Sven Goran Eriksson arrives for his first training session as England manager, and wanders into the changing room – only to spot a massive, steaming turd nestling in the middle of the shower room. Fuming, he returns to his players in the main changing area. ‘Who's sh*t on the floor?’ he screams. ‘Me, boss,’ cries Emil Heskey, ‘but I'm not bad in the air.’