A job as a professional footballer with no experience

pboyles

Legendary member
8,072 1,302
I see a lot of footballers make loads of money so I've decided this is the career for me. I've no experience at all, I'm a bit fat but so is that Rooney fellow, I tried playing football once but I scored 3 own goals and got sent off. Anyhow I'm sure I can make it. What career advice do you have? Should I call up the HR department and ask what qualifications I need?

How's about an O level in PT? Would they take me seriously if I can pass it? It's not from a red brick educational establishment but still. What else do you suggest, I can't be arsed to google any of this, just tell me.

I might go to Manchester and knock on a few doors.
 

Lord Flasheart

Legendary member
9,796 975
Here at futecks training we can help you achieve your goals. Our 28 day comprehensive programme will enable you to achieve the results to become a footballer of stature. Once we have taught you to play we will also give you other life skills such as how to obtain super injunctions,plus a full day learning the art of roasting in preparation for those lonely saturday nights. We do require a small contribution to your training costs paid upfront(£4000) and 10% of your first years salary.
 

pboyles

Legendary member
8,072 1,302
Here at futecks training we can help you achieve your goals. Our 28 day comprehensive programme will enable you to achieve the results to become a footballer of stature. Once we have taught you to play we will also give you other life skills such as how to obtain super injunctions,plus a full day learning the art of roasting in preparation for those lonely saturday nights. We do require a small contribution to your training costs paid upfront(£4000) and 10% of your first years salary.

Now I appreciate you need to make some money but can I possibly pay you 25% up front and then pay off the rest each month? I know this will be no problem because I'll be receiving my 50,000 a week salary.
 

pboyles

Legendary member
8,072 1,302
Here at futecks training we can help you achieve your goals. Our 28 day comprehensive programme will enable you to achieve the results to become a footballer of stature. Once we have taught you to play we will also give you other life skills such as how to obtain super injunctions,plus a full day learning the art of roasting in preparation for those lonely saturday nights. We do require a small contribution to your training costs paid upfront(£4000) and 10% of your first years salary.

Dare I ask what your success rate is? I mean if it's like 1 or 2 percent then that's fine. I mean if I didn't give you 4k I'd have no chance.
 

Lord Flasheart

Legendary member
9,796 975
Now I appreciate you need to make some money but can I possibly pay you 25% up front and then pay off the rest each month? I know this will be no problem because I'll be receiving my 50,000 a week salary.

Now were jumping ahead here.First you need to pass the aptitude test,then if and only if you are selected will we talk about financial issues. However I can see that you are extremely driving and likely to pass so we can look at other ways of paying.There is a shortage of quality players at the moment so will accept 5% of your first years salary but the initial contribution and I stress it is only a contribution is still payable to show your commitment to us. Please find a sponsor and apply immediately
 

pboyles

Legendary member
8,072 1,302
Now were jumping ahead here.First you need to pass the aptitude test,then if and only if you are selected will we talk about financial issues. However I can see that you are extremely driving and likely to pass so we can look at other ways of paying.There is a shortage of quality players at the moment so will accept 5% of your first years salary but the initial contribution and I stress it is only a contribution is still payable to show your commitment to us. Please find a sponsor and apply immediately

Yes I totally get it, you don't want a bunch of dreamers just turning up expecting to get it for free. Asking for 4k will definitely keep them out. I tell you what I'll do, I'll cash in my McDonalds pension, that's worth about 5k because I've been with them 20 years.
 

pboyles

Legendary member
8,072 1,302
My apologies. Of course this is all dependant on passing your aptitude test. I don't mean to be presumptuous.
 

Lord Flasheart

Legendary member
9,796 975
My apologies. Of course this is all dependant on passing your aptitude test. I don't mean to be presumptuous.

your attitude is one of inspiration and I look forward to welcoming you to the team.
To reduce your contribution as there is such a shortage we can offer a referral fee for anyone you introduce. All applicants must be under 35 as otherwise there will be little playing time left in there careers for us to recoup our outlay. There is also a minimum age of 7 for the academy. Students under 16 will not be able to participate in certain aspects of the training that were mentioned in my first post.
Once training is completed you can expect to earn around £1.25m a year and in some cases it could be tax free.
 

Lord Flasheart

Legendary member
9,796 975
We only take suitable applicants who pass the aptitude test and are below the age of 35 and a weight of less than 19 stone. However we make make exceptions as there is a great demand at the moment.Do you want to apply
 

barjon

Legendary member
10,689 1,806
Wow, I've just stumbled across this thread and I must say it's daft to even think about paying some dodgy outfit all that money.

I just took my first kick ever at a football three months ago and it sailed into the net no problem. Since then I've had 142 kicks and scored 141 times (slipped running up on one). I tell you, this footballing lark is dead easy if you're wearing the right boots. Mine are custom made and you can have pair for only £200.

Might sound a bit expensive but they are guaranteed to score every time and I've proved it haven't I.
 
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