 
Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: _________
BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)
"Well Holy God"  Me Other Car Is A Piece of ****E Too  If you're not from Cavan, you're not worth a ****e  Mayo for Sam  Honk if you love Glenroe  Supermacs 

FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)
Margo  Big Tom  Loretta Lynn  Hank Williams  Brendan Shine  Garth Brooks  Tammy Wynette  Declan Nerney  Daniel O' Donnell  Meself  What's A Vocalist? 
FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)
Line Dancin'  Sheep Shaggin'  Slurry Smellin'  Bailin' Hay  Dole Signin'  Drinkin'  Chewin' Tabacca  Belchin'  Spittin'  Other 
Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)
Mary  Biddy  Bridie  Udder 

Weapons Owned :
(please tick)
Shovel  Power or Chain Saw  Pick Handle  Slash Hook  Hurley  Other 
Cap Emblem:
(please tick)
Guinness  Smithwicks  Massey Ferguson  Net Nitrate 10-10-20  Kerry Co-Op 
Smile if you're wearin' wellies 

Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed ____
Number of Weeks Unemployed: ______ (REALLY ____ )
Membership Of:
(please tick)
GAA  IFA  Macra  ICA  Youth Defence  Fine Gael 
Car Model:
(please tick)
Ford Cortina  Ford Escort MK1  Ford Escort MK2  Fiat Ritmo  VW Jetta  Humber  Honda 50 

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____
Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)
Sister  Brother  Cousin  Cow 
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes  No 
Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes  No 
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? ________ If Yes, Why ? __________
Can you count to :
(please tick)
Ten with your shoes on  Twenty-one with your fly closed 
Medical History:
B.O.  Bovine T.B.  Smelly Feet  Runny Nose  Bad Breath  Head Lice  Sheep Lice 
Foot & Mouth Disease 
Please give the same information in respect to yourself. 
THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN THIS FORM
We Will Let You Know If Ewe Can Stay Next Week.


and another...

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.
So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.
Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. "Don't look now" says Murphy, "But we are about to become millionaires!"
 
Last edited:
Trader Joke

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
"Excuse me, but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am," he said.

The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."

To which the balloonist replied:
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"

The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded: "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...
 
The new bull enters the field.

He runs up to the old bull and says, lets run down to the bottom of the field and shag those two cows down there.

The old bull says ...nah......... lets just walk down and shag them all.
 
Two dyslexics sitting watching telly, one says to the other "Can you smell gas?"
The other one says "Leave it out mate, I can't even smell me own name!" :LOL:
 
That actually reminds me of one of those moments when you just HAD to say it, even if the vicar did give you a funny look afterwards....
An A4 sheet was photocpied and sent to all staff advertising "The Dyslexia Roadshow". At a staff meeting I asked "what's this daily sex show we've all been invited to?"
(The silence was deafening.)
 
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