my journal 2

[Yamato]

gee...

Jesus... I can't stop thinking about death. ****ing du Sautoy and his documentaries about math and diagrams. He kept talking about death, showing all these scientists coming up with a formula and then dying... I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about life passing me by.

Damn, damn, damn.

Partly it is probably due to not taking those xanax pills anymore.

What the **** do i do about this?

I hope I won't lose interest for trading because of worrying about death so much. For sure I am losing interest for going to work. Pretty amazing.

I mean, pretty amazing that right now I am wide awake, not giving a flying **** about going to work tomorrow. I used to do this in school, and then i'd skip classes. I've been skipping classes from the age of 14 till the age of 27. That's right. And then i kept on skipping work, except there I took "unplanned" vacations, which made me lose my holidays, but it was worth it. I feel prisoner otherwise.

I remember the maslow hierarchy of needs. If things go as expected, and I get fired, I will not have food to eat, and then will have to worry about eating (food and shelter), so much that I won't have the luxury to worry about death. Or rather: worrying about immediate avoidable death will make me forget about the other death.

Gee... what the **** do i do now...?

Why Guys Lose Interest - iVillage

It's the thrill of the chase, which must be genetically ingrained in the male species. And the run part? Well, that's the old fear of commitment issue. Many men outgrow this stuff as they grow older, but some don't.

Right, the maslow thing i was talking about. I am not going higher (no women in sight) nor lower (no worries about food and shelter), so I am stuck in the middle and there's no thrill: no one is chasing me and i am not chasing anyone. I have food and shelter but nothing more. Things are stable and have been stable forever.

Then I lose interest, and so, to get rid of boredom, i run the risk of getting fired, and feel the thrill of the chase again. The management chasing me and stuff. But then again, once the thrill is gone, I am not interested in a relationship, nor want commitment.

I fear commitment, I fear being committed to an institution, like a bank.

LOL

Holy cow. I am still awake.

I must increase my part-time schedule. From 9 to 14. That's what I will go for. In a few days. Then if they don't let me, I will leave at 15 as i do now.

If my schedule is from 9 to 14 i can even afford to be sleepy, since I'll come back quickly.

My mother's here again. Whenever she's here, she screws up my schedule, and... I have problems sleeping. If people talk to me, then I need extra hours to stay up and think to myself.

...

Much better having banned all those people. Now I am not at the mercy of their criticism. Useless. "Wake up and smell the coffee...", idiot. "Let's stop beating about the bush..." another disrespectful idiot. Now I can write what I want and I don't have to fear what a, and b, and c will say and think and object, and I don't have to worry to write simple thoughts for them to understand me.

And I don't have to explain things over and over, and over again. Ban them all.

Ban them all.

Ban them all.

And what should i say about the classmates. The hell with them, too. They made me waste money for years, and then they get offended because I expect them to be reliable and give me the correct arrival dates. I am the one who is offended. I am offended at them for getting offended at me. It doesn't matter if you complain all the time. What matters is that I washed dishes day after day, paid for everything day after day, and they didn't give a flying **** about respecting me, and that is why i started calling them pigs and similar. What... do you want me to be a quiet slave as usual? I act fairly, but I am not quiet if you take advantage of it.

**** them all.

...

But that wasn't enough. Because I am still awake.

If it were enough to sleep 3 hours, I could go to work every day, easily. But it is not. LOL.

This time I am going to get in big trouble. Wow wow wow.

They're gonna get me.

There's no one at my bank as meditative as me. These idiots, they always sleep well. As Du Sautoy said "the price you have to pay for self-awareness is...". Yeah, the usual thing about death.

But these monkeys. They're not self-aware. They're soccer-aware. That's all they talk about. Monkeys.

Amazing how the world makes progress due to the small minority reasoning, and despite the large majority being so stupid. The movie Idiocracy's scenario isn't happening despite the large majority of idiots... monkeys basically. Talking monkeys.

[...]

What's next?

I think some wise-ass is going to post a comment to my deep post tomorrow, and I will ban him immediately.

 

[Yamato]

Now what? Now on Internet Explorer the whole forum is aligned to the left. Not on google chrome nor firefox. Someone please do something. You guys have screwed up some html code.

So. I slept 5 hours, if I did. Maybe less.

I am going to work nonetheless. It sucks. But the people are at the "convention" as they call it, so I can go to the office, with pleasure, since almost no one will be there.

Some bull**** conference with all the compliance employees and they'll be saying to us how good we are. Motivational bull****.

The funny thing is that we weren't forced to go, and i received an email asking me if I would go, "yes or no". I had to click, so I clicked the "no" button. Then everyone told me "you're going to ruin your career" and "you should have come and sat next to me - it would have been effortless". And I said "hey, they asked me an opinion, so i answered with the truth" and "this is all bull****". Besides my career is nonexistent.

 

[Yamato]

awesome links

I just found two great links for tests online, while being at work.

This one seems pretty good:
SAT Math Test

And this one is absolutely excellent:
Math

And this last one is not just for math but for other subjects as well.

There's two nice things about math that I've been noticing:

1) first, if i get caught by my boss doing math exercises, it's not as bad as getting caught reading the online newspaper or playing a videogame. But the truth is that it's just as bad. But people don't think that way.

2) second, math is good for people like me who like black and white judgments, rigorous all or nothing reasoning. Things are not debatable. Things are or aren't. Regardless of what all these -2^2 arrogant ****-suckers have been saying to me, that is "it depends". It depends on their ignorance and arrogance. That's what. You know? The result of an expression depends on how ignorant and arrogant you are, you ****-sucking physicist and engineer and programmer.

For me it's always judgment day, and I am god, deciding who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. And with math I can do that. Just like with spelling. So, whenever there's someone bothering me, I will ask him what is -2^2 and then will send him to hell, because everyone gives the wrong answer.

[...]

Holy cow!

I am still stuck on this page:
GCF Test

Forget the SAT where I scored 650 a few decades ago. I can't do that one anymore.

So the first link turned out to be just as good as the second one.

This stuff is important, the greatest common factor. I am proud to present my score:



But here's the other awesome web site:
"+(dtit.length>0?decodeURIComponent(dtit.charAt(0).toUpperCase()+dtit.substr(1)):"Practice Test")+"

I will start with geography, which is like procrastination to me, but right now I need something easy. But let's state clearly that this web site has very efficient web design and interface. The best I've ever seen, together with the previous one. And it's totally free.

OMG, dude, I told you I was good at something:



Acceptable ignorance with the regions of spain instead. I got more than half right:




These web sites and I are going a long way together.

 

[Yamato]

it's really pissing me off...

For the last 24 hours, on internet explorer, all trade2win pages have not been aligned in the center, but to the left. It's not right. You have to do something about this. On the other browsers it works fine.

Other than this, I am doing ok. I did more exercises on thatquiz.org.

But i am stuck at algebra. I can't go any further before following all my classes on Algebra - Math - Brightstorm.

 

[Yamato]

who invented equtions?

Been doing lots of equations, the basic ones. I like them a lot. Now a question comes natural to me. Who invented them? How did they come up with the idea? And so on...

Equation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Oh yeah, it was that guy Robert Recorde:

An equation is a mathematical statement that asserts the equality of two expressions.[1] In modern notation, this is written by placing the expressions on either side of an equals sign (=), for example

asserts that x+3 is equal to 5. The = symbol was invented by Robert Recorde (1510–1558), who considered that nothing could be more equal than parallel straight lines with the same length.

I just cannot seem to record his Recorde name in my head.

Anyway, I've been doing some simple ones, and watching the classes here:
Solving Two Step Equations - Free Math Video by Brightstorm

Awesome web site by the way.

I still don't know about the history of equations, but from wikipedia, here's something else that is interesting:

Equations often express relationships between given quantities, the knowns, and quantities yet to be determined, the unknowns. By convention, unknowns are denoted by letters at the end of the alphabet, x, y, z, w, …, while knowns are denoted by letters at the beginning, a, b, c, d, … . The process of expressing the unknowns in terms of the knowns is called solving the equation. In an equation with a single unknown, a value of that unknown for which the equation is true is called a solution or root of the equation.

I can't digest much more notions at the moment.

I am well aware of the importance of equations for my interest in portfolio theory, so I am going to dedicate more time to this subject than to almost anything else.

Types of equations

Equations can be classified according to the types of operations and quantities involved. Important types include:

• An algebraic equation is an equation involving only algebraic expressions in the unknowns. These are further classified by degree.
• A linear equation is algebraic equation of degree one.
• A polynomial equation is an equation in which a polynomial is set equal to another polynomial.
• A transcendental equation is an equation involving a transcendental function of one of its variables.
• A functional equation is an equation in which the unknowns are functions rather than simple quantities.
• A differential equation is an equation involving derivatives.
• An integral equation is an equation involving integrals.
• A Diophantine equation is an equation where the unknowns are required to be integers.

Wikipedia pretty much says everything about equations, what an awesome web site they are:

Properties
If an equation in algebra is known to be true, the following operations may be used to produce another true equation:

1. Any real number can be added to both sides.
2. Any real number can be subtracted from both sides.
3. Any real number can be multiplied to both sides.
4. Any non-zero real number can divide both sides.
5. Some functions can be applied to both sides. Caution must be exercised to ensure that the operation does not cause missing or extraneous solutions. For example, the equation y*x=x has 2 solutions: y=1 and x=0. Dividing both sides by x "simplifies" the equation to y=1, but the second solution is lost.

I am missing some more culture here, as I need a tutorial on numbers and their categories. Here they talk about "real" numbers and I don't know what they are. So the order I should be doing this is by first studying the categories of numbers.

Fascinating stuff here:
History of mathematics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It turns out that Recorde invented the equal symbol used in equations. But the equations had been used ever since Mesopotamian mathematics, in 2000 BC, and were found in the clay tablet known as Plimpton 322.

Now what is next is acing the concept of real numbers and all the other categories of numbers:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real_number

Better link is this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Number

I found this gem while searching the wolfram demonstrations:
http://demonstrations.wolfram.com/author.html?author=Paul Savory

There's a bunch of probability theory demonstrations.

I could not find something explaining the different categories of numbers, so I'll have to study it on wikipedia.

 

[Yamato]

making progress

Making progress:
Solving Multi Step Equations - Free Math Video by Brightstorm

But I was forgetting to study the real numbers and all the other categories.

Here's a good link on it:
Number Types

[F are classified according to type. The first type of number is the first type you ever learned about: the counting, or "natural" numbers:[/FONT]

• [F New Roman]1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ...[/FONT]

[F next type is the "whole" numbers, which are the natural numbers together with zero:[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

• [F New Roman]0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ...[/FONT][F [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

What the **** is whole numbers? I mean... it sounds just like "integers"...

Whole number - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Whole number is a term with inconsistent definitions by different authors. All distinguish whole numbers from fractions and numbers with fractional parts.

Whole numbers may refer to...

So, ok. There's no agreement about this, so I'll skip it.

Natural number - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

There is no universal agreement about whether to include zero in the set of natural numbers...

So, there we go again. Like with -2^2. Math is being interpreted by a bunch of different people who cannot reach an agreement. But this is not as bad as people not reaching an agreement on formulas, such as in -2^2.

Let's keep reading the other one:
Number Types

Then come the "integers", which are zero, the natural numbers, and the negatives of the naturals:

..., –6, –5, –4, –3, –2, –1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ...

The next type is the "rational", or fractional, numbers, which are technically regarded as ratios (divisions) of integers. In other words, a fraction is formed by dividing one integer by another integer.

Ok, let's take a break for today. We have 4 categories so far. Lemme see if i can remember.

Natural is the numbers in nature.

That's easy.

Then come the whole numbers, but forget those because there is no agreement.

Then come the... i forgot.

Integers.

And then rational.

So the integers are all those that are integers, that's easy to remember.

The natural are the those in nature, and some debate on whether there's zero or not.

And then there's the "rational", as in "ratio", also known as "fractional" as in "fraction". Those numbers are a combination of integers divided among each other.

A diagram now would be interesting. You see, because the natural numbers are within the integers, but the rational numbers, too, though, because 1 over 1 is a fractional/rational and yet also an integer... oh, and 10 over 5, is at once a rational, an integer, and a natural number.

This is quite complex.

Oh, here it is:

Holy cow. This is called "venn diagram":
Venn diagram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Let's keep reading:
Number Types

Once you're learned about fractions, there is another major classification of numbers: the ones that can't be written as fractions. Remember that fractions (also known as rational numbers) can be written as terminating (ending) or repeating decimals (such as 0.5, 0.76, or 0.333333....). On the other hand, all those numbers that can be written as non-repeating, non-terminating decimals are non-rational, so they are called the "irrationals". Examples would be sqrt(2) ("the square root of two") or the number pi ("3.14159...", from geometry). The rationals and the irrationals are two totally separate number types; there is no overlap.

Putting these two major classifications, the rationals and the irrationals, together in one set gives you the "real" numbers. Unless you have dealt with complex numbers (the numbers with an "i" in them, such as 4 – 3i), then every number you have ever seen has been a "real" number. "But why", you ask, "are they called 'real' numbers? Are there 'pretend' numbers?" Well, yes, actually there are, though they're actually called "imaginary" numbers; they are what is used to make the complex numbers, and is what the "i" stands for.

The commonest question I hear regarding number types is something along the lines of "Is a real number irrational, or is an irrational number real, or neither... or both?" Unless you know about complexes, everything you've ever done has used real numbers. Unless the number has an "i" in it, it's a real.

Another diagram from here:
Number: A numeric representation of a quantity.



Wow. There's even more groups. The "complex numbers" include the "real" numbers together with the "imaginary" numbers.

So. Every number is a complex number, and every number I've dealt with is a real number, too.

I've done and passed all the exercises here, too:
http://www.purplemath.com/modules/numtypes.htm

Math so far seems to be mostly learning rather than intelligence. Just orderly learning.

 

[Yamato]

weekly update



Still at uncle point, the one we hit 3 weeks ago.

 

[Yamato]

The Universe

History Channel - The Universe - Beyond the Big Bang - YouTube

 

[Yamato]

going to take a while

Brightstorm schooling is going to take me a while:
Algebra - Math - Brightstorm

They've got 15 algebra sub-sections, and I have not even covered 2.

Considering an estimate of covering about 2 sections per week, to do this really well, i will need more than another month.

Then it might be enough, but I'll need all the summation notation, and the probability theory, and... according to my estimate it will take me another six months to be able to read markowitz's "Portfolio Selection" essay.

This could seem an exaggeration, doing all this math to just tackle some portfolio theory formulas. But it's not. To be able to cover portfolio theory:

1) I have to fill up the ignorance holes in my education
2) I have to remove my fear for math and formulas

and...
3) I am benefiting from this even if it were not strictly necessary for portfolio theory: somehow I feel I am getting smarter every minute by doing all this math. I feel and maybe I am smart. My reasoning has become quicker. And I've gotten into a more rational mood, less subjective. It's almost as if I don't get mad anymore. Almost as if I see life objectively.

In a way, this might be unrelated to doing math, or they could have a common cause. In another way, it could be related to reasoning about the universe, about science, about history: all things that put your daily life routine into perspective.

...

Other than this, what I need and am achieving is getting used to looking up things in math. Whenever i saw something in math that i ignored, I just looked away, in panic. Now I am getting used to the language. If I see something I don't know, I look it up on the dictionary. I know where my ignorance is, I know the city around me. I know my math map. I know the math areas (arithmetic, algebra, geometry, calculus, etc.) and I know the numbers areas (natural, integer, rational, real, imaginary, etc.).

I am slowly but constantly learning about my ignorance and I am slowly but constantly reducing it.

But I won't need to cover everything, so this slow method will still work.

 

[shewolf]

I am not worried about the past 14 years of unprofitability. I keep repeating it, because I am not afraid of my track record. I have not made any money from the markets since I started, I have lost 40k since I started trading in 1997, and yet I know I am good.

With all respect, Travis, what makes you so sure that you are destined to be a successful trader?
The fact that you have 14 YEARS of unprofitability would indicate to me that I was either totally unsuited to trading or that my trading strategies were completely off-target.
I respect that you are determined to keep going, but at what point do you acknowledge that it is a lost cause?

Travis. I have been an active reader of your thread. Without intending to be an ****, can I suggest that you are trying to make trading far too complex.
After all your attempts at trying to construct the perfect eternal mechanical system (which have all failed dismally and will continue to fail because the market changes all the time), why not try a basic and simplified system.

If it is going up, buy it and put a stoploss underneath the buy price. If it continues to go up, then move the stoploss to retain your profits.
If it is going down, sell it and put a stoploss above the sell price. If it continues to go down, then move the stoploss to retain your profits..
It wins for me

 

[Yamato]

Your post is disrespectful. You don't deserve the right to write anything on my journal anymore.

On the one hand i am really offended that I have to face such disrespect, but on the other hand this is a sign of stupidity, and as long as there's stupidity in the markets, there's hope for my trading.

But still, I can't take this kind of interference with my thinking, so I'll use my ignore list.

 

[Yamato]

It's the second and last day of my "friend with child" experience. The witch woke me up at 7.30 am yesterday. I said I was tired and she allowed me to sleep another 2 hours or so. Then I had to stay with both of them the whole day, walking around in the city.

The child is lovely, but still: not enough energies to handle this situation for more than 48 hours per year. Or just 24 hours maybe.

Where does it say that if I host you, I'll have to get up early and spend the whole day with you?

Especially considering the schedule you have, of getting up at 7.30 am.

Screw this.

The options now are two and I am undecided:

1) boycott tomorrow's schedule and let them go by themselves, and risk getting into arguments with the witch-mother.

2) try to put up for another day and then preserve a very bad memory of this experience and never let it happen again.

She's the same old witch I knew before, and actually with a child she's more bearable than by herself. She's less of a witch, but more work on the other hand. More of a guilt trip, potentially, because you can't blame the child for being a source of work.

Nonetheless, if I don't have the energy when they'll get up in a few hours, there's nothing making me get up: not her yelling at me, not her telling me that her daughter has waited for me 2 hours to play with me... nothing. I woke up in the middle of the night with bad math dreams again, and if I won't go back to sleep, then too bad but they'll have to go around by themselves for the first few hours of tomorrow.

Shewolf on the journal and shewitch in the house. This is really unbearable.

Why are all these "friends" looking for me? Damn.

Why did I agree to meet her?

I know some good use of this. It made me realize what it means to be married with a witch, who has a child, and yet the damage, according to my estimates, will be limited.

Estimated damage: a few dollars lost, two days of rest lost... too much still.

How do i limit the damage?

What do i do now?

I can't go to a hotel, but it crossed my mind several times.

What do you do when there's a witch inside your house...

She's going to have to cut down on her expectations tomorrow.

Witch, witch, witch. With, bitch, witch, bitch, witch, bitch...

 

[Yamato]

equation with no solution

Look here:
Solving Equations with a Variable on Both Sides - Free Math Video by Brightstorm

I didn't know this. There can be an "equation with no solution". This is not trivial.

This has major implications for my taxi rides fare calculations.

I need to investigate on this.

From here:
Equation solving - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In one general case, we have a situation such as
ƒ (x1,...,xn) = c,where c is a constant, whose solutions are the members of the inverse image
ƒ −1[c] = {(a1,...,an) ∈ T1×···×Tn | ƒ (a1,...,an) = c},where T1×···×Tn is the domain of the function. Note that the set of solutions can be empty (there are no solutions), a singleton (there is exactly one solution), finite, or infinite (there are infinitely many solutions).

When can an algebra equation have no solution? - Yahoo! Answers

linear equations with no solution or all real numbers - YouTube

Learning a new language.

This mother with child is turning into harassment. Now I can't even get up whenever I want on sunday. This witch needs to be told to stop.

I don't care if she starts yelling. I am not getting out of the house today.

Yelling and guilt-tripping has worked yesterday, but it won't work today. My conscience is clean. She self-invited herself, I did everything I could do, and so I don't have an obligation to follow her schedule and be with her all the time.

You can get me to do stuff for a while with anger, violence, manipulation, but you can't make me put up with it for too long. One way or another I will break free.

Especially this is a crazy situation, where I am being forced to get up and have fun with someone. If I want to sleep, then just leave me alone. Don't expect me to get up early and enjoy the day with you. Crazy bitch. I am not... today I won't put up with this. She can leave, she can yell, but she can't yell and have her way because of it. I wish there was a way to spare the child though. I don't want her child to see any arguments. But I don't have to get up either to avoid such arguments.

I need to find a way to get the mother to understand quickly that I won't cooperate today, and that I want to be left alone. I don't like to be forced into doing things. One day it can happen, but not two days in a row.

I am not in the army. I guess having a child is like being in the army. But the point is that it's not my child. Neither the mother nor the daughter are. So I don't see what my obligations should be.

I could have easily solved this equation by falling asleep, but if I am forced to get up early in the morning, then I won't be able to sleep and the equation is an impossible equation, one with no solution.

x is my behaviour

x + bitch + daughter = pleasant day

solve for x

x = pleasant day - bitch - daughter

As they say here:
Equation solving - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If the solution set of an equation is restricted to a finite set (as is the case for equations in modular arithmetic, for example), or can be limited to a finite number of possibilities (as is the case with some Diophantine equations), the solution set can be found by brute force, that is, by testing each of the possible values.

Brute force cannot be used though, because I don't have a calculator to do it. I don't know how this will end. They're getting up in an hour or so.

Then they'll come knocking on the door, and then I'll have to break the news and say "I am going to keep sleeping". That's right. They can't make me get up by harassing me. I am not going to show the other cheek and pretend and deceive myself into feeling ok. Being forced to do stuff is not ok. I am hosting you, I did my best, now you can leave me alone. You can't make me go around all day long with you.

 

[Yamato]

sad...

Sad.

Weekend is over, and both mother and child were lovely, and not too much of a pain in the ass, and I didn't spend as much money as I feared.

But I can't have a family. I can't afford any distractions. Yes, it felt good for these two days, but only as long as this is a short-lived experience. Instead, everything looks like this thing will continue.

It was more pleasant than I expected but I cannot afford to have a family, with all its implications.

I will miss them, but I can't have my routine disrupted.

If this thing were to continue, my life would end without realizing my project of making money with trading.

This thing took all my time for these last 48 hours. I definitely cannot afford to have a family and a job at once, and expect to get anything done as far as trading.

A family doesn't even allow you to brush your teeth properly.

 

[Yamato]

talked to my aunt and washed all the dishes

A few hours later, I have talked to my aunt, washed all the dishes... a lot of work. As I was talking to my aunt, I realized a lot of things.

1) I might want to be a father to this girl
2) I feel sorry for both the mother and the girl and I don't know if that's enough to start a family
3) I wasn't ready for this thing to happen to me, but it might be an unmissable opportunity: a former girlfriend comes to visit me with her daughter and I like the daughter.

I could have a chance to start a family despite having missed many years already of courting and all that crap.

On top of it I get to miss the first few years of bringing up a child, the worst years.

But is this falling in love with a daughter enough to start a relationship with the mother, who broke up with me a few years ago?

What i did like was being part of a family for two days, going around in the street and feeling like i was normal, and had a family, whereas I don't have a family and I am not normal at all.

But then, as i was talking to my aunt, i was also wondering:

1) as i already said, is it enough to feel sorry and find the daughter cute to get into this huge thing?

In fact, in a few instances, I felt really overwhelmed by emotions, and felt that the daughter was looking for a father (she never met her father). This made me feel like it was a great feeling and a great opportunity to be part of her life, when she still doesn't really know what a father is.

But then i wondered...

2) do i still love the mother? Probably not. My heart didn't jump or anything, as it used to do.

3) am I willing to make sacrifices for the well-being of the child and of the mother? Like giving up on riding taxis to work, or like moving to another country to work there. Am I willing to give up on sleeping. Am I willing to give up on trading. Am I willing to give up on having my things and keep them from being touched by anyone?

4) what about when the daughter grows older and becomes a bitch like many women can be, like her mother has been in the past? Will i still like her, given that she's not my daughter? It's really easy to like a little child, but what if she becomes a teenager and starts insulting you? It will then be too late to realize that i wasn't ready. I don't like to start something unless I can accomplish it. So given all these doubts, is it a good idea to start something this big, because you fell in love with the daughter and with the idea of becoming a father basically?

Either way I will have regrets. Or maybe: if i don't try this, i will have regrets. But I've always been good at cutting down on experiences in order to not make any mistakes such as leaving things unfinished, and this quality is persistent.

Will this experience survive my filtering and selection?

This is basically like giving up on my life. The minute you start a family, you give up your own freedom. My life would be over. But then again my life is over anyway. And the opportunity of having a family might be gone forever.

This is a tough choice and one that I never thought I'd be faced with. I never thought after this weekend I'd be thinking these things. This is literally a matter of life and death.

You choose the life of a new being and you choose your own death, by giving up on your own life, because once you have a child, your life becomes less important.

This is a crazy thing to do, but somehow it got into my head after spending just 48 hours with this mother and child.

But then again, my aunt told me "you can't do this unless you love the mother" and I am wondering if I still love the mother.

We didn't get a chance to really talk: she was always after her child. I wonder if she still loves me, or just appreciates me and is thinking of her own good or the good of the child. Of course this is not all imaginary, given that she came here and given a few things she mentioned.

So the situation is really the one i described, and i have an opportunity to join the life of this family.

I would rule out there's love between us anymore. There is liking. Is liking mother and daughter enough to get into this huge endeavour?

This is my prediction. And it is a sad reality.

The prediction is that I will miss this opportunity, because I won't have enough energies and resources to move to another country or to make them move to my country. Then time and distance will do the rest. The daughter and the mother will grow apart from me.

They will both grow less attractive. Both older. Children are open to strangers, but as they grow older this changes. You can't approach a 10 year old and pretend you're their father.

So my situation right now is really this: I am being asked for the last time if I want to start a family or not. I've been asked a few times before and each time, one way or another, i declined. This time things are easier, because the daughter is already created and i'm being simply asked if i want to join an existing family. Not directly but pretty clearly, even though in an implicit way.

What do i do?

I don't want to be a schmuck and be chosen because i am good-hearted and good at fixing other people's mistakes. Also, because i am not that good-hearted and can't fix that much. On the other hand, this might be more like a unique opportunity, rather than just me fixing a family.

Why did this happen? If there's a woman wanting me to have this role so badly, it might mean i am good for the role. Or it might mean there's no other actors willing to play the role.

Really wondering. What matters is that I do not postpone the decision by just wondering forever as i usually do, because that's equivalent to saying "no, but if i change my mind i will let you know". That's the type of thinking you can have only if you live forever. Which i don't. I would want. But i don't.

But freedom and free time is important, too. The daughter is cute, but freedom, sitting on a rock, watching the waves, is important, too. And can I do both?

[...]

There is a great probability that i am just toying with the idea of starting a family rather than considering it seriously. So it is my duty to not hurt anyone and skillfully avoid any disappointments, by delivering a constant flow of support, but without raising expectations any higher than I can fulfill. It's not going to be easy.

I can tell I might be toying with the idea, by the fact that I am not even willing to give up on my sleep, not just for work (i'd rather skip it than go without sleeping properly), but also for the sake of spending a few extra hours with these two great people who took a plane and came all the way to visit me for just a weekend. If I was so uninterested in them as to not want to wake up early in the morning, how can I now deceive myself into thinking I have what it takes to join their family? Enough with this bull****. Let's come down from the clouds and land on earth. This is something I am not ready for. It was just a great dream for a few hours.

I will be able to practice my sense of "cute" on all small animals. In fact, yes, it is true that hearing a beautiful child talk to you and look at you is a pleasant feeling, but the same applies to all small peaceful animals and plants that surround us. They're all cute. This doesn't mean we're going to start a zoo or gardening. We look at them, find them cute, and move on. Let's stop playing with these dangerous ideas, that lead to sleep-deprivation.

 

[Yamato]

She just left. I have mixed feelings. I can't trust her. She used to just care about herself, and now she just cares about her child. If I got sick I am not sure she would actually care. Maybe I am too selfish to be with her, or maybe she is too selfish to be with me. Or maybe we're too selfish to be with each other. I don't trust her...

I go from feeling sorry for her child, to feeling sorry for her, to feeling sorry for myself, and feeling used, too. I would... postpone this thing, which means i won't go for it. I won't go for any further contact. I am tired. I didn't spend as much as I feared, but I still spent. I didn't get annoyed as much as I feared, but I still got annoyed, as I didn't get to sleep. Yet, I still have mixed feelings. Probably if we had had sex, I would feel even more mixed. Like this, I feel mixed but 33% for it, and 66% against it. Not enough sleep, and a future of sleep deprivation, and maybe in 3 years the daughter starts being a little bitch, and the mother more than the bitch she already is. This is a dangerous field. I will probably manage to not get sucked in on the spur of the moment. Like with anything else, I will have regrets, of course. But this forum's pages are still aligned to the left. This is terrible, on internet explorer.

Mixed feelings. This is my last shot at having a family, but also my last shot at a lifetime of exploitation. And since the choice can't be postponed, and I want to postpone it, the answer right now would be "no". This is life as it unfolds. It is not meant to have a happy ending, it is not going to be right, it is not going to be a meaningful story. It's just some random writing on my journal. Brainstorming-style:
Brainstorming - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Osborn's method

Osborn claimed that two principles contribute to "ideative efficacy," these being "1. Defer judgment," and "2. Reach for quantity."[2] Following these principles were his four general rules of brainstorming, established with intention to reduce social inhibitions among group members, stimulate idea generation, and increase overall creativity of the group.

1. Focus on quantity: This rule is a means of enhancing divergent production, aiming to facilitate problem solving through the maxim quantity breeds quality. The assumption is that the greater the number of ideas generated, the greater the chance of producing a radical and effective solution.
2. Withhold criticism: In brainstorming, criticism of ideas generated should be put 'on hold'. Instead, participants should focus on extending or adding to ideas, reserving criticism for a later 'critical stage' of the process. By suspending judgment, participants will feel free to generate unusual ideas.
3. Welcome unusual ideas: To get a good and long list of ideas, unusual ideas are welcomed. They can be generated by looking from new perspectives and suspending assumptions. These new ways of thinking may provide better solutions.
4. Combine and improve ideas: Good ideas may be combined to form a single better good idea, as suggested by the slogan "1+1=3". It is believed to stimulate the building of ideas by a process of association.[2]

Just the fact that something i write sounds good, or great, doesn't mean that it's right. I could be wrong and sound right. I could be right and sound wrong. I could feel I have the answer, an answer that makes sense, and yet I might be wrong. It sucks.

This experience has left me frustrated like a visit to the eye doctor. Only, it was like a "family doctor", and he said to me that I didn't get anywhere in all these years. I already knew it, but it sucks to hear it from the doctor.

 

[Yamato]

Unbelievable. Everything got worse in the forum. We're aligned to the left on internet explorer and the formatting default got worse. And the only thing that I advised wasn't done: the forum sub-sections are still 258, so to keep all readers in separate rooms and keep them from meeting each other. A forum that has a structure discouraging people from meeting is not a forum but a separatorum, scatterorum, dispersorum.

Anyway, the lady left. I am doing ok. It was worth it, because now I know what I am missing: both the pleasure of being around people and the pain in the ass of being around people. I'd say I am fine like this for now.

 

[Yamato]

unexpected feeling of loneliness

Now I see what this is all about. Ever since she left with her child, after being with her for 2 days, and resenting the fact of not sleeping well and spending money, I am left with freedom, sleeping and saving, but also with a sense of loneliness. Now I see why people get families. They're not used to this feeling and could never accept it or get used to it, so they have no choice. Instead I am the only human being who can be alone most of the time, to the point of not even realizing it.

My resolve is now stronger than ever to take advantage of this wealth of free time that I have. This is an even stronger point in favor of screwing all friends, so I can benefit from the time I have because of not having a family to deal with. Screw friends. Let's use up all the time available for studying math and similar. One thing is family, and another is friends. If I don't feel the need for a family, I certainly do not need friends either. Friends are clearly the biggest waste of time on earth. You don't get to have sex with them, you don't get to feel like you're a father, and you only get to waste all your money treating them out to dinner, and get fat by drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and eating pizzas.

But it's not going to be like this forever. I first have to quit my job, where I get some of the company that allows me to not feel lonely. Then, once I'll quit my job and move to the island, supporting myself with trading, then I'll get the woman, the child and the friends. Until then, full immersion on this thing.

 

[Yamato]

unexpected feeling of sadness

Just like I felt during the weekend, I now feel sad for the child. I wish I hadn't spent all the money I spent for my idiot friends, and saved some for the child, such as for toys and similar. I had a much happier childhood and I wish I could help her have one as well.

Furthermore, I feel sorry for the mother. After all she was messed up also because of me, interfering with her previous marriage and all that. I feel somewhat guilty for both child and mother. But then she left me. Overall I feel much more sorry than guilty. It is a screwed up situation and I am not rich enough to fix it. On the other hand, she's pretty hot, so I don't know why she isn't finding better candidates than me. I wonder if she loves me by any chance and hasn't considered anyone else. She was really the love of my life, but she disappointed me several times, preferring other guys to me. That is the main reason I don't feel guilty: because I've turned down more than once by her. On the other hand, I can't help feeling sad, for her child especially.

Probably, if she insisted in any way, I would find a way to start a family with her. Who knows, maybe she could support my trading, too. I am serious - she's richer than me.

 

[Yamato]

excellent explanation of cross-multiplication:
Proportions - Free Math Video by Brightstorm

i love this lady - i'd do her any time.

This web site is a little gem, for its clarity, usefulness, web design, content, thoroughness. It is a masterpiece. Clear sound, clear content, right size... it is math made easy. If there's a way to make someone like math, this is it. Congratulations to the web designer and to all responsible for it.

On brightstorm.com you can see intelligent and orderly people at work, like on few other web sites. In fact, in the math area, people seem to be at once more orderly and more intelligent. I might have found my new favorite haven for intellectuals fleeing the morons.