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Yes, thank you very much. I've tried some things, and I will try the others another time. I do breathe through my stomach usually and I never had any panic attacks. Maybe I have a different type of anxiety than you are thinking. Certainly I am not healthy. I don't want to take medications because they might make me sleepy. I don't want to lose my efficiency by taking pills, but also I don't want to be so efficient as to send death threats to some guy on ebay who hasn't mailed me my laptop yet. All this anxiety of course I got from my dad, who was always putting pressure on me to do everything perfectly, from tying my shoes to sitting to shaving to haircuts to walking to talking to thinking to everything... having a maniac in your family doesn't help you to become a balanced person.

I just noticed your second post now, seven minutes later, and I see that it answers some of my questions and relates to things I've said in this post. Keep in mind that I wrote the above without having read your second post.
 
most people that suffer anxiety problems are perfectionists who have a fear of being negatively assessed by others.

i have 2 people very close to me that suffer from anxiety related issues, its a massive part of their lives...but frustratingly it doesn't have to be.

there is a lot of help and resource in our countries for things like this, but one of the hardest things to overcome is the resistance from the person with the issue to get the help to deal with it!!

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
 
By the way, I've just had my usual depressing conversation with my father, aka the wall, aka mr catastrophe. We've decided the course of action regarding that job offer. I won't sell any signals nor manage anyone else's capital because it'd be illegal, and I might risk losing my job at the bank (we're not even supposed to trade with our money). I will give them advice for free and write some posts for them. That's all. Let's knock off this bull**** while we're not started yet. I will go to the meeting and refuse all their propositions, and will say I'll help them for free, with advice.
 
Perfectionist, yes. That's me. I can be perfect, without being anxious? I don't know. Easygoing people are much more defective than me. They drive really badly, they're a hazard to everyone around them. If I have to choose I'd rather be anxious. But if I could get rid of the bad stuff, without getting rid of the good stuff, that would be great. Like I would like to know when it's ok and reasonable and convenient to harass some guy on ebay because he hasn't sent me my laptop yet, and when it's not a good idea to do so. I know I tend to exaggerate, but... I am so self-centered that I cannot have an objective point of view and realize when I am being taken advantage of and when instead I am stressing people out. So I tend to go from stressing people out a lot, to being taken advantage of, without ever being in the right middle.

I'll go offline for a few hours now, don't worry if I don't reply. Goodnight all. Thanks for keeping me company.

Aww... man. It sure is an unpleasant experience talking to my dad. Each time I give him a chance and each time I get to talk to a person who looks like an executioner.
 
the problem with anxiety is that there is not one, single part of your life, it won't have an impact on.

you may only be perceiving people take advantage of you, because you're already anxious about people taking advantage of you.

with an anxiety problem - you're always anxious.

if you're always anxious - you can not objectively asses anything!

you need to deal with it first.

you need rid of the negative thought processes.

its funny, the people close to me who have anxiety problems are also incredibly self-centred! i think this is due to their state of anxiousness, it literally takes up a lot of their time, thoughts and energy!
 
Yes, this is very good. Everything you said applies to me: negativity, inability to assess, I am well aware of it, and self-centeredness, too. Furthermore, I am self-conscious. I can't stand to eat at a restaurant if there's someone sitting in front of me: I'll feel that they're looking at me and feel uncomfortable. When my father looks at me, as we speak, it bothers me. Just his presence bothers me. Also it bothers me if anyone looks at me and I am not sure 100% they're my friends. I would feel like saying "you don't have the right to look at me". Sometimes I go up to them and say "hello", to make them stop looking. Probably I make enemies out of people who didn't have an opinion on me, just because they were rude enough to be looking at me in the first place.

These are rude people, you can't understand maybe, because in England, Korea and Sweden, the countries you know, people are quite respectful: they don't stare. Here in Italy instead, especially in Rome, people are very much like animals. They talk rudely, they act rudely, and they stare at you if they feel like it, they even make fun of you without even knowing you. It's an underdeveloped country and particularly the city I am living in. Here people are so low that they might even make fun of someone's handicap. For an honest taxi driver and serial killer like me life is hard here. That's how I turned into a serial killer. You see - even if I see even the ugliest person on earth I will not stare at him, but just pretend that I didn't notice him.

I will be working with you on my anxiety. After all - I've done some research - you're a famous Swedish doctor, and you know your stuff.

However, don't forget that, as I said a few times, worrying about "problems" also means solving them. Yes: worrying about things that are not "problems" does mean creating problems. We have to first make sure that by losing my anxiety I am losing more fake problems than gaining real problems. Seriously: I am not going to forget my keys, ever. If instead I am relaxed, these things do happen - I know it from personal experience. When you are relaxed bad **** happens. That's one of the main things my dad taught me my whole life, and he might be wrong or right, but I have definitely learned it and I can't get rid of it: never relax. Don't ever relax or things will get on top of you. You have to be alert and stay on top of thing all the time, preventing problems before they happen. This is me. Constant alertness trying to avoid problems.


Watch "Taxi Driver"
 
I can't believe I bought that hp 6730b laptop without even caring to look at how much ram it had and CPU power. It has half as much ram as the standard model, and I paid the same price for it. Also: the CPU is half as powerful. I went and bought it just like I open my discretionary trades. And now I feel the urge of doubling up my position by buying the right one, which is being sold right now at 100 euros with just 2 days to go (it will end at 500). I'll be lucky if it has enough strength to let my systems run. Really lucky. If it doesn't, I'll have to buy another one. All this in order to save 50 euros. I did save 50 euros after all, and I bought a 6730b which half as good as the others.

Here's what I'm going to do about it. I will use this model for 6 months. Then, when the other model will be sold for only like 400 dollars, I will buy it and give this to a friend, as a gift. It'd be a waste of space to keep both. But to a friend who really deserves it. Or to a cousin, but someone who treats objects properly, without breaking them, because those people don't deserve anything. All those many people who don't have respect for things and who are untidy.
 
Back to work. Treated to lunch a colleague and my boss. They seemed quite happy about it. My boss said "you're generous", and I said "no way". I don't know about generosity... It was convenient for me: I've been getting drunk in front of my boss, I've been coming back to work late in front of my boss, and he was ok with it because he did it as well, and actually he even thanked me. It was well worth paying. Any time. I can't wait to have enough money to corrupt everyone and make everything go my way.

Anxiety now: from receiving the laptop. Hopefully today. Maybe Monday. Won't be satisfied until I see that my systems run properly on it, with enough ram and CPU. Otherwise I really got ripped off, but not really because he specified everything (ram and cpu) on ebay. So it would be just my usual unprofitable trade.

Anxiety from memories. Anxiety from expectations. Anxiety from fears.
 
Anxiety from memories. My right temple is hurting. This could be from the time, over 10 years ago, when, in college, I was walking back home from the swimming pool, and while crossing the bridge, from a car, driven by two "townies", that I had never met before, came a flying bottle towards my temple, and I heard this sentence "have a pepsi!". I can't believe the violence in the States. These things don't happen even here in Rome, inhabited by all these animals. I wish I could have killed those two animals. In the States people are really polite when they are walking, and they'll say "hi", but then if they're driving, the same people might take a shot at you. Mmh, what a totally amazing excellent discovery.
 
All right, that's good.
Computer got sent and is already here on my table.
No one stared at me at the vending machines.
Boss was happy.
Taxi driver didn't rip me off.
Making some money with my systems.
Pretty good. Couldn't be better. Now I'd like to go back in the past and change a few things. Otherwise I am satisfied.
 
Of course I would like to, but we only get 20 days per year, and I ran out of them in July. Anyway. Yes, I know I don't sound very healthy mentally speaking, or balanced. But what matters is that all my hard work was done. I got the systems, I got the infrastructure (the computers are enough for any kind of foreseeable emergency). I got a little capital, too. Now I can at least try to relax, if I can manage. All work is done. I had to be unbalanced to take care of it. If you're relaxed and in a good mood, you're not going to spend months working on automated systems. You'll go do something else, if you are in a healthy state of mind.
 
I have to hand it to Weighbridge for the drawdown automated formula on excel: it is turning out to be very very useful, as forward tests keep coming in. This weekend, too, I have saved 20 minutes of work, and have gotten absolutely reliable maximum drawdown and maximum loss data (I added that formula later). Without him it would have never happened. Thank you.
 
I can't believe it. That friend of mine, that colleague I told you about here and here, that got insulted by his boss (I didn't take him out to lunch yet)... he's always proposing some kind of partnership to me: "let's start a company", "let's put our systems together"... And I told him: "look, we're friends and I will help you for free, but a partnership is not convenient for me, because I like my method best, and your fundamental analysis system in my opinion is not as good as mine, so it wouldn't make sense, financially, for me to accept to split profits with you. I mean, after all, I'm in this business to maximize my profits, so don't be offended but to me it doesn't make sense to split profits with you". I can't believe how easy it is to turn people down when you're talking business. If I were to motivate this way to a girl or a friend the fact of not hanging out with them, it'd be considered very rude: "look, my business is to maximize my pleasure obviously, and since I get more pleasure out of this other person, I'm going to have to reject your offer". But with trading and finance, this is totally cool. What a totally amazing excellent discovery. When you take a financial point of view, you can justify anything to anyone.

...Sonny: Then you tell them to hand over Sollozzo!
Tom Hagen: Your father wouldn't want to hear this, Sonny. This is business not personal.
Sonny: They shoot my father and it's business, my ass!
Tom Hagen: Even shooting your father was business not personal, Sonny!
Sonny: Well then, business is going to have to suffer. And please, do me a favor, Tom. No more advice on how to patch things up just help me win, please?
Tom Hagen: I found out about this Captain McClusky who broke Mike's jaw.
Sonny: Alright, what about him.
Tom Hagen: He's definitely on Sollozzo's payroll and for big money. Now, McClusky has agreed to be the Turk's bodyguard. Now what you have to understand, Sonny, is that while Sollozzo's being guarded like this he is invulnerable. Nobody has ever gunned down a New York police captain before. It would be disasterous. All the other five families would turn against you. The Corleone Family would be outcast. Even the old man's political protection would run for cover. So, do me a favor, take this into consideration.
Sonny: Alright, we wait.
Michael: You can't wait.
Sonny: What?
Michael: You can't wait. I don't care what Sollozzo says about a deal he's gonna kill Pop. He has to. It's a key for him. You gotta get Sollozzo.
Clemenza: Mikey's right.
Sonny: Alright, Professor, what about McClusky. What do we do with this cop here?
Michael: They want to have a meeting with me, right? It will be me, McClusky and Sollozzo. Let's set the meeting. We get our informants to find out where it's going to be held. Now we insist that it be held in a public place, a bar or a restaurant where there'll be other people there so I'll feel safe. They're going to search me when I first meet them, right? So I can't have a weapon on me. But if Clemenza can figure a way to have a weapon planted for me, then I'll kill them both.
Sonny: [laughing] What are you gonna do? Nice college boy, didn't want to get mixed up in the family business. Now you want to gun down a police captain. Why? Because he slapped you in the face a little? What do you think this like the Army where you can shoot 'em from a mile away? No you gotta get up like this and, badda-bing, you blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. C'mere.
[Kisses Michael on the head]
Sonny: You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personal.
Michael Corleone: Where does it say that you can't kill a cop?
Tom Hagen: Come on, Mikey...
Michael Corleone: Tom, wait a minute. I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs. I'm talking about a - a - a dishonest cop - a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming to him. That's a terrific story. And we have newspaper people on the payroll, don't we, Tom?
[Tom nods]
Michael Corleone: And they might like a story like that.
Tom Hagen: They might, they just might.
Michael Corleone: [to Sonny] It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.
Click to expand...

The Godfather (1972) - Memorable quotes
Watch "The Godfather"
 
BEST DEAL OF MY LIFE
Holy cow!

I either got ripped off really badly, but I don't think so, or I made the best deal of my life at this store:
http://www.getpartsonline.com/hp-compaq.html

After buying my 6730B laptop on Ebay, I saw the battery only lasted for 3 hours, so I was looking everywhere for this ultra-capacity HP battery: HP 12-Cell Ultra-Capacity Battery (AT486AA), and it seemed to cost everywhere about 300 dollars, but, holy cow, I found it at a store in New York for just 90 dollars. I can't believe how great this store is. I am going to buy everything I can from it in the future. If you don't believe me, check out these two links, and by the way, I do recommend HP products by all means:
Price at HP UK: £ 134 Ex. VAT
Price at getpartsonline.com: $ 89.99 incl.taxes
 

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Interesting

My hot water didn't work yesterday not today. I had to take very cold showers. I noticed that taking a cold shower, just like sleeping less than needed, changes your personality: in my case by making me less aware of conventions, pain, fears, and it makes me less reluctant to speak up. It makes me more selfish, stronger, direct, sincere. It makes me more of an animal, and less of a civilized person. It's as if being deprived of things I need made me less aware of other people's needs. The same exact effect has sleep deprivation. I guess this has to do with the fact that when you feel good, you also have a lot, and when you feel you have a lot, you have a lot to lose as well. When you feel you don't have a lot, you crave for it, and no one can stop you. This could be useful and be used to my advantage. For example, before meeting with someone I have to stand up to, I could take a cold shower and try to sleep less. Like if I have to meet some arrogant asshole, then I'll do all these things, so when I meet him, I am just about ready to kill him.
 
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