Pat494
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Professionals
You may have seen the Mythbusters test of European roundabouts versus US no priority crossings.
The roundabouts won on sheer volume of traffic passing through.
Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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You may have seen the Mythbusters test of European roundabouts versus US no priority crossings.
The roundabouts won on sheer volume of traffic passing through.
Pat494
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It had been snowing all night. So:
8:00 am I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
Super joke Atilla.
It might help adding
8.05 I put the wife's blonde wig on the top. 2 burly men chased me indoors. They must have been Republicans.
8:00 am I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
Super joke Atilla.
It might help adding
8.05 I put the wife's blonde wig on the top. 2 burly men chased me indoors. They must have been Republicans.
Atilla
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On that video I was most impressed with that dog crossing the road.
Doesn't even look left or right, brake pace, pause or hurry. Cool as a cucumber following master.
Absolutely amazing stuff. :clap::clap::clap:
Atilla
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There is much talk on T2W about bullsh1t, b0ll0cks and nutsacks. It's becoming terribly so confusing. As if by magic one of my super friends who happens to be a doctor has enlightened me and I would like to share that great pearl of wisdom for you to explore as well. Love and peace with some prosperity out of SBling-ing too xx
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard of
People having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
Your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning,
Or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
Having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.
xxThere is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard of
People having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
Your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning,
Or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
Perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
Having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both are fatal.
Nowler
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Not a joke but funny as fk!
I was in Costa today and an old lady came in on her mobility scooter.
She was trying to do a three point turn and shot forward into a table... then in panic she slapped it into reverse and hopped off the counter. HARD!
Everyone was worried and asking her if she was ok...
I on the other hand couldn't contain myself and erupted into laugher!
All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy!
My day is well and truly made!
I was in Costa today and an old lady came in on her mobility scooter.
She was trying to do a three point turn and shot forward into a table... then in panic she slapped it into reverse and hopped off the counter. HARD!
Everyone was worried and asking her if she was ok...
I on the other hand couldn't contain myself and erupted into laugher!
All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy!
My day is well and truly made!
timsk
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This isn't a joke per se, but it made me laugh - and it's real! By which I mean, it's an actual chat between me and mrs. timsk earlier this evening. A little background to the conversation: I've just taken delivery of a brand new cement mixer earlier this week - as we're doing up our 60s bungalow that we moved into last March. Tomorrow, I plan to put in the concrete footings for a small extension . . .
ME: I've just been into the garage [where the cement mixer currently lives], and told her that she's going to lose her virginity tomorrow.
Mrs. timsk: Oh, so you think the mixer is a 'she' rather than a 'he' do you?
ME: Oh yeah, definitely, that's the vibe I'm getting.
Mrs. timsk: Is that because you chuck in muck and shortly afterwards 'she' spits it all out?
ME: I've just been into the garage [where the cement mixer currently lives], and told her that she's going to lose her virginity tomorrow.
Mrs. timsk: Oh, so you think the mixer is a 'she' rather than a 'he' do you?
ME: Oh yeah, definitely, that's the vibe I'm getting.
Mrs. timsk: Is that because you chuck in muck and shortly afterwards 'she' spits it all out?
sminicooper
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Nazi Box component makes headlines
You remember those Nazi Boxes that were smuggled out at the end of WW2 that have since made their owner-traders untold riches? Well, their advanced technology was based on the flux-capacitator which now, 70 years later is in common use in light aircraft but can fail with disastrous consequences. (Not to be confused with the flux valve which was patented in 1941)
Watch this report – 00:10 seconds is the crucial part:
all
You remember those Nazi Boxes that were smuggled out at the end of WW2 that have since made their owner-traders untold riches? Well, their advanced technology was based on the flux-capacitator which now, 70 years later is in common use in light aircraft but can fail with disastrous consequences. (Not to be confused with the flux valve which was patented in 1941)
Watch this report – 00:10 seconds is the crucial part:
timsk
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Another little real life anecdote from me - not a joke as such - but it made me laugh . . .
Yesterday, at the ar$e end of the day, Mrs. timsk and I went into a Warren's Bakery just before it was about to close to get a couple of Cornish pasties to take home for our evening meal. As we walked in, the smiley sales assistant offered us all sorts of cakes and sweet pastries at vastly reduced prices, but no reduction on the last two large pasties costing £3.89p each - which was all we wanted. With a big cheesy grin on my ugly mug and a £5.00 note in my hand, I asked: "what about the two remaining Cornish pasties - can we have them for a fiver?" "No" came the reply, instantly wiping the smile from my face. Then, after a pensive moment, she said: "I tell you what - how about I let you have them for £2.00 each?" So I handed over my fiver and, in return, she duly gave me the two pasties and £1.00 in change! "Have a nice day" she said. "Oh I will" I replied, "in fact - you've just made it!" True story.
Yesterday, at the ar$e end of the day, Mrs. timsk and I went into a Warren's Bakery just before it was about to close to get a couple of Cornish pasties to take home for our evening meal. As we walked in, the smiley sales assistant offered us all sorts of cakes and sweet pastries at vastly reduced prices, but no reduction on the last two large pasties costing £3.89p each - which was all we wanted. With a big cheesy grin on my ugly mug and a £5.00 note in my hand, I asked: "what about the two remaining Cornish pasties - can we have them for a fiver?" "No" came the reply, instantly wiping the smile from my face. Then, after a pensive moment, she said: "I tell you what - how about I let you have them for £2.00 each?" So I handed over my fiver and, in return, she duly gave me the two pasties and £1.00 in change! "Have a nice day" she said. "Oh I will" I replied, "in fact - you've just made it!" True story.
sminicooper
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Another little real life anecdote from me - not a joke as such - but it made me laugh . . .
Yesterday, at the ar$e end of the day, Mrs. timsk and I went into a Warren's Bakery just before it was about to close to get a couple of Cornish pasties to take home for our evening meal. As we walked in, the smiley sales assistant offered us all sorts of cakes and sweet pastries at vastly reduced prices, but no reduction on the last two large pasties costing £3.89p each - which was all we wanted. With a big cheesy grin on my ugly mug and a £5.00 note in my hand, I asked: "what about the two remaining Cornish pasties - can we have them for a fiver?" "No" came the reply, instantly wiping the smile from my face. Then, after a pensive moment, she said: "I tell you what - how about I let you have them for £2.00 each?" So I handed over my fiver and, in return, she duly gave me the two pasties and £1.00 in change! "Have a nice day" she said. "Oh I will" I replied, "in fact - you've just made it!" True story.
Sad reflection on today's educational standards. Bit like the supermarkets where the "giant multi-buy" works out more expensive than the small individual packs. Crazy world!
Atilla
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Pat494
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Murthy's Law of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
(a)when you're ready for them.
(b)when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
13. If you draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
14. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
15. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
16. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
17. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
18. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
19. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
20. Friendly fire isn't.
21. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
22. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
23. Five second fuses only last 3 seconds.
24. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
25. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
26. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
27. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
28. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
29. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
30. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. Interchangeable parts aren't.
32. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
33. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).
34. The one item you need is always in short supply.
35. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
36. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
37. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
38. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
39. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
40. When you have sufficient supplies and ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
41. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
42. If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
(a)when you're ready for them.
(b)when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
13. If you draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
14. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
15. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
16. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
17. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
18. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
19. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
20. Friendly fire isn't.
21. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
22. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
23. Five second fuses only last 3 seconds.
24. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
25. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
26. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
27. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
28. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
29. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
30. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. Interchangeable parts aren't.
32. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
33. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).
34. The one item you need is always in short supply.
35. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
36. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
37. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
38. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
39. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
40. When you have sufficient supplies and ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
41. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
42. If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.
sminicooper
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The funny side of waste disposal
Came across this driving through Milton Keynes yesterday. I was tempted to put it in the UK Politics / Brexit thread.
Came across this driving through Milton Keynes yesterday. I was tempted to put it in the UK Politics / Brexit thread.
